Dodgy joke alert

[Leicester Eagle]

A husband was going away on a business trip for a week and was
worried that his wife might have an affair whilst he was away, due to
lack of sexual gratification. So he decided to go to a sex shop and
buy her a dildo. On arrival, he was amazed to see the amount of
choice that was available, and decided to consult the shopkeeper, who
took him into a back room to have a private chat. The shopkeeper
gave him a brief summary of the range available
"We have all your basic requirements, as well as..." Here the
shopkeeper went quiet. The husband was intrigued and made the
shopkeeper tell him.
"Well we do have something called a "voodoo penis" He reluctantly
admitted. Then, he opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a wooden
box, which he placed on the table. Opening it, the husband was
surprised to find a very ordinary looking dildo.
"What's so special about that?" He demanded. The shopkeeper told him
to watch carefully. Then, in a firm, clear voice the shopkeeper said
"Voodoo penis, the door." As if by magic, the dildo flew out of the
box, across the room to the door and began thrusting the keyhole, so
powerfully that the whole room began to shake, cracks began to
appear in the walls, and bits of plaster began falling onto the
floor. At last, the shopkeeper said "Voodoo penis, the box" At which
point the dildo stopped and flew back into the box. The husband was
amazed and wanted to buy it, but the shopkeeper was still very
reluctant to sell it. The husband offered a lot of money and the
shopkeeper finally agreed to the price.

Pleased with his purchase, the husband took the voodoo penis in its
box to his wife, and told her how to use it. The wife was
incredulous, but also thought that she would never need to use it.
The following day, the husband left on business. The wife bore his
absence very well, however on the evening of the third day, she found
herself feeling unbearably horny. Knowing of several men who would be
more than happy to satisfy her needs, she chose instead to try out
her husband's present. She got undressed, lay on the bed and set the
box in front of her. Opening it, she demanded.
"Voodoo penis, my crotch." As soon as she had said the last word, the
dildo jumped out of the box and flew inbetween her legs where it
began thrusting away like crazy. It was unbelieveable! She had orgasm
after earth-shattering orgasm, but after a while she began to feel
tired and had had enough. Unfortunately, her husband had neglected to
tell her how to stop the voodoo penis, by ordering it back in the
box, and the wife began to feel very frightened. At last she resolved
to drive to hospital. Whilst in the car, she had yet another
earth-shattering orgasm which sent the car all over the road. She was
pulled over by a policeman on a motorbike.
"What do you think you're doing, then?" he asked, when she had wound
down the window.
"It's not me, it's this voodoo penis. I can't stop it and now it
won't stop shagging me!" She managed to pant. Naturally the policeman
did not believe her.
"Who are trying to fool, madam? You've obviously been drinking and I
must report you. Honestly! Voodoo penis, my arse!"


------------------

[Leicester Eagle]

> > > > > > > > >Imagine if major companies from all around the
> > > > > > > > >world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
> > > > > > > > >They would become fashionable and companies
> > > > > > > > >would probably advertise more openly.
> > > > > > > > >Just a few examples ....
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Nike Condoms : - Just do it.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Peugeot Condoms : - The ride of your life.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony
> > > > > > > > >Condoms.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today?
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Safeway Condoms : - Lightening the Load
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Abbey National Condoms : - Because life's complicated
>enough
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Coca Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Ever Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going.....
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >ESSO Condoms: - The eye of the Tiger
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's
>that
> > > > > > > > >simple.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Goodyear Condoms : "For a longer ride go wide"
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >**** condoms - no comment required
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Vauxhall condoms - Raising the Standard
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Philips Condoms - Lets make things better
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >BT condoms - Stay in touch !
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Halfords Condoms - We go the extra mile
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >and last but not least.....
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >ONdigital condoms - Plug and Play


------------------

[Leicester Eagle]

Superman was on routine patrol when he spotted Wonder Woman attached
to the top of the Empire State Building in a rather spread-eagled,
alluring fashion. It was no secret that SM had always lusted after
WW and on this occasion he could resist his desires no longer.
Forgetting all his moral values, SM swooped down, did the business
and made good his escape at the speed of light. Gasping, WW said,
"WHAT was that?" "I don't know", said the Invisible Man, "but I
didn't enjoy it much."


------------------

[Leicester Eagle]

One day, Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his
church.

"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep
during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this sharpened pencil with
you. I will be able to tell when she is sleeping, and I will signal
you. When I signal you, give her a good poke in the leg with the
pencil."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozes off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. As he shouted out, "And who made
the ultimate sacrifice for you?", he nodded to Mr. Jones to stick his
wife.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with
the pencil.

