You current favourite joke???

[smileysmith]

OK ... I wanna pick up some new jokes, so post your best here ...

I'll kickstart the action ...

Did you hear about Mick Hucknall getting caught having sex with a rabbit?

Apparently he was 'holding back the ears' ...
... and the 'bunny was too tight to mention'!

:D well, i laughed!

[Brett]

Palaceman 2002 for me...

[PalaceFan in Alabama]

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Boston and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Celtics fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Celtics
fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Celtics fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Celtics fan, then who do you support?" "I'm a Spurs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Spurs fan?" "Because my mom and dad are from San Antonio and my mom is a Spurs fan and my dad is a Spurs fan, so I'm a Spurs fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Spurs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?" Mary said, "I'd be a Lakers fan."

[Coulsdon Eagle]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer,
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish"
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish"
The man said, "Please build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive
over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can
do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would
honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. finally he said, "Lord,
I wish that I could understand what women want. I want to know how
they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the
silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' ,
and how i can make a woman truly happy"
All was silent.
Finally, God spoke.
"You want two lanes on that bridge or four?"

[jlmatthews]

2 men walk into a bar

The third ducks...

[DaveyF]

Why should you never buy yourself an illiterate dwarf?
Because it's not big and its not clever!

[Grim Reaper]

What does ET stand for? Because he can't sit down

[sydney eagle]

I heard this one on the radio this morning...

(Q)what does a trapeze artist and a guy getting oral sex from whoopi goldberg have in common?

(A)Both are scared to look down

[selhurst]

What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?

Having your dentist tell you.

[Gooders]

Palace's new manager selection process...ROFL!

[KYLIE MINEAGLE]

Posted this a while back but worth another go.
The two Williams sisters are in the changing room after a practice session.
Venus: I think dad is giving me some of those funny hormone drugs.
Serena How do you know that.
V Cos I've got hair where I've never had it before.
S Where?
V Just above me balls.

Well I laughed anyway.

[Vince Hilarious]

My Friend works in a bakers and had a terrible accident this morning.
He was badly electrocuted.........
















.........He stepped on a current bun!! Boom boom.

[Dave]

Originally posted by DaveyF
Why should you never buy yourself an illiterate dwarf?
Because it's not big and its not clever!

nice one :)

Q: Who is in charge of Space?

A: President Raygun

[Al From Bromley]

DaveyF just rebadged my signature :(

[Pub Idol]

Apparantly Jeremy Beadle has a tiny c0ck.
But on the other hand it's massive.

[markholmes1991]

brilliant Pub Idol! :p

[jone-zee]

Old Dubbya is standing by ground zero deep in thought.
He looks over and there is a British Family, peering through the fence, rependant in Shell Suit and Burbury Hats.
George walks over to the family struck by how the scene seems to be affecting them
"Hi and where do you folks hail From?"
"Sahrf Bermonzee son" says the Leader of the group
"Gee! Swell! And what state is that in?"
"Oh pretty much the same as that" the youth replies nodding through the fence

[FCM]

Subject: Earthquake Appeal

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday 6th March 2003.

Epicentre: Chatham

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fockin mentoe" "innit" and "cont"
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage, several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearica and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Medway news reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Medway.
One resident Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps,
Kappa tracksuit tops (his n hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sports socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins if baked beans ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5.0 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population or neighboring areas of Stroud, Rochester and Gravesend.
_

[pallet]

What do you a whore with a snotty nose?
Full.

[Tele Caster]

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party

in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and

music, fashion and art.



There's the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and

McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are

sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and over in the corner, George

Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren. All's going really well,

until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home

for an early night curled up with a good book.



"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I

get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the

'how's yer father?'"



"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the

gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band too."



"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in

close and whispers some instructions in her ear. Half an hour later, the

young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the

Beatles.



"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service

to me, do you?"



The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!"

and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.



Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door

flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young one y the back of

the hair and Slaps her hard across the face!



"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.



"I told you," Caine snarls.



"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

[Sick Bucket]

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Two - one to change the lightbulb and one to suck my co(k.

[greybot]

Originally posted by Pub Idol
Apparantly Jeremy Beadle has a tiny c0ck.
But on the other hand it's massive.

What does Jeremy Beadle and Big Ben have in common?
They both have a little hand

[Al From Bromley]

I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that
one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a
pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really
want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go
ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the
front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy
that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for
our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is, "Always keep your condoms in your car."
>

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by Pub Idol
Apparantly Jeremy Beadle has a tiny c0ck.
But on the other hand it's massive.

Quality! :D

[Nelson Muntz]

Originally posted by DaveyF
Why should you never buy yourself an illiterate dwarf?
Because it's not big and its not clever!
Top joke...


There was this inflatable boy. He lived in an inflatable world. The inflatable family had an inflatable house, he went to an inflatable school and the fellow pupils were inflatable. The whole place was inflatable. A blow up world.
One day at breakfast the boy took a pin and pricked his parents, down they went into a heap onto the floor.
The boy went to school and when he arrived he took his pin and popped the school. Down the inflatable school went with the sound of a fart.
The boy then picked himself with the pin and fell to the floor.
The headmaster came running out of the deflated school, stood over the boy and said (you've guessed it)

'Not only have you let your parents down, you've let the school down and you've let yourself down'

[PENGE P]

A geezer walks up to a bird in a night club and says my name is Bond

"what James Bond she replies"

No Uni Bond, I'm here to fill your crack"

[PENGE P]

Man - "Doc, I've got an orange willy"

Doc - "What??"

Man - "My willy, it's turned orange"

Doc - "Umm, I'll have to look that up. It seems it could be a sign of
stress. Do you suffer from stress?

Man - "Not really"

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I
worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary
and I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Umm, what about your home life?"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts
me
down every chance she gets"

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier"

Doc - "Umm, what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one"

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

Man - "Watch porn and eat Nik Naks"

[charltonhater]

The greatest joke of all time in my opinion is.

Knock Knock

Who's There

The Interrupting Cow

The Interrupting Cow..

MOO!

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by PENGE P
A geezer walks up to a bird in a night club and says my name is Bond

"what James Bond she replies"

No Uni Bond, I'm here to fill your crack"

like that one :D

[cpfc6]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

[Tomo]

Originally posted by cpfc6
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

Probably not true but funny as ••••.

[Santos-er]

Originally posted by cpfc6
True story

:D

funny joke though

[BLUE BOY]

Heard this one before, still good though.

[cpfc6]

indeed thought itd give people a laugh. hoping i'd trick some fool...

[Lion]

V. Funny.

[James]

This is about the fifth time this joke has appeared on the BBS....

[Chester]

whats red, white and sits in a tree?

