Neil the Eagle

[biggus mickus]

Is not online.
I am smashed, he cant chase me about the board slapping my bottom.

What should I do.
Get Chocky online?
Get MAidstoned online?
Run havoc, till the early hours?
All three?

[biggus mickus]

I will start with a song, a song full of joy and laughter.

That fvcking cats back
now how did she do that?
I kicked her tw@t till kingdom come
How did she do that?

[Adlerhorst]

Worry not. Little Al is bound to be around shortly - you'll have someone to play with then.

I'm far too sober to help you.

[biggus mickus]

Ta mate. I feel a Kevin Wilson coming on
Another song?


Verse
School holidays were draggin' on
He was gettin' really bored
And his Mum had started poppin' pills
She was climbin' up the walls

So when he asked her could he go across
The buildin' site and play
She just popped another pill 'n' just said
"Don't get in the way"

So he chucked his little toolbox
In his billycart 'n' left
While his Mum knocked up a cuppa
Laced with valium and Bex

She needed all the help she could
To cope with holidays
But the pills and powders weren't enough
When he got home from play ... 'n' said ...

Chorus
I wanna be a ••••in' builder when I grow up ... eh, Mum
And build ••••in' houses everywhere, millions of the •••••
A bricky or a chippy, eh Mum, I don't give a ••••
I just wanna be a ••••in' builder when I grow up

Verse
It seemed the sawn-off shit
Had listened to the builders while they worked
And he'd remembered everything --
Word for ••••in' word!

And his shell-shocked Mum just sat there
As he went on to explain
How "some •••••• lost the ••••in' plans
Then found the ••••• again!"

And how "some dickhead missed the ••••in' nail
And hit his ••••in' thumb!"
And how "they shaved a mickey whisker
Off the door to close the ••••!"

And his voice was so excited
Best fun he'd ever had!
"And can I go back tomorrow, Mum?
Can't wait till I tell Dad, how ...

Chorus
I wanna be a ••••in' builder when I grow up
And build ••••in' houses everywhere, millions of the •••••
A bricky or a chippy, really, I don't give a ••••
I just wanna be a ••••in' builder when I grow up

Verse
His Mum was scoffin' scotch and serepax
And propped against the fridge
And when his Dad got home she dribbled
"Tell your father what you said"

So the young bloke give his Dad a serve
The air was turnin' blue
"•••• the weather, •••• the foreman
'N' •••• the unions, too!"

His old man turned ••••in' purple
'N' his whole body started to twitch
Until finally he exploded
"Go and get a switch!"

But the young bloke shook his head
'N' said, "No way, mate, I've knocked off
Anyway, you c'n go 'n' get rooted
Cause that's a ••••in' electrician's job!"

Chorus
Cause I wanna be a ••••in' builder when I grow up
And build ••••in' houses everywhere, millions of the •••••
A bricky or a chippy, not a sparky, go get ••••ed
I just wanna be a ••••in' builder when I grow up

Yeah, I wanna be a ••••in' builder when I grow up
And build ••••in' houses everywhere, millions of the •••••
A bricky or a chippy, you cranky •••••••, go get ••••ed
I just wanna be a ••••in' builder when I grow up

Yeah, I wanna be a ••••in' builder when I grow up
And build ••••in' houses everywhere, millions of the •••••
A bricky or a chippy, you're not me foreman, go get ••••ed
I just wanna be a ••••in' builder when I grow up

[biggus mickus]

Hey Santa claus you ••••!

Where's me ••••••• bike?

I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.

I wrote you a ••••••• letter and I come to see you twice

Ya worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me ••••••• bike.

If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked.

And this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!

You've stuffed me bloody order up

It's enough to make you spew

And I'm not the only one who's snakey

Me sisters dirty too!

(female voice)
Hey santa clause you ••••!

Where's me ••••••• pram?

You promised me you'd bring me one, you remember who I am.

'Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your hand

I'll give you ••••••• ho ho ho

You forgot me ••••••• pram

(male voice)
Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts

And I'll let your ••••••• reihndeer go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!

You just wait 'till next year, when you go to that store

And me and me little sister, come stomping through the door

And we'll say, yeah you wait for it

Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes

And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells ••••••• lies

He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright

'Cause the old ••••••• •••••• Forgot me ••••••• bike.

You wait you old ••••, I'm gonna dob you in

Tell me old man on you, he's gonna punch your ••••••• lights out

"I saw mummy sucking santa clause"

[MicksSis]

biggus and Little Al :D

My pm box will explode:D

Night-night peeps:hi:

[biggus mickus]

HELLO OPERATOR. I'D LIKE TO MAKE A CALL
CAN I HAVE 477 3104?
I'M SORRY SIR, COULD YOU REPEAT THAT NUMBER ONCE AGAIN?
477 3104, DID YA GET IT THEN?

COULD YOU SPEAK A LITTLE SLOWER? 477'S ALL I GOT
3104, ARE YOU BLOODY DEAF OR WHAT?
LOOK, I GOT THE FIRST BIT, BUT I JUST CAN'T GET THE LAST
WELL STICK THAT ••••IN' PHONE UP YOUR ••••IN' ARSE

CHORUS
STICK THAT ••••IN' PHONE, UP YOUR ••••IN' ARSE
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ••••IN' HELP, NOT MAKE IT ••••IN' HARD
I'M JUST TRYIN' TO MAKE A CALL, BUT YOU'RE JUST BEING SMART
SO YOU CAN STICK THAT ••••IN' PHONE, UP YOUR ••••IN' ARSE

GOOD MORNING I'M FROM TELECOM, COME TO DISCONNECT YOUR PHONE
FOR A BREACH OF REGULATIONS JUST A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO
YOU UPSET OUR OPERATOR WITH A PRETTY NASTY CALL
WHAT ARE YOU ••••IN' ON ABOUT? IT WAS ALL HER ••••IN' FAULT!

WELL SHE CLAIMS THAT IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT, SHE REALLY WAS DISTRESSED
WHAT ABOUT YOUR CUSTOMERS, SHE UPSET ME FIRST!
WE'VE GOT HER WRITTEN STATEMENT, WHICH SHORTLY WILL BE READ
BUT IT MIGHT HELP IF YOU'D RECALL EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID

I SAID

CHORUS

WELL THAT'S NOT EXACTLY ON SIR, IT'S JUST NOT ON AT ALL
YOU MUST USE COMMON ETIQUETTE IF YOU WISH TO MAKE A CALL
AND 'PLEASE' AND 'THANK YOU' ALSO HELP, YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT
'PLEASE' AND ••••IN' 'THANK YOU' WELL YOU ••••IN' TELL HER THAT!

AND SHE KNOWS WITHOUT A TELEPHONE I'M REALLY IN THE SHIT
WELL PERHAPS IF YOU'D APOLOGISE THAT JUST MIGHT HELP A BIT
APOLOGISE? APOLOGISE? APOLOGISE TO WHO?
JUST GO IN AND ASK FOR OPERATOR 42

GOOD MORNING, ARE YOU WAITING? IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO?
YES, I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO OPERATOR 42
I'M SORRY SIR, I MISSED THAT, COULD YOU REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID?
AH SHIT! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! HERE WE ••••IN' GO AGAIN!

