Best Man Speech - merged threads

[TAK]

This weekend I am best man at a very large and formal wedding. The brides family are rock cakes and her father is very, very formal.

I have promised not to drink until the speeches are over since I am doing the toasts and the big speech. I am not the greatest of public speakers, so with having to face the whole thing sober I am bricking myself.

Have you had to do anything thing like this in the past or can you offer any advice?

[Mat ov CPFC]

I tend to find that jokes about the Pope go down well at Catholic weddings. And any mention of birth control is guaranteed to bring the house down. http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/smile.gif

[Son of Selhurst]

Mentioning how well they did to organize such a large wedding within 9 months is always a sure-fire crowd pleaser in such circles.

SoS

[Men At Work]

I've had to do the roles of father of the bride (when I was 23!) and MC. For the first one I was extremely nervous since I only knew 6 other people in the room and the groom's side of the family was fairly religious. That cut out 90% of my speech straight away. The second one was easier because it was in front of a lot of people I knew and I had half a bottle of wine inside me. In leiu of these methods of support I suggest the ones I used from my first time :

1. Prepare the speech now. Write it down then edit it. Speak it out loud a few times. Read it to a mate and get some feedback. Do not try to completely wing it in this situation.

2. Print the speech out using big letters. Make sure you take it with you.

3. Try to stand behind something if possible. If you are really nervous it will hide your shaking legs http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/smile.gif

4. Don't use forced jokes. Keep to a light mocking of the groom's foibles. If you want to push the humour closer to the edge make sure you are the butt of the joke (self-deprecation). The family thinks a lot higher of you then.

5. Never, ever, ever mention the groom being in previous relationships or having sex.

6. That goes even more for the bride.

7. Mention bits about how the groom is such a changed man since he met [insert name]. That always goes down well.

8. Remember to compliment everyone. Find out who made the cake/dresses etc. Write their names on your piece of paper (see point 2) so you can remember them.

9. Have fun. If you get a laugh early on it becomes a lot easier and enjoyable.

10. Finish. Sit down. Get trashed.


[This message has been edited by Men At Work (edited 25 July 2000).]

[hong_kong_hg]

Excellent advice MAW.

TAK make sure it goes well AND that you mail me some advise because I'm doing exactly the same thing the weekend after (5/8).

Yours also bricking...

[Pistike]

Not surprisingly I only ever got asked to do this once.
A certain James Varcoe of bbs fame on his first attempt.
W****r went and agreed to get married in Ruislip on a Saturday afternoon when we were away at Vicarage Road, all of 5-6 miles away.
Never really forgave him.
My advice is to write it all down using a big felt tip on large peices of cardboard. Alternatively get an egg timer and just talk b******s like you usually do for about 3 minutes.

[James]

I do a fair bit of public speaking, and the one bit of advice I would give you is to make sure that you DON'T write it all down! If you simply read out from a prepared text, you will sound wooden and quickly lose everyone attention.

What you need to do is to get a pack of blank postcards from WH Smiths, and write in big bold letters KEY WORDS to prompt you through the speech, which you must learn. Number the cards, so that you don't get them mixed up. You can also write down the names of the people you must thank.

Start with a fairly risqué joke, but as others have said, do not say anything which might embarrass the Bride or Groom (or more importantly their parents). If you can start with a good laugh, it certainly will help.

If you are heckled (assuming you are inside) a line which works quite well is 'I see the walls aren't the only things that are plastered in here'.

Keep it fairly short, and don't worry about it. You will remember the occasion far more keenly than anyone else.

[Dai the Swansea Eagle]

Mention about how the bride and groom have had their ups and downs and that the groom is hoping for a few more tonight....

Not funny, but raises a laugh from people who think you are about to predict a divorce within 12 months....

[James]

Another thing - talk to those at the back of the room (without focussing on anyone in particular). It will help you keep your head up and project your voice.

[Regal Eagle]

James is right. Keep postcard notes . I do a lot of public speaking and have been a best man 3 times, father of the bride twice and even bridegroom twice.
Speak to the bridegroom if you can trust him and find out what cannot be mentioned..an Irish joke could affend great uncle Murphy! Also ask others..When best man I asked the brides father who was good enough to give me a few pointers. In your case dont make any jokes if you are not confident other than a non risque tale of you and the bridegroom. An old joke is the "Isle, alter,hymn" one..not funny but safe. Its best in your circumstances to make a short speech and sit down quickly. Better for people to be comfortable with what you say than tut-tutting all night with you in abject embarrassment at the bar.

[Regal Eagle]

Another point. Reherse your opening well. When you make a good start your confidence carries you forward.
Make sure you say how beautiful all the women look and FOR GODS SAKE INCLUDE THE TWO MOTHERS even if they look dreadful.

[Chocky]

The best wedding I ever went to was recently in Ireland. After the service, everyone went to the reception hotel and got sloshed for 2 hours or so. By the time it came to the formalities, everyone was pissed, and the speeches were hilairious - the rehearsed speeches seemed to go out the window, and everything was relaxed and just superb. And the groom's dad, the groom and one of the best men are top Palace chappies innit! (The fact we'd just thrown away a 2 goal lead at Walsall didn't mess anything up!)

Just relax TAK!

[Skid Row]

Good luck Tak. I remember when I was best man at amazingly my best mates wedding and I had pretty much started preparing the speech before he had even asked me. After he did pop me the big question I wrote it all out and recorded it and then listened to it. I played it to a few other mates who laughed a bit so was confident it would go down alright.

But been rather shy I was absoultely ****ting myself before hand. Lucky for me I had 3 UDL cans (Vodka & Passionfruit) on the way from the church to the reception and then more than 3/4's of a bottle of Vodka before my speech. Didnt help with the nerves but the speech did go down a treat. And I had everything written down and read it word for word so James' advice for you not to do it is, I think, wrong. Just do what you feel comfortable with.

A mate also told me that after you mention how pretty the bride and bridesmaids look and your just about to get into the speech you say "But I'm here to talk about 'whoever' and this is where the fun begins". Never fails to get a chuckle.

Once again good luck.

[Dai the Swansea Eagle]

At a mates wedding half the audience used the speeches as an excuse to make cringeworthy praises of my mates father in law, make up poems and bang on abut how lucky they were to come from a small street in a Swansea backwater as it prepared them for life and made them a success (????!!!!). It was awful. By the time the best man, my mates brother, got up to make his speech everyone not connected with the brides family was thoroughly hacked off. He stood up, flung his prepared speech away and said 2 sentences

"I'm sure you'll all agree my brother looks very smart today - that is because like everyhing else she told him what he had to wear. The bar is open".

Highly amusing - they are still married but two families no longer speak to each other.

[jrnicholson]

This should help break the ice:

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely
tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly,
non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging
them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice
and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the
farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her
demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman
would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say
something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer,
however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behaviour, the pastor later asked the farmer
what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a
terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men
would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and
say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

[paf]

Get someone else to do the speech whilst you shag a bridesmaid !!!

[Al From Bromley]

Here's your speech:-

"Someone once told me that the essence of a good speech was that it should never last longer than your sexual performance. So, thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, the toast is, the bridesmaids"

(About 12 seconds)

[TAK]

Thanks Al

[Al From Bromley]

A pleasure Tariq.

Or you could always roll out the old line about how the groom assured you that he wore the trousers in the relationship - and after all, he should know, cos he washes and irons them too! (boom, boom, drum roll followed by cymbal crash)

Marriage isnt a word, its a sentence?

James is right. Key words on a card are good.

So get a black felt tip and write:- SEXUAL PERFORMANCE * 12 SECONDS * TROUSERS JOKE * SENTENCE GAG down on 4 bits of card. Sorted!