A sanitary owl

[nottsunieagle]

two hydrogen atoms are hanging around, just chatting away. one of them turns to the other and in a despondent voice says:

"i can't believe it. i woke up this morning and some ••••••• neutron's nicked one of my electrons"

the other one turns and says "really, are you sure?"

"yeah" says the other one, "i'm positive"

[sydney eagle]

some cracking jokes in this thread:D

[Jolly1964]

whats green and eats nuts ?






...............













wait for it .............















still waiting ?























syphyllis

[Teagle]

Originally posted by nottsunieagle
two hydrogen atoms are hanging around, just chatting away. one of them turns to the other and in a despondent voice says:

"i can't believe it. i woke up this morning and some ••••••• neutron's nicked one of my electrons"

the other one turns and says "really, are you sure?"

"yeah" says the other one, "i'm positive"

I'm a little ashamed that this one made me laugh the most.

[Neil]

Why did the Mexican push his wife off of a cliff?























Tequila

[OneSize]

Whos the biggest gay of them all?

The Grand Old Duke of York, cos he had 10,000 men

[nottsunieagle]

Originally posted by Teagle
I'm a little ashamed that this one made me laugh the most.

why?! its class, and you learn a little something too:p

[Il Padrino]

Hear about the dyslexic who went to a toga party?

He turned up as a goat

[Slovak Eagle]

For her birthday Sir Paul McCartney bought his wif a plane...

and for her other leg he bought her a razor.

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by Slovak Eagle
For her birthday Sir Paul McCartney bought his wif a plane...

and for her other leg he bought her a razor.

:D :D

Long time since we last saw this thread ... nice resurrection! :p

Why do tramps stand so close to railway platforms?
Because when a train comes, it'll suck them off.

Why do blondes take the pill?
So they can remember which day of the week it is ...

[Selhurst Celtic]

Originally posted by Il Padrino
Hear about the dyslexic who went to a toga party?

He turned up as a goat

Please don't make jokes about dyslexia. They're not clever or furry.

[Slovak Eagle]

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob."

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I."

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing."

[james powell]

Posh Spice and David Beckham are sitting in front of the television watching the Six O'Clock News. The headline feature is a man who is threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy A4 below.

Posh turns to Beckham and says: "Dave, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps." He replies: "£5,000! Done."

The pair shake on it and continue watching the commotion on the TV. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his pocket and gives it to Posh. "I can't take that from you Dave" she says. "I was cheating. I saw the Five O'Clock News earlier so I knew what was going to happen. I can't accept that money."

Beckham replies: "No Babe. The money is yours fair and square. I was cheating too. I saw the news at five, I just didn't think he would do it again."

[Il Padrino]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo,
>>the
>>driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
>>"Excuse me,
>>Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat
>>so we can
>>leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never
>>let me
>>drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm
>>sorry but
>>I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something
>>should
>>happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
>>morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the
>>Pope.
>>Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
>>behind the
>>wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
>>the
>>airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
>>" Please
>>slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
>>Pope keeps
>>the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm
>>gonna
>>lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls
>>down the
>>window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,
>>goes back
>>to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the
>>Chief,"
>>he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop
>>tells
>>him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust
>>him," says
>>the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really
>>important," said
>>the cop. "The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean
>>really
>>important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there,
>>the
>>Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger."
>>"Well," said
>>the chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think its God!" Chief: "What
>>makes you
>>think its God?" Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by Il Padrino
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo,
>>the
>>driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
>>"Excuse me,
>>Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat
>>so we can
>>leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never
>>let me
>>drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm
>>sorry but
>>I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something
>>should
>>happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
>>morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the
>>Pope.
>>Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
>>behind the
>>wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
>>the
>>airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
>>" Please
>>slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
>>Pope keeps
>>the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm
>>gonna
>>lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls
>>down the
>>window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,
>>goes back
>>to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the
>>Chief,"
>>he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop
>>tells
>>him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust
>>him," says
>>the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really
>>important," said
>>the cop. "The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean
>>really
>>important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there,
>>the
>>Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger."
>>"Well," said
>>the chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think its God!" Chief: "What
>>makes you
>>think its God?" Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Long and disappointing punchline!!! :D :D :D - I like it!!!

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb??

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

[Slovak Eagle]

What is the difference between a woman and a battery...

A battery has a positive side :p .

Maybe this is why im still single :D

what do you call a sheep tied to a lampost in wales...............

















............................. a lesuire centre lol :p

[smileysmith]

What's the difference between your dick and your bonus??

The missus will always blow your bonus. ;)

[Neil]

Not a joke as such, but go to Google and type in the word 'f*ckwit' and take a look at the first result..

;)

[palace rock]

Originally posted by Neil
Not a joke as such, but go to Google and type in the word 'f*ckwit' and take a look at the first result..

;)

Very interesting, especially if you're a Brighton fan.

[cumbrian_eagles]

Originally posted by gull_palace1
what do you call a sheep tied to a lampost in wales...............

















............................. a lesuire centre lol :p

We get that one up here too :rolleyes:

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by Neil
Not a joke as such, but go to Google and type in the word 'f*ckwit' and take a look at the first result..

;)

:D :p

I never realised Google was so accurate ...

[Webb]

Originally posted by Neil
Not a joke as such, but go to Google and type in the word 'f*ckwit' and take a look at the first result..

;)

:p :D

[Dex]

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they
gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man
says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."
Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies,
"Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace,
she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then
proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my
wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo." With a confused
and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you
buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well,
in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go •••• herself."

[Jonboy]

CURTAINS

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,
"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her
that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several
patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what
size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what
room are they for?"
The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her
computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need
curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows

[mydesign11]

Originally posted by James
This is about the fifth time this joke has appeared on the BBS....



.......I dont get it?

[Jimbo number 5]

why did the baker have brown hands?................






















cos he kneeded a poo!!!

[Jimbo number 5]

did u hear about the legless girl who won the strawberry picking competition? Jammy c*nt!!

[stevey_d]

What did the '0' say to the number '8' at the fancy dress party?

Nice belt.

[smileysmith]

Why are women like public toilets?
They are enither vacant, engaged or full of shit.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball??
She choked.

[Selhurst Celtic]

It's an old joke but here you go...

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These bloody Girls Nights Out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties"


"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her arse that said 'From all the lads at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."

[Robbie]

The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of
the House."

He stormed into the house and walked directly up to
his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said,
"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of
this house, and my word is law!"

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so
I can relax.

And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replied, "The f*cking funeral director."

[Robbie]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the prairie. Tonto dismounts and puts his ear to the ground. He looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "Buffalo come."

"Wow, that's amazing!", exclaims the Lone Ranger. "How did you figure that out?"

Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "Ear sticky!"