OPERATOR 42, LOOK I'LL JUST WRITE IT DOWN
OH OPERATOR 42, I'LL SEE IF SHE'S AROUND
JEEZ, THEY'RE BLOODY USELESS, I'M SURE THAT THEY'RE ALL DEAF
NO WONDER THAT I DID ME QUINCE, NO WONDER THAT I SAID

CHORUS

NOW THEY'LL MAKE ME SIT AROUND AND WAIT ALL BLOODY DAY
JUST SO THEY CAN MAKE ME SWEAT AND HAVE THE FINAL SAY
THAT'S LIKE THE PUBLIC SERVICEM THEY MAKE YOU SCRAPE AND BBOW
ARRGGHH SHIT! SHE'S ••••IN' UGLY, IF THAT'S HER COMING NOW!

I'M OPERATOR 42, I'M BUSY, MAKE IT FAST
DID A BLOKE TELL YOU TO STICKTHAT ••••IN' PHONE RIGHT UP YOUR ARSE?
YES HE DID, THE FILTHY ANIMAL, I REMEMBER NOW
WELL YOU'D BETTER ••••IN' BRACE YOURSELF 'CAUSE THEY'RE BRINGING IT AROUND!!

[sydney eagle]

LOL Mick...I saw kevin bloody wilson 2 nights in a row a few years back,I was crying with laughter :D

[biggus mickus]

There's an uptown party on tonight that we're invited to
All the jet-set people there with the finest wine and food
Sip some champagne, snort some coke and maybe swim some in the nude
But they can stick that trendy shit 'cause that's not me and you
A night down at the local pub is nearer what we like
Play the pinball, shoot some pool if the atmosphere is right
But sometimes it's too crowded there or some dickhead wants to fight
So stack the fridge and stoke the bong, we're stayin' home tonight


Chorus
Stack the fridge and stoke the bong we're stayin' home tonight
Well I'm a lover, not a fighter, and I'd rather •••• than fight
And we'll get smashed on piss 'n' hash and then we'll screw all night
So stack the fridge and stoke the bong we're staying home tonight


Verse 2
We don't need no people round for us to have some fun
To me a good night out with you means stayin' home alone
And I'd rather share my highs with you than share with anyone
We'll drink some booze and smoke a joint and turn each other on
Then we'll just lay down on that big old rug, then we'll dim the lights
Stick a dirty movie on and just wait for the highs
And then we'll hump and screw and •••• until our brains are fried
So stack the fridge and stoke the bong we're stayin' home tonight


Chorus
Stack the fridge and stoke the bong we're stayin' home tonight
Well I'm a lover, not a fighter, and I'd rather •••• than fight
And we'll get smashed on piss 'n' hash and then we'll screw all night
So stack the fridge and stoke the bong we're staying home tonight
So stack the fridge and stoke the bong we're staying home tonight
We'll just stack the fridge and stoke the bong we're staying home tonight

[biggus mickus]

Right. Derek and Clive time.
Feel free to join in That way it wont just be me with a size 12 up me bum.

[biggus mickus]

Derek & Clive -
"The Worst Job I Ever Had"

CLIVE:
I'll tell you .....
DEREK:
(enormous belch) Testing, testing, .....
CLIVE:
No, no, don't test any longer.
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
Er, I'll tell you the worst job I ever had.
DEREK:
What was that?
CLIVE:
The worst job I ever had was with Jayne Mansfield. You know, she was a fantastic bird, you know .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... big tits, huge bum, and everything like that, but I had the terrible job of retrieving lobsters from her bum.
DEREK:
Really? Bloody hell, that must have been a task.
CLIVE:
Well, it was quite a task 'cause she had a big bum .....
DEREK:
Well, I remember.
CLIVE:
..... and they were big lobsters.
DEREK:
I remember she had a huge bum.
CLIVE:
Well, she had one and, er, you know, presumably in the afterlife .....
DEREK:
(belches) Oh dear.
CLIVE:
Shut up ..... she still has one. But I had to, used to go round, you know, of an evening .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... when Jayne was sleeping or sort of comatose, like, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... you know, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
You know, just lying there.
DEREK:
Comatose.
CLIVE:
And the ne-
DEREK:
'Coma-toes to her head' huh-huh-huh.
CLIVE:
'Coma-toes to her head' - shut up.
DEREK:
(coughs)
CLIVE:
And, er, I had to retrieve these lobsters from her arsehole.
DEREK:
Yeah, well, I remember she had a lot of trouble with-, with lobsters up her arsehole.
CLIVE:
Well, you see, the lobsters .....
DEREK:
Basically, she suffered from, er, what was known in-, in the medical trade as 'lobsters-up-the-arsehole'.
CLIVE:
Well, this is what it said scientifically, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... 'lobsters-up-the-bum', you know .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... this was the scientific, er, term for it but, you know, in general terms it was known as 'Lobsterisimus -um- Bummakisimus'.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
And it was my job every evening to go round to Jayne .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... who was a sweet girl.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Sweet, charming, shy, mysterious girl .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and get these ••••••• lobsters out of her arsehole.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Which is so tricky because she was a very sensitive woman, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
I used to go round there every evening and these lobsters, you know, she used to go out bathing in Malibu .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... which is where she used to go out bathing.
DEREK:
Yeah, oh, Malibu, yeah.
CLIVE:
Malibu, yes. Malibu-de-bum-bum. And, erm, up went the lobsters - boing! - straight up her arsehole.
DEREK:
Well, I think, you know, I think she brought it on herself, really, didn't she?
CLIVE:
Not so much brought them on herself as so much encouraged them, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... by the flagrant display which she got up to.
DEREK:
Well, I think she was a dirty cow.
CLIVE:
Well .....
DEREK:
And being .....
CLIVE:
No, n-, no, no, be fair, be fair. You can call her a dirty cow but, let's face it, a lot of lobsters fancied her bum.
DEREK:
Yeah, well, I think, I-, let's face it, I think it was a fifty-fifty arrangement. I think that-, I-, I don't .....
CLIVE:
Yeah. The lob-, the lobsters didn't say, "we have the upper hand", .....
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
..... Jayne didn't say, "we have the upper hand" .....
DEREK:
There was no-, there was no feeling of, er, domination.
CLIVE:
No. It was a .....
DEREK:
A-, fif-
CLIVE:
..... fifty-fifty thing.
DEREK:
I think the lobsters got quite a nip out of it .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Uh-huh-huh. And, er, I think Jayne got a lot out of it.
CLIVE:
Yeah, but it was my job, my job to retrieve the lobsters from her bum after the event.
DEREK:
What event?
CLIVE:
Post hoc, te proct.
DEREK:
P-post what?
CLIVE:
Post hoc, te proct.
DEREK:
Oh, yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
That's what it is in Latin, you know, .....
DEREK:
What-
CLIVE:
..... getting lobsters out of people's bums, after they've, er, .....
DEREK:
Oh, post hoc, te proct.
CLIVE:
Yes, yeah.
DEREK:
Well, when ..... (clears throat)
CLIVE:
But she was a sweet girl and I wouldn't knock her.
DEREK:
Well, I gather you wouldn't, no.
CLIVE:
No, I gather I wouldn't. But I'll tell you one thing Tony Newley said to me .....
DEREK:
What was that?
CLIVE:
"Who are you?"
DEREK:
Yeah? Just like that.
CLIVE:
Just like that. And I thought that made Tony Newley a-, a wonderful human being

[Eagle Of Cray]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by biggus mickus
[B]There's an uptown party on tonight that we're invited to
All the jet-set people there with the finest wine and food

Thats great Mick, will I have time to change?!

