Clean but funny jokes2

[Leicester Eagle]

&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifCTUAL SIGNS SEEN ACROSS THE USA
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gift a Santa Fe gas station:
> "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn a New York restaurant:
> "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
>
>On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
> "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the
w. --Sisters
>of Mercy"
>
>On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
> "38 years on the same spot."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn a Los Angeles dance hall:
> "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn a Florida maternity ward:
> "No children allowed."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn a New York drugstore:
> "We dispense with accuracy."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn the offices of a loan company:
> "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn a New York medical building:
> "Mental Health Prevention Center"
>
>On a New York convalescent home:
> "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
>
>On a Maine shop:
> "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
>workmanship."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gift a number of military bases:
> "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
>
>On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
> "Now available in multi-packs."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
> "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn a funeral parlor:
> "Ask about our layaway plan."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn a clothing store:
> "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
> "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
>
>On a shopping mall marquee:
> "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
>
>Outside a country shop:
> "We buy junk and sell antiques."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn the window of an Oregon store:
> "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn a Maine restaurant:
> "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
>
>On a radiator repair garage:
> "Best place to take a leak."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn the vestry of a New England church:
> "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/supergrin.gifxtinguished."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifn a Pennsylvania cemetery:
> "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/dead.gifraves."
>
>On a roller coaster:
> "Watch your head."
>
>On the grounds of a public school:
> "No trespassing without permission."
>
>On a Tennessee highway:
> "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
>
>Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
> "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifnd apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gify human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this
>sign."

[Leicester Eagle]

&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gif photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/dead.gifreat forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to
fly
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/cool.gifim over the fire.
>The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/supergrin.gifnough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/cool.gife jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
>The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind
and
>soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
>"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
>several low-level passes." "Why?," asked the nervous pilot.
>"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a
>photographer, and photographers take pictures."
> After a long pause, the pilot replied: "You mean, you're not my
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifnstructor?"

[Leicester Eagle]

>&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifctual label instructions on consumer goods:
>>
>>On Sears hairdryer:
>&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sunglasses.gifo not use while sleeping.
>>
>>On a bag of Fritos:
>>You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
>>
>>On a bar of Dial soap:
>&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sunglasses.gifirections: Use like regular soap.
>>
>>On some Swann frozen dinners:
>>Serving suggestion: Defrost.
>>
>>On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
>&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/embarass.gifits one head.
>>
>>On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/frown.gifprinted on bottom of the box)
>&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sunglasses.gifo not turn upside down.
>>
>>On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
>>Product will be hot after heating.
>>
>>On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
>&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sunglasses.gifo not iron clothes on body.
>>
>>On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
>&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sunglasses.gifo not drive car or operate machinery.
>>
>>On Nytol sleep aid:
>>Warning: may cause drowsiness.
>>
>>On a Korean kitchen knife:
>>Warning keep out of children.
>>
>>On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
>&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/embarass.gifor indoor or outdoor use only.
>>
>>On a Japanese food processor:
>>Not to be used for the other use.
>>
>>On Sainsbury's peanuts:
>>Warning: contains nuts.
>>
>>On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
>&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifnstructions: open packet, eat nuts.
>>
>>On a Swedish chainsaw:
>&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sunglasses.gifo not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
>>
>>On a child's Superman costume:
>>Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

[Leicester Eagle]

&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gif blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were
>watching the six O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gifrooklyn Bridge.
>
>The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead
>replied, "I'll take that bet!"
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifnyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she
>owed.
>The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend."
>
>The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".
>
>So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock
>news, so I can't take your money".
>The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

[Leicester Eagle]

>Two women, a brunette and a blonde, are leaving for work.
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gifrunette: "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops.
>
>The brunette is driving and the blonde is looking for cops out the back.
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gifrunette: "So, do you see any cops?"
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.giflonde: "Yes.
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gifrunette: "Are they behind us?"
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.giflonde: "Yes.
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gifrunette: "Are they close?"
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.giflonde: "Yes.
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gifrunette: "Are they going to stop us?"
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.giflonde: "I don't know.
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gifrunette: "Well, are their lights on?"
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.giflonde: "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

