David Beckham jokes

[Strathclyde Eagle]

Probably done before, but why not do it again? I'll start...

David Beckham was speaking at a management conference and in response to a question said, "Well the great thing about them is they're only two calories and leave your mouth feeling fresh for an hour."
A voice from the back called out, "David, we wanted you to speak about tactics."

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Year 2000 Can't Play Charity Appeal
http://home.clara.net/tartan/cantplay/charity/index.htm

[GoringEagle]

David Beckham boards an aircraft and goes straight through into the First Class seats.

Stewardess comes along to him and tells him he is booked in Economy Class, but he refuses to move out of First.

The bloke sitting next to Becks whispers to the stewardess, "I'm a psychologist, and if you'll let me speak privately with Mr Beckham, I'm sure this can be sorted out". A minute later, DB stands up, gets his bag out of the rack and walks back into Economy.

The stewardess is amazed, and asks the psychologist how he had persuaded Beckham to go to leave.

"Oh", he says, "I just told him the First Class section isn't going to New York".

[sevsxp]

What's the similarity between Beckham and a Gucci watch?

They both come in a posh box?

[SmithEagle]

Posh walks in the living room one day back from a shopping spree.
She goes over to David gives him a bag and says, heres a gift.
David opens the bag and it is a new Manchester United scarf to add to his collection.
"Thanks Vic" David says.
Posh walks into the kitchen and about 2 minutes later hears David scream "AGGGH S**T!
Posh runs in and says "Whats wrong David"

David goes, its this blooming scarf, its too tight!

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Webmaster to many sites
Recent award "Observer site of the month May 2000"

[SmithEagle]

David Beckham walks into a bar..

OUCH!! It was an iron bar

(ill get me coat)

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SE Webdesigns
Webmaster to many sites
Recent award "Observer site of the month May 2000"

[Dai the Swansea Eagle]

You can hit Beckham (or his missus) in a game called "Pie Attack". Nice stress reliever. http://www.funplanet.co.uk/gameframe.uk.html

[Andy in Rome]

Mrs. Beckham has a minor incident parking her car one day, and puts a lovely dent in both doors. Not wanting to upset her David, she quietly takes the car to a local repair shop.

The owner is a Man City fan. He recognises her straight away and decides to have a bit of fun with the thick bint. He tells her that it isn't necessary to have the car repaired as the dents are only small.

"When you get the car home, go round the back of it, and blow as hard as you can into the exhaust pipe - the dents will pop back out..."

So young Victoria goes home and does as the garage man suggests. While she's on the floor at the back of the car, puffing into the exhaust til her face goes blue, the man of the house gets back from training.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

His wife explains what she was told at the garage, but expresses some concern that she's been blowing in the exhaust for over 20 minutes now and nothing's happened.

"You stupid tart: of course that won't work" says Beckham...

".... you've left the windows open..."

[CPFC Cheerleader Observer]

(From HateManutd.com) :


NOT THE DIARY, SECRET OR OTHERWISE OF POSH SPOUSE, AGED TWENTY-FIVE AND A BIT.

Seeing as you're is my diary, I'm going to tell you the real reason behind everything that happened in the Portugal game. For the first 20 minutes I was playing wicked and I set up two nice goals. Some of the crowd was singing brilliantly, and there was one really awful voice from the goalpost, no I mean behind the goalpost. Anyway. But then as I went over to take a corner, I spotted my beautiful Posh sitting in the crowd. She had made it after all. The recording sessions for the solo album that she was meant to be recording had mysteriously been cancelled, she said, so she had come out to Holland to tell me what to do. She said she wants me to take Brooklyn to Alton Towers on Saturday and I told her I couldn't because it was the day of the Germany game. She said: 'Well why not just get England knocked out, like you did last time? Then you can go to Alton Towers.' I thought that sounded a brilliant idea, so I told Scholesy and the Nevilles that we had to start trying to lose the game. The Nevilles pointed out that they'd already started, but Scholesy joined me in playing crap for the last 70 minutes. We ended up losing 3-2. Wicked. I went over to the boss at the end and tried to look all sad. 'We're out, I can't believe it,' I said. But he pointed out that we weren't out because it's not at the knock-out stage yet. I was gutted and told Gary Neville, who said: 'Well, why don't you just get yourself suspended for Saturday, then?' Because the game was over, there were no opponents to kick. So I went over to the England fans and stuck my finger up at them, in the full view of the cameras. I could see Posh beaming at me with delight. But then when I got the papers read to me this morning, they said the FA weren't going to ban me. Looks like I'll have to get a fake injury instead. It worked for Andy Cole without him even realising. There were loads of pictures of me in it showing a finger. This wasn't the number of brain cells I have but me making a statement to the world via the media.....