See you later:p

[biggus mickus]

Derek & Clive -
"This Bloke Came Up To Me"


DEREK:
I'll tell you, the other day some bloke came up to me and .....
CLIVE:
What, Tony Newley?
DEREK:
No, no, I don't know who it was, and he said, "You ••••".
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "What?" He said, "You ••••".
CLIVE:
Yeah. And you replied, "You ••••••• ••••".
DEREK:
I said-, I-, no, well, not straight away, I said, "You ••••".
CLIVE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, .....
DEREK:
And then he said .....
CLIVE:
..... what'd he come back with?
DEREK:
He come back. He says-, he said, "You ••••••• ••••". I said, "You calling me ..... "
CLIVE:
You're joking! He said, "You ••••••• ••••"?
DEREK:
He-, yeah, he said, "You call me a ••••, you ••••••• c-?" I said, "You f-", I said, "You ••••••• ••••".
CLIVE:
I should hope so, "you ••••••• ••••".
DEREK:
I s-, I said, "You ••••••• ••••", I said, "You ••••••• come here and call me a ••••••• ••••".
CLIVE:
I should say so.
DEREK:
I said, "You f-", I said, "You ••••". I said, "You ••••••• ••••". I said, "Who you ••••••• calling '••••', ••••?"
CLIVE:
Yeah, what did he say, ••••?
DEREK:
He said, "You ••••••• ••••!"
CLIVE:
Well, you ••••••• ••••, who are you to say to him that he was a ••••••• ••••?
DEREK:
Well, what d'you fu-, what d'you ••••••• think, mate, I ••••••• de-, defending my ••••••• self, weren't I?
CLIVE:
Well, no, he come up to you, call you "••••", .....
DEREK:
Yeah!
CLIVE:
..... that's fair enough, what he said, "you ••••••• ••••", and you said back to him, "you ••••••• ••••••• ••••".
DEREK:
I sa-, well, .....
CLIVE:
Well, what do you expect him to say back apart from, "You ••••••• stupid ••••••• ••••!"
DEREK:
Well, I don't-, I don't expect nothing, do I?
CLIVE:
No.
DEREK:
But the f-, the •••• come back with, "you ••••••• ••••", ••••.
CLIVE:
Well, Christ, .....
DEREK:
I said, "You ••••?" I said, "You calling me a ••••••• •••• .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... You •••••••-", I said, "You ••••••• ••••".
CLIVE:
Jesus Christ, yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "You-", I said, "You, you ••••••• ••••".
CLIVE:
Yeah, what-
DEREK:
I said, like that.
CLIVE:
You said it like that, did you, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... to him, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... or was he gone by then?
DEREK:
No, he ••••••• hit me. Fu-
CLIVE:
Hit you, did he?
DEREK:
Yeah, ••••••• ••••.
CLIVE:
Killed you dead, did he?
DEREK:
Nah, he-, he ••••••• hit me. I said, I said, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, you can't blame him, can you?
DEREK:
I said, "You, you rotter".
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And he-, he went off.
CLIVE:
Did he?
DEREK:
And he said, "You ••••" again.
CLIVE:
Well, 't's the only way to deal with him, 'init?
DEREK:
Yeah, well, I-, I showed him, didn't I?
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, you had to, didn't you? You had to stand up for what you stood for, didn't you? I mean, the only time I remember a similar occasion was, I was in, errm, I was at Spurs, Tottenham Hotspurs.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
I was watching a game against Arsenal, and this bloke come up to me and said, "Hello".
DEREK:
Oh no .....
CLIVE:
And I thought, "Christ!"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
You know, this bloke comes up to me, says "hello", .....
DEREK:
Provocative ••••••.
CLIVE:
..... ••••••• provocative.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
I said, "What d'you mean, 'hello'?" And, do you know what he came back with?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
He said, erm, "I just meant, 'hello'" I said, "Hur hur, I can sussed you out .....
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
..... right, for a starter, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
..... 'ere, get in this in the bollocks for a start!" So I kicked him right in the balls, he fell to the floor, and as he fell to the floor he said, "Euuughh!" I said, "Don't you 'Euuughh' me, mate!"
DEREK:
I-, yeah, like he comes in with 'hello' and then goes out with 'euuughh'.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I said, "Don't you 'Euuughh' me, mate!" and I kicked his ••••••• teeth in!
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Then he went, "Aaaghh!", and I said, "••••••• hell! .....
DEREK:
I said, "This is ••••••• too much", eh?
CLIVE:
..... Don't you ••••••• 'Aaaghh' me!"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And I really kicked his ear in, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
Bunged him right in the ear with the left boot.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, d'you know he still had the audacity to come out with, "Hugh-eugh-ugh-eugh-ugh I'm dying!" Well, what could I say to that? I just walked away. I left the situation. I wasn't going to be, you know, put upon in that way.
DEREK:
You weren't going to be dictacted to, were you?
CLIVE:
Well, no, why should I be dictated to?
DEREK:
No, exactly, no.
CLIVE:
By some •••• who says 'euuughh!'
DEREK:
Yeah, preceding it with 'hello'!
CLIVE:
Yeah. 'Hello' was the worst thing, that's what got me going.
DEREK:
••••••• ••••, yeah, what a ••••.
CLIVE:
What a ••••, eh?

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by EAGLE OF CRAY
[QUOTE]Originally posted by biggus mickus
[B]There's an uptown party on tonight that we're invited to
All the jet-set people there with the finest wine and food

Thats great Mick, will I have time to change?!

See you later:p


Hasta manana hombre. :p

[biggus mickus]

Ladies and gentlemen, all of us know, or at least realise, how terrible it must be to be blind: deprived of sight, unable to read. This is perhaps the greatest loss to the blind person. I am blind but I am able to read thanks to a wonderful new system known as 'Broil'.

I'm sorry, I'll just feel that again .....

[Les Butler]

Oi ! Elton. go to bed !

[biggus mickus]

Sod off, half frog.:moo:

#As I was walking down the street one day
I saw a house on fire
There was man, shouting and screaming at an upper-storey window
To the crowd that was gathered there below
For he was sore afraid

#Jump! You ••••••, jump!
Jump into this here blanket what we are holding
And you will be all right
He jumped, hit the deck, broke his ••••••• neck -
There was no blanket

#Laugh?! We nearly shat!
We had not laughed so much since Grandma died
Or Auntie Mabel caught her left tit in the mangle
We are miserable sinners
Fi-i-ilthy ••••ers

#Ahhhrrrr-soles

[DE - Glad All Over]

i'm telling neil the eagle and yr going to be in big trouble - yr rude !

oh deal little flo...

[Les Butler]

Originally posted by biggus mickus
Sod off, half frog.:moo:



Is that Racist ?

[biggus mickus]

I have been a good boy to long. Neil is getting bored, and has had no reason to pulp my head. I owe him this. Without striking me down, like a poor cur, he gets frustrated.

Derek & Clive -
"Cancer"
[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:
You going to go out laughing, are you?
CLIVE:
No, I'm going out, going out fvcking .....
DEREK:
Fvcking shitting yourself with fear!
CLIVE:
Shitting myself with ••••••• fear and fvcking cancer, which God so kindly provided.
DEREK:
(giggles)
CLIVE:
Without that we wouldn't have a way to die, would we? Fvcking good of him! Not to torment us with being eternally young and being able to fvck everyone. No! He gave us this great gift of fvcking cancer, that's very kind. I wouldn't have thought of that if I'd been creating the universe, would you? Bung in cancer? No, I'd have left that out.