[Palace Bear]

A man goes into a shop and looks round for something to eat, but can't find anything he wants. So he goes up to the checkout and says to the shop keeper
'do you have any pot noodles please'.
the shop keeper replies
'sorry they've all been recalled as they have been infected with a cancerous dye from asia. Can i get you anything else?'.
'Just twenty marlborough lights then please'

[hihi]

Two tourists were driving through Wales
At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogog ogoch,
they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde waitress leaned over and said,
"Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

[Arwen]

A 3 year old boy was examing his testicles while taking a bath."Mum,"he asked,"Are these my brains."Mum answered,"NOT YET!"

wayne rooney goes to the doctors and says:
every time i look in the mirror i get sexually eroused
doctor says: im not suprised ure a c*nt

[smileysmith]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend??




Wiped his arse. :D

[Robbie]

A man had just finished a putt and reached in the hole to get his ball, but pulled out a leprechaun! "Sure, and ye have me," cried the leprechaun. "And if you let me go, for your trouble, I'll give ye three wishes !"

"Thank you," said the man. "I don't really need anything, so I'll pass on the wishes."

He let the leprechaun go, and went off to finish his game. The leprechaun was dumbfounded. Who had ever heard of such a thing ? He sat on a pebble and thought to himself "Such a man as that deserves three wishes ! I'll give them to him in spite of himself !

Now what should he wish for? Why money, of course! Everyone wants money.

So, for his first wish he wants to be a millionaire ! And second-let's make him a great golfer! And last-ah ! Let him have a wonderful sex life.

A month went by and the leprechaun spotted the man playing on the course again. He jumped out of a hole and yelled up to the man "How ye be doing ?"

The man smiled and said "Hello, little friend. I am doing just fine."

The leprechaun smiled back and said "And how's your money situation, if you don't mind my asking' ?"

"It's funny you should ask," replied the man. "An uncle of mine passed away and left me a fortune !"

"Hah! Is that so? And how's your golf game now ?"

"It's an amazing thing," said the man. "For the past few weeks I can't do worse than two under par."

"Sure, and that's wonderful !" With a sly look, the leprechaun asked, "And how's your sex life ?"

The man, obviously embarrassed, looked away and coughed, "Well, it's fine. Two or three times a month."

The leprechaun was aghast. "Two or three times a month ? That's horrible !"

The man looked up and said, "Actually, it's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

[cheltenham]

Did you here about the big pile up the other day at Buckingham Palace.....4 corgis crapped in the same place.

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by Robbie
"Actually, it's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Nice one!! :p :D

[Robbie]

An elderly couple are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells, "Super Pussy!" The old man says, "I'll have the soup."

[Arwen]

Man in the market shouting,"BLOW UP DOLLS £40.
Guy says to him,i bought one here yesterday and it went down on me.
Man shouts BLOW UP DOLLS £70!!!!!

[Robbie]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them carefully by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said......

"If you EVER wear my clothes into town again, you're fired !!"

[Selhurst Celtic]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks
at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Shertingly not", he replies, "Q's just given me thish
shtate-of-the-art watch and I was just teshting it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"

Bond explains,
"It ushes alpha wavesh to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says,
"What's it telling you now?"

Bond says
"Well, it shays you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies,
"Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond tuts, and frantically taps his watch and says, "Damn shing's
an hour fasht."

[kiralyspyjamas]

What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?

They both like putting their meat in between ten year old buns.

[Disco]

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold", the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to b e one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[berg787]

i cant remember exactly how it goes but it involes a flea, racquel welsh's vagina hair and omar shariff's tash

[dowieslovechild]

> ONE STONE
>
> This was his Indian name because he had only one testicle.
> After years and years of this torment One Stone cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me One Stone again I will kill them!"

The word got around
And nobody called him One Stone any more. Then one day a young girl
forgot and
> said, "Good morning One Stone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took
her deep
> into the forest, there he sh**ged her all day, he s**gged her all
night,
> he sh*g*ed her all the next day,until she died from exhaustion.
>
> The word got around that One Stone meant business.
> One day an old friend turned up who had been away for years . She was
> overjoyed when she saw One Stone and hugged him and said, "Good to
see you One Stone." Again, One Stone grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest
> where he s**gged her all day, sha**ed her all night, sh**ged her all
the
> next day, sha**ed her all the next night, but she wouldn't die!
>
> And the moral of the story?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>


> You can't kill two birds with one stone

[kiralyspyjamas]

Two men walk into a pub. They see a strange looking man at the bar, so one says to the other, "go and see what job he does"

He goes over, and the guy says that he is a psycho analyst.
"What the hell is that?"
"Have you got a Gold Fish?"
"Yes"
"Is it in a pond?"
"Yes"
"So, you must have a large garden then?"
"Yep"
"So you've also got a large house then?"
"Yeah"
"So I take it yo uhave a wife and kids?"
"Yeah I do"
"So you must have abn active sex life then?"
"Yep"
"Theat's what I do, I can tell your sex life from whether you have a goldfish or not"
The man goes back to his friend, who asks, "What does he do then?"
"He's a Psycho analyst?"
"What's that then?"
"Have you got a gold fish"
"no"
"Then your a wan*er"

[dowieslovechild]

Originally posted by kiralyspyjamas
Two men walk into a pub. They see a strange looking man at the bar, so one says to the other, "go and see what job he does"

He goes over, and the guy says that he is a psycho analyst.
"What the hell is that?"
"Have you got a Gold Fish?"
"Yes"
"Is it in a pond?"
"Yes"
"So, you must have a large garden then?"
"Yep"
"So you've also got a large house then?"
"Yeah"
"So I take it yo uhave a wife and kids?"
"Yeah I do"
"So you must have abn active sex life then?"
"Yep"
"Theat's what I do, I can tell your sex life from whether you have a goldfish or not"
The man goes back to his friend, who asks, "What does he do then?"
"He's a Psycho analyst?"
"What's that then?"
"Have you got a gold fish"
"no"
"Then your a wan*er" :p

[Stigma]

Pleasant Plane Trip

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip, or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said,
"Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention, in
Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at the convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information
that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent
that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck..."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed....
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you.
I don't even know your name."

"Tonto,"the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[Coulsdon Eagle]

in the changing room of a golf club, A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I Saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year Is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer£900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Coulsdon Eagle]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when you hear the price."

[Coulsdon Eagle]

There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then left.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim said, "That's okay."

The woman said, "Are you sure?"

Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

[Coulsdon Eagle]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.

Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

[Jonboy]

Why I Fired My Secretary


Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."


After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.


And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked

[Selhurst Celtic]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[fwied wice]

how do you make a hormone?

stick your cock in her eye

[Selhurst Celtic]

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?


Only one of them can wash their crack and sell it again.