[Pistike]

My word but your on good form Al from B.

[topper]

The one piece of advice I was given prior to being bestman was that you are not to be worried as everyone there is on your side. They have all (by speechtime) already had a top day and will be just looking for a few laffs to set up the evening.

few points to remember;

1. definately stay sober, one glass of bubbly to give ya courage maybe but not sneaking off to the lav every 10 mins with a bottle of JB.

2. stay calmish....well alright you can shake a little, if you make a mistake stuff it.

3. (already posted previously) Def Print off bullet points in LARGE font size.

4. Make eye contact with many people when giving speech.

5. SMILE ! Have a top time.

Good luck

[Baloo]

Take a look for some wedding jokes and speech tips at: http://www.hitched.co.uk

When I recently got married, the longest laugh during my best man's speech followed his mention of my Showaddywaddy records - b@stard.

It also went down very well when he went serious and toasted "absent friends", specifically mentioning "grandparents, who would be so proud to see this day" - that'll touch a chord with everyone and suddenly you're very respectable.

So long as you don't immediately follow it with the joke about the pope and the penguins...

[TAK]

Well I just did it!!!

Heart attack time, went down OK, infact better than OK. Thanks for thw serious advice it did help.

Al from B you can F off, http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/wink.gif


[This message has been edited by TAK (edited 31 July 2000).]

[Al From Bromley]

What did I do?What did I say? More importantly what DID you do? Waht did YOU say?

From the sounds of it you used one of my quotes and it bombed - or do you just hate me? http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/smile.gif

[ammiller]

Did you use James "Tarby" Mitchell's gem about "I see it's not only the walls that are plastered"?

James,

How's Lynchy?

[Raf]

Have to do one of these in the far-too-near future (a week this Satuday). Unfortunately, I still haven't written it...
Obviously, I've got a few stories about the lucky fella, but was just wondering if any of you good people have any useful tips...

[Men At Work]

Try http://www.cpfc.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=5728

[Raf]

Top stuff - cheers mate.

[bennytheat]

whoops -didnt mean to post sorry - just get my coat.....

[Insider]

Yup on the 7th of August I'm the best man at my mates wedding. Ive carried out plenty of presentations to large audiences in my working life, but this is different.

Has anyone else on the BBS had to fill these boots? If so has can anyone recommend any books/websites for getting the tone of the speech just right!

I have plenty of dirt on him (some not repeatable).

I must admit i'm quite nervous about this one!!!

[ReadingPalace]

No advice, I'm afraid, but I'd like to wish you all the best, just the same.

Why not dish the dirt on here, anyway? We'll tell you whether it's suitable material or not!

[Nork1]

http://www.thebestmanspeech.com/

[Nork1]

http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/examples/index.asp

[Nork1]

I just wish the internet was agound when I had to do a speech... mine was CRAP!

[Fatman]

I quite like ________...she's better than the other dogs he used to go out with

[Ollie Ox]

A good idea from a speech i saw recently, the best man had 3 speeches, the good, the bad and the ugly and the crowd had to shout out for the one they wanted (the ugly one of course). All three envelopes were probably the same speech but the crowd loved it and it really broke the ice.

[anti-addick]

As groom I used mine as a personal chance to see if I could do any stand up comedy ;) Anyway, my brother was my best man and long before I gave him personal permission to rip the piss out of me for as long as he wanted to. That he did.........................:o

[magician]

my brother did a good one at mine , just hope he's not expecting me to do the same at his on aug 27th !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
can't do it anyway i've got to concentrate on my dj-ing , i'm rocking his reception !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hope his wifes parents like the smiths and carter usm !

[PalaceMonkey]

I'm doing a best man speech in September,
the bride has said I can't mention her tits (cos she flashes them when she's drunk) or drugs (cos she smokes pot)


Oops, just remembered that two of the groom's good chums are palace fans so will remove what I just said about the bride :o

[Daveyboyross]

I'm getting married next year. My best man has promised not to mention the fact that when I first met my missus she was a ten to 2 bird.

I'm already dreading it.....

[PalaceMonkey]

Originally posted by Daveyboyross
I'm getting married next year. My best man has promised not to mention the fact that when I first met my missus she was a ten to 2 bird.

I'm already dreading it.....

what's a ten to 2 bird?
am i being naive again? :angel: :angel:

[Daveyboyross]

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
what's a ten to 2 bird?
am i being naive again? :angel: :angel:
Your at a club - it's 1.50am. All the good birds are gone....

[simon]

Originally posted by Daveyboyross
Your at a club - it's 1.50am. All the good birds are gone....

Ahh. I thought it referred to the favoured position of a girl's legs!

[Ollie Ox]

I've got one coming up in August, the trouble is every story will begin with the words ' we were really caned and.....' i'm desperatley searching for a way to take the stoner content out of it but that was pretty much all we used to do!!

[Daveyboyross]

My dad told me how his best man did a funny little bit at the end of his speech.

He asked my mum to put her hand flat on the table, then got my dad to put his hand on top of hers. 'Enjoying that Alan?" he said.
"Make the most of it - it's the last time you'll have the upper hand."

[Dai the Swansea Eagle]

If you can get away with it try building up about how crap the grooms cooking skills are,burns baked beans, spent bachelor days on takeaways etc etc... or so I thought.... I overheard bride telling my missus how much she enjoys groom's pork in cider. Cue sharp intake of breath and you are guaranteed you won't have to talk to the groom's mother in law ever again.

[grey ghost]

was best man once(never again) agonised over the speech for ages , wakinhg up middle of night sweating as day got closer. finished night before big day and foolishly gave groom sneak preview . he didnt write a speech and i thought i was going to be speaking 1st(guess u must check out the etiquette).
u can guess what happened , he spoke 1st and adlibbed nicking any good lines and jokes that werent too obviously mine.
i sat at the head table feeling more and more sick to the stomach, with him turning , grinning and winking at various points .
to top it all with hardly any material left after struggling thru for 5 mins , i was building up to my final story hoping to finish on a high note , when one of our mtual friends ( drunk allready ) stood up n shouted out the final "punchline ".
so no real advice im afraid , apart from have a couple of bravery drinks before hand but not too many . audience generally appreciate how hard it is and wont expect too much .
good luck .

[Men At Work]

Have a look at http://forums.cpfc.org/showthread.php?s=&threadid=21742 as well.

At a wedding I was at a year ago the best men (the groom couldn't decide so chose both) set up a projector and did a Powerpoint presentation complete with photos. Absolutely hysterical.

[grey ghost]

yeah hve heard of projector and showing photos . wish i had thought of it , great idea . makes easier for wittty captions , and takes yourself off centerstage at least foer a bit .

[Payney]

I did one last year hardly slept the night before,here's some pointers...

Practice reading the speech out loud to friends before hand as much as you can.

Make sure the audience at the reception has plenty of booze flowing before the speeches start,half cut people laugh at almost anything.

Make sure you have a good opening line to grab the audiences attention,mine worked well and was something along the lines of....

Good afternoon.....I Have received some advice from a very wise man regarding the deliver of a best mans speech,his advice was that the best mans speech should be equal in length to the grooms wedding tackle(he was known for having a tiddler). But as a favour to the bride I have made mine slightly longer.....(then sat down pretending to finish).

Good luck...

[Aki Aki Aki]

I've done two now. If it is your own familly try not to make it too spicy otherwise mum will never forgive you :sob:. However, have a large double prior to the speach and you'll forget all about the nerves :p.

[stevey_d]

Ok, so my older brother is getting married on 9th April and i am his best man. I have known this for about 8 months but so far have planned feck all for my speech and now Im getting a bit worried.