[Eagle Of Cray]

Originally posted by biggus mickus
Ladies and gentlemen, all of us know, or at least realise, how terrible it must be to be blind: deprived of sight, unable to read. This is perhaps the greatest loss to the blind person. I am blind but I am able to read thanks to a wonderful new system known as 'Broil'.

I'm sorry, I'll just feel that again .....

:lux: :lux: :lux:

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by Les Butler
Is that Racist ?


I hope so. At least your not a spic, cant stand them. As for those white arseholes, keep em.

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by DE - Glad All Over
i'm telling neil the eagle and yr going to be in big trouble - yr rude !

oh deal little flo...


Tee hee. Bleedin grass you are.

[Les Butler]

Originally posted by biggus mickus
I hope so. At least your not a stic, cant stand them. As for those white arseholes, keep em.

Balance is a good thing MicK


Did someone give him the key and let him out of CCG (QP Bollox)?

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by biggus mickus
Sod off, half frog.:moo:

#As I was walking down the street one day
I saw a house on fire
There was man, shouting and screaming at an upper-storey window
To the crowd that was gathered there below
For he was sore afraid

#Jump! You ••••••, jump!
Jump into this here blanket what we are holding
And you will be all right
He jumped, hit the deck, broke his ••••••• neck -
There was no blanket

#Laugh?! We nearly shat!
We had not laughed so much since Grandma died
Or Auntie Mabel caught her left tit in the mangle
We are miserable sinners
Fi-i-ilthy ••••ers

#Ahhhrrrr-soles

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by biggus mickus
I hope so. At least your not a spic, cant stand them. As for those white arseholes, keep em.


Is that better for you, oh half frogs legs eater?


Bollox! I was going to insult Riccardo.:bash: Waste of time, he knows me to well.

[biggus mickus]

How do I put an mp3 on here? Found a good one, Neil will love it.

[Adlerhorst]

I have no idea - however thanks for brightening up my last half hour in the office. I'm off home, night all.

[biggus mickus]

Kev's Lament (It Was Over)


Verse 1
I remember back on our very first date
In the back seat of me car
I wanted you to go all the way
But you wouldn't go that far


I wanted you to hold me dick
You wanted to hold me hand
And when I accidentally brushed your tit
I just blew it and come in me pants


Chorus
And it was over ...
Before it began


Verse 2
I'll never forget the strain and the sweat
As I fumbled with your gear
A hundred degrees with the windows wound up
So your Mum and Dad couldn't hear


Tryin' me best to unzip your dress
And unhook your bra with one hand
And just when I thought I was doin' all right
I come in me pants again


Chorus
And it was over ...
Before it began


Verse 3
Blouses and buttons and bras and buckles




And 'Stop it, I'm gettin' cold'
First time I've had a tit in me mouth
Since I was nine months old


I had lovers' balls and you had no idea
Of the pitch of me passion and pain
Tryin' to stay cool with me knackers on fire
I come in me pants again ... oh, shit ... and again


Verse 4
You wouldn't give and I wouldn't go
And we couldn't seem to agree
You got the giggles and I got the shits
Then you wouldn't talk to me


And when we made up and we started again
Your Dad banged on the roof and he yelled:
'What are you two kids up to in there?'
And I shit in me pants as well


Chorus
And it was over ...
Before it began


Verse 5
You hear people say that they'd love to go back
And do things that they did in the past
But if you reckon they were the real good old days
You can go stick 'em right up your arse!


'Cause when I look back how I came and I went
With a tear in me eye I recall
How me, I had a •••• of a night,
But me undies had a ball


Chorus
And it was over ...
Before it began

[smileysmith]

Funniest thread I've seen in a while. Wish I was pissed enough to join in ... keep it up Biggus!!! :p

[biggus mickus]

Granddads got a stiffy


Posted by: eddiejayst
Rated 0 times
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Download Granddads got a stiffy now!
Granddads got a Stiffy

The old ••••••• lay sprawled on the nursin’ home floor
he'd been wankin an’ fell out of his chair,
An’ as he fell on his guts his colostomy bust
splatterin’ muck an guck an shit everywhere,
It was all up the wall on the matron an all,
it was caked on her apron an’ hair,
And as we ducked for cover that filthy old bugger just sat there with his cock in his hand.

Ah, it couldn't ave been a worse day cos it was his birthday
with the rellies rallied all round his bed,
Absolutely amazed that he'd actually made another birthday cos he should have been dead,
With all that ••••in’ an fightin’ that he'd done in his life, he should have been hung years ago,
By any number of blokes whose missus he's poked with that monster he was strokin’ there now

Ah, Granddads got a stiffy, Granddads got a bone,
Somebody better get Nana in quick, we'd promised her we'd phone




He's OD'd on Viagra, call Grandmother up on the phone,
Granddads got a stiffy, Granddads got a bone.


But he just wouldn't stop wankin’ so we chucked on a blanket,
so the women and kids couldn't see,
His battered banana hangin’ out his pyjamas and the cum stain an’ shit on his sheets,
But that filthy old ••••••• sat cackling laughin’, just waving his slug in the air,
And by the look in his eye matron knew it was time,
'EVERYBODY GET THE •••• OUT OF HERE!!'


Cos, Granddads got a stiffy, Granddads got a bone,
Somebody better get nana in quick, we'd promised her we'd phone
Cos Granddads going ballistic, call Grandmother up on the phone,
Granddads got a stiffy, granddads got a bone.

Ah, granddads got a stiffy, Granddads got a bone,
Somebody better get Nana in quick, we'd promised her we'd phone
He’s pullin’ himself to pieces, call Grandmother up on the phone,
Granddads got a stiffy, Granddads got a bone,
Ah Granddads got a stiffy, Granddads got a bone.

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by smileysmith
Funniest thread I've seen in a while. Wish I was pissed enough to join in ... keep it up Biggus!!! :p


Dont you fvcking dare laugh. This is a serious thread.

[biggus mickus]

I am Elton John.
As such, I need one of you to stick your penis in my rectum. If its ok for him, with his bank account, its ok with my arse.

[Les Butler]

....

[biggus mickus]

Darlin im so horny



The kids are at your mothers place, the house is finally ours, theres bugger all on telly and were just sitting around, and you look alright in the night tonight and im down to socks and skids your a walk up start for a •••• tonight so go and put ur teeth in coz darlin im so horny i could die id •••• a chicken on a chain tonight to see the feathers fly im drowing down im botteling flu if i dont get a •••• tonight coz darlin im so horny i could die so you slip out of your canvas nighty ill kick off me skids you just cant beat a good old fashioned •••• if you get a good nights sleep so grab the jar of vaseline and drag your ass across the room but better make thy baby make prepare to make thy do coz darlin im so horny i could die id •••• a chicken on a chain tonight im drowining uo bottle up flu coz darlin im so horny i could die so clear the table mable let me grab hold of them tits 1,2,3,4, glaze now lets get down to buisness i got a heart on here that a cat couldnt scratch so u better get a bucket of ice getta a bit of back pressure so

darlin have im tired darlin im so horny i could die id •••• a chicken on a chain tonight to see the feathers fly im drowing down im botteling flu if i dont get a •••• tonight coz darlin im so horny i could die x 2

coz darlin im so horny i could die x 3

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by Les Butler
....


Love it. Thats what it was! Not like it is now. Ta Les.:p





If you cant laugh at yourselves, fvck off.

[Les Butler]

You know this thread will be gone by tomorrow morning LOL

[biggus mickus]

As a large person, I have never been a big farter. Its the truth, I promise. Then I found the lyrics to this song years ago, and in a weird way fely jealous. There again, bollox.