:moo:

(coats on)

[Danger]

Millwall

[cumbrian_eagles]

What sort of key opens every lock?

A pi-key...

[howard]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,
past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little b*st*rd on the phone, I'm
lost and need directions."


__________________________________________________ _________

[monkey]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day;
he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and
in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you
something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner,

we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.



They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses,
Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.



So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in
front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

[monkey]

> A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home,
>[ she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
> "About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.
> A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
> "Nope, I'm 47. Now, she's feeling really good about herself.
> She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
> The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."

> While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going.
>Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands
> under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out,
> "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
> After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay,...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,
> and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you
> won't get mad?" "No", she says. He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[cpfcinprem]

wat do u call a guy with a bit of ham on his head?
Hamed

wat do u call a guy with 2 bits of ham on his head?
Mohamed

wat do u call a guy with 2 bits of ham on his head, standing between 2 buildings?
Mohamed Alley!

[Aylesford Chris]

Whats brown and sits on a wall?




Humpty Dump!

[Croydon Exile]

Why did Marx prefer cammomile tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

/ponce

[Selhurst Celtic]

After many years of married life, a man finds that he is no longer able to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." And he refers the man to a Cajun witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. BUT BE WARNED! After that, it will not work again for 1 whole year!"

The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and eager to surprise his wife. He can't wait to go to bed.

They get in bed and he says, "123", and just like magic, BANG! Instant woody!








At which point, his wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

[fwied wice]

Originally posted by Selhurst Celtic
After many years of married life, a man finds that he is no longer able to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." And he refers the man to a Cajun witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. BUT BE WARNED! After that, it will not work again for 1 whole year!"

The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and eager to surprise his wife. He can't wait to go to bed.

They get in bed and he says, "123", and just like magic, BANG! Instant woody!








At which point, his wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

CLASSIC!! :lux:

[u8mygoat]

Shouldn't find this funny but....

DJ's First Day of School

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school at the end of the day, she anxiously asked him how his day went.
'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I had sex with the teacher.'

'What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!' Little DJ goes to his room, and when his father comes home, DJ's mom tells his father, 'I'm absolutely disgusted with DJ. He said he came top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!'

'That's my boy' thinks his Dad. So he goes upstairs to talk to DJ. 'Don't worry about your Mom. She's a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I'm so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I'll get it for you this weekend.'

'Oh no, Dad, don't. I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a while.'

[tlr_cpfc]

An English man on holiday in New York goes to Ground zero to pay his respects. He meets a fireman who was on duty on the day and they get talking.

"Terrible what happened here isn't it" said the Englishman.

"It certainly is"said the fireman "By the way that's a strange accent you have, where do you come from?"

"I live in Wolverhampton" said the Brit.

"What state is that in?" asks the fireman

"Pretty much the same ****ing state as here"

[u8mygoat]

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

[Isle of Wight]

Originally posted by cpfcinprem
wat do u call a guy with a bit of ham on his head?
Hamed

wat do u call a guy with 2 bits of ham on his head?
Mohamed

wat do u call a guy with 2 bits of ham on his head, standing between 2 buildings?
Mohamed Alley!

Wot do you call a guy with two bits of heam on his head, jumping up and down?

Sheik Mohamed

[Oddjob]

2 owls playing pool, one plays his shot and walks round the table, on the way round he accidentally brushes a ball with his wing.

Other owl says ' thats 2 hits'

He replies ' 2 hits to who?'

Its a better joke spoken methinks

[xmasape]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small
town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't gonna eat
that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides
the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead rat in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up
the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as
I got too!"

[Selhurst Celtic]

Apologies in advance to my Irish brethren...

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the p*ss. They've got no
money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find
themselves outside a bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "get in there and steal a bus so we
can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police"
Mick duly breaks into the depot and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy
is wondering what the hell he is doing.

Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running
from bus to bus looking very worried.
"what in all hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick
replies " I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" where upon Paddy, holding
his
hands to his head in disbelief, shouts " You f....... idiot Mick, steal a
number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the
way!"

[NZsparky]

Thas an old Jethro joke Celtic

[CarlosTheFinger]

My favorite joke is the blind man joke. It goes a little bit like this.....

A woman is having a shower and suddenly hears the doorbell ringing. She puts
a towel on and runs down the stairs. In her rush the towel falls off and she
asks "who's there?". "It's a blind man" says the man behind the closed door.
She doesn't bother going back for her towel before answering the door as the
man is blind and as she stands in front of the opened door, the man chirpily
asks "do you want some blinds, love?"

Now that is a joke!

Cheers Mateyboys,

Carlos

[Il Padrino]

addy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire"

He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1million
quid. "Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber? Was it,

A, Ronnie Barker...
B, Ronnie O'Sullivan...
C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it
D, Ronnie Biggs???"

Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris"

Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"

"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris.

"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer"

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause ladies and
gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000. However before you go, you'll
obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris" "You
knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"

Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no grass!".

[cpfcinprem]

Quality Irish accent!

[gadford4th]

A man works as a bartender in a bar frequented by pirates. One day a pirate walks in with a hook for a hand. The bartender is curious and asks the bearded fella, "How come you've got that then?" The pirate replies,

"Garrr, I lost it in a battle when i was after some loot, very handy for gutting people though"

The bartender nods and thinks 'fair enough!' Soon another pirate walks in and he has a peg leg. The bartender asks the same question, "How come you've got that then?" The second pirate replies,

"Garrrr, Lost my leg to an crocodile, had to replace it to keep me balance, keep me mobile"

The bartender nods and again thinks 'fair enough!" Soon a third pirate walks into the bar and he's got a ship's steering wheel around his private parts. Now the bartender is VERY confused by this. The pirate buys a drink, and sits down awkwardly. The bartender watches him for a while and can't hold his peace any longer. "Excuse me mr pirate," he says, "I have to ask. I know why that pirate's got a hook for a hand, and i know why that other pirate has a peg leg, but why on earth do you have a ship's steering wheel around your private parts?" The pirate looks at him and says,

"Garrrr, i dunno, but it's driving me nuts."

[exiledeagle1]

What do you call a woman with two c**ts?








Mrs Neville.

[fwied wice]

Linford Christie walks into a golf club and says:

"Hi there, I'd like to become a member of the golf club"

To which the man replies:

"Sorry Sir, I can't allow it, you're black, but the next one is just ten minutes down the road"

Linford is outraged and shouts:

"BUT IM LINFORD CHRISTIE"

...... "ok, 5 minutes"

[PalaceMonkey]

:)

[fwied wice]

There's two gay men, Matt and Simon, living in a flat. On leaving for work one morning Matt says to Simon:

"Make sure you dont have a wank today, I've got something special lined up for you tonight!"