I know people say that everyone will laugh at whatever you say no matter what, and that it isn't that nerveracking etc.... but a bit of help on what to say would be very handy.

Mark (thats my brother) is 22 and has been engaged to Hazel (thats his fiance) who is 22 as well, for about a year, having gone out with her for about 6 months prior to that. 'All a big rush, Bit sudden' blah blah blah, Ive heard it all before so no need for a :eek: smiley!! They are truly happy together and that is all that matters.

Anyway, anybody that has been best man before any advice for the speech would be much appreciated.

Thanks in advance :p

stevey_d

[tonkers]

By the time the best man speech is done everyone will be pissed up, so just start off with something funny and see what happens

[Great Lombardi]

Did my best man's speech two weeks ago. Try a few old tried and tested gags from Bestmanspeech.com or something like that, and combine them with a few in-jokes that family and friends will know. Don't go on too long, but don't be too short.

Remember everyone WANTS to laugh at your speech, so don't worry too much. They aren't expecting Gervais.

[Blue Spice]

DON'T tell jokes that only a select few will understand, especially if you do so for half an hour! (Sat through one of these last year!)

My brother's best man at his first wedding made a great speech and when my hubby had to be best man last year, he did the same thing. Went down really well both times:

Take a blank notepad and hold it open at the first page. Start speech "When I was asked to be Best man, I looked up the etiquette for this so I wouldn't break any rules and upset anyone.
Rule 1: Don't tell any embarrassing tales about the Bride (rip out several pages of book, screw them up, throw over shoulder)
Rule 2: Don't tell any embarrassing tales about the Groom (rip out several pages, etc)
Rule 3: Don't mention any ex-girlfriends of the Groom's (rip out, etc)"

And so on with whatever rules you want. You end up with one page left.

"So that's that then, no speech, Ladies and Gentlemen, so I'll simply propose a toast....."

[eagle mart]

"I was going to read out a few of their cards they've recieved from family & friends, but I better not as they won't have anything to do later on in the hotel room tonight"

[Men At Work]

Stick "wedding speech" into the search box (top right of this page) and you'll get a few relevant threads from years past.

[Essexeagle]

"This is the second time today I've risen from a warm seat with some paper in my hand"

[st albans]

thats funny

[kestoneagle]

I did a BMS last month in New Zealand and agree with the Great Lombardi above. Copy some old classics and throw in a few relevant stories/jokes about the groom. If you PM me I can e-mail you my speech.

[Martian]

I was best man when I was 10 so I guess my jokes won't be all that worthwhile.

[Men At Work]

From my two occasions (father of the bride and MC) my suggestions are :

1) Start planning it now. Work out roughly what points you want to cover.
2) Keep reviewing it every couple of days. You'll think of different things you want to add and you'll build up the flow of it.
3) Write the main points on a card. You will want to learn the speech and use the card as a guide. Don't write it all out as it sounds stilted.
4) Don't mention, suggest or even imply that the groom has had sex with the bride or any other woman/man/animal ever before.
5) That goes double for the bride.
6) Really, really take note of point five.
7) Do what feels comfortable for you. If you don't usually throw out one-liners don't try now.
8) The crowd love humourous stories concerning the bride and groom as long as they have a sentimental core. Ones about them acting stupidly soppy about each other go down a treat.
9) If you're not used to public speaking imagine the audience is naked. It can work (but I'd avoid looking at aunt Bertha during that time).
10) Don't drink too much before the speech. Plenty of time afterwards.
11) Have fun. It's going to be one of the few times in your life where a room full of people are going to be hanging onto every word you say. And remember that they all want you to do well.

[Gatecrasher]

I was expecting my best man's speech to be a disaster but it went surprisingly well. As long as your jokes are even halfway amusing, they will laugh.

You MUST prepare properly though. Write it down in full and rehearse it. Don't just write bullet points. Know it well enough so that you don't need to read from it - but have it there anyway. Don't go on too long (not that you will want to!). The gist of my speech was to make a serious of light hearted jokes about the groom. Maybe you could do that.

[Thin on Top]

Open with the line........

"I think everyone can understand that this isn't the first time today that I've got up from a warm seat, with a piece of paper in my hands"

They'll be putty in your hands after that

:p

[Nork1]

http://www.hitched.co.uk/KeyPeeps/BestMan/toolkit.asp

[Falco]

My advice is largely to avoid trying to fit in pre-written jokes you have found on the internet. Concentrate on making the speech fluent and structured. If you make it a gentle jaunt going through the groom's life and highlighting the funny moments (feel free to exaggerate), the jokes and the laughter will follow. It is probably a good idea to meet up with other blokes who know him best (e.g. a workmate, a school friend etc) beforehand, going through each stage of his life and thinking about the funny things he has done.

[Croydon Exile]

Falco makes a good point - I'd plan out what message you want to convey first - don't worry about it being funny. Once you've sorted that out (and it does only need to be a few minutes) then you can go on to sticking the jokes in.

That way, even if the jokes aren't very good, you'll have said something worthwhile and have done your job :)

As for the structure, its your way of introducing the groom to the bride's family who might not have met him before. That's why the sex thing is BAD.

You can do a bit of schtick about the bride as well if you know her well for the groom's family, but you're his dude.

[pjenns]

Your opening line should be.

"Hi everyone, you know normally i am a happy go lucky guy and that i'm always up for a laugh, but I have just had some bad news before this great day"

"I lost my nan last night"

(Then pace around the stage and say nothing for 20-30 secs to build the tension.....)

Then burst out..."what a fu//ing game of cards that was"

Everyone will be in tears

[Great Lombardi]

Then burst out..."what a fu//ing game of cards that was"


genius:lux: :lux: :lux:

[Shipp Ahoy!]

Take a hint from the Simpsons:

"If I could just say a few words...I'd be a better public speaker!"

:clown:

[Jasper]

Originally posted by pjenns
Your opening line should be.

"Hi everyone, you know normally i am a happy go lucky guy and that i'm always up for a laugh, but I have just had some bad news before this great day"

"I lost my nan last night"

(Then pace around the stage and say nothing for 20-30 secs to build the tension.....)

Then burst out..."what a fu//ing game of cards that was"

Everyone will be in tears



That's the most distasteful joke I have ever heard. Shame on you Sir.

























:p Excellent - Perhaps one to use at a job interview aswell.

[aki is god]

open with "mark's been like a brother to me..."

[pmdavis]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!

I am writing a speech at the moment for my mate, who is getting married on Saturday....frig me it is difficult. I am a teacher and I rarely get nervous speaking in front of people, but it is so hard trying to convince myself that it will be a success!!! What is people arent amused? What if i upset the parents? What if I upset the bride? what if I get too pissed (because I am a light weight)?!?!?!?!

Oh sod it, who will care. If I am more pissed than the guests...I won't, If they are more pissed than me...they won't!!
;)

[GreatGonzo]

Well you could got for the tried and tested routine.

Start off and quickly get round to saying, 'Take my wife/gf, actually i wish someone would.....'always gets a giggle.

Then follow up with, 'Marriage is an institution, i have known < the bride> for <how long you have known her> and from the day i met her i believed she should live in an institution!'

There ya go - that should get you started!

[joyce the voice]

Most nerve-wracking thing I've ever done--and I'm also a teacher. My speech was shaking in my hand as I spoke. The feeling when you've finished, however, is just fantastic--boy did I enjoy that night! The main thing to remember is that everyone is on your side--they want to laugh--and DON'T go too mad with the piss-taking!

[Skid Row]

I've got my second best man speech coming up in November. Now I dont talk at the best of times so I dont like these at all. The first was kind of easy as I had some quality material on him but this one I'm struggling to find some funny things to talk about.