I first met him in the classroom
back in 1963
we seemed to hit it off pretty good
we were mates mick and me
he wasn't such a big kid
even back then at the start
and he wasn't all that clever either
but Jesus he could fart

I first found that out in class one day
when things were going pretty slow
and just to keep us all amused
Mick let this ••••••• ripper go
well, you should have been there
look, i'd describe it if i could
but i just turned around and i said,
"Hey Mick your ••••••• good!"

And at the eng of school Grand Final
on the rugby field that time
we were getting beaten
they were 12 and we were 9
and play was 3 yards from our goal-line
when the referee called a scrum
and mick said, "Don't worry fellas,
we've as good as got it won."

So we just locked ourselves down in the scrum,
and we held eachothers nose
and mick our little hooker
he let this ••••••• ripper go!
well, it stung their nose
and it burnt their eyes
and it even scorched the grass
and i twigged right then and there,
he had a double jointed arse!

chorous

Mick, me mate the master farter
put the art back into farting
with his custom tailored farts
Mick, me mate the master farter
broke new ground in breaking wind
with his double jointed arse

verse 2

And it was just a couple of years later
we both went to seee Kamaahl
it was a really poshy sort of show
in this great big bloody hall
all the blokes were dressed like penguins,
well you should have seen the sorts
and Kamaahl himself wore a sheilas dress,
like a bloody black boy george

we were all locked in there like sardines,
for the show to get underway
but the tuber player didn't log
he'd booked off crook that day
and Kamaahl said, "Without a tuber player i cannot commence the show."
so old mick jumps up says,
"Sambo mate, I'll have a ••••••• go!"





Well, from then on in I honestly thought,
that the whole show would be ruined
but he just winked at me and picked that tuber up
just like he knew what he was doing
then the maestro tapped his little stick,
to tell the band to start
and mick just shut his eyes and cocked
his leg,
and then began to fart!

well you could have heard a pin drop
that night there in the hall
and it's hard to say who sounded best
Mick farting or Kamaahl
then the audience just went apeshit
they cheered and clapped and stood
and Kamaahl smiled as if to say,
"Hey Mick, your ••••••• good

chorous

Mick me mate the master farter
put the art back into farting
with his custom tailored farts
Mick me mate the master farter
with his True-pitch perfect, calibrated
double jointed arse

verse 3

Well, good news travels fast it seems
and it wasn't very long
before Mick got this midnight phonecall
from Ben Lexan and Alan Bond
they said, "Mick we've got this specialist job,
and we're prepared to pay ya',
Mick old son would you consider farting for Australia?"

We'll just prop you on our brand new yatch,
when theres no sea-breeze blowing
and get Mick the master farter to start
her and keep the ••••••• going
so Mick went into training
on sausage rolls and pies
and Vegemite and Fosters beer
and a schollarship from Heinz

The world had never seen before
a yatch so finely groomed
or a crew so fit and young and strong
or an arse so finely tuned
the Yanks weren't even in the race
not even in the same class
what with Ben Lexan and his secret keel
and Micks fuel injeted arse

Well he come back a bloody hero didn't he,
the old Australian boy
and government comissioned this bloke
to do a big statue of his Koy
and I can still see Mick standing there
when they confirmed his Knighthood
and Bob Hawke pinning it on saying,
"Hey mick..... your ••••••• good!"

chorous

Mick me mate the master farter
put the class back into farting
with his designer-lable farts
Mick me mate the master farted
with his True-pitch perfect calibrated,
turbo thrusted, fuel injected, W.I.N.G.S.proteced, double jointed arse.

[Les Butler]

I'm heading out, talk on sat Mick...

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by Les Butler
You know this thread will be gone by tomorrow morning LOL


Why?

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by Les Butler
I'm heading out, talk on sat Mick...


Night night Les, take care.


By the way, no swear words on this thread. Thought that way Neil will have to read all of it. LOL. He is going to kick my arse, Which is good. I look at that as foreplay.:angel:

[little al]

Originally posted by Adlerhorst
Worry not. Little Al is bound to be around shortly - you'll have someone to play with then.

I'm far too sober to help you.

Here now but even I cant compete!!!!

[biggus mickus]

Blown to much of me time
Buyin' Dinner and Wine
And me money on flowers and lollies
Only to find
That what's on me mind
Isn't on hers and she's sorry
So I've made up some lines
That save wastin' time
And keep me from blowin' me brass
I'm ever so cool
I just prop on me stool
Right next to hers and I ask

Do you •••• on first dates
Does you Dad own a brewery
Could I feel Your tits
Or would you show 'em to me
Cause you've got a nice head
And you look pretty honest
So me face'll be leavin' in quart of an hour
I'd like you to be on it

You know how it feels when you first meet a sheila
And the bullshit you gotta go through
Like callin' her up
An' tellin' her you love her
When all that you'd love is just a screw
But she wants to hold hands
And meet her old man
And sit around for hours and talk
But me new method is, you just cut through the shit
And get down to the goodies straight off

Do you •••• on first dates
Does you Dad own a brewery
Could I feel Your tits
Or would you show 'em to me
Do you sleep in the nick
Do you give head very often
If we can decide you place or mine
We can •••• off then

You know how it feels when you first meet a sheila
An you'd give a weeks pay to hold her
Don't sit actin' dumb
Just front her full on
and drop a few lines that I told ya
This new method of mine
Doesn't work every time, but then again no method does
I've been spat at and slapped
and need in the nackers
But then I've got a few ••••s as well

Do you •••• on first dates
Does you Dad own a brewery
Could I feel Your tits
Or would you show 'em to me
If the answer is no
to me questions above
Then be a good sport and give me the name
Of a girlfriend who does

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by little al
Here now but even I cant compete!!!!

Hi short arse. How you doing?



Yours

Arsheholed

Spain

[little al]

There was an old lady ...
There was an old lady who lived in the street,
Her passage was blocked up from too much to eat,
She took stomach pills without reading the box,
Before she could think turds were flying for blocks.

Chorus:
Too-ra-li, too-ra-li, too-ra-lay, too-ra-lay,
A rolling stone gathers no moss so they say,
Sing along, sing along, with the birds, with the birds,
It's a wonderful song but it's all about turds.

Well she ran to the window and stuck out her arse,
Just at that moment a p'liceman came past,
That poor old p'liceman was eating his pie,
Whena steaming hot turd hit him right in the eye,

[Chorus]

Well he ran to the East and he ran to the West,
When a further consignment hit him right in the chest,
Well he fled to the North and he fled to the South,
When a bloody great turd hit him right in the mouth.

[Chorus]

The next time you walk over Waterloo bridge,
Look out for a p'liceman asleep on the ridge,
His chest bears a plackard, around it these words,
"Be kind to this cop who's been blinded by turds"

[Chorus twice]

[biggus mickus]

Clint Eastwood, hardman. Then he does Paint your wagon! WTF
He even sings in it, init

I give you the opening lines.



I talk to the tree's
but they dont listen to me
I talk to the stars
but they never hear me.

He talks to a friggin tree, and expects an answer?????
He talks to the stars. This from a man who's country went to the moon!!! Does he know how far the stars are? Need some amp there I tell ya.




Bleedin idiot.

[little al]

I Met a Whore in the Park
Sung to the tune When Jonny Comes Marching Home.
(This is a rugby variation of a popular song about a "young man".)