Matt gets home from his days work and walks into the bedroom to find that the whole room is covered in spunk. Matt is very angry at this stage and screams to Simon:

"I told you not to have a wank!!"

"I didn't, I farted"

[fwied wice]

Theres a fruit pastel and a jelly baby sitting at a bar. All of a sudden, two mints walk in the door. The fruit pastel gets up out of his chair and sprints off. The mints comes up to the jelly baby and beat the crap out of him.

About ten minutes later, the fruit pastel comes back.

The jelly baby shouts at him, "Why did you run off, we could of had 'em"

To which the fruit pastel replies "Did you see those mints?! They were extra strong!"

[Il Padrino]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm,



"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort

of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the

owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her

eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.



"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. The owner is

getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses

ears. "Nithe eerth.' He says,



'Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and

shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina. He holds him there for

a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The

dwarf shakes his head and says:



"Perhaps I should weefwaze that ..



Can I see her wun awound?"

[Selhurst Celtic]

Originally posted by fwied wice
Theres a fruit pastel and a jelly baby sitting at a bar. All of a sudden, two mints walk in the door. The fruit pastel gets up out of his chair and sprints off. The mints comes up to the jelly baby and beat the crap out of him.

About ten minutes later, the fruit pastel comes back.

The jelly baby shouts at him, "Why did you run off, we could of had 'em"

To which the fruit pastel replies "Did you see those mints?! They were extra strong!"

Surely he ran off because they were menthol?

Similar gag is replacing the sweets with red tarmac and black tarmac. Green tarmac comes in and beats one up. The other tarmac legged it because he knew he was a cycle path (best said in a scouse accent)

;)

[Harry the Eagle]

Two nuns are driving a car up a country lane at midnight, all of a sudden there is a huge flash of lightening, they open their eyes and see satan is sat on the bonnet, Sister Mary, Sister Mary show him your cross cries Sister Taresa. Sister Mary winds down the window and shouts 'oi get off my f***king bonnet'

[ukjay_29]

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the
rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled
hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ar+e?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

:D :D

[Dobbo]

A man goes into a sex shop to buy an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male or female?" asks the assistant.
"Female, please."
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"Black, please"
"Would you like a Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man. "What has
religion got to do with it? he asks.
"Well," explained the assistant,
"The Muslim one blows itself up..."

[fwied wice]

Two SARS bugs walk out of a bar, absolutly pissed out of their faces.

One turns to the other and says "You fancy grabbin sum food?!"

...."I could murder a Chinese!"

[Stigma]

This one is a bit poor;

An amateur league football team is desperate for players. So
desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half.
One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the
perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.
On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its
difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the ref.
"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.
At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off.

The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining.

>
> H
> E
> R
> E
>
>
> I
> T
>
>
> C
> O
> M
> E
> S
>
>
>
>
> "Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - professional fowl".
>

[smileysmith]

;)http://forums.cpfc.org/attachment.php?s=&postid=3251247

[Il Padrino]

King Fahd goes to heavan and is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates, who
welcomes him in.

After some small talk King Fahd demands that he should met God - only to be told
that God was very busy and an appointment could be made for a king - but it
would be at least 8 weeks time - anyone else up to 4 months.

Trying to help King Fahd - Saint Peter suggests that he could see the son of
God, Jesus in about 3 weeks but he also was busy and covering for his father at
various meetings over the next month or so.

To which Fahd asked - How long to meet the prophet Mohammed?

Saint Peter replied no problem and clapped his hands and shouted .....

"Mohammed quick two teas over here now!"

[kiralyspyjamas]

Always borrow money from a pessimist- they never expect it back!

[Stigma]

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest
scone atthe edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.


She said, F--k off they are for the funeral !!!!!!!

:D

[kiralyspyjamas]

Beuticians in London are getting worried about lack of business when they heard that the met were doing Brazilians for free

[BaldEagle96]

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the
rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello
to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says, "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I
thought you might be the father of one of my children !"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged
on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped
me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"

No she replies coldly,"I'm your sons' English Teacher"...

[kiralyspyjamas]

Originally posted by BaldEagle96
A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the
rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello
to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says, "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I
thought you might be the father of one of my children !"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged
on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped
me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"

No she replies coldly,"I'm your sons' English Teacher"...

Been done before on another thread.

[Oddjob]

I went to my local sports centre last night to join the gymnastics team.

I walked in and said to the lady ' I'd like to join the gymnastics team please, she said ' are you flexible?' to which I replied............

'well I can't make wednesdays'

[dowieslovechild]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night and says " I vish to buy ze sex vit
yous, ya?" "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour" " Ist goot?
But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's
flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck
caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."
The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to
her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get unt your hans and knees."
She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis veestle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy
is paying. The experience is fantastic. She is bounced all over the place by
the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The
climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is
several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she
gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?" "Ah",
says the German, " Four-sprung duck technique "

[dowieslovechild]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[CarlosTheFinger]

Smileysmith, I feel I and my fellow posters on this thread owe you an apology for the misreading of this thread, although I wish you'd corrected us before I had to make everyone aware of it!

For over three months, we've been thinking this thread was a place to post our current favourite jokes but upon re-examination of the title of this thread again, I realise it is actually a much deeper question about our individual standing in society:

You current favourite joke???

Or, as it clearly should be written:

"You, current favourite joke???" - Are you the butt of society's jokes? A loser? A figure or fun?

Cheers Mateyboys,

Carlos

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by CarlosTheFinger
Smileysmith, I feel I and my fellow posters on this thread owe you an apology for the misreading of this thread, although I wish you'd corrected us before I had to make everyone aware of it!

For over three months, we've been thinking this thread was a place to post our current favourite jokes but upon re-examination of the title of this thread again, I realise it is actually a much deeper question about our individual standing in society:

You current favourite joke???

Or, as it clearly should be written:

"You, current favourite joke???" - Are you the butt of society's jokes? A loser? A figure or fun?

Cheers Mateyboys,

Carlos :D Simply a typo that hopefully some kind mod will change. Well noticed though!! :lux:

[Il Padrino]

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one
of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he
heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and
ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.

"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men
see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.

If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting
for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave,
stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while and then spied a
third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was

thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the
Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo!

Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing
off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....


















(Get ready, its good),
























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by Il Padrino
(Get ready, its good) That was a little fib mate!!

[Gosling]

They asked me to run in a half-marathon for ******* children. I wasn't keen at first, but then I thought bollocks, I might win it.

[CPFC Gangster]

Originally posted by Gosling
They asked me to run in a half-marathon for ******* children. I wasn't keen at first, but then I thought bollocks, I might win it.