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Wanting to be at Selhurst next Season....

[trufan]

POSH and Becks fly in from New York and jump in the back of a taxi at the airport. Making conversation, the cabbie asks: "Been to the Big Apple Mr Beckham? What did you do with your time there?" Becks replies nonchalantly: "Oh, we saw the sights, did loads of shopping, and went to a really brilliant restaurant." The cabbie says: "Really? I've been to New York meself. Which restaurant was it you went to?" Becks thinks for a full minute, scratches his empty head, then says: "Sorry, mate. I can't remember the name . . . give me the name of a big London station." The cabbie, eager to help, ventures: "Er, Waterloo?" "No," says Becks, "that ain't it, try again." "Er, Paddington?" says the cabbie. "St Pancras?" "Nah, that's not it," says Beckham. "Cannon St?" tries the cabbie, by now getting desperate. "Victoria??" "That's it!" shouts Becks triumphantly, "Victoria, what was the name of that brilliant restaurant we went to?"

[Psychokiller]

> > > > > Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.
> > > > > 'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance
> > > > > the last few games.
> > > > > You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
> > > > >
> > > > > 'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself
> > > > > lately. I've got a few
> > > > > problems at home.'
> > > > >
> > > > > 'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's
> > > > > up? Victoria and
> > > > > Brooklyn okay?'
> > > > >
> > > > > 'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that
> > > > > something's really bugging
> > > > > me
> > > > > and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't
> > > > > concentrate on my football
> > > > > and
> > > > > it's really messing me up.'
> > > > >
> > > > > 'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Fergie.
> > > > > 'Well, boss', says David, 'it's pretty serious. You
> > > > > see I'm really stuck
> > > > > on
> > > > > this jigsaw and...'
> > > > >
> > > > > 'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're ******* up every
> > > > > time you play because
> > > > > of a bloody jigsaw?!!!'
> > > > >
> > > > > 'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really
> > > > > doing my head in!' says
> > > > > David in that horrible whining voice. 'It's really
> > > > > hard and it's this
> > > > > picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the
> > > > > box and I'm sure I've
> > > > > got
> > > > > all the bits and everything but I just can't get it
> > > > > right and it's doing
> > > > > my
> > > > > head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my
> > > > > brain down and...'
> > > > >
> > > > > 'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You've got to
> > > > > get a grip. It's
> > > > > affecting our games and nothing is as important as
> > > > > Manchester United's
> > > > > success, other than Roy Keane's wages, obviously.'
> > > > >
> > > > > 'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a
> > > > > tiger and it looks
> > > > > really good on the box and I really want to finish it
> > > > > but it's really hard
> > > > > and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and
> > > > > it's a tiger and it's
> > > > > hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's
> > > > > really hard, er, boss
> > > > > and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the
> > > > > box...er...boss.'
> > > > >
> > > > > Ferguson waits until even Beckham realises he's
> > > > > repeating himself and has
> > > > > got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than
> > > > > usual. 'David,' he
> > > > > says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he
> > > > > uses for
> > > > > self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the
> > > > > tiger jigsaw in and
let's have a look at it. For Christ's sake, we've got
to get you back to
playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really
helpful 'cos it's really
hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my
head in, that tiger
is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office.
'Here it is, boss.' he
says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box. 'Look,
boss, it's this
tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and...'
'Will you just shut the **** up, and empty the pieces over my
desk',
says
Ferguson.
Beckham then empties all the pieces from the
box all over
Ferguson's desk.

Ferguson looks at what's on his desk and the faint
dusty cloud now hanging
over it.
He looks up at David Beckham. 'David', he says, 'put
the ******* Frosties
back in the box.'

[Les Butler]

Always a laugh...

The reson I am putting all these threads back is to bring a bit of balance back to this forum....

[Teaser]

What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh Spice?

Posh spice doesn't kickback when taken from behind.

[Teaser]

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.
The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless ******...."

[Teaser]

:p

[Les Butler]

bump