I'm quiet disturbed.

Atleast I'm not waiting until a week before the event before thinking about it.

[pmdavis]

I was looking at the websites and found that somebpdy had been to a wedding where the best mans speech rhymed, so I thought I would have go and it seems to be working surprisingly well. You are right...I have left it a bit to the last minute, skid row, but that is me. I was writing my speech for my own wedding on the day!

[Strathclyde Eagle]

I've got one chance to be a best man, and my best mate is more than happy to enjoy the single life. The rest of my friends all have brothers they're close to. Trust me, some of us would love to be such a predicament.

[Lizzy]

Originally posted by Strathclyde Eagle
I've got one chance to be a best man, and my best mate is more than happy to enjoy the single life. The rest of my friends all have brothers they're close to. Trust me, some of us would love to be such a predicament.

on a similar but related theme - I was a bridesmaid a good few times and it would appear that the "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" thing is coming true!!

but being a bridesmaid is rubbish - you have to wear a daft frock and spend all day having your photo taken - i'd rather go to a wedding wearing something nice i had chosen to wear and get drunk all day!!

[pmdavis]

for any off you croydonites the legendary hollywood boulevard gets a mention!

[Croydon Exile]

Originally posted by pmdavis
for any off you croydonites the legendary hollywood boulevard gets a mention!

If the Blue Orchid or any other such nightspot were to be mentioned at my wedding, I would be forced to reconsider my place in the world :)

[Jim Cannon]

A good one is to collate a series of quotes from the groom. Things he has said about all manner of subjects - speak to all of his mates for help. Most people will be bladdered anyway and will laugh even if you aren't funny!!!!

[Oddjob]

2 cracking lines I have heard at weddings and intend to use when my bro gets married:

1. Today is actually quite ironic, because on this day 27 years ago (or however old the bride is) David and Janice (brides parents) were sending Dawn to bed with a dummy, and tonight they will be doing the same.

2, I think we would all agree that the service was marvellous today, though I did feel they were a bit slow with dessert - obviously not directed at the groom, but still funny

[Johnson]

I have got to make a best man speech tomorrow. As my Dad is getting re-married. Very nervous, just hopes it goes okay.

[Palacebird83]

Go to ask or google type in Best Man speech's and they have loads of websites.......... I know this, as one of the guys i PA for ask me to do it for him as he had to make a speech.

[Micky Droy]

Originally posted by Palacebird21
Go to ask or google type in Best Man speech's and they have loads of websites.......... I know this, as one of the guys i PA for ask me to do it for him as he had to make a speech.

He sounds like a w@nker!

I bet he needs someone to research tying his shoelaces in the morning.

[AddiscombeEagle]

Originally posted by pmdavis
for any off you croydonites the legendary hollywood boulevard gets a mention!

Did it involve contact lenses?:D

[Palacebird83]

Originally posted by Micky Droy
He sounds like a w@nker!

I bet he needs someone to research tying his shoelaces in the morning.

Thats what a PA does, i do near enough everything for him, including getting his Lunch!

[bern5161]

But seriously, I think <bride's name> has made an excellent choice for her first husband.

[rambo]

The key is to get them laughing at the start. Lots of GENTLE jokes are fine if you then lay it on thick about what a great guy he is, in the 2nd half.

Good luck!

[Micky Droy]

Originally posted by Palacebird21
Thats what a PA does, i do near enough everything for him, including getting his Lunch!

No way!

So the office junior gets your lunch, you gets the w@nker's lunch, whose lunch does he get?

[GreatGonzo]

Originally posted by Palacebird21
Thats what a PA does, i do near everything for him, including getting his Lunch!

So is it true what they say about PA's then? ;)

[Micky Droy]

Originally posted by GreatGonzo
So is it true what they say about PA's then? ;)

Listen Gonzo, you and me needs a word.

Whenever I try to do some medium game flirting of a VERY gentle, playful, innocent nature, you come in over the top with some brazen - and might I add plain rude - short game flirting. I'm fed up with it and have reported you to all the moderators, and the police, and your mum.

MD

[Palacebird83]

No, its not true what people say about PA's. Even if it is, i wouldnt tell any of you lot :p

[PalaceMonkey]

Originally posted by Micky Droy
Listen Gonzo, you and me needs a word.

Whenever I try to do some medium game flirting of a VERY gentle, playful, innocent nature, you come in over the top with some brazen - and might I add plain rude - short game flirting. I'm fed up with it and have reported you to all the moderators, and the police, and your mum.

MD

hmm the outraged, jealous flirt manoeveur, I didn't realise you'd moved to such gambits.

I hope it all works out for you :p

[Jack Regan]

You’ll be at the top table (probably on a stage).

(This works best if you pretend you’re a northern comedian and put on an accent)

Look down to the nearest bloke to the stage and say

“Are you in show business mate”

He’ll reply “No?”

You say

“Well get your f*cking foot off the stage then”

Your audience will be in stitches now, so hit them with

“Is it warm in here or is it me?”

Wait a few seconds….then

“F*cking hell, look at the state of me, I’m sweating like a paedophile blowing up a bouncie castle”

Let the laughter die down.....

"Any Scousers in tonight?"

(you'll get a few shouts, reply with...)

"Well go home and pay your f*cking rent"




This type of intro has worked well for me in the past when I’ve had to do Best Man speeches.

Good luck.

[SexualChocolate]

Hello All,

My best mate has asked me to be best man at his wedding in July and i'm struggling with the sppech. I'm hoping you lot on 'the good ship' can help me out. The problem i have is, everything i can say about him is not suitable for his or his missus's parents to hear, i.e. "The first time i met Max was when he was going to a rave 8 years ago and wanted to find out the best way to smuggle his pills in without getting busted by the rozzers" wont really go down too well!! So, any novel ideas would be much appreciated!

Also, ideas for stag do's would be good. We don't want to go abroad, and strip clubs are a no-no (cos i'm too arrogant about myself to pay some tramp to dance for me, when my missus is much better looking than any of them!).

Your kind advices are awaited!

:p

[A.D.]

Loads of best man speeches here (http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/examples/showall.asp?type=1)

This should give you some ideas of what(or what not) to do...

[Mat ov CPFC]

I loathe the whole Best Man Speech sort of thing. They are always so boring and you can spot the bits that somebody got out of a book.

As for the Stag do then why not be really original and just go down the Pub on the night before the wedding and get drunk ?

[Neil the Eagle]

My advice is don't bother writing it until a couple of days before the wedding and just keep an eye out for frantic pre-wedding nerves and exaggerate them a bit.

As for the stag night, go chill in the sun for a weekend.

[Eagle Of Cray]

Originally posted by zoom
Be witty

This is the difficult bit for SC.

[Pistike]

Originally posted by SexualChocolate
i'm too arrogant about myself to pay some tramp to dance for me, when my missus is much better looking than any of them!.

But its not your stag do.

[Oddjob]

Bournemouth is wicked

Strippers are also good

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by Pistike
But its not your stag do.

My mate is the same as me

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by Eagle Of Cray
This is the difficult bit for SC.

Up your bumhole! :o

[selhurstparkflyer]

Is it possible to have a stag do with no strippers?

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by Mat ov CPFC
As for the Stag do then why not be really original and just go down the Pub on the night before the wedding and get drunk ?

In this day and age that's probably quite original as everyone seems to be going for the Eastern European weekend ideas, i'd prefer to do something even more original if poss though

[Pistike]

Originally posted by SexualChocolate
My mate is the same as me

what arrogant or shagging your wife?

[Pistike]

Come to an eastern European pub.

[Pistike]

That'll be 275 pounds plus vat.