LOL :p

[CarlosTheFinger]

Originally posted by smileysmith
:D Simply a typo that hopefully some kind mod will change. Well noticed though!! :lux:

It's probably just how you interpret it, like the half full/empty glass thing. I'm the joke of society and read it as such:sob:

I suggest you claim it was deliberate and just that, so you can sell it to the psychological world for megabucks!:p

Cheers Moneyboys,

Carlos

[biggus mickus]

Two planeloads of volunteers left Liverpool airport for New Orleans today, to assist in the looting.

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by biggus mickus
Two planeloads of volunteers left Liverpool airport for New Orleans today, to assist in the looting. :D

[Selhurst Celtic]

A four year old child walks into the bathroom where his mother has just come out of the bath. Being a prudish family she quickly covered her naked body in a towel but was seconds too slow.

"Urrggghhh! Mummy mummy... what was that"
Uttered the little'un, pointing directly at his mothers crotch.

"Erm, Urrr, that's where daddy got me with an axe"
Replied the embarassed mother.

"Cor, he's got a great shot. He got you right in the C##T!"
Said the boy.

[Kevan Woz Awful]

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain 's MI-6 for help.
MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[CPFC Gangster]

Originally posted by Kevan Woz Awful
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain 's MI-6 for help.
MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

lol an oldie but a goodie :lux:

[palace_crystal]

Q: What did the lepper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip

[CPFC Gangster]

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[EagleSE24]

Horse walks into a bar,
The barman says 'why the long face'?
Horse says 'I've got AIDS'.

[cpfc1976]

Olden but Golden in my opinion!!

What has a woman and a kfc got in common?

A couple of nibbles on the breast and you have got a nice greasy box to stick your bone in!!

[t_appletart]

brought a muslim doll the other day. damn thing blew itself up on the bus!

[mrgins]

Originally posted by EagleSE24
Horse walks into a bar,
The barman says 'why the long face'?
Horse says 'I've got AIDS'.
I hate to be thick, erm...I don't get it:o

[Selhurst Celtic]

Who was the last english person to f##k the aussies and bring the ashes home?















Paula Yates.

(sorry)

[BrianF]

It might be on here already but.........

A woman says to her husband "what's reincarnation?

He says "it's when you die, you come back as something else"

She says "that sounds good, I'd like to come back as a pig"

He says " you're not listening............."

[fwied wice]

Dont think its on here... I like it!

[ukjay_29]

Ted walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: £2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50
HAND JOB: £10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving
drinks to a meager looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers Ted, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies: "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.

:D:D

[gabors trousers]

lol

[Jonboy]

.

[Baloo]

"Doctor, doctor, I think my wife is dead!"

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

[PJJY]

The greatest joke of all time in my opinion is.

Knock Knock

Who's There

The Interrupting Cow

The Interrupting Cow..

MOO!





Quality joke by charltonhater

[PJJY]

a man walks into a bar...............thud

[Seba]

There are four people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.

In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks, " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again"

[Il Padrino]

:D

[Il Padrino]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

[Wait for it....................]









Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

[Coulsdon Eagle]

Originally posted by Il Padrino
:D Attachment: tourette.jpg that's quality :p :p

[Gosling]

Originally posted by Il Padrino
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

[Wait for it....................]









Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

:D That one really did make me LOL! I'll use that.

[t_appletart]

http://www.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/beavisbushcheny.jpg

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by Seba
There are four people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.

In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks, " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again" I like that. :p

[gadford4th]

A mother is walking down the street with her three kids. The eldest pipes up, "Mummy, how come I'm called Apple?" The woman looks at the child and says, "Because just after you were born an apple fell on your head, so we decided it was appropriate."

Soon after, the second child questions her, "Mummy, how come I'm called Soap?" The mother looks at the petulant youngster and says, "Because just after you were born, a bar of soap fell on your head, so we decided it was nice, sssh now."

The third child looks up at the mother, and with a puzzled look says, "Murgh, meurgh meurgh mur mur meurgh meurgh mur mur?"
The mother looks at the child and says, "SHUT UP FRIDGE!"

[Trilby]

Originally posted by howard
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,
past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little b*st*rd on the phone, I'm
lost and need directions."


__________________________________________________ _________ :D

[Son of Selhurst]

A bloke goes to the zoo and the only animal they have there is a dog.

It was a shitzu.....

[Kenny Ransom]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[Isle of Wight]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden he smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that poofter sh1t in our garden" she said.

[hihi]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSe xPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please

And the flip side...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby
4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash
Husband 1.0.


In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[Debaser]

bloody love that joke, its excellent! especially the bit about mother-in-law!

[howard]

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally
gobsmacked.
She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an'that.
But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.
They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they'rewise men from the East End.
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an'
myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'
It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You
better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So
they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

APPY CRIMBO!

[BrianF]

A massive 6'5" 20 stone scouser is sat at a bar on his own enjoying a quiet pint, this little guy walks up to him leans over and whispers in his ear "fancy a bl0wj0b"? the scouser, outraged, picks the guy up by the scruff of the neck and beats him in the face to the door, then kicks him outside into the carpark where he stamps on his head a few times.
The scouser calmly walks back in and starts sipping his pint as though nothing has happened.
The barman walks over to him and says "wow that was a bit drastic, what did he say to you"?
The scouser replies "I dunno, something about a job"

[mydesign11]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog
said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you
wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said,
"That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also
make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman
and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful
Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,"I'd like a
mild heart attack."

The moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!

[Nelson Muntz]

Due to Manchester Uniteds sad exit from Europe this week, there will be one minutes laughter at all Premiership and CCC games this weekend.

[mydesign11]

Originally posted by Nelson Muntz
Due to Manchester Uniteds sad exit from Europe this week, there will be one minutes laughter at all Premiership and CCC games this weekend.

Only a minute! Thats not fair!:sob:

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by Nelson Muntz
Due to Manchester Uniteds sad exit from Europe this week, there will be one minutes laughter at all Premiership and CCC games this weekend. :p :D :lux: :lux:

[Rob Fox]

It's nearly Christmas, and happens to be the day that the bin men are due.

Mrs Numptie hears the wagon outside her back gate and goes out to see them. She asks the first bin man if he wanted a shag? "OK" said the binman and he gave here one. She then proceeded to ask all the other binmen the same question and got laid a further five times. Then she went up to the cab of the wagon and gave the driver £5. "What's this for?" he asked. " It's for you" she replied. "As my husband was leaving for work this morning he said "Don't forget it's bin day, and as it's Christmas,give the driver £5 and f*** the rest of 'em!!"

[Coulsdon Eagle]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates, said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those symbolize Christmas?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

[Mel B]

Originally posted by smileysmith
OK ... I wanna pick up some new jokes, so post your best here ...

I'll kickstart the action ...