"Yes, you're right Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Once more the minister noticed her
dozing off. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation while
signaling Mr. Jones.

"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was again stuck with the pencil.

"Right again, Mrs. Jones", said the minister, smiling and continuing
his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time, the
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he
made a motion that Mr. Jones mistook as the signal to jab his wife
with the pencil. Mr. Jones was just doing that when the minister
asked,

"What did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time
and I'll break it off and shove it up your arse!"


------------------

[Leicester Eagle]

>> A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is
>> foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a
>> close shave around the cheeks.
>>
>> "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
>> wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between
>> your cheek and gum."
>>
>> The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
>> proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
>> After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
>> "And what if I swallow it?"
>>
>> "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow
>> like everyone else does."


------------------

[Les Butler]

My brother Chris sent me this one.......

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist
in circumcision.
Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his career in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.
So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked
him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do,"
said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."
The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent
article the leathersmith had made for him.
But the leathersmith presented to him only a wallet.
"All those foreskins and you make for me only a wallet?"
exclaimed thesurgeon.
The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a
briefcase."

[Andy in Rome]

A woman decided (for the first time in her life) to take a visit to her local sex shop.

She was browsing round the shelves, but not being very experienced in these matters, was totally bewildered by the array of contraptions on display. So she asked the assistant behind the counter "Excuse me, but what ARE those things?"

The assistant explained to her that they were dildos and how they were used. The woman got interested... "And do they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes?"

The assistant pointed out some examples on the shelves... "Yes, madam they come in all shapes, sizes and colours".

"Right!" says the woman. "I'll buy the black one, the orange one, and that red one over there!"

"I can sell you the first two," says the assistant, "but I'll have to ask my boss if you can buy the fire extinguisher..."

[Egg Sample]

After the annual office party blow out, John woke up with a pounding
> headache,
> mouth like a cow's chuff, and utterly unable to recall the events of the
> preceding evening.
> After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where
> his
> wife put some coffee in front of him.
> "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I
> think?"
> "Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a
> complete
> arse of yourself, succeeded in antagonising the entire senior management,
> and
> insulted the Regional Director General to his face.
> "He's an Asshole. I should have pissed on him."
> "You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
> "Well, **** him," said John.
> "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
>
>

[Son Of A Window Dresser]

> > > Apparently while on her catwalk debut Posh Spice slipped over and
> > > flashed
> > > her knickers, a photographer present advised her that a few stray
> > > pubes
> > > were sticking out of the sides and, whilst not unpleasant, he
> > > suggested
> > > that perhaps she get her tw*t shaved
> > > .....the rest as they say is history!!!

[budgie]

>
> > There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up
> > sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only 3
> > survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years
> doing
> > what was natural for men and women.
> >
> > After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad
> > about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so
> > bad that she killed herself.
> >
> > It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after
> a
> > while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more
> > years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what
> > they where doing.
> >
> > So..............
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > They buried her.

[budgie]

Subject: FW: Jesus is watching...

> > A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
> > looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
> > sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is
> > watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
> > out and froze.
> >
> > When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the
> > light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled
> > the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
> > heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around
> > frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner
> > of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
> >
> > "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
> >
> > "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
> >
> > The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
> >
> > "Moses," replied the bird.
> >
> > "Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a
> > parrot Moses?"
> >
> > "Probably the same kind of people that would name their rottweiler
> > Jesus," the bird answered

[Dobbo]

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the ******* safe", he yells at the girl behind the counter".
But we're not a real bank", she replies, "we don't have any money; this is a sperm bank".
"Don't argue! open the ******* safe or I'll blow your head off !!"
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says
"Take out one of the bottles and drink it".
"But it's full of sperm !", she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too", he demands.
She takes out another one and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl's amazement, it's her husband.
"Not that ******* difficult, is it ?" he says.

http://cpfc-bbs.com/ubb/pukey.gif

[PeterH]

George Graham arrived in the Spurs dressing room for a spot check. As he reached the showers, he spied a huge turd nestling over in the corner.

Fuming, George returned to his players in the main changing area.

"Who's **** on the floor?!" he screamed.
"Me boss," cried Armstrong, "but I'm not too bad in the air though!"

[Sussex Eagle]

That's from the OMP before last PeterH, only you've substituted Duncan Ferguson with Chrissy Armstrong, and Bobbu Robson with GG.