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by selhurstparkflyer
Is it possible to have a stag do with no strippers?

If the stripper was fit my mate would be too embarrassed, if it was a hound he'd just walk out!

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by Pistike
what arrogant or shagging your wife?

:D - Similar view on strip clubs

[Pistike]

sounds like a fairy.

[selhurstparkflyer]

Originally posted by SexualChocolate
If the stripper was fit my mate would be too embarrassed, if it was a hound he'd just walk out!

That sounds like all the reason to go ahead and book one. Two would be better.

[La Bombonera]

Best man for my mate last year. After years of avoiding it I finally decided to take the plunge myself and do it - I thoroughly enjoyed it. I did about 20 minutes accompanied by a box of props and many anecdotes about my mate Mick (thankfully he was a rich source of ideas). I wrote the bones of my speech about 2 months in advance and tweaked it/added to it the nearer the big day approached. I've even written one or two speeches for others.

Having done too many week/weekend stag-dos abroad, I arranged a good ol' British one-day stag do; breakfast, brewery tour at Youngs, afternoon of beer and horse-racing, curry, finishing off at the Wimbledon greyhounds. All the guys enjoyed it as a change to what's become considered 'the norm' ... but remember to cut the numbers down. My mate gave me a list of approx 40-blokes which I chopped down to 12 (much easier to handle and move around).

Good luck ... and enjoy it :p

[Richard]

Originally posted by SexualChocolate
i'd prefer to do something even more original if poss though Go to a health spa for some pampering. Facials and stuff ...

[nathe]

Originally posted by Richard
Go to a health spa for some pampering. Facials and stuff ...

That's certainly original

[Pistike]

It'll be their wives that are taking all the charlie and getting it on with the chippendales whilst SC and his mate are getting their nails done.

Takes all sorts I 'spose.

[EagleSE24]

I wrote my speech in the pub the night before. I kept it short and just ad libbed a lot when it came to giving it. I was pretty nervous before hand but it was fine.

Anything too staged (including the 'pause for laughter') doesn't seem to go down to well.

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by La Bombonera
Best man for my mate last year. After years of avoiding it I finally decided to take the plunge myself and do it - I thoroughly enjoyed it. I did about 20 minutes accompanied by a box of props and many anecdotes about my mate Mick (thankfully he was a rich source of ideas). I wrote the bones of my speech about 2 months in advance and tweaked it/added to it the nearer the big day approached. I've even written one or two speeches for others.

Having done too many week/weekend stag-dos abroad, I arranged a good ol' British one-day stag do; breakfast, brewery tour at Youngs, afternoon of beer and horse-racing, curry, finishing off at the Wimbledon greyhounds. All the guys enjoyed it as a change to what's become considered 'the norm' ... but remember to cut the numbers down. My mate gave me a list of approx 40-blokes which I chopped down to 12 (much easier to handle and move around).

Good luck ... and enjoy it :p

What type of props did you use LB?

[PalaceMonkey]

I used a sock as a prop.

brought the house down :p

[La Bombonera]

Originally posted by SexualChocolate
What type of props did you use LB?
When referring to the groom as your mate, it was the usual stuff; references to his past and present (for Mick it was punk, cider, Sunday football and currently delivering carpets for a living ... roll that in with the usual stag-do/wedding night innuendo stuff and you've enough material to get by). Mick's got a huge bent hooter so a plastic nose came in handy too. I also used some props to do a review of the year to date.

Once you get going planning your material, you'll be fine :p

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by La Bombonera
When referring to the groom as your mate, it was the usual stuff; references to his past and present (for Mick it was punk, cider, Sunday football and currently delivering carpets for a living ... roll that in with the usual stag-do/wedding night innuendo stuff and you've enough material to get by). Mick's got a huge bent hooter so a plastic nose came in handy too. I also used some props to do a review of the year to date.

Once you get going planning your material, you'll be fine :p

Nice one, i appreciate the help. I'll let you all know how it goes in the summer!! :p

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
I used a sock as a prop.

brought the house down :p

Is that your spuff sock?

[PalaceMonkey]

how very dare you

[nathe]

Originally posted by SexualChocolate
Is that your spuff sock?

must have been a small one

[west country boy]

You should see if there are any comedy scriptwriters on the BBS.

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by west country boy
You should see if there are any comedy scriptwriters on the BBS.

Oh yeah! Where's Alf when you need him? :o

[baracas77]

Originally posted by A.D.
Loads of best man speeches here (http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/examples/showall.asp?type=1)

This should give you some ideas of what(or what not) to do...

lol.. :D I've just spent all afternoon on there knocking up me groom speech although I recommend having a go yourself before doing this as it puts phrases into your head which aren't really related to your particular wedding..

[Al From Bromley]

Speeches should come from the heart, with a few anecdotes about the groom thrown in. As for stag do's and strippers, so old hat. We had a joint stag and hen do. Much more fun, a joint celebration with your friends. I think if someone booked a stripper for me I would have disowned them. Sexist, outdated and moronic behaviour.

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by Al From Bromley
Speeches should come from the heart, with a few anecdotes about the groom thrown in. As for stag do's and strippers, so old hat. We had a joint stag and hen do. Much more fun, a joint celebration with your friends. I think if someone booked a stripper for me I would have disowned them. Sexist, outdated and moronic behaviour.

:p - Alf gold! Don't mince your worlds eh Al?! :D

[Al From Bromley]

Indeed SC. Not into cliches, never have been. The stereotypical stag night with stripper, the grossly expensive exotic honeymoon....you can keep them ta. :)

[Thin on Top]

The immortal opening line of

"Believe me, this isn't the first time today i've got up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand"

Should always be used. It's worked twice for me (both groom and best man!)

[baracas77]

Originally posted by Thin on Top
The immortal opening line of

"Believe me, this isn't the first time today i've got up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand"

Should always be used. It's worked twice for me (both groom and best man!)

:D I penciled that in for mine.. It's obviously a bit overused! doh..

[Al From Bromley]

Originally posted by zoom
Doesn't a joint stag/hen party kind of defeat the object?

Not really. In the main we both knew the same people so we took over a comedy club for the night and partied away til the small hours. We then went next door to my offices and I slept on the floor of the creative department and Monty slept on the boardroom table. Much more memorable than some tacky stripper thanks and a grilling from an intended about whether I shagged it.

[HOL_Beagle]

Heard this one which brought the house down:

Funnily enough, <grooms name> confided in me this morning that he suffers from chronic dyslexia.....

<pause>

....which would explain why, all those years ago, he once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

[Maz]

Certainly no way to speak about one's future wife.

[Pistike]

Zoom you could always go for a facial.

[Al From Bromley]

Originally posted by zoom
Sounds fun and i would never knock anyone for doing what suits them.
Surely the point is though to enjoy your single care free days for the last time without any of the committment or responsibilities that can come with being attached?

Totally agree with you about tacky strippers though, having some old dog flash her bits at you for no other reason than she's being paid in cash niether teases, entertains, arouses or makes me laugh. I know that i'll be subjected to it though. :rolleyes:

Further, it has the potential to destroy friendships and cause a ruck with your intended. For what? Some old tart getting her tits out? It's soooo outdated.

[eagle mart]

"Ladies and gentleman it is usual for the Best Man's speech to last as long as the groom does in the bed, so on that note, I thank you" And sit down.

"Nobody has ever questioned [insert name] intelligence, in fact nobody has ever mentioned it.

"I thought I'd use the internet to research my Best man speech, after a couple of hours of looking, I found some really intersting stuff. Then I remebered I should be looking for things to do with this speech"


I'd love to be able to do a best man's speech but I don't think I'd ever be able to do it. Public speaking makes me go to bits.