[Leicester Eagle]

A life-long Glasgow man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to
give
>up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer.
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/cool.gife bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his
next
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sunglasses.gifoor neighbour was also a chicken farmer. The neighbour came for a visit
one
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sunglasses.gifay and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get
>started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
>
>The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbour dropped
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gify to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too well. All
100
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sleepy.gifhickens died." The neighbour said, "Oh, I cant believe that. I've never
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/cool.gifad any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifnother two weeks went by and the neighbour stopped by again. The new
farmer
>said, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died
>too. Astounded, the neighbour asked, "What went wrong?"
>The new farmer said, "Well, I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep
>or too close together."

[Leicester Eagle]

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to
>OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/supergrin.gifmerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/dead.gifREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/surprised.gifimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gif've come for some courage. "No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
>
>Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well, Well, Well, I need a brain." "Done,
>says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
>
>Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/cool.gifeart." "I've heard it's true, says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
>
>Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there looking
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifround, but doesn't say a word.
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gifrritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
>
>"Is Dorothy around?"

[Leicester Eagle]

>>> THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
>>>
>>> "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
>>> started to dig."
>>>
>>> "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
>>>
>>> "I would not allow this employee to breed."
>>>
>>> "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
>>> definitely won't be."
>>>
>>> "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
>>> trap."
>>>
>>> "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever
>>> foot was previously in there."
>>>
>>> "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
>>>
>>> "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
>>>
>>> "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
>>> them."
>>>
>>> "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
>>>
>>> "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts,the better."
>>>
>>>
>>> THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS OR OERS
>>> (OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS).
>>>
>>> "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
>>>
>>> "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
>>>
>>> "A room temperature IQ."
>>>
>>> "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
>together."
>>>
>>> "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
>>>
>>> "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
>>>
>>> "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
>>>
>>> "Bright as Alaska in December."
>>>
>>> "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."
>>>
>>> "Donated his body to science before he was done using it."
>>>
>>> "Fell out of the family tree."
>>>
>>> "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
>>>
>>> "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
>>>
>>> "He's so dense, light bends around him."
>>>
>>> "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
>>>
>>> "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
>>>
>>> "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
>>>
>>> "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
>>>
>>> "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
>>>
>>> "One neuron short of a synapse."
>>>
>>> "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
>>>
>>> "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
>>>
>>> "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[Leicester Eagle]

&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sunglasses.gifyslexics have more fnu
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sleepy.giflones are people, two
>
>Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
>
>Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gif mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gif waist is a terrible thing to mind
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifir Pollution is a mist-demeanor
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifnything free is worth what you pay for it
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.giftheism is a non-prophet organization
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sleepy.gifhemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sleepy.gifole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sunglasses.gifoes the name Pavlov ring a bell?
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/supergrin.gifditing is a rewording activity
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/supergrin.gifveryone is entitled to my opinion
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/cool.gifelp stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gif used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
>
>What if there were no hypothetical questions?
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/supergrin.gifnergizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
>
>No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gifoycott shampoo . . . Demand the real stuff

[Leicester Eagle]

>The following is part of a transcript from an actual radio conversation
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gifetween a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of
>Newfoundland in October, 1995.
>
>US ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sleepy.gifollision.
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sleepy.gifanada: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to
avoid
a
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sleepy.gifollision.
>
>US ship: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert
>your course.
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sleepy.gifanada: No. I say again, divert your course.
>
>US ship: This is the aircraft carrier USS Missouri. We are a large
>warship of the US navy. Divert your course NOW!
>
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sleepy.gifanada: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Leicester Eagle]

>> A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is
>> foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a
>> close shave around the cheeks.
>>
>> "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
>> wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between
>> your cheek and gum."
>>
>> The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
>> proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
>> After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
>> "And what if I swallow it?"
>>
>> "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow
>> like everyone else does."