[Dobbo]

A man is out drinking with his mates one night and suddenly realises he has stayed out too late and is in big trouble when he gets home.
"No problem", says his friend.
"Do what I do to my wife. Sneak into the bedroom, crawl up under the blanket between her legs and do a little oral sex. She'll forget all about being mad and fall fast asleep".
So the guy gets home to a dark, silent house. He creeps in as quietly as he can and tiptoes into his bedroom.
Following his friend's advice, he creeps under the blanket and does the deed to gentle moaning and, finally, soft snoring.
Quite pleased with himself, he heads to the bathroom to change his clothes, when he is startled by the sight of his wife sitting on the loo.
"Shhhhhhhhhh.....", she says. "Don't make a noise. Mother's staying".

http://cpfc-bbs.com/ubb/dead.gif http://cpfc-bbs.com/ubb/dead.gif http://cpfc-bbs.com/ubb/dead.gif

[Jonboy]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost
there!!"

[Dai the Swansea Eagle]

What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.

[Les Butler]

Sent to me by my big Brother Chris(Why dont you post Chris ?)


A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
>
> The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next
> week for the results. The following week the paper bag is extremely
> distressed to be told by his doctor that he is HIV positive.
> "But how can this be?" he cries, "I'm only a paper bag!"
> "Well have you had unprotected sex in the last year?" asks the doctor.
> "No, how can I?? he shouts "I'm only a paper bag!"
> "How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?"
> "I've said to you before" the paper bag sobs "how can I, I'm only a paper
> bag."
> "Ahhhh" says the doctor shaking his head sadly. "As I
suspected.............
>
> ...Your mother must have been a carrier."
--------------------------------------------

So thats why you dont post !

[James Varcoe]

A woman is shopping at her local supermarket. She selects a pint of milk, 6
eggs,a carton of juice and a pack of bacon. As she unloads her items at the
cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place
the
four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual
about
her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know."

He replies "Because you're f*****g ugly."

[Les Butler]

Naughty Fairy Tales # 1

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the
Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree, and holding a machete to
her throat, said, 'Red, I'm going to screw your brains out.' To that,
Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, 'No you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book'

Naughty Fairy Tales # 2

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
sandpaper wherever indicated, and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through
town and asked him, 'How's the girlfriend?' Pinocchio replied,
'Who needs a girlfriend?

Naughty Fairy Tales # 3

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind
him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
'Lie to me, Lie to me'

Naughty Fairy Tales # 4

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears
and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball but only on two conditions. First, you must wear a diaphragm.'
Cinderella agrees. 'What's the second?' 'You must be home by 2 a.m. any
later and your diaphragm will turn nto a pumpkin.' Cinderella agrees
to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella
doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking
love-struck
and **very** satisfied. 'Where have you been?' demands the fairy godmother.
'Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago' 'I met
a prince, Fairy Godmother', Cindarella said, 'And he took care of
everything.'
'I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name' 'I can't
remember,
exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other....'

Naughty Fairy Tales #5

Mickey Mouse and Mini Mouse were in divorce court and the Judge said to
Mickey, 'You say here that your wife is crazy.'
Mickey replied, 'No I didn't. I said she is ****in' Goofy.'

[Gooders]

Saw this one in MOTD magazine - it's quite good but mostly I like it because it was told by Sean Hughes after he was asked if he knew any football jokes...

David Beckham is sitting at home doing a jigsaw of a cockerel but he's not getting anywhere with it and he's getting frustrated so he rings Alex Ferguson and says "I don't think I'll be in for training today as I'm trying to do this jigsaw of a cockerel and I'm getting too annoyed and frustrated with it".

So Alex says, "tell you what, bring it round and I'll help you finish it".

So Becks turns up and Alex tells him to spread the pieces out on the kitchen table.

Fergie looks at him and says "they're cornflakes you ******* idiot!"

http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/biggrin.gif

[jrnicholson]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if
she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that
the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to
live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm
sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that
the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and
there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate
to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little
Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl,
who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying
and the mother exclaims, "Well thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was
going to bark.

[Vic Eagle]

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus tucked under his arm. Sits it down on a bar stool and announces that he owns the cleverest octopus in the world.

Five minutes later, as the laughter is dying down, he announces that he'll prove his octopus's intelligence, and challenges anybody in the pub to a bet - that if any of them manages to find a musical instument that the octopus can't play, he'll give them a hundred quid.

So the the first challenger comes up with a guitar and lays it down on the bar stool next to the octopus. Without a moment's hesitation, the octopus grabs the guitar, tunes it, and starts playing with this guitar just like Eric Clapton. The first challenger admits he is beaten.