Did you hear about Mick Hucknall getting caught having sex with a rabbit?

Apparently he was 'holding back the ears' ...
... and the 'bunny was too tight to mention'!

:D well, i laughed!

Paddy and Murphy walking down the street.
Paddy falls down a hole.
' is it dark down there Paddy '
' dunno Murphy i cant see '

Paddy and Murphy walking down the street.
Paddy gets knocked over.
' Murphy Murphy call me an Ambulance '
' Paddy is an Ambulance Paddy is an Ambulance.

Ps. Ho ho ho ho.

[007]

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

[Coulsdon Eagle]

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:

Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de 'ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted
'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".

"What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?"

She replied: "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire."

[Selhurst Celtic]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b*****d! You waltz in here, flop your fat backside down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh s**t, it's started"

[t_appletart]

How did Pinochio find out he was made of wood?


His hand caught fire.

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by Selhurst Celtic
The husband sighed. "Oh s**t, it's started" :lux: :D Quality!

[Nelson Muntz]

Saddam Hussein has been found guilty of crimes to humanity.The Judge has ordered him to be placed where he can't be a threat to anybody.

He starts up front for Millwall on Saturday.

[Eye-dee]

Red neck in America talking to his mate,

"I found a young girl tied to the railway tracks last night, so I untied her, and carried her back to my place, and do you know, we had the best sex ever"

"Really Jed! Was she a pretty girl"?

"Dunno Jake, I never found the head"

:D

[Il Padrino]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a
huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is
attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two
chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the
lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the
bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows
what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat
anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps
with mushy bees."

[u8mygoat]

The Chief of a tribe of cannibals is walking with his son in the woods by their village. As they come to a clearing they spot a beautiful woman sat on the ground.

The son says to the Chief "Look dad! Can we take her home and eat her?"

The Chief replies "No son. Let's take her home and eat your mother."

[BrianF]

Just in case you do the shopping - BE WARNED!

I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Tesco in Shepherds Bush and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

[Eye-dee]

:D

[Selhurst Celtic]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "And when did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago"


And, courtesy of the ooh aah Daily Star yesterday:

A Yorkshire bloke were walking down t'road with his wife when he walked passed t'shop window. He looked in and said "That's the one I'd get" and the next thing he were having a reet punch up with cyclops.

[Gosling]

Back in the age of the Pharoahs, the ruler of the mighty city of Babylon commissioned a ziggurat to be built at the edge of the city to serve as a lookout tower in case of foreign attack. The watchman at the top of the ziggurat held a torch at the ready, and at the first sign of trouble he would use it to light a signal fire, rallying all of the city's armed forces.

The trouble was, the watchman was only human, and one evening while he was out for a pee a group of miscreant children snuck up to the top of the tower and lit the signal fire, putting the whole town on red alert for nothing.

The ruler of Babylon was incensed, and decreed that henceforth the torch would be kept behind a locked grate, to which only the watchman had a key. After that, Babylon slept peacefully, with no more false alarms.

Thus was invented the first childproof ziggurat lighter.

[smileysmith]

Bloke comes home from work, walks past his wife and sits down in his armchair. He says to his missus "Get me a beer, luv, quick - before it starts".

Slightly put out, but for now willing to please, his wife gets him a beer from the fridge. The bloke drinks it down in one, and says again "Quick, get me another one, luv, before it starts".

She stomps off to the fridge huffing, but brings him back a beer. Slight scowl on her face. The bloke grabs the beer and downs it in one again. He again turns to his missus and says "Quick, luv, get me another - it'll definitely start in a minute ..."

She glares at him, and erupts "What will start in a minute?!? Dammit, man, you stomp in, sit down, demand I get you beer after beer, no 'hello dear, how was your day?', no 'hi, luv, lets go out and eat, save you having to cook', you are a poor excuse for a husband ... you don't look after me, don't care how I feel ..."

Bloke looks at his wife, shakes his head and says "Damn. It's started"

[Selhurst Celtic]

Originally posted by Selhurst Celtic
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b*****d! You waltz in here, flop your fat backside down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh s**t, it's started"

Keep up SS! :p

[Coulsdon Eagle]

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Stigma]

Voted best joke of the Year in Australia

Alex walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by Selhurst Celtic
Keep up SS! :p :D oops!

[kiralyspyjamas]

What do you call a VW Golf with two chavs in that falls off a cliff?






A shame, there's room for 3 more in the back!

[PJJY]

Joe walked into a chippy with a cod under his arm,he said to the man behind the counter "oi, mate do you do fish cakes?" the man replies "course we do mate" joe says "thank god its his birthday (pointing at the cod)!"

[Selhurst Celtic]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

The invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids were nothing to look at either.

A termite walks into a bar and asks: "Is the bar tender here?"

[Eye-dee]

Originally posted by Stigma
Voted best joke of the Year in Australia

Alex walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

:lux: :D

[Eye-dee]

Originally posted by Selhurst Celtic
A Yorkshire bloke were walking down t'road with his wife when he walked passed t'shop window. He looked in and said "That's the one I'd get" and the next thing he were having a reet punch up with cyclops.

:confused: ??

[Eye-dee]

Originally posted by Selhurst Celtic
Please don't make jokes about dyslexia. They're not clever or furry.

:D :lux:

[Reps AJ]

Originally posted by Eye-dee
:confused: ??

I didn't get it either :(

[Coulsdon Eagle]

Originally posted by Reps AJ
I didn't get it either :( Northern accent? "that's the one eyed git"

[Diggers digs in?]

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He lay awake at night wondering if there was a Dog

[t_appletart]

In 1972, a young girl was borm with just a head. She was loved by her family, and they made sure her life was as normal as possible, but needing a rest from the constant care they gave her, they had a holiday once a year. 19999,, they went to switzerland. where during dinner, they got chatting to a surgeon, who informed them that there was now an operation, where they could attach a fully working body.
They cut the holiday short, rushed home.."honey, we have a surprise for you"









"its not another ••••••• hat is it?"

[grey ghost]

Originally posted by t_appletart
In 1972, a young girl was borm with just a head. She was loved by her family, and they made sure her life was as normal as possible, but needing a rest from the constant care they gave her, they had a holiday once a year. 19999,, they went to switzerland. where during dinner, they got chatting to a surgeon, who informed them that there was now an operation, where they could attach a fully working body.
They cut the holiday short, rushed home.."honey, we have a surprise for you"









"its not another ••••••• hat is it?" :p

[Rumplestiltskin]

why did the baker have brown hands??
he kneaded a poo!

:o

[Rumplestiltskin]

2 blondes were standing on opposite sides of a river. One calls out,
"how do you get to the other side", only for the other to reply,
"you are on the other side!"