I met a whore in the park one day
ya ho, ya ho
I met a whore in the park one day
ya ho, ya ho
I met a whore in the park one day
She said hey rugger, you wanna lay

Refrain:

Get in, Get out, quit ••••in' about
ya ho, ya ho, ya ho.

I put my hand upon her toe
ya ho, ya ho
I put my hand upon her toe
ya ho, ya ho
I put my hand upon her toe,
she said hey rugger you're way to low.

Refrain

I put my hand upon her knee
ya ho, ya ho
I put my hand upon her knee
ya ho, ya ho
I put my hand upon her knee,
she said hey rugger you're kiddin' me

Refrain

I put my hand upon her thigh
ya ho, ya ho
I put my hand upon her thigh
ya ho, ya ho
I put my hand upon her thigh,
she said hey rugger you're way to shy

Refrain

I put my hand upon her tit
ya ho ya
I put my hand upon her tit
ya ho ya
I put my hand upon her tit
she said, "hey rugger, you're getting it"

Refrain

I put my hand upon her twat
ya ho, ya ho
I put my hand upon her twat
ya ho, ya ho
I put my hand upon her twat,
she said hey rugger you hit the spot

Refrain

I put my dick into her mouth
yo ho, yo ho,
I put my dick into her mouth
yo ho, yo ho,
I put my dick into her mouth,
She said mmm, mhmh, mhmhm...

Refrain

I put her in a wooden box
ya ho, ya ho
I put her in a wooden box
ya ho, ya ho
I put her in a wooden box,
from havin' too many rugger's cocks

Refrain

I dig her up every now and then
ya ho, ya ho
I dig her up every now and then
ya ho, ya ho
I dig her up every now and then,
she did me before she'll do me again

Refrain

Now these few ruggers they went to hell
ya ho, ya ho
Now these few ruggers they went to hell
ya ho, ya ho
Now these few ruggers they went to hell,
the ••••ed the devil his wives as well

ya ho, ya ho, ya ho.

[Eagle Of Cray]

Mick IF Mrs EoC is a tad quiet tomorrow you will know that despite my double promise of only being here a few hours I actually spent all night reading this thread and she has gone without me :eek:

[little al]

Getting there!!

[biggus mickus]

One for Matov.

When you're a Jet,
You're a Jet all the way
From your first cigarette
To your last dyin' day.

When you're a Jet,
If the spit hits the fan,
You got brothers around,
You're a family man!

You're never alone,
You're never disconnected!
You're home with your own:
When company's expected,
You're well protected!

Then you are set
With a capital J,
Which you'll never forget
Till they cart you away.
When you're a Jet,
You stay a Jet!

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by EAGLE OF CRAY
Mick IF Mrs EoC is a tad quiet tomorrow you will know that despite my double promise of only being here a few hours I actually spent all night reading this thread and she has gone without me :eek:


ROFL.

Bless her.
Does she want me to sing to her manana?:angel:

[biggus mickus]

Janet is the only MOD left online. Shame, nice girl. Sorry Janet.:hi:

[PalaceFan in Alabama]

Hello Funny Spanish git :hi:

Why for you still on BSB, it is well past your bed time. I know I will get your sheep minder and maybe he can let you play with one of his friends.

Night Mick, be good :hmph:

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by PalaceFan in Alabama
Hello Funny Spanish git :hi:

Why for you still on BSB, it is well past your bed time. I know I will get your sheep minder and maybe he can let you play with one of his friends.

Night Mick, be good :hmph:


Hi Phil. You got rid of those spots on your scrotum yet?
The internet is still open, and i have not finished the bottle.
I looked at the threads, got bored, and tried to put a chuckle on my face.
As for the Dutch fool, who can tell.;)

[Eagle Of Cray]

Originally posted by biggus mickus
ROFL.

Bless her.
Does she want me to sing to her nana?:angel:

Unfortunately her nana died last year :(

[Neil the Eagle]

Go to bed biggus, see you on Sept 2 :lux:

[PalaceFan in Alabama]

Originally posted by biggus mickus
Hi Phil. You got rid of those spots on your scrotum yet?

I will ask Maidstone :D :p

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by Neil the Eagle
Go to bed biggus, see you on Sept 2 :lux:


Hi Neil, I love you.:love:

I want to be the mother of your bastards. If thats ok with you.:angel:

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by PalaceFan in Alabama
I will ask Maidstone :D :p


ROFLMAO.

[biggus mickus]

Originally posted by EAGLE OF CRAY
Unfortunately her nana died last year :(



DOH!:(

[Neil the Eagle]

Originally posted by biggus mickus
Hi Neil, I love you.:love:

I want to be the mother of your bastards. If thats ok with you.:angel:

Steady now. :cool:

[lightweight]

Originally posted by biggus mickus
Janet is the only MOD left online. Shame, nice girl. Sorry Janet.:hi:

:hi:

haven't read the first 2 pages yet.... not sure whether I want to or not :clown:

[biggus mickus]

Internet shutting.:sob:

Adios.

[Neil the Eagle]

Night night, Mick!

You bad lad.

You can play hunt the thread in the morning...

[mulu]

i love u biggus-and mohican type bloke!

[Eagle Of Cray]

BTW Mick I have a slight inkling Neil the Eagle may have got wind of this thread keep 'em peeled.

[Neil the Eagle]

Originally posted by mulu
i love u biggus-and mohican type bloke!

Who me?

[mulu]

sexy dj type creature

fancied you for ages on those decks=playin sum wicked muzac

[Neil the Eagle]

get in the queue...

[mulu]

do u take requests?

[Neil the Eagle]

I have been known to

[mulu]

white stripes or public enemy?

if i lean over and break ur arm would u be annoyed?

how do i approach you with a drink in hand?

[mulu]

turntable arm.......

[Neil the Eagle]

Nice try, but I don't use turntables anymore.

White Stripes :p
Public Enemy :moo:

You approach me with two drinks in hand - one of them being a bottle of Becks for me.

(I was wondering where follow cpfc had got to...)

[Shipp Ahoy!]

Oh dear what a thread :D

[Neil the Eagle]

Don't worry, it'll be gone in a minute...

[Marc]

I'll just copy bits of it right now then :o

[Suetext]

Find that, Mickus...

[Q2thaZ]

ROFLMAO - this thread has made my day

[smileysmith]

Blimey - this thread still exists!!! :eek:

:D

[biggus mickus]

Oh dear. I was drunk. Thats all I can say about it.:confused: :D

[Les Butler]

Big girly boy !

[biggus mickus]

Note to self. Avoid Rum and the BBS.:bash: :bash:

Some of those lyrics are funny, if a tad rude.;)

[MicksSis]

:D
I thought this had gone for ever.