[Eagle Of Cray]

Originally posted by Al From Bromley
I slept on the floor of the creative department and Monty slept on the boardroom table.

Laying down a few markers.

[Al From Bromley]

Originally posted by Eagle Of Cray
Laying down a few markers.

Yes I believe the creatives were still using magic markers at that time. :)

[Maz]

Originally posted by Al From Bromley
Indeedd, I'll leave you to waste hours of your life away on here eh? I don't know about you but I'm working, not wasting.

Haven't you got some golf to play?

Ciao! ( ;) ).

[Eagle Of Cray]

Originally posted by Al From Bromley
Yes I believe the creatives were still using magic markers at that time. :)

And thankfully still do. One of my customers runs a course every year at Trinity College in Oxford and spends thousands on Magic Markers each time:p

[Maz]

Nothing, but nothing, beats the smell of a magic marker.

As evocative as perfume. (and perfume doesn't squeak evocatively either).

[PalaceFan in Alabama]

Originally posted by Maz
I don't know about you but I'm working, not wasting.

Haven't you got some golf to play?

Ciao! ( ;) ).

So this is the level you have set for 2007.

[Neil the Eagle]

To continue the bitchfight go here: http://www.cpfc.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=5181773#post5181773

To provide advice on Best Man's speechs stay here...

[Maz]

Originally posted by PalaceFan in Alabama
So this is the level you have set for 2007. Yeehar!

http://z.about.com/d/gocalifornia/1/0/t/7/P5021296-a.jpg

[Neil the Eagle]

Maz, don't make do the line thing again...

[Maz]

What's the line thing?!!

Never mind - even if I don't know what you mean I know what you mean.

Now then now then now then. Best men's speeches? I don't know.

[Eagle Of Cray]

Originally posted by Maz
[B]Nothing, but nothing, beats the smell of a magic marker.
/B]

I have you down as a Burnt Umber type of guy.

On topic - I never thought I'd be standing here the first time I met ....at that bar in Old Compton Street.

He always said he'd marry a beautiful woman but no one can wait forever.

And people wondered who would buy the £60 wedding dress from Asda.

One of the best things about him is his ability to do absolutely anything for a dare. A wink in the direction of the bride may help those at the back.

Come on hands up who thought it maybe their kid?

Is it normal rules? ie best man gets first go on the bridesmaids.

[mushroom]

I went to a wedding, where the best man, was the grooms brother, at the start of the speech, he looked at his dad, and said, "i'd like to thank my dad for coming" then turned to his mum and said "and my mum for swallowing" this was followed by mostly silence, apart from 1 idiot, who laughed out loud!

[PalaceFan in Alabama]

Originally posted by Maz
Yeehar!

http://z.about.com/d/gocalifornia/1/0/t/7/P5021296-a.jpg

So very bleeding funny Maz, don't you understand "flogging a dead horse".
How stupid of me, I should understand your LEVEL for 2007 :rolleyes:

[Maz]

You need to be more pithy Phil.

Pithy pithy pithy.

[PalaceFan in Alabama]

Originally posted by Maz
You need to be more pithy Phil.

Pithy pithy pithy.

Just like you :hmph:

[Maz]

Er, your mum? :confused:

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by Maz
Er, your mum? :confused:

What's going on with you this year Maz? You've been VERY funny! :D

[SexualChocolate]

Originally posted by eagle mart
"Ladies and gentleman it is usual for the Best Man's speech to last as long as the groom does in the bed, so on that note, I thank you" And sit down.



Not only do i love it, it's now the opening line of my speech!!! :p

[disco mixx kidd]

or like a womans skirt, short enuff to be interesting but long enuff to cover all the essentials

[Jarvis cpfc]

What is better short & snappy or relatively long 10 minutes or so and full of detail and humour?

Also reading out the cards from those who couldn't attend is this necessary as I find that bit boring?

[cumbrian_eagles]

I have to say I've never been to a wedding where cards have been read out. I'd rather have a balance between snappy and detailed, but definitely get some jokes in there otherwise people might be wishing you did read the cards out ;)

[GodstoneEagle]

mine was short and sweet, thank the people who have travelled furthest to get there, whack in some jokes and embarrass the groom

[nicknackpalace]

5 mins is a good target

[CPFC 3:16]

Make sure you add the following at the end of your speech...

"Never go to bed on an argument. Stay up and fight"

Guaranteed a laugh, as well as being sound advice

[peagle]

remember to say the bride could have done better?

[AJ's right boot]

http://www.presentationhelper.co.uk/best_man.htm

[Eye-dee]

I did it four times when I was younger and was just glad to get it over with, so I didn't try to be funny, just did the toasts and read out some messages.

I might do a bit of stand-up now though, it's just that at my age I now seem to go to funerals instead of weddings :sob:

[Jarvis cpfc]

Originally posted by CPFC 3:16
Make sure you add the following at the end of your speech...

"Never go to bed on an argument. Stay up and fight"

Guaranteed a laugh, as well as being sound advice

Canny. :D

[thefox]

Originally posted by GodstoneEagle
mine was short and sweet, thank the people who have travelled furthest to get there, whack in some jokes and embarrass the groom

then look down the brides maids clevage and say you've got great tits :D

[GodstoneEagle]

not when the bridesmaid is your sister :eek:

[Eye-dee]

One of the times I actually toasted 'Pete and Sue', raised my glass and noticed the hall had gone quiet. I was getting glares from my mate Pete and his new bride, Carol, when I remembered that not only was Sue his embittered ex, she was also a mortal enemy of his mother-in-law.

Oops.

:moo:

[Bangkok Eagle]

You can google some good advice for free on the net. But just remember if a suggested line sounds familiar most of your audience will have heard it too. So use the ideas or themes available but personalise and add a bit of your own inspiration.

[DANCOO]

Ask if anyone wants to see a pink elephant.

[KiddDrunkadelic]

im fu'king useless at speeches so, sorry, im no help.

[CPFC 3:16]

I was christened Antony, but all my mates know me as Tony. So when my best man was planning his speech, i asked him to refer to me as Antony for the benefit of my family. 10 pints of Stella later, he must have found it quite difficult to do this. The end of his speech....."Please raise your glasses to the happy couple...Antony and Tony"

[thefox]

Originally posted by GodstoneEagle
not when the bridesmaid is your sister :eek:

some bristol city fans might be on later :D

[glenn.f]

Try putting it down on small prompt cards rather than big sheets of paper. But don't shuffle them when you are getting a laugh.

[bestman233]

A great Best Man Speech structure is to start off with how you know the Groom, then your adventures with him over the years. But as another poster says - then move on to the bride!! Talk about both the bride and Groom for the last few minutes of the speech, and they'll love it!! You can get some personalised jokes at http://www.bestmansspeeches.com

[lanepe]

Hmm, I'll be doing my third one this Saturday.

Its all written and practiced but they don't seem to get any easier to write. Although once it is written and I've rehearsed it a few times I feel a lot more relaxed.

Anyway, spare a thought for me this Saturday around 1pm...

[lanepe]

Actually the groom wants me to help him write his wedding thank you speech tomorrow. Well organised as ever and I suspect 'help him' is code for 'please write it for me'. Hey ho.

Anyway, I've done a few best man speeches but thankfully I've never played the part of the groom. I can recall that they are normally used for thanking both sets of parents, bridesmaids, best man, organiser of the wedding and praising the bride. Is that about right? Anyone else we need to thank, any other traditional words or themes that should be included?

Thank you.