[Ruskin Old Boy]

More puns:

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Selhurst Celtic]

Two eggs are boiling in a pan, one male and
one female.

The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack!"

"No good telling me," replies the male egg,

"I'm not hard yet."

[nottsunieagle]

A Bear, a Lion and a Chicken are discussing who of them is the baddest, most feared animal.

The bear speaks: "I'm the scariest animal - when i roar, the forest cowers in terror"

The lion declares: "No, i'm the scariest animal, for when i roar, the jungle is frightened"

To which the chicken replies: "Guys, that's nothing - i'm the scariest animal"

The lion and the bear laugh mockingly, "and how are you the scariest?"

The chicken says "Well, when i cough, the whole world shits itself"

[howard]

George Bush had a heart attack and died. Obviously, he went to hell where the devil was waiting for him.

I'm not sure what to do," said the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was TonyBlair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." Commented George.

The devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

[Selhurst Celtic]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his
first day there he takes off his clothes and
starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde
Walks by, and the man immediately gets an erect!on.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him
and says, "Did you call
for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if
you get an erect!on it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming
pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets
him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's
facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a
huge, hairy man lumbers out
of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for
me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a
rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man
easily spins him around, bends
him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office,
where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she
says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can
have the key back and you
can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for
a few hours. You haven't
had the chance to see all ourfacilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I
only get an erecti0n once
a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

[Henfield Eagle]

Originally posted by nottsunieagle
A Bear, a Lion and a Chicken are discussing who of them is the baddest, most feared animal.

The bear speaks: "I'm the scariest animal - when i roar, the forest cowers in terror"

The lion declares: "No, i'm the scariest animal, for when i roar, the jungle is frightened"

To which the chicken replies: "Guys, that's nothing - i'm the scariest animal"

The lion and the bear laugh mockingly, "and how are you the scariest?"

The chicken says "Well, when i cough, the whole world shits itself" :lux: :D :D :D

[danibutcher]

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always comes in a box!

Have you heard of the new Benefits Doll?
You wind it up and it doesn't work.

[kiralyspyjamas]

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?




A Blowjob with Handlebars.

[kiralyspyjamas]

What do you call a welshmen with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp

What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under 1 arm and a goat under the other?
Bisexual

[Il Padrino]

In the dead of summer, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot,
dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh . . . if I go down three
inches . . . I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "gosh . . . if that fly goes down
three inches, I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking,
gosh . . . if that fly goes down three inches . . . that fish will
jump for the fly . . . and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches . . . and that fish leaps for it . . . that bear
will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and
then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake,
but I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "gosh . . . if that
fly goes down three inches . . . and that fish jumps for that fly . . .
and that bear grabs for that fish . . . the dumb hunter will shoot the
bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought (as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around
lunchtime), gosh . . . if that fly goes down three inches . . . and that
fish jumps for that fly . . . and that bear grabs for that fish . . . and
that
hunter shoots that bear . . . and that mouse makes off with the
cheese sandwich . . . then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling
mist of the water . . .

The fish swallows the fly . . .
The bear grabs the fish . . .
The hunter shoots the bear . . .
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich . . .
The cat jumps for the mouse . . .
The mouse ducks . . .
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is . . . .
Whenever a fly goes down three inches . . . some pussy is probably in
danger

[smileysmith]

Originally posted by Il Padrino
The moral of the story is . . . .
Whenever a fly goes down three inches . . . some pussy is probably in
danger :D Quality. I love long winded jokes ...

[Il Padrino]

olden but golden

The Italian who went to New York

When I arrive in Niu Yok, I go to da restaurant for da breakfast, and da waitress only gimme onne piss of toast, so I say to da waitress: "I want to piss", and she say to me: "Go to da bathroom", and I say: "No, you donna understand, I want to piss on da table now", and she say to me: "You better not piss on da table, you sonnovabitch".

Then I go to another restaurant for da lunch and da waitress gimme a spoon and a knife, but she gimme no fok, so I say to da waitress "I wanna fok", and she say to me "Everybody wanna fok", and I say: "No, you donna understand, I wanna fok on da table now", and she say to me: "You fok yosself, you sonnovabitch".

Then I go to da hotel fo da night, and on ma bed there is da cover, but there is no shit, so I telephone and I say: "I want to shit", and they say to me: "Go to da bathroom", and I say: "No, you donna understand, I want to shit on da bed now", and they say to me: "You better not shit on da bed, you sonnovabitch".

So in da morning I go to da airport to go back to Italy, and da man at da ticket counter say to me: "Peace to you", and I say: "No, piss to you, you ••••in' american, I go back to Italy".

[007]

http://www.martinrothonline.com/birdfluupdate/images/yobs.jpg

[eddieskyclad]

Two lions walking through Harrods.

One says to the other "It's quiet in here for a Saturday".

[lin-wallington]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing,
He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your f.....g cat."

[grey ghost]

sorry in advance

why was the pie hanging around the street corner



















cos it was meat n potato







coat on n out the door

[kiralyspyjamas]

Did you hear about the blind circumciser?













He got the sac

[Il Padrino]

A Polish man moved to the UK and married a British girl. Although
his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one
day he rushed into a solicitor's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him - "very quick!!."

The solicitor said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend
On the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Solicitor: "Have you any grounds?"

Pole: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

Solicitor: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?

Pole: "It made of concrete."

Solicitor: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

Pole: "No, we have driveway, and not need one."

Solicitor: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

Pole: "All my relations still in Poland."

Solicitor: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

Pole: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

Solicitor: Does your wife beat you up?"

Pole: "No, I always up before her."

Solicitor: "Is your wife a nagger?"

Pole: "No, she white."

Solicitor: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

Pole: "She going to kill me."

Solicitor: "What makes you think that?"

Pole: "I got proof.

Solicitor: "What kind of proof?"

Pole: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put
on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

[Baloo]

Hang your head in shame, Mr Padrino.

[danibutcher]

How do you make a dog drink?

Stick it in a blender

[Oddjob]

Part of the roof has just collapsed at a Tesco store in Liverpool and 60 scousers have been killed.

A Tesco spokesman said 'Every little helps'

[Ouch that Hurt!]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, " I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?" He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[007]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

[007]

http://www.office-humour.co.uk/g/i/3664/

[007]

http://www.office-humour.co.uk/g/i/3923/

[Debaser]

The best one of the three was the second one- and I've seen that one before.

[Selhurst Celtic]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest: "Father,
it has been one month since my last confession. I've had s*x with
Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say
three Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green
twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's
Eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits
Down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with
Matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy whisperingly carefully and asks: "Is that
Fannie Green?"

The altar boy pauses for a short while then replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection
off her shoes".

[The Bishop]

How do you kill a circus?........






go for the juggler.