[Leicester Eagle]

>>> 1997's best actual news headlines.
>
>1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
>
> 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
>
> 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
>
> 4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
>
> 5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
>
> 6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
>
> 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
>
> 8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
>
> 9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
>
> 10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
>
> 11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
>
> 12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
>
> 13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
>
> 14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
>
> 15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
>
> 16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
>
> 17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
>
> 18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
>
> 19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
>
> 20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
>
> 21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Times in 10 Years
>
> 22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
>
> 23. War Dims Hope for Peace
>
> 24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
>
> 25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
>
> 26. Deer Kill 17,000
>
> 27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
>
> 28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
>
> 29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
>
> 30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
>
> 31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
>
> 32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
>
> 33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
>
> 34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
>
> 35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
>
> 36. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
>
> 37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
>
> 38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
>
> 39. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[Leicester Eagle]

&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/cool.gifere are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifnd the replies from the maintenance crews....
>
> Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
> Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
>
> Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
>Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
>
>Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
>Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
>Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
>
>Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
> Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
>
>Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
>Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
>
>Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
> Solution: "Evidence removed."
>
>Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
> Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
>
>Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
> Solution: "Live bugs on order."
>
>Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
> Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
>
>Problem: "IFF inoperative."
>Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
>
>Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
> Solution: "That's what they're there for."
>
>Problem: "Number three engine missing."
> Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/cool.gifere are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifnd the replies from the maintenance crews....
>
> Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
> Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
>
> Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
>Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
>
>Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
>Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
>Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
>
>Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
> Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
>
>Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
>Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
>
>Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
> Solution: "Evidence removed."
>
>Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
> Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
>
>Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
> Solution: "Live bugs on order."
>
>Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
> Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
>
>Problem: "IFF inoperative."
>Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
>
>Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
> Solution: "That's what they're there for."
>
>Problem: "Number three engine missing."
> Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

[Leicester Eagle]

> Funny Product Labels
>
> In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
> through
> stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer
> products;
>
> 1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
> NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
>
> 2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
> REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
>
> 3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
> USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
>
> 4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
> AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
>
> 5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
> THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
>
> 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
> TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO > ROOM
TEMPERATURE
> BEFORE OPENING.
> (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
>
> 7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
> LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE
> PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A
> SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
> APPROXIMATELY 5
> MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
>
> 8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
> OPEN OTHER END.
>
> 9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
> WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
>
> 10. On a Sears hairdryer -
> DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
>
> 11. On a bag of Fritos -
> YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
> (The shoplifter special!)
>
> 12. On a bar of Dial soap -
> DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
> (And that would be how?)
>
> 13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
> DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
> (Too late! You lose!)
>
> 14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
> PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
> (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
>
> 15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
> WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
> (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
>
> 16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
> FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
> (As opposed to....?)
>
> 17. On a Japanese food processor -
> NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
> (Now I'm curious.)
>
> 18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
> WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
> (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
>
> 19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
> INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
> (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
>
> 20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
> DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
> (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
>
> 21. On a child's superman costume -
> WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
> (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
>
> 22. On some frozen dinners
> SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
>
> 23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
> FITS ONE HEAD.
>
> 24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
> DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
>
> 25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
> DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
>
> 26. On Nytol sleep aid
> WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
> (Duh!)

[Leicester Eagle]

FEMALE COMEBACKS
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.>

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

[Jonboy]

Great stuff LE. they're now doing the rounds in my office.


A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea.

He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "Oh, ****; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[Egg Sample]

&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gif tramp walks into a posh bar in the West End. "Sod off" screams the

> barman
> >"we don't want you scruffy types in here".
> >"I don't want a drink" says the tramp "just give me a cocktail
stick". So
> he
> &gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/dead.gifives him a cocktail stick and the tramp leaves.
> >
> &gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gif few minutes later, another tramp comes in. "Sod off" screams the
> barman
> >"we don't want you scruffy types in here".
> >"I don't want a drink" says the tramp, "just give me a cocktail
stick".
> So
> he
> &gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/dead.gifives him a cocktail stick and the tramp leaves.
> >
> &gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifbout five minutes later a third tramp comes in. "Sod off" screams
the
> &gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/shy.gifarman "we don't want you scruffy types in here".
> >"I don't want a drink" says the tramp, "I just want a straw".
> >
> &gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sunglasses.gifetermined to find out just what is happening, the barman says, "what
is
> &gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/dead.gifoing on and why do you want a straw?"
> >The tramp replied "someone's been sick outside, but the best bits
have
> &gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.giflready gone".