[biggus mickus]

Derek & Clive -
"Parking Offence"
[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

CLIVE:
I had, er, another bad day yesterday 'cause I got, erm, I got nicked for speeding in the toilet. Er, I's cumming at about forty miles an hour 'cause, you know, I's dyin' for a piss.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And this attendant nicked me for speeding.
DEREK:
Tch!
CLIVE:
So I told him, you know, that, er, the reason I was going so fast was that I 'ad, er, I had a, er, metallic penis and that th-, there was-, there was a magnet on the urinal which drew me towards it at an un-, unnatural speed.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And he said, "All right then, where's the magnet?" So, naturally I had to, you know, grope around the urinal .....
DEREK:
But you found one, of course.
CLIVE:
Well, I had one in my pocket.
DEREK:
Oh, right.
CLIVE:
So I diverted his attention by hitting him in the eye with a toilet roll, and said, "Oh! There's the magnet!" You know, pulled it out from my pocket.
DEREK:
Right, right.
CLIVE:
Then he said, "O.K., where's your metallic knob?" I said, "Look, mate, I'm not a homosexual," I said .....
DEREK:
Right!
CLIVE:
..... "And the fact that my knob is made of bits of Meccano is none of your business." And so, you know, he let the whole thing, er, pass, but it was, it, it was a narrow-, a narrow miss.
DEREK:
Well I was, er, a-hem, I was out in, er, in the, err, in the road- ..... -my car, you know.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And, er, I-, I had it on this meter for about four days, you know.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And the warden came up to me, said, "I'm giving you a ticket." I said, "You can't give me a ticket, mate."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "You jus-, you can't give me a ticket," I said, er, "I'm blind."
CLIVE:
Oh, yeah!
DEREK:
You know.
CLIVE:
That, that, that's good.
DEREK:
So, errr, I-, he said, "Well, that's neither here nor there." I said, "What do you mean? It's right here with me." So he sai-, I sai-, I said, "I don't know what you said anyway, I'm deaf."
CLIVE:
Ahhh!
DEREK:
You know.
CLIVE:
You said you were deaf and blind?
DEREK:
Right, so .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... that got him a bit puzzled. Then he said, er, he said, "Well," he said, "how come you're driving a car and you're blind and deaf?" I said, "I can't answer that, I'm dumb."
CLIVE:
Ah, that put him his place, yeah.
DEREK:
Put him in his ••••••• place, he walked off with his head bowed.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
You know.
CLIVE:
With his tail between his knees.
DEREK:
Right. And, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Yeah. He gave me a ticket though.
CLIVE:
Oh, ••••in' .....
DEREK:
••••••• ••••. They try it on, don't they?
CLIVE:
People try so much on! Don't they? Don't they?
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah, ••••••• try it on, mate.
CLIVE:
I ran over a woman the other day .....
DEREK:
Oh yeah?
CLIVE:
..... and, er, on the mo- motorcycle actually.
DEREK:
Oh, nice.
CLIVE:
And in doing-, ye-, she-, I mean, it was her fault .....
DEREK:
W'th' f- .....
CLIVE:
..... 'cause she was just attracting attention 'cause she .....
DEREK:
Walking across the road, right?
CLIVE:
No, er, er, no, she .....
DEREK:
With a stick?
CLIVE:
A pedestrian crossing, with a stick, yeah.
DEREK:
Aaa- ••••••• stick, ••••.
CLIVE:
She was lit up .....
DEREK:
Yea-h-h-h-h.
CLIVE:
..... in the glow of the Belisha beacon.
DEREK:
Right, you're bound to hit her, 'int you? Seeing as-
CLIVE:
Could scarcely miss her!
DEREK:
See as- bright as that.
CLIVE:
's-, a-, bright as that. And, er, motorcycle ripped straight up her and the, er, the exhaust caught her knickers and, er, burned them, you know, and charred her round the, you know, the doo-dah .....
DEREK:
Round the toilet area
CLIVE:
..... round th-, er-, er- toilet area.
DEREK:
••••, right.
CLIVE:
So naturally I stooped down to rape her.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And this, er, policeman came up and said, "'ere! Er, stop that! .....
DEREK:
No-o-o
CLIVE:
..... What are you doing?"
DEREK:
What a ••••!
CLIVE:
I said, "I-, I am a war veteran .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... I'm trying to, er, gain some publicity for the deprived."
DEREK:
Yeah, I ran over, er-er, maybe it was the same lady .....
CLIVE:
What-, wh-, sh- .....
DEREK:
She was-, she was just coming out of the hospital .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... with a lot of bandages on, going across the pedestrian crossing.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Er, I think it must have been the same lady.
CLIVE:
'b- 'bout seventy-five?
DEREK:
That's right, yeah.
CLIVE:
White hair?
DEREK:
That's right, big tits. And, er, I ripped right through her with the 'cycle, you know.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
So-o, and she gave me the same trouble.
CLIVE:
What?
DEREK:
You know, ••••••• exhaust, I don't know how it got in her knickers but, you know, er, it got there, exhaust. And, erm, er, I's, you know, policeman came up, probably the same bloke. He said, "I-," he said, "Er-r-r, couple of days ago some bloke ran this woman down and, er, started to try and rape her, just the way you're doing."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "Well, aren't y-." I said, "Are you getting the ••••••• message then??" I said, "Aren't you getting some, I-, er-, aren't you twigging something here, officer?"
CLIVE:
Yeah. "Can't you see what's afoot?"
DEREK:
"Can't you see what's going on here officer?" I said, "If you can't-, if you, if you haven't got the gumption to see what's going on," I said, "then you can •••• off out the force."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
So, he, err, he took my point. And, er, led me by the point to the police station. Put it on the table. They finger-printed it, of course, all their hands all over my knob .....
CLIVE:
Oh, gawd help us!
DEREK:
..... for about four hours.
CLIVE:
Shocking.
DEREK:
And, err-
CLIVE:
Look. I used to think this country .....
DEREK:
(clears throat)
CLIVE:
..... was a land of opportunity.
DEREK:
Oh, •••• that, mate! No!
CLIVE:
And now, .....
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
..... it is turned into a, a Gestapo khasi.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
One officer come up to me and he said, "Look! Your motor's weaving all over the k-, all over the road!" I said, "What d'you expect? I'm pissed out of me head!" I said, "•••• me! Can't you see that? I've got four empty bottles of scotch in the ••••••• motor .....
DEREK:
What you've-
CLIVE:
..... I'm swigging a bottle scotch now, .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... can't you understand why I'm swerving about?"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
'c'se I'm ••••••• drunk, y' ••••!
DEREK:
Yeah! What a ••••, eh?
CLIVE:
He arrested me. Do you what technicality he got me on?
DEREK:
What?
CLIVE:
Murder.
DEREK:
Oh, ••••••• hell.

[Maidstoned Eagle]

How about a classic;
The Ballad of Eskimo Nell

Gather 'round, all you whorey,
Gather 'round, and hear my story.


When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue;
When it bends in the middle like a one-string fiddle,
He can tell you a tale or two.
So pull up a chair and stand me a drink,
And a tale to you I'll tell
About Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
And a harlot named Eskimo Nell.


When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go forth in search of fun,
It's Dead-Eye Dick that swings the prick,
And Mexican Pete the gun.
When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Are sore, depressed and sad,
It's always a •••• that bears the brunt,
But the shooting's not so bad.


Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Lived down by Dead Man's Creek,
And such was their luck that they'd had no ••••
For nigh on half a week.
Oh, a moose or two, and a caribou,
And a bison cow or so,
But for Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,
This ••••••• was mighty slow.


Dick pound on his cock with a huge piece of rock,
And he said, "I want to play!,
It's been almost a week at this ••••••• creek,
With no •••• coming my way!"
So, do or dare, this horny pair
Set off for the Rio Grande:
Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,
And Pete with his gun in hand.


Then, as they blazed their noisy trail,
No man, their path withstood.
Many a bride, her husband's pride,
A pregnant widow stood.
They reached the strand of the Rio Grand
At the height of a blazing noon.
To slake their thirst, and do their worst,
They sought Black Mike's saloon.


The swinging doors they pushed back wide,
Both prick and gun flashed free.
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
You'll drink or you'll •••• with me!"
Now, they'd heard of the prick of Dead-Eye Dick,
From the Yukon to Panama,
So, with scarcely worse than a muttered curse,
The fellows all sought the bar.