Second up, a guy with a trumpet. Sure enough, the octopus picks up the trumpet and plays it just like Dizzy Gillespie. Everyone in the bar is now applauding the octopus's skill.

Then a scot walks forward with a set of bagpipes and says:

'OK laddie, get your octopus to play those'

The octopus picks up the bagpipes, fumbles with them for a bit, and then puts them down with a confused look.

'Ha,' says the scotsman 'can't you play it then?'

'Play it?' says the octopus 'I'm going to f**k it once I figure out how to get it's pyjamas off'

[ANDY FROM BR1]

A husband and wife have fallen upon very hard times, both are unemployed and there are bills to be paid.

After much soul searching the husband decides that the only way out of their predicament is for the wife to go on the game. Much persuasion later the wife agrees.

They get in the car and drive to a known red light area. The husband says " Get out, stand on that corner over there and someone should approach you."

After 10 minutes a big car with a smartly dressed business man pulled up " How much love."

"Hold on" she says and crosses over the road back to her husband "He wants to know how much."

"Tell him £40 for the works" the husband says.

She goes back over to the punter and tells him "its £40 for the works."

"But I've just left the office and I've only got £33" says the business man.

"Hold on" she says and crosses back over to her husband. "He says he's just left the office and only got £33 on him"

The husband thinks for a while.."Well tell him for that he can have a blow job, but make sure you get the money up front."

She goes back over to the business man and says" for £33 you can have a blow job, but I want the money up front"

The business man agrees, and so she jumps into the passenger seat. He unzips his flies and unleaches an absolute monster. She reeled back and took a sharp intake of breath and said "just hold on a minute"

She crosses back over to her husband and says "you couldn't lend me £7 could you?"

[This message has been edited by ANDY FROM BR1 (edited 08 May 2000).]

[Dobbo]

A rancher in Oz was out checking farm fences in his
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/embarass.gifour-wheel drive when
> he hit a pig. He >radioed the ranch for advice.
> >"The pig is stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/cool.gife's kicking and
> squealing so much I can't
> &gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/dead.gifet him free" he said
> >
> >"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 4x4 there's a
>.303. Put it up
> to the pig's head and shoot it. >When its body goes all limp
>you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush."
> >
> &gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/blue.gifbout 45 minutes later the rancher called in again: "I did
>what you
> said,boss, I shot the pig in the &gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/cool.gifead, it went all limp and
&gthttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/pukey.gif got it out of the bullbars, no problem but I still can't go on."
> >"Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
>
> >"Well it's his motorbike, the blue light is jammed under
>the wheel-arch."

[Leicester Eagle]

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The
policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about new law, promptly asked he
man, "before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day
you died." "No problem." said the man.
"Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair.
I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home
to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was
going to come home too, and catch them. Well, I got there and
busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half
naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But,
damn it, I couldn't find him!
Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto he
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by
his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!
Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes
that broke his fall, and he didn't die.
This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get
the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly
enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the
side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of
the moment was so great that right after that, I had a heart attack and
died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy
DID have a bad day and it WAS a crime of passion. So he announced, "Ok,
sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok, here's the rule.
Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure
thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I
got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily
however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony
directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes
running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my
fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the
way down which broke my fall. So I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in
excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all
things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
the
angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very
well", the angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and
lets the man enter.

A few seconds later a third man comes up to gate. "Tell me about the
day you died." said the angel. "Ok. Picture this," says the man.
"I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

[Leicester Eagle]

> A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound
> coming
> from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her >
daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
> "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
> The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents
> and
> this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
> Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming
> sound
> coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his
> daughter
> naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
> "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
> The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents
> and
> this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
> A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this
> time
> in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband in
> front
> of the television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
> "What are you doing?" she asked.
> He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
>

[James Verrinder]

How do you circumcise a Charlton fan?
Kick his sister in the chin

[Les Butler]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock
at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man,
clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous
truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when
the Chinese man start to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to
him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the
door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man
by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you
understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:




"You not Nissan Maindealer?"

[Les Butler]

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex ?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[Les Butler]

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind, and lightning. The passengers are
screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat.

As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

She eagerly exclaims, "YES!"

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

[Les Butler]

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?


Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

[Les Butler]

How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
Give her a used Tampon and ask her what
Period it's from!

[Les Butler]

How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start to stack up.

[Matty]

What does an old women have between her legs?

Her tits

[Les Butler]

:p

[Les Butler]

.