[Eye-dee]

I'm sure I saw a video of a best man's speech once where he mentioned that it was the habit of the bride to give her former boyfriends a key to her house, and now that she was married, would they return them by putting them in a metal pot on the main table.
It starts off with one guy sheepishly making his way to the table and putting the key in with a loud 'clank'. Then more blokes come up, all clanking their keys in the pot. Obviously all the blokes had been given keys as a joke, but the really funny bit was when it seemed it was all over, the vicar gets up and puts his key in :D

Great video, can't find it now :(

[lanepe]

Apologies for quoting myself but I wanted my post to be on this page in the hope of getting some replies. Ta

Actually the groom wants me to help him write his wedding thank you speech tomorrow. Well organised as ever and I suspect 'help him' is code for 'please write it for me'. Hey ho.

Anyway, I've done a few best man speeches but thankfully I've never played the part of the groom. I can recall that they are normally used for thanking both sets of parents, bridesmaids, best man, organiser of the wedding and praising the bride. Is that about right? Anyone else we need to thank, any other traditional words or themes that should be included?

Thank you.

[sexyrazor]

I'm sure I saw a video of a best man's speech once where he mentioned that it was the habit of the bride to give her former boyfriends a key to her house, and now that she was married, would they return them by putting them in a metal pot on the main table.
It starts off with one guy sheepishly making his way to the table and putting the key in with a loud 'clank'. Then more blokes come up, all clanking their keys in the pot. Obviously all the blokes had been given keys as a joke, but the really funny bit was when it seemed it was all over, the vicar gets up and puts his key in :D

Great video, can't find it now :(

My brothers 3 best men did this.

[pdeagle84]

best intro ever...

Ping a glass with a a fork to get everyones attention and say...

"FORNICATION...ahem...FORANOCCASSION like this..."

Brilliant.

[andyocpfc]

I have been given the honour of being best man at my best mates wedding and now comes the inevitable nervous, squeaky bum approach to doing the speech.

I wonder if anyone can give me any advice/tips/ideas or experiences you have had, whether it be good or bad and whether it be your own experience or seeing someone else that has excelled in this area.

I'm crapping myself about it :(

Surely it's near on impossible to make laugh such a wide range of people and ages. At the same time i don't want to use the normal, already heard one liners you get on the net as i want it to be original. I have material, in terms of experiences but just how i portray it.

TIA

[suits_you]

"I was speaking to the groom earlier about their honeymoon, and apparently, they are going to North Wales......well he said something about "going to bangor for a week" anyway"

[Alan Key]

Can you sing? Apparently some guy tweaked this song and played it when he was best man and it went down well. Genius methinks.

Pt-lotqZQsc

[stinky]

There is one or two threads on here already, providing a huge range of advice.

But, from my point of view, you just have to make sure you're prepared. I practised and practised and practised, to the point where I knew it pretty much off by heart.

Everyone is on your side, and will be wanting you to do well. Coupled with the fact that they'd have had a few drinks by then, they'll be nicely lubricated and will laugh at most things.

I did a format which worked well for the situation, and managed to get help and support from a few others to make sure it went smoothly. Leading up to the day (a year ago now) I was so scared and nervous, but on the day itself there was just a calm realisation that it was happening and there was nothing I could do to get out of it, so I just relaxed.

Let me know if you need any more help at all.

Simon

[stinky]

merged threads here (http://www.cpfc.org/forums/showthread.php?t=170681&highlight=Speech)

[lanepe]

I agree with young stinkers that the key is to write it early and then keep practising (reading it out aloud and then you can see what works and what doesn't) until you have it aced.

I've done it 3 times and each time I've bought a best man's speech book off (try Amazon) and that will give you advice on how to structure it and might have some good gags (especially a closing line) that you can adapt.

Sure it will go well and best of luck.

[stinky]

I agree with young stinkers that the key is to write it early and then keep practising (reading it out aloud and then you can see what works and what doesn't) until you have it aced.

I've done it 3 times and each time I've bought a best man's speech book off (try Amazon) and that will give you advice on how to structure it and might have some good gags (especially a closing line) that you can adapt.

Sure it will go well and best of luck.

Weirdly, the hardest and most embarrassing part for me was having to read it out loud for the first time to my wife. Once I'd got that out the way, and she told me it was really good, I felt a lot more relaxed.

I used to disappear to the toilet at work for 15 mins... but enough about my masturbation timetable. Practise practise practise. I'd go and lock myself in the toilet at work and read it to myself in the mirror. Pratising how I'd deliver certain lines etc. You've GOT to know the speech, otherwise all you're doing is reading what's written down in front of you, and it sounds wooden.

[tonkers]

Try this for ideas http://www.thebestmanspeech.com/

[Gooders]

Faint.

[stinky]

Try this for ideas http://www.thebestmanspeech.com/

only problem with that is that people have already heard a lot of the stuff you find on the web

I think someone on the merged thread on here suggested the 'upper hand' gag as an opening gambit. I'd never heard it, and subsequently used it, and it turns out no one at the wedding had heard it either

[jackamo]

Without doubt, pratice is the key. I used cards with headers on when I made my speech. Both the groom and the brides brother had their speeches written down and they read them word for word which didn't sound great. Made my very average speech sound great!

[SmithEagle]

Im doing one this Friday, in front of about 80 people!

Im not writing it until tomorrow night!

Cant be that difficult!

[stinky]

Im doing one this Friday, in front of about 80 people!

Im not writing it until tomorrow night!

Cant be that difficult!

yeah, good luck with that one

[Random*]

Having done this three times, my number one tip is - be sincere.

The speech doesn't have to be long - 5-7 minutes is the sweet spot for me, and you don't need to have them rolling in the aisles. You'll get a lot of questions before hand about whether you're ready, but don't sweat it, people will have forgotten about your speech. They'll laugh anyway because they'll be tanked up.

If you know the person reasonably well, then you will have some interesting things to say about them. They don't have to be long stories - short anecdotes work fine. A good way to do this is to think about what defines the groom - what do they like to do in their spare time? What is their job? Do they have any distinguishing personality features? List these things out, and then think about how each of these items have affected the groom in their life, and maybe if there is a story about it.

Another good avenue is to talk to the bride, or family to get interesting material about the proposal (everyone has a fun story about that), or stupid things they did as a child. As long as what you're saying has a grain of truth in it, it's fine. Just stay away from talking about ex girlfriends/wives/lovers/prostitutes, and anything that someone might be offended by from the stag.

Take a pen with you on the day and if anything funny happens then you can note that down too - these are some of the things I've had the best laughs from (I once thanked the Travelodge I was staying in for managing to provide me with an iron but not an ironing board - sounds stupid here, but one bloke nearly gave himself a hernia laughing).

Learn your speech well enough that you can tell it to people like a story down the pub. You may find it easiest to learn by not writing out the entire speech at any point - just write out some short points that you can talk about, and then practice, practice, practice out loud to yourself until you're sick of it, preferably the day before, and then again at some point on the day itself.

Write key words or the first few words of stories on to small cue cards - don't put it on an A4 bit of paper as its easy to lose your place while reading it, and if you start shaking (I did, even on the 3rd time) then the large bit of paper will give that away to everyone as it starts wobbling too.

Practice, practice, practice with these cards, and if you find yourself regularly stumbling over something, then annotate them to remind yourself about that bit before you get to it.


Make sure you say how beautiful the bride is, thank the bridesmaids for their hard work on the day, tell everyone what a great mate the groom is, and do a toast at the end.

[Random*]

Also, if you're reading this then it's probably too late... but the moment you are made best man, start keeping notes on anything stupid/funny the groom says. Use your phone, borrow a pen and scribble it on a scrap of paper, whatever.

It'll give you a lot of material.

[stinky]

speaking to other friends and family is key.

I got a lot of my material from the parents of the groom.