When Dick walked in to a house of sin,
The whores all cursed their luck,
Not even a tart dared let out a fart,
When he said - "I want to ••••!"
The girls they knew of his playful ways
Down on the Rio Grande,
And forty whores pulled down their drawers
At Dead-eye Dick's command.


For they saw the finger of Mexican Pete
Move on the trigger grip,
So they didn't wait and at a fearful rate
Those whores began to strip.
Now, Dead-Eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts,
So forty butts were bared to view,
And likewise forty •••••.


Now, forty butts and forty •••••,
If you can use your wits,
And if you're slick, at arithmetic,
Makes exactly eighty tits.
Sure, eighty tits are a gladsome sight
For a man with a raging stand.
It may be rare in Berkeley Square,
But not on the Rio Grande!


Now Dead-Eye Dick had ••••ed a few
On the last preceding night,
This he had done just to have some fun
And to whet his appetite.
His phallic limb was in ••••••• trim.
As he backed and took a run,
He made a dart at the nearest tart,
and scored a hole in one.


The lady he bore to the dusty floor,
And there he filled her fine,
And though she grinned, it put the wind
Up the other thirty-nine.
When Dead-Eye Dick lets loose his prick,
He has no time to spare,
With speed and strength, combined with length,
He fairly singes hair.


He had made a dart at the next fair tart,
When into that harlot's hell
Strode a gentle maid who was unfraid:
Her name was Eskimo Nell.
But Dead-Eye Dick had got his prick
Well into number two,
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell.
She bawled to him, "Hey, you!"


Dick gave a flick of his muscular prick,
And the girl flew over his head,
He then wheeled about with an angry shout;
His face and his balls were red.
Nell glanced our hero up and down,
His looks she seemed to decry.
With utter scorn, she sneered at the horn
Which rose from his hairy thigh.


She blew the smoke of her cigarette
All over his steaming knob.
So utterly beat was Mexican Pete
That he failed to do his job.
It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell
In accents clear and cool:
"You ••••-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp!
You call that thing a tool?


"If this here town can't take that down,"
She said to those cowering whores,
"There's another •••• that can do the stunt,
But it Eskimo Nell's, not yours."
She dropped her garments one by one
With an air of consumate pride,
And as she stood in her womanhood,
They saw the Great Divide.


She seated herself on a table top,
Where someone had left a glass.
With a twitch of her tits, she crushed it to bits
Between the cheeks of her ass.
She flexed her knees with supple ease,
And spread her thighs apart.
With a friendly nod to the mangy sod,
She gave him the cue to start.


Now, Dead-Eye Dick knew more than one trick,
And he meant to take his time,
For a woman like this was orgasmic bliss,
So he played the pantomime.
He flexed his asshole to and fro,
And made his balls inflate,
Until they looked like the granite knobs
On the top of a palace gate.


He blew his anus inside out,
His balls increased in size,
His mighty prick grew twice as thick
And reached almost to his eyes.
He polished his dick with alcohol,
Then, to make it steaming hot,
He finished the job, when he sprinkled his knob
With a cayenne pepperpot.


Then he did neither start to run
Nor did he take a leap,
Nor did he stoop, but with a swoop
Began a steady, forward creep.
As a marksman might, he took a sight
Along his mighty tool,
And his steady grin as he pushed it in
Showed a calculated cool.


Have you ever seen the pistons
On the mighty C.P.R.,
With the driving force of a thousand horse?
Well, then you know what pistons are.
Or, you think you do, but you've yet to see
The ins and outs of the trick
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a fellow like Dead-Eye Dick.


But Eskimo Nell was no infidel,
As good as a whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen
And the Rock of Ages between.
With nary a scream, she could take the stream
Like the flush of a watercloset.
Now, she gripped his cock like a Chatswood Lock
On the National Safe Deposit.


But Dead-Eye Dick would not come quick,
He meant to conserve his powers,
For if he'd a mind, he'd grind and grind
For sixteen solid hours.
Nell lay a while with a subtle smile,
Then the grip of her •••• grew keener,
And a squeeze of her thigh then sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.


She performed this trick in a way so slick
As to set in complete defiance
The principal cause and basic laws
That govern sexual science.
She calmly rode through the phallic code
Which for years had withstood the test,
And the ancient rules of the classic schools
In a moment or two, went west.


Right here, my friend, we come to the end
Of copulation's classic:
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick
And akin to an anaesthetic.
He fell to the floor, and he knew no more,
His passions extinct and dead,
Nor did he shout as his cock fell out,
Though 'twas stripped right down to a thread.


Then, Mexican Pete did leap to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront,
With a jarring jolt of his blue-nosed Colt,
He rammed it up Nellie's ••••.
He rammed it hard to the trigger guard,
Then fired two times three,
But to his surprise, Nell closed her eyes
And smiled in ecstacy.


She rose to her feet with a smile so sweet,
Then "Bully," she said, "for you.
Though I might have guessed that that was the best
That you two poor pimps could do.
"When next, my friend, that you intend
To sally forth for fun,
Buy Dead-Eye Dick a sugar stick,
And yourself an elephant gun.


"I'm going forth to the frozen North
Where the peckers are hard and strong,
Back to the land of the frozen stand
Where the nights are six months long.
"It's hard as tin when they put it in
In the land where spunk is spunk.
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream,
But a solid, frozen chunk.


"Back to the land where they understand
What it means to fornicate,
Where even the dead sleep two in a bed
And the babies masturbate.
"Back to the land of the grinding gland,
Where the walrus plays with his prong,
Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair,
That's where they'll sing this song.


"They'll tell this tale on the Arctic trail
Where the nights are sixty below,
Where it's so damn cold the jonnies are sold
Wrapped up in a ball of snow.
"In the Valley of Death with baited breath,
That's where they'll sing it too,
Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle
And the rotting corpses screw.


"Back to the land where men are Men,
I'll say 'Terra Bellicum,'
And there I'll spend my worthy end,
For the North is calling: 'Come!'"
Then Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Slunk away from the Rio Grande,
Dead-Eye Dick with his useless prick,
And Pete with no gun in his hand.


When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue,
And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle,
I'd say he was ••••ed, wouldn't you?

[biggus mickus]

No mods online again. Filled with rum, I shall be a good boy.:angel:

[follow cpfc]

Originally posted by biggus mickus
No mods online again. Filled with rum, I shall be a good boy.:angel: :D

[Maidstoned Eagle]

BUMS!

[embryo eagle]

I just did a search of "Mick Me Mate The Master Farter" and this was the only hit. Splendid.

[Ridcully]

Guest browsing has its advantages, you get to see much further. This thread made me smile, not so much the content itself but more the image of maniacal demented Chocky slaving away at the keyboard too pissed to be coherent but with cut and paste still working....just :D

[RickyB]

wicked! I'd forgotten about this :moo:

[biggus mickus]

I just tripped over this. In the days when I was allowed to stay up late.

[Maidstoned Eagle]

Ah.....the good old days. :)

[Maidstoned Eagle]

Hi Phil. You got rid of those spots on your scrotum yet?

I wonder if PfiA still has a spotty scrotum?

[biggus mickus]

I just did a search of "Mick Me Mate The Master Farter" and this was the only hit. Splendid.


This made me chuckle.

I will text Phil and find out Pete.:D

[Heb 7:4]

This is the most interesting thread I have ever seen in here