Or just do what SmithEagle is doing, and wing it (and probably mess it up)

[andyocpfc]

Sorry, stupidly i didn't do a search prior to writing the thread. I'll have a look through, thanks all.

[Tony Montana]

I went to a wedding recently whereby the best man ridiculed the groom throughout the whole speech, for being gay. It really got old very quickly and made the best man look like an idiot.

The guys who i had as my best men did a sterling job. Tricks to include are major events that has happened on that day previously. On my wedding day, Michael Fish predicted the hurricane, so it just goes to show any bumbling fool can recover from their mistakes to become succesful!

Puns are also a good one, i met my wife at the cricket, so when it came to the speech some cheesy puns were thrown in about bowling the maiden over e.t.c

[Random*]

speaking to other friends and family is key.

I got a lot of my material from the parents of the groom.

Or just do what SmithEagle is doing, and wing it (and probably mess it up)

Nah, wrote and learnt the last two I did the day before the wedding - although I had been running a few ideas around in my head and keeping some notes for a few weeks before that.

[Trilby]

best intro ever...

Ping a glass with a a fork to get everyones attention and say...

"FORNICATION...ahem...FORANOCCASSION like this..."

Brilliant.
I did this and it went down really well.

Nicking jokes off the net is not a problem, people will still laugh, but make sure at least one part of the speech is your own and relevant to the bride and groom. I wrote a poem. It was shit, and cheesy, but it was from me to the couple and that made it special.

Oh and I also got a video message from Aki Riihilahti - but that's another story :D

[stinky]

I also didn't swear once in my speech.

People think it's OK to be as rude and lewd as possible, but in reality I don't think it is.

[andyocpfc]

only problem with that is that people have already heard a lot of the stuff you find on the web




This is what i am worried about, hat people have already heard it all and then you just get fake laughing and shakes of the head and groans.

[stinky]

I did this and it went down really well.

Nicking jokes off the net is not a problem, people will still laugh, but make sure at least one part of the speech is your own and relevant to the bride and groom. I wrote a poem. It was shit, and cheesy, but it was from me to the couple and that made it special.

Oh and I also got a video message from Aki Riihilahti - but that's another story :D

I also wrote a poem to finish the speech. Purely because I didn't know how to finish the speech. It too was cheesy, but funny and sincere at the same time. They appeared to like it (I hope they did anyway)

[stinky]

This is what i am worried about, hat people have already heard it all and then you just get fake laughing and shakes of the head and groans.

give me your email address and I'll send you mine. It won't mean anything to you, but you'll see that I didn't rely on recycled jokes. However, it relied heavily on a lot of photo evidence, which I blew up, printed, and laminated, then got certain people on certain tables to hold them up at the right time

[topper]

I got married a couple of months ago, I wrote my groomsmen speech the morning of my wedding. I did forget a couple of toasts but pretty much had everyone in tears of both kinds in my five minutes, I thought I had aced it!
I was then usurped by my bestman, who did his own thing a story or two to break the ice then hitting me with a story from when we were kids....the whole congregation were in floods of tears. t'was very emotional to say the least!

as said previously keep it personal, try not to plagurise too greatly from the web.
Try and forget the nerves, the majority of people will love whatever comes out your moosh (assuming common decency of course) as they're a captive audience with a favourable outcome for the day in their mind...ie it isn't britains got talent and you won't be judged/marked down on a "bum note".

[lanepe]

This is what i am worried about, hat people have already heard it all and then you just get fake laughing and shakes of the head and groans.

But these best man advice books are always being published or updated and re-released. If you make sure you buy a newly released one (just check the release date on Amazon) then you should avoid that.

Edit - I am not saying you plagiarize huge chunks but it may give you ideas for themes or a couple of winning lines you can adapt.

[andyocpfc]

Having done this three times, my number one tip is - be sincere.

The speech doesn't have to be long - 5-7 minutes is the sweet spot for me, and you don't need to have them rolling in the aisles. You'll get a lot of questions before hand about whether you're ready, but don't sweat it, people will have forgotten about your speech. They'll laugh anyway because they'll be tanked up.

If you know the person reasonably well, then you will have some interesting things to say about them. They don't have to be long stories - short anecdotes work fine. A good way to do this is to think about what defines the groom - what do they like to do in their spare time? What is their job? Do they have any distinguishing personality features? List these things out, and then think about how each of these items have affected the groom in their life, and maybe if there is a story about it.

Another good avenue is to talk to the bride, or family to get interesting material about the proposal (everyone has a fun story about that), or stupid things they did as a child. As long as what you're saying has a grain of truth in it, it's fine. Just stay away from talking about ex girlfriends/wives/lovers/prostitutes, and anything that someone might be offended by from the stag.

Take a pen with you on the day and if anything funny happens then you can note that down too - these are some of the things I've had the best laughs from (I once thanked the Travelodge I was staying in for managing to provide me with an iron but not an ironing board - sounds stupid here, but one bloke nearly gave himself a hernia laughing).

Learn your speech well enough that you can tell it to people like a story down the pub. You may find it easiest to learn by not writing out the entire speech at any point - just write out some short points that you can talk about, and then practice, practice, practice out loud to yourself until you're sick of it, preferably the day before, and then again at some point on the day itself.

Write key words or the first few words of stories on to small cue cards - don't put it on an A4 bit of paper as its easy to lose your place while reading it, and if you start shaking (I did, even on the 3rd time) then the large bit of paper will give that away to everyone as it starts wobbling too.

Practice, practice, practice with these cards, and if you find yourself regularly stumbling over something, then annotate them to remind yourself about that bit before you get to it.


Make sure you say how beautiful the bride is, thank the bridesmaids for their hard work on the day, tell everyone what a great mate the groom is, and do a toast at the end.


Thanks for your time and effort in writing this, i will be sure to take it on board - some great advice. :p

[andyocpfc]

give me your email address and I'll send you mine. It won't mean anything to you, but you'll see that I didn't rely on recycled jokes. However, it relied heavily on a lot of photo evidence, which I blew up, printed, and laminated, then got certain people on certain tables to hold them up at the right time

PM'd. Thanks. :p

[andyocpfc]

But these best man advice books are always being published or updated and re-released. If you make sure you buy a newly released one (just check the release date on Amazon) then you should avoid that.

Edit - I am not saying you plagiarize huge chunks but it may give you ideas for themes or a couple of winning lines you can adapt.

I would happily use a couple tops, but no more.

[Heb 7:4]

Don't use corny jokes off of best man speech writing websites that will have been heard before

Pitch the speech so the grooms elderly aunt will enjoy it as much as your mates.

[Civic]

Keep it short and simple. Five to eight minutes is enough. I've been a best man 4 times, and the complicated jokes are rarely understood. Don't swear, don't be rude. Laugh at yourself and your nervousness and they'll be on your side. Ending with a little poem often works well. Something like:

'...And so dear friends my speech does end
I ask all in this room
To take a glass and raise it high
And toast -the bride and groom.'

Huge applause usually.

[eagleinthealps]

I got married a couple of months ago, I wrote my groomsmen speech the morning of my wedding. I did forget a couple of toasts but pretty much had everyone in tears of both kinds in my five minutes, I thought I had aced it!
I was then usurped by my bestman, who did his own thing a story or two to break the ice then hitting me with a story from when we were kids....the whole congregation were in floods of tears. t'was very emotional to say the least!

as said previously keep it personal, try not to plagurise too greatly from the web.
Try and forget the nerves, the majority of people will love whatever comes out your moosh (assuming common decency of course) as they're a captive audience with a favourable outcome for the day in their mind...ie it isn't britains got talent and you won't be judged/marked down on a "bum note".

it's only a wedding :eek: