Daily funny

[Les Butler]

Teasers jokes and a few pics here and there......................


http://girard4.ckt.net/ehowatest/wholetthedogsout.jpg

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[Les Butler]

http://lesbutler.homestead.com/files/Trollman.jpg
Trolley.....

[Raggy]

> > Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe

> in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at
> >a traffic light.
> > Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of
> the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
> > "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
> > says Sister Helen.
> > Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings
> on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
> > "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the
> > Vatican," says Sister Helen.
> > Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
> > water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the
> nuns.
> >
> > "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn."Show him your cross," says Sister
Helen.
>
>
>..Wait for it....
>
>
>
> > "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and
shouts, "Get the **** off our car!"

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[Les Butler]

http://lesbutler.homestead.com/files/Charlton_car.jpg

[Vince Hilarious]

Keep trying Les, the anticipation is killing me....


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-------------------------
David Mellor is a fat fella and knows as much about football as Uri Geller.

[Egg Sample]

>> > > This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning,
>peacefully
>> > > enjoying
>> > > himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the
>back
>>of
>> > > his head with a huge frying pan.
>> > >
>> > > MAN: "What was that for?"
>> > >
>> > > WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the
>> > > name Marylou written on it?"
>> > >
>> > > MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
>races?
>> > > Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
>> > >
>> > > The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work
>>around
>> > > the house.
>> > >
>> > > Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and
>she
>> > > repeats the frying pan swatting.
>> > >
>> > > MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?"
>> > >
>> > > WIFE: "Your horse phoned."
>> > >
>
>
>
>
>

[Sussex Eagle]

Was under the impression that this was daily! Keep it to palace ones Les, as anyone can get da others @ funny.bla-bla.com (http://funny.bla-bla.com)

[Les Butler]

http://lesbutler.homestead.com/files/guna.jpg

For some odd reason the main BBS's wanted to kill each other on this day(way back).

[Al From Bromley]

The horse is a bit of a luxury for a Charlton fan isn't it Les?

[Sussex Eagle]

Aah but it doesn't have any hooves!

[Les Butler]

http://lesbutler.homestead.com/files/PIEMANmiller.jpg

[Les Butler]

http://lesbutler.homestead.com/files/Brighton.jpg

Brighton supporters "Club"
meeting

[Egg Sample]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
> her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
> boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for
the
> first time.
>
> Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he visits
> the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for
about
> an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
> sex. At the
> register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy:
> a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
> The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
> busy, it being his first time and all.
> That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his
> girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents.
> Come on in!"
> The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
> parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
> A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
> Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after
> twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and
> whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
> The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
> pharmacist."
> __________________________________________________ ________________
>
>
>
>

[Egg Sample]

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
> store.The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the
> sun.
>
> "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his
> interview.
> "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.
>
> The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the
> next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the
> boss said.
> The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock.
> The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and
> exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss
> asked.
> "One," said the lad.
> "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on
> my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
> How much was the sale worth?"
> "Exactly $101 334.53" said the young man.
> "How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
> "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
> hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I
> sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and a huge one. I asked him
> where he was going fishing, and he said
> he was going down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I
> took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot
> Chris Craft with twin engines.
> Then he said his Honda Civic probably would not be able to handle the
> load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1
> ton pickup truck."
> "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked
> in astonishment.
> "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained.
> "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him,
> 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.'"
>
>
>
>
>

[Les Butler]

http://lesbutler.homestead.com/files/oldkevyuk.jpg

[Al From Bromley]

Nice one as usual Les. I've always had a thing about the way girls run. There is no logical explanation for it.

Not all women run like that, but the ones that do are funny

[Les Butler]

If you have some time to waste
http://www.killfrog.com/
Nuffing to do with my french Wife !

[sombrero]

Originally posted by Al from Bromley on 04-01-2000 09:53 AM
The horse is a bit of a luxury for a Charlton fan isn't it Les?


thats a bit ripe coming from you, in the middle of clowntown central http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/wink.gif

[Les Butler]

Brown Nose Required ,does this remind you of anyone we know ???????
brownnose or brown-nose


VERB: 1. Informal: To support slavishly every opinion or suggestion of a superior: bootlick, cringe, fawn, grovel, kowtow, slaver, toady, truckle. Informal: apple-polish, cotton. Slang: suck up. Idioms: curry favor, dance attendance, kiss someone's feet, lick someone's boots.

Kiss ass .(That was mine )


This is commonly referred to outside the industry as 'being sucked up
to'. This practice is typically performed by a person of low or
irrelevant technical standing wishing to distinguish themselves by their
presence and input at meetings for which they have a minimal or no
understanding. Complimenting and Agreeing with senior staff and their
poorly thought-out plans is the typical implementation of this
position. The position is typically advertised under a job-pseudonym
and regraded without notification by other members of staff, usually at
a departmental social function to which the applicant is not invited.

Position Requirments

* Applicants are to be familiar with the following phrases:

- Really? That's a great idea!

- Oh, I agree wholeheartedly!

- That's such a good plan, it's surprising that no-one thought of
it before!

- You know, without you this place would fall apart!

- Of course, he's bound to say that because he's not as aware of
the full ramifications of the problem as we are.

- Is this far enough up?

* Applicants should have relevant experience in:

- Work Avoidance

- Evading Real Issues

- Vocalising the word "Yes"

* Applicants should NOT possess any of the following:

- Social Skills

- Technical Competance, except in remembering irrelevant facts

- Conscience

- The sense god gave the common doormat

* Applicants MUST possess the following:

- A "gushy" affirmative manner

- The "Chameleon Factor" -- the ability to assume the characteristics
and mannerisms of senior staff

- An immunity to RSI of the jaw and ear (due to the large amount of
talking and listening in place of working and producing)

- A diehard loyal attitude which cannot be swayed, except by other
senior staff, absence of senior staff, public opinion,
office-bribery,
an unfavourable comment at the office party, an invite to the office

party or invite to clean up after an office party.

- Exceptionally high morals which will not be swayed except by public
opinion, office-bribery, senior staff, office party comments &
invites
or the possibility of getting their photo or name in some technical
journal.

- Homing skills allowing the applicant to orbit senior staff and
thereby
avoid the unlikely event of having to produce work output.

A working knowledge of Anal Interfacing would be beneficial.

Position Future

The future of the position is similar in an least one respect to the
senior staff member reported to, in that it is 'open-ended'. It is
dependant entirely upon performance, but a successful applicant might
expect salary increases for no appreciable performance improvement,
several extra important-sounding position titles, and business cards to
reflect the multitude of managerial positions that they will assume.

The salary scale is expected to be within the range of
ludicrously-overpaid to how-the-****-do-they-get-away-with-this?

Applications should be made on the toilet paper assigned and be
accompanied by the applicants CV (which should detail only the
applicants name and address) and a 2 page essay on why this
advertisement was exceptionally well written and how we appoint such
exceptional personel officers.

[Stephenson Soundbyter]

Yes Sir


Im surprised nobody has thought of this way to liven this thread before.


Its brilliant

You should be a professional writer with your undoubted skill...


I shall return as soon as I finish cleaning your toilet if that is okay sir

[Les Butler]

er ??? I don't get it ? oh! but you don't ither http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/sarcblink.gif

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/MONOADESA.jpg

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/Kevab.jpg

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/trusta.jpg

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/weddinga.jpg

[Les Butler]

Okay I bow to demand ,if you want smut .....
http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/Fmn.jpg

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/kittens.jpg

[sombrero]

ROFL - classic !! nice one les http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/smile.gif

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/025a.jpg

[Monty]

You are a sick, sick man.

And why are you not on MSN we want a late night chat!

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/devilab.jpg
Two sides to a story.......

[PalaceFan in Alabama]

Originally posted by Les Butler on 05-15-2000 06:19 PM
http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/weddinga.jpg

I could not find a duck, so I had to do with a Chicken. The only bird who can wake me up on time and have fresh eggs for my breakfast!

[Les Butler]

Not only do they do it with animals they eat there young - uns god damn it !http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/surprised.gifhttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/supergrin.gif

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/catab.jpg

[PalaceFan in Alabama]

Originally posted by Les Butler on 05-20-2000 07:55 PM
Not only do they do it with animals they eat there young - uns god damn it !http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/surprised.gifhttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/supergrin.gif

Why should one eat an Old one, when there are some many uns around? http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/surprised.gifhttp://www.cpfc.org/ubb/supergrin.gif

Strange French person that you are! http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/surprised.gif

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/boothstephaaaa.jpg

[richit]

I could definately do with one of those stamps.

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/realitya.jpg

[Dobbo]

Nice one Les. How long have you two been married ?

[Clapham Grand]

Q: You're stuck in the woods with one match to light your
fire. As you strike it, it breaks in half. What do you do?

A. Phone Hansie. He fixes matches.

[Les Butler]

Screw Noades,"Fat Pat",???Lim??? and Jordan.

I played glad all over on this thing

(Must have a sound card )
http://www.gibbleguts.com/fartingdog/fartingdogs.html

Try it, its a "howl"

[Gooders]

Earthquake.

Last night (20-Jun-00) at 9:28pm BST, scientists at the British Geological Survey recorded an earthquake measuring 4.7 on the Richter Scale. The tremor which was detectable throughout the world, had it's epicentre in England and is thought to have been caused by 21 million people shouting the word "******" simultaneously.

[GoringEagle]

Originally posted by Les Butler on 06-25-2000 04:02 AM
Screw Noades,"Fat Pat",???Lim??? and Jordan.

I played glad all over on this thing

(Must have a sound card )
http://www.gibbleguts.com/fartingdog/fartingdogs.html

Try it, its a "howl"

Excellent, Les.

I found "God Save the Queen" a bit easier.

[Les Butler]

http://www.ampland.com/humor/india.jpg
What the f....

[Les Butler]

http://www.ampland.com/humor/mp3.jpg

www.napster.com

[Les Butler]

Nazis and Retards: Coincidence? Naaaaah.

http://incolor.inetnebr.com/kramsey/classic/nazitard.htm

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/ibisa.jpg
Nuff said.......

[GreatGonzo]

One day John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
> meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome John's roommate
> was.
> She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
> this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening,
> while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was
> more between John and his roommate than met the eye.
> Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
> thinking, but I assure you, Justin and I are just roommates."
> About a week later, Justin came to John saying, "Ever since your
> mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
> gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
> "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
> So he sat down and wrote:
> Dear Mother,
> I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm
> not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
> remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
> Love, John
> Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:
> Dear Son,
> I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Justin, and I'm not saying
> that you 'do not' sleep with Justin. But the fact remains that if he
> was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by
> now.
> Love, Mom
> Lesson of the day .....Don't Lie to Your Mother

[Neil MacQueen]

Originally posted by Les Butler on 07-15-2000 04:27 PM
http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/ibisa.jpg


Quite right Les, especially about the ATB 9pm, they are always remixing that one!



------------------
A nice pint (of Fosters)in the Moon and Spoon

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/flipover.jpg
One for James.

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/office_assistant.gif

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/meeting.jpg

OR.... http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/title.gif

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/dressed.jpg

[Will we Wont we]

A couple of funny mails for you...

A man arrives in his office one morning to find his colleague
> roaring with laughter. "What's the big joke?" the man asks.
>
>
> "Well" his colleague replies, "I had a hilarious Freudian slip this
> morning."
> "What's a Freudian slip?" asks the man.
> "It's when you mean to say something, but what comes out is what
> is really on your mind. So, this morning I was queuing at the train
> station to buy a ticket from Tooting, and I noticed that the girl
> behind the counter had enormous breasts. When I got to the front
> of the queue, I asked for a return to Titting. The girl went bright
> red, I went bright red and the entire queue wet themselves laughing."
>
>
> "Oh right" said the colleague chuckling away.
>
>
> The next morning, the situation was reversed and the man arrived
> in the office first. He was chortling away to himself when his
> colleague arrived. "What's so funny?" asked the colleague.
> "Well," replied the man, "I've had one of your Freudian slips."
> "What happened?"
> "I was sitting in the kitchen this morning, having breakfast. I
> looked over at my wife and instead of saying 'Pass the milk, dear' I
> said 'F*ck off you fat b*tch, you've ruined my life'."

____________________________________________

"Mate Match"
On the TTT FM morning show in Tasmania, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match".

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize

One particular game, however, several months ago made Tassie drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down.

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on TTT. Have you ever heard of 'Mate-Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Sydney if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks,I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.

( 3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "RACT, Good morning."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with TTT FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of Hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Sydney, for 5 days on us. Tickets to the 'The Boy from Oz'. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Sydney.Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mum is staying with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer,please?"
Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Sydney."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

[Les Butler]

The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer:


And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalizer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

Did you happen to attend the "Barney Fife" Police Academy?

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends nightstand.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.

Gee,officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

"Aren't you the guy from the village people"
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song.

Either speak up or just leave me alone.

What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, man, you want a hit?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

[Les Butler]

S.H.I.T.
Special High Intensity Training
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than
anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not
take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation
Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.
seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.
S.H.I.T.). Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were
promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are
full of S.H.I.T. allready.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training
others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get
S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity
Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any questions, please
direct them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training
(H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/lordsavea.jpg

[SmithEagle]

http://www.geocities.com/theukgod/Dave.jpg

------------------
Support Crystal Palace Internet Football Club
http://www.cpifc.co.uk
Support the Mellor Out campaign
http://www.mellorout.co.uk

[SmithEagle]

http://www.geocities.com/theukgod/ADOPTED.gif

------------------
Support Crystal Palace Internet Football Club
http://www.cpifc.co.uk
Support the Mellor Out campaign
http://www.mellorout.co.uk

[Vic Eagle]

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his
skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could
dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would
recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet
hole he would even tell them what calibre rifle was used to shoot it.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument
was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they
would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded
him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a
few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and
declared, "And shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it (he
was right of course) and the
argument was even hotter than before. When someone started to suggest that
he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would
put up
all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for
him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they
brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his
car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion," and
fingering the bullet hole, said, "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right
again.
This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his
skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally
he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The
next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a
shiner.
So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too
drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get
this black eye?"
And his wife replied angrily, "From me, of course!"
"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your
hand down inside my pants.
Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone,
"Skunk, killed with an axe!"

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/tie.jpg

[Maxwell Eagle]

Apologies if this has been posted on here before but I can't be arsed checking. http://cpfc.org/ubb/smile.gif
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space
and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all
other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday
Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot
seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my
other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0 but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me,
please!!!

Thanks,
John

Tech Support response:

Dear John:

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a
primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by it's creator to run
everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still
convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system
would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is
impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system
once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not
designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings
Alimony? Child Support" I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the

situation. I am thinking of having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnerships Faults
(GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for fault problems that might occur,
regardless of
their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command

C:/APOLOGISE

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will
have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return
to
normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take blame for all the
GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider
buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0, I
recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances,
install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application
for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating
system.


Best of luck
Tech Support



------------------
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder...

[Vic Eagle]

Three vampires walked into a bar one night. They sit down at the bar and the bartender asks the first vampire what he would like to drink. The vampire replies, "I would like a Bloody Mary, please."

So the bartender gets him his drink .He then takes the second vampire's order.
The vampire replies, "I would like a nice warm cup of blood." So the bartender sends an employee out back to shoot a chicken and drain his blood. The bartender then asks the third vampire for his order and he replies,"I would like a tall, hot glass of water." The bartender gives him a funny look because he is puzzled by this order. He says, "Why do you want water? You're a vampire, aren't you supposed to order something that has to do with blood?" The vampire holds up a dirty tampon and replies,
"I like tea."

[Les Butler]

http://www.ampland.com/humor/showing_off.jpg

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/Penal.jpg

[Les Butler]

10 Things People Would Do If They Swapped Genders

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.


Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...

1. Repeat number 9.

[HOPE]

This guy comes home from the olympics and gives his misses a souvenir pack of three for a present. One bronze one silver And one gold. That night they get down to some serious hanky panky when she declares "I think we should use the silver tonight" "Why" asks the man "because it will make a change for you to come second!!!

[James]

Wouldn't it work better with the caption 'mouse or pussy?' Les.

Just a thought
©DC All rights reserved

[Les Butler]

I thought I was just being sarky but you guys can choose which you want.
Pussy or cat ?

Discuss
©DC All rights

[Les Butler]

Mouse or Cat ?
http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/mousecat.jpg

[Psychokiller]

Feed your parasitic whore with:


http://www.geocities.com/pool001ca/mrsmajesty.gif



[This message has been edited by Les Butler (edited 19 October 2000).]

[Egg Sample]

Actually this is probably more sad than funny;

FACTS
>
> PYTHAGORAS'S THEOREM EMPLOYS 24 WORDS
> LORDS PRAYER 66 WORDS
> ARCHIMEDES'PRINCIPLE 67 WORDS
> TEN COMMANDMENTS 179 WORDS
> GETTYSBURG ADDRESS 286 WORDS
> US DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE 1,300 WORDS
> EUROPEAN COMMISSION REGULATION ON SALE OF CABBAGES
> 26,911 WORDS
>

[baroli]

If this has been posted before, I apologise:

An infant school teacher explains to her class that she's a Charlton fan. She asks the kids to put up their hands if they are Charlton fans too. Not really knowing what a Charlton fan is, but wanting to please the teacher hands explode into the air like fireworks. There is one exception though, a little girl called Lucy, who didn't go with the crowd. The teacher asks why she has decided to be different, "because I'm not a Charlton fan," replies Lucy.
"Then," says the teacher, "what are you?"
"Miss I'm proud to be a Crystal Palace fan " boasts Lucy.
The teacher is a little perturbed and asks Lucy why.
"Well my mum's a Palace fan and my Dad's a Palace fan so I'm a Palace fan" replied Lucy.
The teacher says angrily "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was a moron would you be a moron too?"
Little Lucy paused for a while then smiled and then replied " no miss then I'd be a Charlton fan.


------------------
Keep the Faith

[Les Butler]

Male Chauvinistic Jokes


1. Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow

3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

4. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

5. What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..!]

8. How many male sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

9. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..

10. (Sorry do not like hitting "Jokes" ,Les)

11. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

12. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

13. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

14. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

16. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

17. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

18. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

19. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

[Les Butler]

http://www.ernieshouseofwhoopass.com/pictures/starwarsmovie.gif

[Leicester Eagle]

Don't know how you got that working les, but its brilliant.
http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/biggrin.gif

[Psychokiller]

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening.
Before too long, the cops pull him over.
The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly
fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

[Neal k]

Bloke walks into a pub with a steering wheel around his waist. The barman says whats with the steering wheel, the bloke says I know its driving me nuts!

[Les Butler]

http://www.ampland.com/humor/dreamgirl.jpg

[David Murray]

That T that she is holding up to her face, anything to do with our Kevin ? Is this a clue to whom the young lady is ?

[Les Butler]

Originally posted by David Murray:
That T that she is holding up to her face, anything to do with our Kevin ? Is this a clue to whom the young lady is ?

F*ck me Murry(a),If you feel that she is a "young lady" your nearly as bad (and as old)as James sending in the dodgy old photo's of yourselfs.

[David Murray]

She only had 3 tyres Les, so she has to be in her 30's and yes that is classed as young nowadays ! Well, let's face it, 40 is young and 50 is, well, not even middle aged ! Now if this happens to turn out to be one of the female species from the BBS you are really in the stinky stuff !

[Les Butler]

The Chicken Chow Mein Was Good, Until I Got The Fortune Cookie!
http://www.ampland.com/humor/chinachic.jpg
Hey, has anybody seen my cat?

[David Murray]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when
his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in
County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially
declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how
big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there
is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire
dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army
waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor
from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen
thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army
has increased to two million men since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am
sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a
chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[Leicester Eagle]

Things written by Bart Simpson on the Blackboard

I will not waste chalk
I will not waste chalk
I will not waste chalk
I will not waste chalk
I will not instigate revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a play thing
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not trade pants with others
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off (Written in an "Olde English"-style font)
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will not squeak chalk (Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this)
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas Pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and pointless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not teach others to fly
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
I will not call the principal "spud head"
Goldfish don't bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
No one is interested in my underpants
I will not sell miracle cures
I will return the seeing-eye dog
I do not have diplomatic immunity
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
I am not deliciously saucy
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
There are plenty of businesses like show business
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Beans are neither fruit nor musical

[Leicester Eagle]

21 Things That Never Happen in Star Trek


1.The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
2.The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
3.Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.
4.The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.
5.The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7.The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
8.An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9.A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12.The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13.A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
14.The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15.Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16.Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17.The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18.Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. **** my personal favourite
19.Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20.Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
21.A crew member in a red jersey from the Security team lasts throughout the entire episode.

[David Murray]

Dental Extraction

A man walked into a dentist's office one day and asked the
dentist how much it would cost to extract his wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist said.
"Why that's a ridiculous amount," the man replied. "Isn't
there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist said, "if you don't use an anesthetic,
I can knock it down to about sixty dollars."
"That's still too expensive for me," the man complained.
"Okay," the dentist tried, "if I save on anesthesia and
simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get
away with charging twenty dollars."
The cheap customer moaned, "It's still too much for me."
The dentist scratched his head. "Hm," says the dentist,
scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for
the experience, I suppose I could charge you just ten
dollars."

"Wonderful!" said the man. "Book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[Leicester Eagle]

Idiot Olympic Questions

Here are some of the original questions that were asked of the Sydney
Olympic Committee via their Web site, and the witty Ossie answers that go
with them.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question,
who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth -
to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in
Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started
about a year ago to get there in time for this October...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one...

Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you
let her in? (South Africa)
A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most
national parks...

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: Another blonde?

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one... there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between
Austria and Australia.

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Leicester Eagle]

Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do
things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He
had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general
go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out
for coffee.
He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large
thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up
the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he
said.
The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a
few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about
six cups to me."
"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black,
and two decaf."

[Leicester Eagle]

Pitty These aren't genuine, but they are still very funny.

Absurd Warning Labels

Every Sunday the Washington Post runs an amateur humor competition called the Style Invitational ... a new contest is begun and the results from a previous contest are announced. What follows are the contest results reported in... The Washington Post May 14, 1995, Sunday, Final Edition Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for common products.

We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard windshield sun shade -- Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.

Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata: On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions

On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)

On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas)

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel, Washington)

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)

On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of $ 4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown)

On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville)

On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).

[David Murray]

Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?

So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.

[TOP CAT]

Bus load of Scousers goes over a cliff, all dead. So they all approach St.Peter outside the Pearly gates with a view to entering Heaven.

"'ello can we come in like St.Peter?"

SP; "Well, normally we don't let in Scousers, but I'll have a word with boss".

St.Peter goes up to God and says;

"There's 40 Scousers wanting to come in, what do I do?"

God says; "Well we don't usually let them in, I'll you what, tell them we'll take the ten most righteous".

So St.Peter goes back to the Pearly gates, but comes running back to God and says; "They've gone!". "What?" says God, "The Scousers?"

SP; "No, the Pearly gates!"

[David Murray]

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together
in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went
through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in
the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing
noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman
were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand
against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia
Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss
me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes
through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English
******* again."

[David Murray]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening
when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with
a piece of paper in his hand.
The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very
sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone
for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with
the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper,
and pressed the start button.

"Thank you so much!" said the CEO. "I need two copies."

[baroli]

A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. On the
second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and sinks, but the
guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce
of strength, swims a few miles through the shark infested sea to a remote
island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head
and sees a woman lying near him,unconscious, barely breathing. She's also
managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way over to
her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks at him, wide eyed and grateful and says,"You saved my life, I'm so grateful, you're my hero."

He suddenly realises the woman is Cameron Diaz. Days and weeks go by. Cameron and the guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's plenty of fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cameron's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum."
What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cameron, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it
on. "Now would you put on my trousers?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,

...........................................
"Mate! You'll never believe who I'm shagging!!"



------------------
Keep the Faith

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/cartoons/reallesbos.jpg
I hate it when this happens........

[David Murray]

He laid her on the table
So white, clean and bare
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
and then drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms
and then he stuffed the turkey.

[David Murray]

A woman came home early from shopping one day and found her husband in bed
with another woman. She was shocked and furious. Just as she was about to
storm out of the house and head to a lawyer's office, her husband stopped
her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this came
about. I was driving down the highway when I saw this sad woman. She was
tired and bedraggled so I brought her home and made her a meal from the
roast beef you forgot was in the refrigerator. She was wearing worn out
sandals, so I gave her a pair of shoes you discarded because they were out
of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your
birthday but you never wore because the colour wasn't right. Her jeans
were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you haven't worn in a long
time because they didn't look good on you. After thanking me, she was about
to leave when she turned to me with a smile and asked, Is there anything
else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

[ruediger]

ROFL - women .....

[Del Boy]

This is truly awful, but I can't resist it!

Good King Wenceslas rings Pizza Hut and says, "I'd like to order a pizza"

"Certainly, your highness. And how would you like it?"

"Oh, deep pan, crisp and even!"

Thank you!!!!!!!

[Les Butler]

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/cartoons/moo.jpg

[David Murray]

Once upon a time there was an young man who professed his desire to become
a great writer.

When asked to define "GREAT" he replied, "I want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional
level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

Scott Bass now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[David Murray]

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.

How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.


How are tornadoes & marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking
& blowing, & in the end you lose your house.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run,jump & swim are already in the US.

What 3 words do you dread most while making love? "Honey, I'm home."

What's so good about an Ethiopian Blow-job? You know she'll swallow.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

What did one gay sperm say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this ****?

What did the elephant say to the naked man? It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the ass & say, "You're next!"

Why did God invent alcohol?
So ugly people can get laid.

Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..

Why do women have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.

Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?
The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator and goes to bed.
The married man comes home, sees what's in the bed,and goes to the refrigerator.

[Psychokiller]

Q: What do you call a dog with no nose?

A: Daniella Westbrook.

[David Murray]

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for
some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to
visit the ladies room and found a strange looking woman sitting at
the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out
our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say
something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But be warned, for if you
say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of
nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror,
the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an
instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us
three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde
looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly
sucked into the mirror.

[David Murray]

What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three
Wise Men?

They would have:

asked directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole, and
brought practical gifts.

But what they would have said when they left...?

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my ass! I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?


That reminds me of that joke about Mary meeting St Peter at the pearly gates.

St Peter asks Mary, "Tell me Mary, between us. Did you ever have any regrets
in life?"

"Well .. " she starts, then pauses. "No . . . just forget it ".

"Oh go on", her persists. "I won't tell"

"Oh - alright" she says, taking a deep breath .

"The truth is . . ." she pauses

St Peter leans more closely.

"I always wanted a girl."

[David Murray]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1 You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking
them.
2 You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3 a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed
4 You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5 You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks
Copenhagen is your capital.....
6 You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a
national tradition.
7 You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8 You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still
you've never seen your neighbours.
9 If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started,
blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10 Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1 You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2 If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3 You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4 You are either
a.like the Dutch, just less efficient
b.like the French, just less romantic
c.like the Germans
5 Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6 No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and
French and they make fun of you.
7 More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8 You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9 All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or
sex-offenders
10 Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's
countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just **** in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and
nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour
ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly
spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories
about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe
you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Give them a second chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to
jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10.Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second
Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't
have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning.

[Skid Row]

Oh bugger, I didnt want those two crusty old bitches to get a geurnsey. Sorry about that folks.

[Les Butler]

Nuffing funny but some thing to mess with..

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/cartoons/license_001215000856_28276.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/cartoons/Palacefanin.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/les_butler58/cartoons/Albrom.jpg
http://www.acme.com/licensemaker/licensemaker.cgi?text=&state=Texas

[David Murray]

Aint this the truth..
http://www.acme.com/licensemaker/licenses/license_001215035007_8790.jpg

[Baloo]

TOP 20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

> >> >1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
> >> >2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
> >> >3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
> >> >4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
> >> >5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
> >> >6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
> >> >7. Plagiarism saves time.
> >> >8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
> >> >9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
> >> >10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
> >> >11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
> >> >12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
> >> >13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
> >> >14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
> >> >15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
> >> >16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
> >> >17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
> >> >18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
> >> >19. Succeed in spite of management.
> >> >20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

[Ooops, apologies for number 4 - a bit careless of me!)

[This message has been edited by Baloo (edited 15 December 2000).]

[Kevin T]

http://www.acme.com/licensemaker/licenses/license_001215100539_82002.jpg

[ruediger]

what does that X stand for, David?

[David Murray]

You should go to the site and check out some of the examples they have - Butler has his name up there right in the beginning !

[Dodgy Ken]

http://www.acme.com/licensemaker/licensemaker.cgi?state=California&text=Dodgy+Ken+the+Lawyer&plate=1945

[David Murray]

A koala from Australia decided to take a vacation to New York City to
enjoy a different culture. After arriving in New York and getting
settled in at his hotel, the koala decided to take a walk.
After touring this adventurous city for a few hours he noticed
several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff.
The koala approached one of them and asked, "What are you doing?"
The woman replied "I'm a prostitute. Are you looking for a good
time?"
The koala immediately replied yes.
"Do you wanna have sex?" the prostitute asked.
"Well, sure. I mean, I did come here to live up the true New York
experience," said the koala with a grin on his face.
The prostitute grabbed the bear's hand and directed him to her
apartment where they had sex. Soon after, the koala got out of bed
and proceeded to the door. The prostitute yelled, "Where are you going?"
The koala told her that he was done and it was time for him to go.
"I'm a prostitute. You have to pay me!"
The koala said with a disgusted tone, "Since when do I have to pay
for sex?"
The prostitute replied, "Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It's
in the dictionary, look it up."
The koala agreed to pull out a dictionary from one of her shelves
to look up the word "prostitute." It said, "A woman who has sex in
exchange for money."
The prostitute immediately started to chuckle and asked for her
money.
The koala then remarked, "Okay, to make it even, why don't you look
up the word koala ?"
The prostitute grabbed the dictionary and looked up "koala." The
koala said, "Go ahead, read it aloud!"
The prostitute read the definition out loud. "An Australian animal
that eats bush, shoots and leaves."

[Egg Sample]

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight???
>
>WIFE: That sounds like a great idea!!! Why don't you stand at the sink and
>do the dishes and I'll lay on the sofa and fart!!!

[David Murray]

English 101

A linguistics professor was attempting to teach his class something about the rules of grammar. "In English," he said, "a double-negative forms a positive. But in other languages, such as Russian, a double-negative is still a negative."
Smoothing his beard and looking down his nose at the class,
he continued, "However, there is no language wherein a double-positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the classroom interrupted. "Yeah, right."

[Les Butler]

I think it was Shakespeare that said 'Londoners' destroy the English language init but if he were alive today he would think again............. http://www.engrish.com/
Go to recent discoveries.

[RobbieB]

There were two blondes in a bar.The first said to
the other "why do you have the letters R and L
written on your shoes?" She replied "I have R on
this shoe so I know it goes on my right foot and
L on this shoe so I know it goes on my left foot!"
OH!She replied. "So thats why I've got C&A
written in my knickers then!"


A blonde out with a guy parked in Lover's Lane.
They start to make out and the guy asks if she
wants to go in to the back seat and she says "NO".
The continue to make out he has her bra off and
again he asks and again she says "NO".
They go back to making out and he has her panties
around her knews and the finger going anf he asks
a third time, "Do you want to go in to the back
seat?" again she says "NO".
Then he asks "Why Not?" and she says ---
"Because I am having too much fun up here with
you.".

[James Verrinder]

A worried voice on the Doctor's telephone declared, "A mouse ran up my
wife's honeypot!"
The Doctor replied, "I'll be over in ten minutes. In the meantime, try
waving a piece of cheese between her legs".
When the Doctor arrived at the house, he was welcomed by the couple's young
son, who showed him upstairs to the bedroom. There on the bed sat a frantic
woman, legs spread wide, while her husband waved an open can of tuna over
her opening. The Doctor cried, "Idiot, I said to use cheese!"
The man retorted, "I know that you fool...but I've got to get the cat out
first!"

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home
residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said
she was rather upset because her sex life had really dies out since she she
and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her
sex life was great!

"I put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he
gets so excited! We have wild sex all night!"

"Is that right?" said Ethel. "Well then, I'm going to try that tonight".

That evening, While Ethel's husband is in the bathroom getting ready for
bed, she takes off all her clothes. And although ti's a struggle, she
manages to get one leg up and behind her head. With some effort, she finally
gets the other leg behind her head as well. No sooner has she accomplished
this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a
shocked look on his face he yells,

"For God's sake, Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like
an asshole!"


There's this Cowboy who arrives in a little town, enters the saloon and
screams, "I want a woman, I wanna f*ck!"
"Welcome" says the owner, "We have Rosy the Red who f*cks like three witches
for only $30"
"She's wonderful" says the Cowboy "but I don't have so much"
"No problem, for $20 Blondie the Blond sucks your cock out of your
underwear!" replies the owner,
"She's pretty, but I don't have so much",
"No problem, for $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand 'til
morning!",
"She's nice, but I don't have...",
"Well how much do you have?" says the owner, now losing his
patience,
"Er...a quarter!" replies the Cowboy,
"A quarter? Okay, all right. Room 22, upstairs"
The Cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed he sees
a beautiful young woman lying with her legs wide open. He jumps on her and
begins doing the business. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and says to the owner;
"I....I think I've got a problem"
"What about?" says the owner,
"Well, you know the young lady in room 22...I was having fun on her, and
suddenly she turned her face and threw up a white mass....."
"Oh shoot!" said the owner who then turned to his butler, "John, go change
the corpse in room 22, it's full again!"

[David Murray]

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving
her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her private
parts and notices that there is a response on the
monitor when she touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened,
telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral
sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll
close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines..no
pulse..no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants
and says, "I think she choked."

[walderslade eagle]

This is a bit groan making, but it also made me chuckle...

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very
pretty and he liked her a lot.* One day he went to work to find a new girl
had
started.* Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.* He became
quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was
interested in him too.* But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do
anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.* He
decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it
on with the new girl.* He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he
couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the
river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river.* The current
carried her off and she drowned.* The guy stopped for a moment by the river
and then ran off * smiling and singing.......

get ready, it's a cracker.............


absolute genius...........


"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

[wedgetail]

Fulham wrap up promotion but their celebrations end in tragedy when
owner Mohammed Fayed hires a chauffeur to drive the team down the players tunnel.

Emile Heskey and Michael Owen appear on a special football celebrity
edition of Can't Cook Won't Cook and win plaudits for their roast baby quail.
"It was almost as if they'd practiced making a meal of the tiniest fowl,"
says an impressed Ainsley Harriot

[walderslade eagle]

Originally posted by wedgetail:


Emile Heskey and Michael Owen appear on a special football celebrity
edition of Can't Cook Won't Cook and win plaudits for their roast baby quail.
"It was almost as if they'd practiced making a meal of the tiniest fowl,"
says an impressed Ainsley Harriot

They're also going to star in a new program "Can't score Won't score"

[walderslade eagle]

Originally posted by wedgetail:


Emile Heskey and Michael Owen appear on a special football celebrity
edition of Can't Cook Won't Cook and win plaudits for their roast baby quail.
"It was almost as if they'd practiced making a meal of the tiniest fowl,"
says an impressed Ainsley Harriot

They're also going to star in a new program "Can't score Won't score"

[Son of Selhurst]

I have a complaint.

These daily funnies aren't.

[Glaws Eagle]

These three blokes are sitting in a room smoking pot. After a few joints
they run out of cannabis, so one of the blokes stands up and says,

"Look, we've got loads of tobacco - I'll just nip into the kitchen and make
one of my speciality spliffs." So he goes into the kitchen, grabs some
cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices, grinds them up and then rolls
them into a spliff. Then he goes back into the other room and hands it to
one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within
seconds he passes out. After ten minutes he's still out cold, so they decide
to take him to hospital. When they get there, he's wheeled away into
Intensive Care. A few minutes later the doctor returns and asks,

"So what was he doing then? Cannabis?"

"Well, sort of," replies one of the blokes. "But we ran out
of gear, so I made a homemade spliff."

"Oh," says the doctor. "What did you put in it?"

"Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices."

The doctor sighs. "Well, that explains it."

"Why, what's wrong with him?" asks the bloke.

"He's in a korma."

[Glaws Eagle]

These three blokes are sitting in a room smoking pot. After a few joints
they run out of cannabis, so one of the blokes stands up and says,

"Look, we've got loads of tobacco - I'll just nip into the kitchen and make
one of my speciality spliffs." So he goes into the kitchen, grabs some
cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices, grinds them up and then rolls
them into a spliff. Then he goes back into the other room and hands it to
one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within
seconds he passes out. After ten minutes he's still out cold, so they decide
to take him to hospital. When they get there, he's wheeled away into
Intensive Care. A few minutes later the doctor returns and asks,

"So what was he doing then? Cannabis?"

"Well, sort of," replies one of the blokes. "But we ran out
of gear, so I made a homemade spliff."

"Oh," says the doctor. "What did you put in it?"

"Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices."

The doctor sighs. "Well, that explains it."

"Why, what's wrong with him?" asks the bloke.

"He's in a korma."

[Glaws Eagle]

These three blokes are sitting in a room smoking pot. After a few joints
they run out of cannabis, so one of the blokes stands up and says,

"Look, we've got loads of tobacco - I'll just nip into the kitchen and make
one of my speciality spliffs." So he goes into the kitchen, grabs some
cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices, grinds them up and then rolls
them into a spliff. Then he goes back into the other room and hands it to
one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within
seconds he passes out. After ten minutes he's still out cold, so they decide
to take him to hospital. When they get there, he's wheeled away into
Intensive Care. A few minutes later the doctor returns and asks,

"So what was he doing then? Cannabis?"

"Well, sort of," replies one of the blokes. "But we ran out
of gear, so I made a homemade spliff."

"Oh," says the doctor. "What did you put in it?"

"Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices."

The doctor sighs. "Well, that explains it."

"Why, what's wrong with him?" asks the bloke.

"He's in a korma."

[wombat]

Originally posted by Glaws Eagle:
These three blokes are sitting in a room smoking pot. After a few joints
they run out of cannabis, so one of the blokes stands up and says,

"Look, we've got loads of tobacco - I'll just nip into the kitchen and make
one of my speciality spliffs." So he goes into the kitchen, grabs some
cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices, grinds them up and then rolls
them into a spliff. Then he goes back into the other room and hands it to
one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within
seconds he passes out. After ten minutes he's still out cold, so they decide
to take him to hospital. When they get there, he's wheeled away into
Intensive Care. A few minutes later the doctor returns and asks,

"So what was he doing then? Cannabis?"

"Well, sort of," replies one of the blokes. "But we ran out
of gear, so I made a homemade spliff."

"Oh," says the doctor. "What did you put in it?"

"Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices."

The doctor sighs. "Well, that explains it."

"Why, what's wrong with him?" asks the bloke.

"He's in a korma."


Oi!! It wasn't funny first time!

[David Murray]

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at
a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture
depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park
bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a
pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the
Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this
painting? I'm the artist who painted it."

The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand
why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the
middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black
penis."

The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting.
They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one
in the middle went home for lunch."

[Glaws Eagle]

Originally posted by wombat:

Oi!! It wasn't funny first time!

That is sooooooo embarrasing. I always think people who "double" post haven't quite grasped the basic use of a PC.

As for "treble" posting .........

My button got stuck. Honest.

[David Murray]

DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
kitchen department of a large department store.
"What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold.
Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next
Training session.
"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly.
"It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed.
"What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold," says David.
"And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.

---------------------------------------------------------

DAVID Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts
happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done
This jigsaw in only 57 days."
Is that good?" asks Posh.
"You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."

[Les Butler]

http://www.ampland.com/humor/012401.jpg

[David Murray]

THE SEX WAR (WILL BE APPRECIATED BY ALL)


I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't eat yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my friends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
And now it's time for a rebuttal


****************


I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you,roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding,I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!


PS - Send this to 3 people in 24 hours and you will have great sex this
weekend with the person of your dreams. If you do not you will have
bad luck and terrible sex for the rest of your life.
Isn't that called "Marriage?!?"

[David Murray]

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks
> around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The
> fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a
> couple of hours.
>
> The priest agrees.
>
> The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the
> priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father."
>
> After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get
> it in the boat.
>
> The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!"
>
> Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"
>
> Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry, Father,
> but that's what the fish is called: -- a sonofabitch."
>
> Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know."
>
> After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops
> the Bishop.
>
> Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
>
> Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
>
> Priest: "No, you don't understand! That's what the fish is called and
> I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
>
> Bishop: "Hmmm, you know I could clean this sonofabitch and we could
> have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and
> takes it to the head mother.
>
> Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
>
> Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
>
> Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, a sonofabitch!
> Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it."
>
> Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
>
> That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great
> and asks where they got it.
>
> Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch."
>
> Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch."
>
> Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch."
>
> The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off
> his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table and
> says, "You know, you ******s are alright!"
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the
> orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they
> have any final questions.
> The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
> "Yes," says the rabbi, "for modesty reasons, men and women
> dance separately."
> "So I can't dance with my own wife?"
> "No."
> "Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
> "Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
> "What about different positions?" the man asks.
> "No problem," says the rabbi.
> "Woman on top?" the man asks.
> "Why not?" replies the rabbi.
> "How about doggie-style?"
> "Of course!"
> "Well, what about standing up?"
> "NO!" says the rabbi, "It could lead to dancing!"
>

[Glaws Eagle]

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several
weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a
vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the
sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around
and will, instead, lay down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep.

So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has
sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and
loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep
still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at
the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are
laying in the grass.

No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the
horn."

[Teaser]

Sorry if some of these jokes have been up here before http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/smile.gif

From The Guardian:
"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist *******s". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. *******s has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made
out in his new name."

Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system
of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat *******' From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: "Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
>
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in
> >Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake
> from
> >the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as
> evidence
> >in a poisoning case.'
>
> >From The Times: 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of
> >inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A
> >coast-guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common
> >these days."'
>
> >From The Scottish Big Issue: 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked
> >each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of
> >Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but
> in
> >fact an Angus. "It was a lie", explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and
> always
> >will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other
> >Henrys - Jones and Dyer attempted to pull them apart. Several more
> Henrys
> >- Smith, Calderwood and Andrews became involved and soon the entire
> >convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually
> >broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
>
> >From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000
> Pounds
> >to Save Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into
> the
> >prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a
> better
> >life. We will be training them for new positions in
>
> >hotels."
>
> >From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologise for the error in the
> >last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective
> in
> >the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course
> >that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
>
> >From The Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked man
> on
> >the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he
> >produced a valid rail ticket."
>
> >An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a
> >trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people
> >watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo
> >and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded
> >wildly before other circus people realised what had happened.
>
> >An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed
> round
> >a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were
> >taken to hospital for treatment.
>
> >Following drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki
> passed
> >out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a
> joke.
> >Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it onto
> >his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.
>
> >After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51 year old
> >Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he
> put
> >12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them
> >through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.
>
> >An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely
> >when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was
> >undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an
> >unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks

[Teaser]

One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of
> smoked salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings,
> chipolatas,tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps descends on him from a
> great height and knocks him to the ground.
>
> "Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

[Teaser]

----------------- Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing
> associations throughout the UK:
>
>
>
> I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
> knob
> off.
>
> I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
> his
> foot in the hole in his back passage.
>
> ... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against
> my
> fence.
>
> I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
> think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
>
> My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
>
> I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
>
> Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
> and
> fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in
> September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the
> house.
>
> ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest
> are
> plain filthy.
>
> I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
>
> The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
> cleared.
>
> Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
>
> Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age
> pensioner
> and need it badly.
>
> I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
> 6am
> his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
>
> The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
> unsightly and dangerous.
>
> Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
> so
> please send someone round to do something about it.
>
> I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
> something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every
> night.
>
> Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
> wife.
>
> I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I
> still
> have no satisfaction.
>
> My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
> fungus
> growing in it.


[This message has been edited by Teaser (edited 07 February 2001).]

[Teaser]

Subject: Thats my boy !!


> Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that
> they are in love.
> One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to
> Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
> Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in
> love and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."
>
> Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
> "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
>
> Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies. "In
> Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
>
> Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
>
> "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.You'll
> need to support Susie."
>
> Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a
> week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a
> month, and that should do us just fine."
>
> By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
> thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to
> come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
> After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
> everything all figured out. I just have one more question
> for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of
> your own?"
> Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That's okay, I'll just keep
> shagging her up the a*se for now..."
> >

[Teaser]

PROVERBS FOR 2001
>
> 1. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: amateurs built
> the Ark, Professionals built the Titanic.
>
> 2. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
>
> 3. Love is grand; divorce is several hundred grand.
>
> 4. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should
> both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
>
> 5. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
> fears that this is true.
>
> 6. In just two days, tomrrow will be yesterday.
>
> 7. I always wanted to be a procrastination; I never got around to it.
>
> 8. I am a nutritional overachiever.
>
> 9. I am having an out of money experience.
>
> 10. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
>
> 11. A day without sunshine is like night.
>
> 12. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
>
> 13. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
>
> 14. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
>
> 15. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
>
> 16. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
>
> 17. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old
> because you stopped laughing.

[Teaser]

These are v. funny !!
1) At lunch-time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses
on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they
slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise
your voice.
3) Insist that your email address is:
Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if
they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little
synchronized chair-dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it
"IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for
sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's
what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with
the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the
brightness level lights up the entire work area.
Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically
after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't
rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the
same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does.
(This is especially effective if your boss is of the
opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell
them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs
me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a
tape of jungle sounds all day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't
attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 999 and ask if 999 is for emergencies.
24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling
name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I
Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
parking lot, yelling Run for your lives, they're
loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head
that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the
economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
30) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your
mother is here!"

And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity....

31) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book,
even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to
send them stuff like this.

[Teaser]

A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke Sitting at
>the
>bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
>
>He says, "Magic Bitter."
>
>She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After
>realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the
>man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?"
>
>He says, "Yes. I'll show you." So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out
>the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the
>window. She can't believe it.
>
>She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again." So he takes another drink
>of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and
>comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic
>Bitter. So the bloke says to the bartender, "Give her a pint of what I'm
>having." She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30
>stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies. The bartender looks up at
>the bloke and says "Superman, you're a tosser when you're pissed."
>

[Teaser]

-- Ducks in Heaven --

Three guys die together and go to heaven.....St. Peter says, "We only*have
one rule...don't step on the ducks." The guys enter to heaven and
see*ducks*all over, almost impossible not to step on a duck.

The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon St. Peter arrives*with
the ugliest woman the guy ever saw...St. Peter chains them
together*and*says, "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman
forever."

The next day the second guy steps on a duck...sure enough, St.
Peter*arrives with another ugly woman and chains them
together.

The third guy is very careful. He goes months and doesn't step on
any*ducks. One day St. Peter appears with this gorgeous woman,
blonde,*blue-eyed and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without
a*word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve this"?

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[Teaser]

Subject: Pearly Gates


> > > >> Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
> > > >>
> > > >> How'd you die? the first woman asks the second.
> > > >>
> > > >> I froze to death, says the second.
> > > >>
> > > >> That's awful, says the first woman. How does it feel to freeze to
> > > >> death?
> > > >>
> > > >> It's very uncomfortable at first, says the second woman. You get
> > > >>the
> > > >> shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
> > > >>eventually,
> > > >> it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift
> > > >>off, as
> > > >> if
> > > >> you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?
> > > >>
> > > >> I had a heart attack, says the first woman. You see I knew my
> > > >>husband
> > > >> was
> > > >> cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I
> > > >>ran up to
> > > >> the
> > > >> bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the
> > > >>basement,
> > > >> but no
> > > >> one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but
> > > >>no one
> > > >> was
> > > >> hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
> > > >>just as
> > > >> I got
> > > >> there, I had a massive heart attack and died.
> > > >>
> > > >> The second woman shakes her head. That's so ironic, she says.
> > > >>
> > > >> What do you mean? asks the first woman.
> > > >>
> > > >> If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still
> > > >>be
> > > >>alive.
> > > >>

[Teaser]

> A friend is having trouble with his system.
> >
> > Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2
> > which he'd used for years without trouble. However , apparently there
> > are conflicts between these two systems, the only solution was to try
> > and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off.
> >
> > But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with
> > several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and
> > Playboy
> > 6.0.
> >
> > Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0
> > has many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down
> > completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing
> > Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these
> > two
> > systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his
> > hardware.
> >
> > Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to
> > his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0.
> >
> > However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does
> > come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000.
> >
> > But imagine my friends disappointment though on discovering Wife
> > 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are
> > automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard drive and can not be deleted
> > - they then re-surface months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic
> > InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter.
> >
> > Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no
> > option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the
> > fault himself.
> >
> > The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop
> > browser Pro for new attachments - Hairstyle express needs to be
> > reinstalled every week.
> >
> > It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to
> > try, stating they are an illegal operation.
> >
> > When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or
> > runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called
> > Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.
> >
> > Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there
> > could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000,
> it
> > will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

[Teaser]

Tommy Cooper one-liners :
>
> Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your
> round."
> the other one says "so are you, you fat *******"
>
> Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
> "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
> Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
> One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up
> by the fuzz?"
> The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around
> by the tits"
>
> An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and
> done everything, and the time had come to depart
> from this world. After considering various methods
> of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion.
> The/quickest and surest way would be to shoot
> herself through the heart.
> The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly
> where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor
> and asked him. He told her that her heart was
> located two inches below her left nipple.*
> She shot herself in the left kneecap.
>
> A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He
> picks the dog* up and starts swinging it around his
> head.* Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
> 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking around.'
>
> Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night
> I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick
> into the biscuit tin.* Do you* know what's wrong
> with me?
> Doctor : Yes ... 'you're f*cking crackers.'
>
> "Cos it's strange, isn't it.* You stand in the
> middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and
> everyone just stares at you.* But you do the
> same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
>
> "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of
> your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
> I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
>
> "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down,
> and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do
> you earn a living doing that?'
> He* said 'Yes, this my* livelihood.'
>
> "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says
> to me "Can you* give me a lift?"
> I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
> oyster, go for it.'"
>
> "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
> driving today.* They left a little note on the windscreen,
> it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
>
> "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I
> want to buy an ice-cream'.
> He said 'Hundreds & thousands?'
> I said 'We'll start with one.'
> He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
> I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in
> these trousers, yes.'
>
> So I went to the dentist.* He said "Say Aaah." I
> said "Why?"
> He said** "My dog's died.'"
>
> "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't
> they? The one I was in went back and forwards.*
> I thought* 'This is unusual'.
> And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of
> the filing cabinet.'"
>
> "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked>
> it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
> And a voice said 'You are.'"
>
> "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is
> that the local swimming baths?'
> He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>
> "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want
> a skip outside my house.'
> He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>
> "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
> And there are 5
> people in my family, so it must be one of them.
> It's either my* mum or my dad.Or my older brother Colin.
> Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
> But I think it's Colin."
>
> "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my
> boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
> And I swerved.* And then he rang up a second time
> and said "You've been promoted again.' And I
> swerved again. He rang up a third time and said
> 'You're managing director.'And I went into a tree.
> A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
> And I said 'I careered off the road.'

[Teaser]

> Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last
> minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at
> short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby
> looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of
> staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short
> notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his
> fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of
> staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a
> very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the
> soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to
> have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till
> finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the
> bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon,
> scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was
> desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he
> couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of
> passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as
> he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had
> stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
> As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her
> president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook".
>
> And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
>
>
>
> A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the
> manager shows him around, and explains that the company policy was to sell
> a product, with a product. The kid looked confused...so the manager said
> he would show him what he meant. Now, it just so happened that a customer
> approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed. "Certainly",
> pointing to the wide range of seed boxes, "and what sort of lawn mower
> would you like?" The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on
> "Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow, and you will need a
> lawn mower to cut it" "I hadn't thought of that", says the customer, "I'll
> take the lawn mower as well then" and the customer leaves the store happy.
> The manager then looks at the kid and says "Now do you understand our
> policy?" to which the boy replies "Yes...it's good" Just then, a bloke
> walks into the store. The manager says to the kid "Go on, you can deal
> with this guy". So the kid asks the bloke if he can help. "Yes" replies
> the guy hesitantly, "Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife."
> "Certainly", pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it, "and what sort of
> lawn mower would you like?" The customer looked baffled and the manager's
> face dropped, so the kid went on "Well, the weekend's ****ed...You may as
> well cut the grass"
>

[Teaser]

DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something
> > > interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store.
> > > "What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
> > > "What does it do?" asks Becks. The assistant tells him it
> > > keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham
> > > buys
> > > one
> > > and takes it along to his next training session.
> > > "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly.
> > > "It's a Thermos flask."
> > > The lads are impressed.
> > > "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things
> > > cold,"
> > > says David. "And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
> > > "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.

[Teaser]

DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something
> > > interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store.
> > > "What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
> > > "What does it do?" asks Becks. The assistant tells him it
> > > keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham
> > > buys
> > > one
> > > and takes it along to his next training session.
> > > "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly.
> > > "It's a Thermos flask."
> > > The lads are impressed.
> > > "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things
> > > cold,"
> > > says David. "And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
> > > "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.

[Teaser]

> > > > How to Shower Like a Woman
> > > >
> > > > Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper
> > > > according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
> > > >
> > > > Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen
along
> > > > the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
> > > >
> > > > Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
> > > > Complain and whine about getting fat.
> > > >
> > > > Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long
>loofah,
> > > > wide loofah and pumice stone.
> > > >
> > > > Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added
> > > > vitamins.
> > > > Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added
> > > > vitamins.
> > > > Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with
> > > > enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
> > > >
> > > > Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until
> > > > red raw.
> > > > Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
wash.
> > > > Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make
> > > > sure that it's all come off.
> > > >
> > > > Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide
> > > > to get it waxed instead.
> > > >
> > > > Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses
pressure
> > > > and turns red hot.
> > > > Turn off shower.
> > > > Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with
Tilex.
> > > > Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African
country.
> > > > Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
> > > > Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with
> > > >nails/tweezers
> > > > (if you can find them).
> > > > Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
> > > >
> > > > If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to
> > > > bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > How to Shower Like a Man
> > > >
> > > > Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
> > > >
> > > > Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while
> > > > shouting "W'hey!!"
> > > > Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
> > > > Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch balls and smell fingers
> > > > for one last whiff.
> > > >
> > > > Get in shower.
> > > > Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't need one.
> > > > Wash face.
> > > > Wash armpits.
> > > > Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
> > > > Wash balls and the surrounding area.
> > > > Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.
> > > > Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
> > > > Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see
> > > > self in mirror.
> > > >
> > > > Piss in shower.
> > > > Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor
> > > > because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
> > > > Partially dry off.
> > > > Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob
again.
> > > > Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
> > > > Leave bathroom light and fan on.
> > > > Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
> > > > If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and
>thrust
> > > > pelvis at her.
> > > > Put on yesterday's clothes.
> > >

[Teaser]

Subject: Sipping vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he
could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had
done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried
about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous,
I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took
a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his
return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred
to as daddy,junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off
his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he
said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not
say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

The origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good
luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks
the chain will have bad luck.

Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish
good luck. You will see that something good happens to
you four days from now if the chain is not broken.

[Teaser]

THE VALUE OF UNDIES
> > Here's your weekly safety brief.
> >
> > Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
> > vehicle... especially in public.
> > From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central
> > west couple who drove
> > their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking
> lot.
> >
> > The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed
> the car
> > there in the lot.
> > The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
> > On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
> under the
> > chassis.
> >
> > Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
> > parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment
> she
> > dutifully stepped forward,
> > quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into
> place.
> >
> > On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself
> staring
> > at her husband who had been standing idly by.
> >
> > The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
> >

[Teaser]

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man
> departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife
> the
> next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were
> looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
>
> Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the
> man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal
> to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the
> problem
> and it would do no good to complain.
>
> Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was
> having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as
> Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would
> arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool
> off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an
> error in the address.
>
> His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife
> whose even older husband had died only the day before.
> When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the
> monitor,
> let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family
> rushed
> to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
>
> Dearest wife,
>
> Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion
> at
> the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival
> tomorrow.
> Your loving husband.
>
> P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how
> hot
> it is down here.

[Teaser]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask
and
> >holding
> >> a
> >> > > > gun.
> >> > > > > He
> >> > > > > goes up to the nurse and demands her to
open the sperm
bank
> >> > > > > vault. She says "But sir, its just a
sperm bank!", "I
don't
> care,
> >> > open
> >> > > > it
> >> > > > > now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door
to the vault and
> inside
> >> > are
> >> > > > all
> >> > > > > the
> >> > > > > sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of
those sperm
samples
> and
> >> > drink
> >> > > > > it!",
> >> > > > > she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm
samples???" , "DO
IT!".
> >> > > > > So the nurse sucks it back. "That one
there, drink that
one as
> >> > well.",
> >> > > > so
> >> > > > > the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples
the
> >man
> >> > > takes
> >> > > > > off
> >> > > > > his ski mask and says, "See honey - its
not that hard."

[blondie eagle]

Simply fill in this application to go on the Jerry Springer Show:

Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right


Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher


Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________


Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet


Number of children living in household:_____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______


Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)


Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)


Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___


Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed


Model and year of your pickup: 196_


Do you have a gun rack?
If no, please explain:


Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun


Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____


How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable


Color of eyes: Right_____ left_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blonde
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol


Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A


Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
(_) Copenhagen

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) Just a whoop-and-a-holler!
(_) road?


Are you: Black_____ White_____ Fat_____


------------------
Love me, Love my team

[Teaser]

Subject: A Woman's Place...


> This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the
late
> 50's. -
>
> The Good Wife Guide.
>
> Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious
> meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him
> know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his
> needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good
> meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
>
> Prepare yourself
>
> Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives.
> Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He
> has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a
little
> more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your
> duties is to provide it.
>
> Clear away the clutter.
>
> Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your
> husband arrives. Gather up children's books, toys, papers etc. and then
run
> a dust cloth over the tables.
>
> During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire
for
> him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest
and
> order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort
> will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
>
>* Minimise all noise.
>
> At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or
> vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.
> Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please
him.
>
>
>* Listen to him.
>
> You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his
> arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember his topics of
> conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his.
>
> Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places
> of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of
strain
> and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Try to make
> sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your
> husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
>
> Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
>
> Don't complain if he's late home for dinner, or even stays out all night.
> Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
> Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have
him
> lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange
> the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and
> pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his
> judgement or integrity.
>
> Remember he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise
his
> will with fairness and truthfulness.
>
> Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal clear the dishes and
wash
> up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offer as he
> may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does
> not need the extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and
> interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any
> little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women's
> interests are often rather trivial compared to men's.
>
> At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again
> think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband's breakfast is vital if
he
> is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.
>
> The Bedroom
>
> Once you have both retired to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as
> promptly as possible.
>
> Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband
does
> not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train.
> But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look
that
> is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or
> hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last
> thing at night.
>
> When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband
it
> is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your
> commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately,
then
> so be it. In all things be lead by your husband's wishes; do not pressure
> him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress
> then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction
is
> more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a
> small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to
> indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.
>
> Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient
an
> uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is
likely
> that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing,
> freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products.
>
> You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the
> morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he
> awakes.

[Teaser]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent
> 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke
> into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in
> the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room
> and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman,
> and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
>
> Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the
> husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow,
> and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
> him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry.
>
> Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex
> with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you
> do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!.
> Be strong and I love you."
>
> After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
> "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't
> seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....
> He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute
> and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.
> Be strong and I love you, too."

[Teaser]

A man is driving along a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving
in the opposite direction on the road at the same time.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back,BITCH!
They continue on their way. As the man rounds the next corner, he crashes
full speed into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

[Teaser]

> > >Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive
> > >Through" cash
> > >point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without
> > >leaving their cars.
> > To enable users to use this new facility the following
> > >procedures have been drawn up.
> > Please read the procedure that applies to your own
> > >circumstances
> > >(i.e.
> > MALE or FEMALE)
> >
> > MALE Procedure
> > 1. Drive up to the cash machine,
> > 2. Wind down car window,
> > 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN,
> > 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw,
> > 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt,
> > 6. Drive off.
> >
> > FEMALE PROCEDURE
> > 1. Drive up to cash machine,
> > 2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window
> > >to machine,
> > 3. Re-start engine,
> > 4. Wind down window,
> > 5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat
> > >to locate card,
> > 6. Locate makeup bag and check makeup in rear view
> > >mirror,
> > 7. Attempt to insert card into machine,
> > 8. Open door to allow easier access to machine due to its
> > >excessive distance from the car,
> > 9. Insert card,
> > 10. Re-Insert card the correct way up,
> > 11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written
> > >on the inside of the back page,
> > 12. Enter PIN,
> > 13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN,
> > 14. Enter amount of cash required,
> > 15. Re-check makeup in rear view mirror,
> > 16. Retrieve cash and receipt,
> > 17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash
> > >inside,
> > 18. Place receipt in back of cheque book,
> > 19. Re-check makeup again,
> > 20. Drive forward 2 metres,
> > 21. Reverse back to cash machine,
> > 22. Retrieve card,
> > 23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
> > provided,
> > 24. Re-check makeup,
> > 25. Re-start stalled engine and pull away,
> > 26. Drive for 3 to 4 miles,
> > 27. Release the hand brake.

[Teaser]

> > SELLOTAPE
> >
> >
> Dave walks into the bar and sees his mate Jeff huddled on the bar,
> depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong.
> "Well," replies Jeff, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted
> to
> ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
> "Yes," replies Dave with a smile.
> "Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to
> ask her out, and she agreed."
> "That's great!" says Dave, "when are you going out?"
> "I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was worried I'd
> get an erection again. So I got some sellotape and taped my todger to my
> leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
> "Sensible." says Dave.
> "So I get to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell.
> And she answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
> "And what happened then?"
> Jeff huddles over the bar again.
>
> "I kicked her in the face."

[Teaser]

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his
> table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another
> table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the
> most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to
> her hoping that if she accepts it, she will be his.
>
> The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over
> to the woman saying, "this is from the gentleman."
>
> She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note
> to the man.
>
> The note reads: "For me to accept this
> bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a
> million in the bank, and 8 inches in your pants."
>
> The man, after reading this note, decides to send one
> of his own back to her. It reads: "Just so you know,
> I have a Mercedes AND a BMW, and more than TEN million
> in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweet-heart, would
> I cut 2 inches off my dick. So send back the bottle."

[Teaser]

Some Aussie Phrases (many of the more famous ones not included):

I'm hungry:
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a **** sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."

I'm thirsty:
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a **** with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

I need to go for a pee:
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

I need to do a poo:
"I gotta go give birth to a politician."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"gotta go lay a cable"
"Need to do a job for Telecom"

Vomit:
"Calling for George." (think about it)
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."

Insults:
"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and **** on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock." "So stupid that he wouldn't
know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk
backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in **** can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as **** on a stick."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, shes as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking **** off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"He thinks his **** don' stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck
chairs."
Compliments:
"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."

Yes:
"Does a fat dog fart?"
"Does a Koala **** in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a Cockatoo?"
"Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"

No:
"Pig's arse!!"

Assorted:
"Drilling for Vegemite."
"I'll have a super." (beer)
"Make mine an unleaded." (light beer)
"Going off like a frog in a sock." (try to picture this one)

[Teaser]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking the monkey jumps all around he place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it
whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,"He eats everything in
sight, the little *******. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He
finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then
leaves.


Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the
man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs
it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is
disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the
bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything

in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything
first."

[Teaser]

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got
> up
> to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
> Imagine her
> embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and boomed
> out
> for all the store to hear:
> PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.
>
> That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
> misunderstood
> the word Tampax for thumbtacks.
>
> In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address
> system;
> DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND THAT YOU BELT
> IN WITH A HAMMER ?

[Teaser]

> A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of
> going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
> spending his entire paycheck.
> When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a
> very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade
> befitting his actions.
> Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would
> you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
> To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
> Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and
> went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just
> enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
>
>

[Teaser]

POSH and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six
o'clock news.
The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension
Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says:

"David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!"
to which Beckham replies
"£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.
Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she
refuses.

"I can't take your money, David,"
she says.
"The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he
was going to jump."
"No, babe,"
says David.
"That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw
the five o'clock news, too.
I just didn't think he would do it again."

***

The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just
before the game, when Roy Keane walks in.
"Boss,"
he says,
"there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey,"
says Becks.
"If he's having a new car, so am I."

***

DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen
department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.

"A Thermos flask,"
replies the assistant.
"What does it do?"
asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next
training session.

"Here, boys, look at this,"
Beckham says proudly.
"It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed.
"What does it do?"
they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
says David.
"And what have you got in it?"
asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of coffee and a choc ice,"
replies David.

***

POSH takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The mechanic,
knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the the world, decides to play
a joke on her.

"You don't need me to take those dents out,"
he says.
"Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place." So
she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house, opens a
window and shouts:

"You daft girl! You have to wind the windows up first!"

***

DAVID Beckham is celebrating:
"57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily. Posh asks him why he is celebrating.
He answers:
"Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days."
"Is that good?" asks Posh.
"You bet,"
says David.
"It says 3 to 5 years on the box."

***

DAVID Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of
control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his
foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His head
continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow
down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was
giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworths' manager came along
and unplugged it.

***

POSH and Becks are travelling back from Heathrow Airport to Central London.
"Where have you been?" asks the cabbie.
"New York,"
says Beckham.
"We saw a show and did some shopping."
"Did you have any nice meals?"
asks the cabbie.
"Yes, one really great one."
"What was the name of the restaurant?"
asks the cabbie.
"Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London," says
Beckham.
The cabbie begins:
"Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria ..."
Beckham interrupts excitedly:
"That's it! Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to?"

[Teaser]

If Guys Ruled the World............
> > > 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a
'cheers
> > > for the sex - now **** off' would pretty much do it.
> > > 2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
> > > 3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only
> > > occur in leap years.
> > > 4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
> > > 5. The only show opposite 'Friday Night Football' would be 'Friday
> > > Night
> > > Football from a Different Camera Angle.'
> > > 6. Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'
> > > 7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
> > >
> > > 8. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
> > > 9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you
> > > responded
> > > with would actually reduce your fine. Example - Cop: 'You know
> > > how fast you were going?' You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer
> > > all over the place.' Cop: Nice one, that's 20 quid off.'
> > > 10. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
> > > 11. Every man would get four, real 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards per
> > > year.
> > > 12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
> > > 13. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
> > > she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball
> > > goes
> > > out
> > > ofplay.
> > > 14. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
> > > response to 'I love you.'
> > > 15. The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.
> > > 16. 'Sorry, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable
excuse
> > > for absence and/or poor time keeping.
> > > 17. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the
public
> > > ugliness ordinance.
> > > 18. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.
> > > 19. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
> > > 20. 'Fancy a shag' would be the only chat up line in existence and it
> > > would work every time.
> > > 21. Everyone would drive at least 100kph and anyone driving under that
> > > would be fined.
> > > 22. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in
> > > strippers and 2000 dollar a night hookers for the duration of those
> > > breaks.
> > > 23. Saying 'Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister' to your
> > > wife/girlfriend would get the response, 'What a great idea!'
> > > 24. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
> > > 25. Everyone would have real a Light Sabre and any disagreements would
> > > be settled by a fight to the death.
> > > 26. Vomiting after 20 scooners would actually make you more attractive
> > > to
> > > the opposite sex.
> > > 27. Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two
> > > Swedish milk maids.
> > > 28. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd
get
> > > to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flinstone.

[Teaser]

A Jono special!!

Some Seinfeld philosophy for you: Perspective on life according to George
Costanza:

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get
kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You
work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy retirement. You drink
alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School. You go to grade
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become
a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last 9 months
floating...then you finish off as an orgasm! Amen."

[Teaser]

This is funny.........


> >> VIZ NEW ENGLISH SLANG DICTIONARY, 2001
> >>
> >>
> >> Abra-Kebabra:
> >> A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food
> >> vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards,
> >> it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.
> >>
> >> Aussie Kiss:
> >> Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
> >>
> >> Back End of the Batmobile:
> >> The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really hot
> >> curry. "I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last
> >> night, and now I've got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge.
> >> My arse feels like the back end of the Batmobile."
> >>
> >> Beaver Leaver:
> >> or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.
> >>
> >> Beer Coat:
> >> The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a
> >> booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
> >>
> >> Beer Compass:
> >> The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
> >> after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where
> >> you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
> >>
> >> BOBFOC:
> >> Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
> >>
> >> Boiler Suit:
> >> The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with
> >> phallus aforethought, score with a Bobfoc last night. This charge
> >> is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on
> >> Saturday night.
> >>
> >> Bone of Contention:
> >> A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises
> >> when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his
> >> girlfriend.
> >>
> >> Breaking the Seal:
> >> Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of
> >> drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to
> the
> >> toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the
> night.
> >>
> >> Budgie's Tongue:
> >> or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag. The female
> >> erection.
> >>
> >> BVH:
> >> Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.
> >>
> >> Cider Visor:
> >> Beer Goggles for the young drinker.
> >>
> >> Cliterature:
> >> 1-handed reading material.
> >>
> >> Cock-A-Doodle-Poo:
> >> The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently,
> >> wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.
> >>
> >> Crappuccino:
> >> The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get
> >> when abroad.
> >>
> >> Double Bass:
> >> A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from
> >> behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one
> >> hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position
> >> is similar to that used when playing a double bass
> >> instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
> >>
> >> Etch-A-Sketch:
> >> Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both
> >> of her nipples simultaneously.
> >>
> >> Fizzy Gravy:
> >> or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.
> >>
> >> Flogging On:
> >> Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
> >>
> >> Free the Tadpoles:
> >> Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
> >>
> >> Frigmarole:
> >> Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
> >>
> >> ************************:
> >> The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at
> >> too high a speed.
> >>
> >> Going For a Mc****:
> >> Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of
> >> buying food, you're just going to the bog.
> >> If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration
> >> to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mc**** With Lies.
> >>
> >> Greyhound:
> >> A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
> >>
> >> Hand-to-Gland Combat:
> >> A vigorous masturbation session.
> >>
> >> Hefty Cleft:
> >> or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very
> >> large vagina.
> >>
> >> McSplurry:
> >> The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for
> >> a week in fast food restaurants.
> >>
> >> Millennium Domes:
> >> The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive
> >> when viewed from the outside, but there's actually ****-all
> >> in there worth seeing.
> >>
> >> Monkey Bath:
> >> A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
> >> "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
> >>
> >> Mystery Bus:
> >> The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while
> >> you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks
> >> away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly
> >> packed with stunners when you come back in.
> >>
> >> Mystery Taxi:
> >> The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
> >> before you wake up,whisks away the stunner you slept with,
> >> and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
> >>
> >> NBR:
> >> No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly
> >> in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
> >>
> >> Picasso Arse:
> >> A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks
> >> like she's got 4 buttocks.
> >>
> >> Sperm Wail:
> >> or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
> >>
> >> Starfish Trooper:
> >> or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.
> >>
> >> 10-Pinter:
> >> Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10
> >> pints.
> >>
> >> 2-Bagger:
> >> Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1
> >> to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their
> >> bag falls off.)
> >>
> >> Titanic:
> >> A lady who goes down first time out.
> >>
> >> Todger Dodger:
> >> A lesbian.
> >>
> >> Wank Seance:
> >> During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that
> >> you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
> >>
> >> X-Piles:
> >> Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
>

[Teaser]

>"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
>tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
>A death. What's that, a bonus?!? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
>You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old
>age
>home. You get kicked out when you're too young, go collect all your super,
>then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You
>work
>forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink
>alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary
>school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you
>become
>a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last 9 months
>floating with luxuries like Central heating, spa, room service on tap, then
>you finish off as an orgasm!"

[Teaser]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss
> each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air
> of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he
> says to her:
>
> "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
>
> Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
>
> Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
>
> Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
>
> Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
>
> Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
>
> Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
>
> Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
>
> Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
>
> Her: "No, no. I just can't"
>
> Him: "I beg you ... "
>
> Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister
> shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she
> says:
>
> "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. But
> for God sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

[Teaser]

> An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of
> > gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes
> > at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes
> > were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand
> > and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
> >
> > The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups:
> > males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a
> computer
> >
> > should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four
> > reasons
> > for their recommendations.
> >
> > The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as
> > masculine because:
> >
> > 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
> >
> > 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
> >
> > 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time,
> > they ARE the problem.
> >
> > 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
> > little longer, you could have had a better model.
> >
> >
> > The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be
> > referred to as feminine because:
> >
> > 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
> >
> > 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
> > incomprehensible to everyone else.
> >
> > 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
> > retrieval.
> >
> > 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
> > half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Bonnie]

Not sure if this one's been done before...

Be on the look-out for a new breed of 'Evil Red' computer viruses that could seriously affect your PC:

The Manchester United virus - This is where the computer develops a
memory disorder, and forgets about everything before 1993.

The Manchester United shirt virus - This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every 3 months.

The David Beckham virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus - Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise and the on-screen clock runs a lot slower than all the other computers in the building.

The Andy Cole virus - The computer is unable to get anything into the 'inbox'.

The Mark Bosnich virus - You just can't save anything.

The Ryan Giggs virus - The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuation in performance.

Aside from the red viruses, there are several other 'Premiership' viruses that you also need to be aware of:

The David James virus - Your PC will act as though it will save something, but then unexplainably lets you down at the last
second.

The David Ginola virus - The computer pretends to shut down, but then re-boots and is perfectly okay.

The Stan Collymore virus - This one is very hard to track down and is constantly on the move - has been known to boot-up
some Swedish models.

The Glenn Hoddle virus - Disables your PC, lets you down and then blames it all on its previous life as a calculator.

The Gordon Strachan virus - This one affects the spellchecker function in Word Processing software, highlighting thousands of errors that aren't actually there.

[Bonnie]

Not sure if this one's been done before...

Be on the look-out for a new breed of 'Evil Red' computer viruses that could seriously affect your PC:

The Manchester United virus - This is where the computer develops a
memory disorder, and forgets about everything before 1993.

The Manchester United shirt virus - This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every 3 months.

The David Beckham virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus - Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise and the on-screen clock runs a lot slower than all the other computers in the building.

The Andy Cole virus - The computer is unable to get anything into the 'inbox'.

The Mark Bosnich virus - You just can't save anything.

The Ryan Giggs virus - The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuation in performance.

Aside from the red viruses, there are several other 'Premiership' viruses that you also need to be aware of:

The David James virus - Your PC will act as though it will save something, but then unexplainably lets you down at the last
second.

The David Ginola virus - The computer pretends to shut down, but then re-boots and is perfectly okay.

The Stan Collymore virus - This one is very hard to track down and is constantly on the move - has been known to boot-up
some Swedish models.

The Glenn Hoddle virus - Disables your PC, lets you down and then blames it all on its previous life as a calculator.

The Gordon Strachan virus - This one affects the spellchecker function in Word Processing software, highlighting thousands of errors that aren't actually there.

[Les Butler]

http://www.ernieshouseofwhoopass.com/pictures/saudibobsled.jpg

[Teaser]

A man had great tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down,
another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest
sporting event , and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was
supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first
FA Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor --
to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head.

"No. They're all at the funeral."

[Teaser]

> >This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was
> printed in the Newsletter
> >of the British equivalent of the Workers'
> Compensation Board. This is a
> true
> >story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a
> Darwin Award for sure...
> >Dear Sir
> >
> >I am writing in response to your request for
> additional information in
> Block
> >3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor
> planning" as the cause of my
> >accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
> trust the following
> >details will be sufficient.
> >
> >I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the
> accident, I was working alone
> >on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I
> completed my work, I found
> >I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed
> later were found to be
> >slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the
> bricks down by hand, I
> >decided to lower them in a barrel by using a
> pulley, which was attached to
> >the side of the building on the sixth floor.
> >Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the
> roof, swung the barrel
> >out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down
> and untied the rope,
> >holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the
> bricks. You will note in
> >Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
> 135lbs.
> >Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground
> so suddenly, I lost my
> >presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
> Needless to say, I
> >proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
> building. In the vicinity of
> >the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
> proceeding downward at an
> >equally impressive speed. This explains the
> fractured skull; minor
> >abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in
> Section 3 of the accident
> >report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
> rapid ascent, not
> stopping
> >until the fingers of my right hand were two
> knuckles deep into the pulley.
> >Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence
> of mind and was able to
> >hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the
> excruciating pain I was now
> >beginning to experience. At approximately the same
> time, however, the
> barrel
> >of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of
> the barrel. Now devoid
> >of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
> approximately 50lbs. I
> >refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine,
> I began a rapid
> descent,
> >down the side of the building. In the vicinity of
> the third floor, I met
> >the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two
> fractured ankles, broken
> >tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower
> body.
> >Here my luck began to change slightly. The
> encounter with the barrel seemed
> >to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell
> into the pile of bricks
> >and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
> I am sorry to report,
> >however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
> pain, unable to move, I
> >again lost my composure and presence of mind and
> let go of the rope and I
> >lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
> journey back down onto me.
> >This explains the two broken legs.

[Teaser]

> >> Subject: POSSIBLY THE BEST BLOND JOKE OF THE
> YEAR!!!!!!
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >A blonde went into a world wide message
> center to send
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >a message to her mother overseas. When the
> man told
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
> "But
> I don't
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get
> a
> message to my
> >mother."
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >The man arched an eyebrow (as we would
> expect).
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >"Anything?" he asked.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >"Well then, just follow me" said the man
> as
> he walked towards
> the
> > > next
> > > > >> >room.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >The blonde did as she was told and
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >followed the man.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >"Come in and close the door" the man said.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >She did. Now get on your knees."
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >She did.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >"Now take down my zipper."
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >She did.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >"Now go ahead ... take it out ...."
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >She reached in and grabbed it with
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >both hands ... then paused.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >The man closed his eyes and whispered,
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >"Well, go ahead."
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >The blonde slowly brought her mouth
> closer...and while
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >holding it close to her lips
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >tentatively said...
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >"Hello, Mom can you hear me?

[Teaser]

> > Oh dear, it didn't take long.....
> >
> > GRAND OPENING
> >
> >
> > MUPLC - YANKEES MEGA STORE
> > (New York Stretford Singapore Shanghai)
> >
> > To celebrate our merger we offer the following quality products to
a
> > limited and exclusive clientele
> >
> > 'Beckham' Hotdogs
> > (Bland and very thick, cost a fortune)
> >
> > 'Posh' Hamburgers
> > (Very thin / no baps)
> >
> > The Texas Instruments 'Ferguson' Timepiece
> > (Gains five minutes every one and an half hours)

[Teaser]

> > > >An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking
about
> > their
> > > >sons.
> > > >"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.
> > > >"So we obviously decided to call him George."
> > > >"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was
born on
St
> > > >Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
> > > >"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman.
> > > >"Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
> > > >
> > > >

[Teaser]

> > > BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
> > > Age 3: Looks at herself and sees a Queen!
> > > Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as
> > > Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
> > > Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as
> > > Fat/Pimples/UGLY (Mom, I can't
> > > go to school looking like this!)
> > > Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too
> > thin,
> > > too short/too tall,
> > > too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going
> > > anyway.
> > > Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too
> > thin,
> > > too short/too tall, too
> > > straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't
> have
> > > time to fix it so she's
> > > going anyway.
> > > Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too
> > thin,
> > > too short/too tall, too
> > > straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I am
> > > clean and goes anyway.
> > > Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and
> goes
> > > wherever she wants to go.
> > > Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of
> > all
> > > the people who can't
> > > even see themselves in the mirror anymore. She
> > goes
> > > out and conquers the
> > > world.
> > > Age 70: Looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter
> > and
> > > ability, goes out and
> > > enjoys life.
> > > Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a
> > > purple hat and goes out to
> > > have fun with the world.
> > > Maybe we should all grab that purple hat
> earlier!
> > > In celebration of Beautiful Women's Month, send
> > this
> > > to five women. If you
> > > do, something good will happen. You will boost
> > > another woman's self-esteem !

[Teaser]

>A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter
evening.They
>looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there
>that night.
>
>Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what The
>admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through
>a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
>
>The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order
>with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table
near
>the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
>hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
>
>The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
>half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
out
>the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
>front of his wife.
>
>He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
>between them.
>
>As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to
>get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old
>couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
>
>As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over
to
>the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the
old
>couple to eat.
>
>The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing
>everything.
>
>Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
just
>sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
the
>drink.
>
>Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
something
>to eat.
>
>This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything
>together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face
>neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.
>
>Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After
being
>politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
>
>"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is
it
>that you are waiting for?" She answered...
>
>
>
>
>(keep scrolling)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>[This is is great]
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"The teeth".
>

[Egg Sample]

A real daily funny appears in the Companies section of todays F.T.
I think it's page 37, bottom left, an advert by The Bank of Ireland
"who are please to announce a decrease in their base rate from 5.75 to 6 %"
!

[Little Matt]

A redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after
the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the
bed, and says, "Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."

At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes,
jumps into his pickup , and drives home. He tells his
father what happened.

"Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough
for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

[James Verrinder]

SUC MI PAGODA
*****nese Cuisine
6969 Fellation Blvd.
Escondildo, CA 12698
281-6969

That's "Two ate one - Sixty-nine, Sixty-nine"
PORKING IN THE REAR
__________________________________________________ _______________

A LA CARTE
$2.69 each

CUM DROP SOUP
Fresh Every 2.7 Days

PEE YU PLATTER
Clothes Pins Extra

HOO FLUNG POO
Napkins & Raincoats Provided

SUC SUM TIT
Children's Special

YUNG POON TANG
No Take Out Orders Accepted


LUNCHEON SPECIALS
1. SUM YUNG CHICK..........$6.99
Different and Delicious
2. WON HUNG LO..............$6.99
Chinese Meatballs
3. SUM DUM FUC..............$9.69
Same - #1 But With Extra Sauce
4. CHU SUM ****............$16.99
Dinner - Parties Of 3 Or More
5. SUC MI PORK..............$9.69
Chef's Special
FUC YU MAN...............$6.69
Specialty Of The House

DINNER COMBINATIONS
1. GOO IN HAND...........$9.69
For Those Dining Alone
2. GOO WEE CHICK.........$6.99
Sloppy Seconds - No Charge
3. CUM TU SOON...........$6.99
Order Early - These Go Fast
4. SUC MI WANG...........$6.99
Traditional Chinese Meatloaf
5. SUM DUM CHICK.........$4.99
You Get What You Pay For
6. FUC MEI SLO...........$6.69
Not Available After 10PM
7. LIK MI CLIT...........$6.99
A Delicious Lick Smacking Oriental Delicacy
8. CHO KON IT............$9.99
Not For The Light Throated
9. FUC SUM NOW...........$6.99
For Those In A Hurry
10. WAI TU YUNG..........$4.99
Not Available On School Nights
*

[Teaser]

> > > Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to
> > > us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:
> > >
> > > When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch,
> > > guess what you do--you forward jokes.
> > >
> > > When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep in contact,
> > > you forward jokes.
> > >
> > > When you have something to say, but don't know what,
> > > and don't know how, You forward jokes.
> > >
> > > To let you know that: you are still remembered, you are
> > > still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for,
you are
> > > still wanted, and you're thought about, guess what you get?
> > > A forwarded joke from me.
> > >
> > > So my friend, next time if you get a joke or an e-mail from me,
> > > don't think that I have sent you just a joke, but that I have
thought
> > > of you today.

[Teaser]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

[Teaser]

Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they
are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick
says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at
least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the
day." Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th
hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the
rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost
ball carries a four-point penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his
pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he
announces triumphantly.

Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been
friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement. "I'll have you
know I've been standing on your ball for the last five
minutes!"

[Teaser]

Milo passed away and Bud called 911. The 911 operator told
Bud that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bud replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bud said, "How 'bout if I
drag 'er over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

[Teaser]

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted
thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get
rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit
we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his
guide dog bit me."

[Vivid Eagle]

A man out walking his Jack Russell ,dying for a pint.
Just about to go in the pub when he see's a sign on the door "No dog's allowed only guide dogs"
With that he finds an old pair of sunglasses in his coat and puts them on and walks in."Pint of lager please mate" to which the barman say's "Sorry mate, no dogs allowed" The man replies "But it's my guide dog" The barman answers "Guide dog's are normally Labradors"The bloke then say's "What they give me then?"!!!!

[Les Butler]

Farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.

With his entire livestock gone how would he make ends meet?

How would he feed his wife and kids ?

How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses.After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer. "That was Thora Hird"

[Leicester Eagle]

THE HAMSTER
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a
drink. The bartender
says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money,
but if I show you
something you haven't seen before, will you give me a
drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't
risqu?"

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket
and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to
the end of the
bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano,
jumps on the keyboard
and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is
really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen
anything like that
before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The
guy downs the
drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle, or else no drink," says the
bartender. The
guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.
He puts the frog
on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a
marvelous voice and
great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other
end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the $300 and
gives the stranger
the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The
bartender says to the
guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog
for $300? It
must
have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a
ventriloquist."

[Leicester Eagle]

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting.

He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his
shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death
or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank
soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he
found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally
recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down
the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap
on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing
there.

The polar bear said: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting
do you?".

[Leicester Eagle]

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and
> > his pale lips began to move slightly.
> > 'My darling Susan,' he whispered.
> > 'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'
> > He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have
something
> > I must confess to you.'
> > 'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan.
> > 'Everything's all right, go to sleep.'
> > 'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your
best
> > friend and your mother.'
> > 'I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'

[Leicester Eagle]

"Hebrew wisdom"

A team of archeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave
with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of
David on the wall.

The head archeologist points to the first drawing. "This indicates that
these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem." he says.
"The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil.
The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high
intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they would take to the
sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were
Hebrews."

The second archeologist shakes his head. "Hebrew is read from right to
left," he explains. "It says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that
Chick!'"


[This message has been edited by Leicester Eagle (edited 21 February 2001).]

[Leicester Eagle]

Good King Wenceslas rings up Pizza Hut on Christmas Eve. 'It's King
Wenceslas here, I'd like a pizza delivered'
'Will that be the usual order sir?'
'Yes. Deep Pan, crisp and even'

--00--

"I've not had sex for two weeks now. With my cracked ribs and
Heidi's bruised chest, it's a bit difficult. The dog is
starting to get worried."
Formula One driver David Coulthard explains some his problems
after escaping from a plane crash which killed two people.

[Leicester Eagle]

THE ATHEIST'S PROPOSAL
A young lady came home from a date rather sad. She
told her mother, "He
proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he
doesn't even
believe
there's a hell!"

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two
of us, we'll
show
him how wrong he is."

[Les Butler]

Hooker with a brain

http://www.ampland.com/humor/022101.gif

[Teaser]

Who is Jack Schitt?
>
>For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
>ourselves at a loss when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt!!
>
>Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual
>way.
>Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser
>magnate,
>married O.Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son,
>Jack.
>
>In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
>produced
>six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt and the twins deap
>Schitt
>and Dip ****t.
>
>
>Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
>school
>dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
>Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with
>them,
>she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
>Sherlock.
>
>Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
>rather
>nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children,
>Fulla
>Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and
>subsequently
>married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement
>in
>the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
>
>The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the
>prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from
Italy
>with
>his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
>
>Now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt" you can correct them.

[Teaser]

>
> > > A little boy walks into his parents bed room to find his mother on top
> > > > of his father riding him. The mother sees her little son and gets off
> > >her
> > > > husband as her son leaves the bedroom. The mother, concerned
> > > > about what her son has seen, gets dressed and finds her son in his
> > > > bedroom.
> > > >
> > > > The son asks, " Mommy what were you doing to Daddy?"
> > > > The mother replies, "You know how Daddy has a big tummy"?
> > > > The boy says, "Yes, he sure does have a big tummy."
> > > > The mother then says, "Well I have to get on Daddy's tummy and flatten
>
> > > > it, so it doesn't stick out so much."
> > > > The boy says, "Well you're wasting your time, because that will just
> > not
> > > > work."
> > > > The mother looks confused, and asks, "Why not, son?"
> > > > The boy replies, "Because when you go out shopping, the lady
> > > > across the street gets on her knees and blows Daddy's stomach back
> > up!"
>

[Teaser]

> >A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous
> >>> Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any
>activities
> >>> that might develop.
> >>>
> >>> A few days later,he received this report:
> >>>
> >>> Most Honourable sir:
> >>>
> >>> You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I
> >>follow.
> >>> He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb
> >>tree-look
> >>> in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He
> >>> play with she. She play with he.
> >>> I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.
> >>> Therefore no fee.
> >>>

[Teaser]

>>>One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says

>>>
>>>to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess
>>>
>>>I better see a doctor."
>>>
>>>"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
>>>
>>>Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the
>>>
>>>drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample
>>>
>>>and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to
>>>
>>>do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten
>>>
>>>dollars... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
>>>
>>>takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars,
>>>
>>>and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
>>>
>>>sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>>>
>>>Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You
>>>
>>>have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
>>>
>>>avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
>>>
>>>
>>>That evening while thinking how amazing this new
>>>
>>>technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer
>>>
>>>could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
>>>
>>>sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
>>>
>>>daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
>>>
>>>Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the
>>>
>>>results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
>>>
>>>concoction, and awaits the results. The computer
>>>
>>>prints the following:
>>>
>>>
>>>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener
>>>
>>>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
>>>
>>>3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>>>
>>>4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours.
>>>Get a lawyer.
>>>
>>>5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will
>>>never get better.
>>>

[Teaser]

> This is a true story about Neil Armstrong:
>
> When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the
moon, 31
years ago this week, he not only gave his famous "One small step for
man,
one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several
remarks,
usual com traffic between him and the other astronauts and Mission
Control.
>
> Just before he re-entered the lander, however he made the enigmatic
remark
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual
remark
concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there
was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
>
> Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good
luck
Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
>
> Just a few years ago, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while
answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old
question
to Armstrong. This time he responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and
so
Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
>
> When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard.
His friend hit a ball which landed in the front of his neighbors
bedroom
windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to
pick up
the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
>
> "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next
door
walks on the moon!"
>
> NOTE: This is a confirmed true story.

[Teaser]

> Thought you might like this
> >>> > > >A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
> >>> > > >"Father,
> >>> > > >I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but
> >>> > > they
> >>> > > >only know how to say one thing."
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Ya wanna have
> >>> > > some
> >>> > > >fun?"
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he
> >>> > > >thought
> >>> > > >for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a
> >>> > > >solution
> >>> > > >to your problem. I have two male talking parrots
> >>> > > whom
> >>> > > >I
> >>> > > >have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your
> >>> > > two
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the
> >>> > > >cage
> >>> > > >with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your
> >>> > > >parrots
> >>> > > >to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to
> >>> > > >stop
> >>> > > >saying...that phrase...in no time."
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very
> >>> > > well
> >>> > > >be
> >>> > > >the solution."
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
> >>> > > >priest's
> >>> > > >house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two
> >>> > > male
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary
> >>> > > beads
> >>> > > >and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed
> >>> > > her
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the
> >>> > > female
> >>> > > >parrots cried out in unison:
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >"Hi, we're prostitutes. Ya wanna have some fun?"
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >There was stunned silence.
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other
> >>> > > male
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >parrot, and exclaimed, "Put the ******* beads away
> >>> > > >Francis,
> >>> > > >our prayers have been answered!"

[Teaser]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven
> >
> > dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
> >
> > "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
> >
> >
> >
> > Dopey asks, "Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
> >
> >
> >
> > Rome?"
> >
> >
> >
> > The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
> >
> > answers,
> >
> > "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
> >
> >
> >
> > In the background a few of the dwarves start giggling. Dopey
> >
> > turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
> >
> > Dopey turns back. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
> >
> > Europe?"
> >
> >
> >
> > The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
> >
> > Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
> >
> > This time, all of the other dwarves burst into laughter.
> >
> > Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
> >
> >
> >
> > He turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
> >
> > anywhere in the world?"
> >
> >
> >
> > "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
> >
> > The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
> >
> > the
> >
> > floor,
> >
> > tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting,
> >
> > "Dopey f*cked a penguin!!! Dopey f*cked a penguin!!!"
> >
>

[Sunny Fan]

A man walks into the doctors....
Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange dick doc."
Doc - "What??"
Man - "My penis - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete ******* for a boss,I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete bitch, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets"
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn videos and eat Wotsits"

[GoringEagle]

I can't explain, you gotta read it!


Some Things You Can't Explain


A farmer was sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting
here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook
his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat
down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking
her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and
kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you
just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?"
the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it
to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got
the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things
you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got
the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't
explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took
off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my
pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just
can't explain."

[Teaser]

The following is an actual excerpt from this month's
Forbes Magazine:

Please make sure you read this carefully. It may change the way you think
about your life and career. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the
slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular
culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.

Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of
alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first.

Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link
between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains
why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married,
most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new
graduates.

Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic
consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during
their college years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological
edge,
we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint.
Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't
deny
yourself the career that you could have.

Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers that may
be in danger of losing their edge (not that any of you are from what I can
remember)!!!!!.

What more can we do??

SEE YOU ALL AT THE BAR !!!!!!

[Teaser]

After her fifth child, Linda decided that she should
have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore
herself to her former youthful glory because her
genitals were dangling a bit too low and looked like a
ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she
reckoned that, with five children now being the limit,
she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so
it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a
badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic
to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're
very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've
received them.”

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon
- the operation went so well and you were such a model
patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Linda. "The second is
from your husband - he's delighted the operation was
such a success that he can't wait to get you home.
Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the
sides for years and he's very excited!"

“Brilliant!" said Linda. "And the third?" That's from
Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just
wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

[Teaser]

> > The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven
> >
> > dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
> >
> > "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
> >
> >
> >
> > Dopey asks, "Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
> >
> >
> >
> > Rome?"
> >
> >
> >
> > The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
> >
> > answers,
> >
> > "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
> >
> >
> >
> > In the background a few of the dwarves start giggling. Dopey
> >
> > turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
> >
> > Dopey turns back. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
> >
> > Europe?"
> >
> >
> >
> > The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
> >
> > Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
> >
> > This time, all of the other dwarves burst into laughter.
> >
> > Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
> >
> >
> >
> > He turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
> >
> > anywhere in the world?"
> >
> >
> >
> > "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
> >
> > The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
> >
> > the
> >
> > floor,
> >
> > tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting,
> >
> > "Dopey f*cked a penguin!!! Dopey f*cked a penguin!!!"
> >
>
>
>

[Teaser]

He said... Want a quickie?
> >She said...As opposed to what?
> >
> >He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
> >put in it.
> >She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
> >
> >He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then
> >we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we
> >could fire the maid as well.'
> >She said...'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly
> >we could do without the gardener too'
> >
> >He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your
> >looks, not with your brains?
> >She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron
> >than he is blind.
> >
> >He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
> >She said...I would, but you're never there.
> >
> >He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
> >She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
> >while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
> >
> >

[Teaser]

A competition was recently held to find out the most embarrassing moments in people's lives. And
the Winner Is?

This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the
professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised
her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen,
as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked,
"Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and
as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her
books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.

However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally
straight-faced, he answered her question; "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for
sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!"

[Teaser]

Why We Are All Proud To Be Australian
> Citizens!!
> > >
> > > Only in Australia...
> > > ... can a pizza get to your house faster than
> an
> ambulance.
> > >
> > > Only in Australia...
> > >... is "are you awake" the standard concept of
> foreplay.
> > >
> > > Only in Australia...
> > > ... do Supermarkets make the sick people walk
> all
> the way to the
> back
> >of
> > >the store to get their Panadol while healthy
> people
> can buy
> cigarettes at
> > >the front.
> > >
> > > Only in Australia...
> > > ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large
> fries...and a Diet
> Coke
> > >
> > > Only in Australia...
> > > ... do banks leave both doors open and chain
> the
> pens to the
> counter.
> > >
> > > Only in Australia...
> > > ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
> in
> the
> > > driveway, and store our junk in the garage.
> > >
> > > Only in Australia...
> > > ...do we use answering machines to screen calls
> and then
> > > have call waiting so we wont miss a call from
> someone we didn't
> want to
> > >talk to in the first place.
> > >
> > > Only in Australia...
> > > > ... do we use the word "politics" to describe
> the process of
> >Government.
> > >"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
> "blood sucking
> >creatures"
> > >
> > >Only in Australia...
> > > ... do we live by the saying "you're never too
> pissed if
> > > you can still find the floor

[Teaser]

> > > >50 Rules for Men
> > > > >
> > > > >A Woman's 50 Rules for Men
> > > > >
> > > > >For those of you who are guys, pay close
> attention to
> > > > >the following:
> > > > >
> > > > >1. Call.
> > > > >
> > > > >2. Don't lie.
> > > > >
> > > > >3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
> > > > >
> > > > >4. If guys' night out is going to be fun,
> invite the
> > > > >girls.
> > > > >
> > > > >5. If guys' night out is going to involve
> strippers,
> > > > >remember the zoo rules: No petting.
> > > > >
> > > > >6. The correct answer to, "Do I look fat?", is
> never,
> > > > >ever, "Yes."
> > > > >
> > > > >7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
> > > > >
> > > > >8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of
> Hollywood
> > > > >is bad.
> > > > >
> > > > >9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what
> she wants
> > > > >is bad.
> > > > >
> > > > >10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
> > > > >
> > > > >11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are
> good. "Nag",
> > > > >"Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
> > > > >
> > > > >12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping
> is a
> > > > >felony.
> > > > >
> > > > >13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to
> any question.
> > > > >
> > > > >14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever
> nicer, prettier,
> > > > >or better in bed.
> > > > >
> > > > >15. Her cooking is excellent.
> > > > >
> > > > >16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid
> cooking.
> > > > >
> > > > >17. Dish soap is your friend.
> > > > >
> > > > >18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does
> not equal
> > > > >soap, and warm does not equal clean.
> > > > >
> > > > >19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
> > > > >
> > > > >20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with
> "Nobody"
> > > > >is never going to end that conversation.
> > > > >
> > > > >21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
> > > > >
> > > > >22. Two words: clean socks.
> > > > >
> > > > >23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more
> attractive
> > > > >when you're drunk.
> > > > >
> > > > >24. Burping is not sexy.
> > > > >
> > > > >25. You're wrong.
> > > > >
> > > > >26. You're sorry.
> > > > >
> > > > >27. She is probably less impressed by your
> discourse
> > > > >on your cool car than you think she is.
> > > > >
> > > > >28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
> > > > >
> > > > >29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit
> any awning
> > > > >in a single bound.
> > > > >
> > > > >30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack
> up together"
> > > > >is bad.
> > > > >
> > > > >31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad
> mood.
> > > > >
> > > > >32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
> > > > >
> > > > >33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could
> mean anything
> > > > >she feels like at that particular moment in
> time, and
> > > > >it could change without notice.
> > > > >
> > > > >34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for
> using
> > > > >her toothbrush.
> > > > >
> > > > >You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
> > > > >
> > > > >35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11
> p.m.
> > > > >
> > > > >36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually
> exclusive.
> > > > >
> > > > >37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine
> about it,
> > > > >just do it.
> > > > >
> > > > >38. If you want to break up with her, break up
> with
> > > > >her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she
> does it
> > > > >for you.
> > > > >
> > > > >39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
> > > > >
> > > > >40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
> > > > >
> > > > >41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
> > > > >
> > > > >42. Think boxers.
> > > > >
> > > > >43. Silk boxers.
> > > > >
> > > > >44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy
> "anniversary"
> > > > >she so names.
> > > > >
> > > > >45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
> > > > >
> > > > >46. Her haircut is never bad.
> > > > >
> > > > >47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
> > > > >
> > > > >48. Call.
> > > > >
> > > > >49. Don't lie.
> > > > >
> > > > >50. The rules are never fair. Accept this
> without question.
> > > > >The fact that she has to go through labor
> while you
> > > > >sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking
> cigars isn't
> > > > >fair either, and it balances everything.

[PENGE P]

What did the midget get when he walked through the naked womens legs ???

A clit round the ear

[Little Matt]

THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

[cdm61]

Beckham brings a flask into the dressing room, Giggs says 'what's that for Becks'?

Beckham says, 'its for keeping things hot and keeping things cold'.....'What's in it then'? says Giggs inquisitively

'Coffee and a Choc Ice.....Giggsy'

[Teaser]

> These are actual excuse notes from parents
> > > > (including original
> > > > spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University
> > > > Texas Medical Branch
> > > >
> > > > My son is under a doctor's care and should not
> > > take
> > > > P.E. today. Please
> > > > execute him.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
> > > > and I had her shot.
> > > >
> > > > Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on
> > > > Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
> > > > 32, and also 33.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is
> > > > administrating.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
> > > > Yesterday he fell out of
> > > > a tree and misplaced his hip.
> > > >
> > > > John has been absent because he had two teeth
> > > taken
> > > > out of his face.
> > > >
> > > > Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
> > > > football. He was
> > > > hurt in the growing part.
> > > >
> > > > Megan could not come to school today because she
> > > has
> > > > been bothered by
> > > > very close veins.
> > > >
> > > > Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in
> > > > his side.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
> > > > loose vowels.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
> > > He
> > > > had (diahre)
> > > > (dyrea) (direathe) the ****s. [words were crossed
> > > > out in the ( )'s]
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He
> > > > had diarrhea and
> > > > his boots leak.
> > > >
> > > > Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his
> > > > bust.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's
> > > > fault.
> > > >
> > > > I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
> > > > shopping because I
> > > > don't know what size she wear.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Jennifer for missing school
> > > yesterday.
> > > > We forgot to get
> > > > the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found
> > > it
> > > > Monday, we thought
> > > > it was Sunday.
> > > >
> > > > Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We
> > > have
> > > > to attend her
> > > > funeral.
> > > >
> > > > My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
> > > > tired. She spent a
> > > > weekend with the Marines.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He
> > > > had a cold and could
> > > > not breed well.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She
> > > > was in bed with
> > > > gramps.
> > > >
> > > > Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
> > > > gangover.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under
> > > the
> > > > doctor.
> > > >
> > > > Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had
> > > a
> > > > fever, sore
> > > > throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was
> > > > also sick, fever and
> > > > sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and
> > > > ached all over. I
> > > > wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
> > > There
> > > > must be something
> > > > going around, her father even got hot last night.
>

[Teaser]

QUICK WIT:

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than
an ambulance!

[Teaser]

Today's MailBits.com Joke:

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend
with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts
eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them
off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother,
"Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off them."

[Teaser]

Today's MailBits.com Joke:

Rules For Work:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even
better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
anyway.

[Teaser]

QUICK WIT:

Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries and a diet soda!

[Teaser]

Today's MailBits.com Joke:

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get
some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he
decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at
the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he
reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

[Teaser]

QUICK WIT:

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol
on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she
snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come
waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

[selhurstparkflyer]

Whats the most sensitive part of a man's body when he is masturbating?

His ears

[Pistike]

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people
who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that to an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22
and cannot be condoned in any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident and
also posted on the Internet:-

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with
as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific
laws and how to follow them:

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They
claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I
tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of
mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him
myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27.
How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we
just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people
who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

[Teaser]

Today's MailBits.com Joke:
Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama.
They were so confident going into the final that two days
before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee
and party with some friends. They had a great time. However,
they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.
Rather than take the final, they found their professor
afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him
that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but
that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a
spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were
late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this
over and told them they could make up the final on the
following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that
night and went in the next day for the final. The professor
placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test
booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points.
It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going
to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).

[Teaser]

Today's MailBits.com Joke:
One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out,
"My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was
quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with
almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy's
gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then
went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you so much!" the mother cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

[Teaser]

FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"Nature never makes any blunders; when she makes a fool she means it."
- Joshua Billings

[Teaser]

Today's MailBits.com Joke:A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong
evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you
all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one
minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The
jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute
passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I
therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this
case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you
return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused,
retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some
doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."

[Teaser]

FUNNY THOUGHTS:"Classic: a book people praise but don't read." - Mark Twain

[Teaser]

QUICK WIT:There once was a stupid man who was convicted of murder.
Before the man was sentenced, the judge asked him if he had any final words.
He says, "Judge, I would rather die than be sent to the electric chair.

[Teaser]

So the biggest football club in the world is hooking up with the planet's biggest baseball team to form a company to exploit 'marketing opportunities'. But won't Manchester United struggle to find common ground with new chums the New York Yankees? Maybe not, as F365's team of crack investigators have unearthed some very significant parallels...

1) Babe Ruth is central to baseball folklore. Babes called Ruth are central to Dwight Yorke's plans for next Saturday night.

2) All baseball players are eager to get beyond first base. Much like Dwight Yorke again, then.

3) Baseball players regularly 'strike out' - a feeling those handsome devils Nicky Butt and Luke Chadwick may well have shared while on the pull in Manchester's finest nightspots.

4) The Yankees once had a star hitter named Wade Boggs - which, spookily, is something you've got to do at Old Trafford at half time if you want to relieve your bladder.

5) The cheap seats in baseball stadia are known as the bleachers. Spookily, the cheapest women around Old Trafford are also bleachers.

6) Baseball is played with long, thin planks of wood. Manchester United matches are played with Philip Neville at left back.

7) All baseball fans have a love affair with the diamond. Former Manchester United manager Ron Atkinson had his own love affair with the diamond... the ruby, the emerald, the sapphire and the gold medallion.

8) Baseball games can take around three hours. Much like Manchester United games when they're 1-0 down with 89 minutes gone.

9) Pleasant but somewhat dopey superstar Yankees player Joe Di Maggio was rarely out of the newspapers after he married publicity-hungry, weight-obsessed Marilyn Monroe. Remind you of anyone?

10) Most people in this country don't like baseball...

[Teaser]

> This is a true story about Neil Armstrong:
>
> When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the
moon, 31
years ago this week, he not only gave his famous "One small step for
man,
one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several
remarks,
usual com traffic between him and the other astronauts and Mission
Control.
>
> Just before he re-entered the lander, however he made the enigmatic
remark
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual
remark
concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there
was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
>
> Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good
luck
Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
>
> Just a few years ago, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while
answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old
question
to Armstrong. This time he responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and
so
Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
>
> When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard.
His friend hit a ball which landed in the front of his neighbors
bedroom
windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to
pick up
the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
>
> "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next
door
walks on the moon!"
>
> NOTE: This is a confirmed true story.

[Teaser]

> > > > > A little old couple walked slowly into
> > > > > > > > > > McDonalds one cold winter evening.They
> > > > > > > > > > looked out of place amid the young
> > > > > > > > > > families and young couples eating
> > > > > > > > > > there that night.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > Some of the customers looked admiringly
> > > > at
> > > > > > > > > > them. You could tell what The admirers
> > > > were thinking.
> > > > > > > > > > "Look, there is a couple who has been
> > > > > > > > > > through a lot together, probably for 60
> > > > years or
> > > > > > > > > > more!"
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > The little old man walked right up to
> > > > the
> > > > > > > > > > cash register, placed his order
> > > > > > > > > > with no hesitation and then paid for
> > > > their
> > > > > > > > > > meal. The couple took a table near
> > > > > > > > > > the back wall and started taking food
> > > > off
> > > > > > > > > > of the tray. There was one hamburger,
> > > > > > > > > > one order of French fries and one drink.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > The little old man unwrapped the plain
> > > > > > > > > > hamburger and carefully cut it in
> > > > > > > > > > half. He placed one half in front of his
> > > > > > > > > > wife. Then he carefully counted out
> > > > > > > > > > the French fries, divided them in two
> > > > > > > > > > piles and neatly placed one pile in
> > > > > > > > > > front of his wife.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > He took a sip of the drink, his wife
> > > > took
> > > > > > > > > > a sip and then set the cup down between
> > > > them.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > As the man began to eat his few bites of
> > > > > > > > > > hamburger the crowd began to
> > > > > > > > > > get restless. Again you could tell what
> > > > > > > > > > they were thinking. "That poor old
> > > > > > > > > > couple. All they can afford is one meal
> > > > > > > > > > for the two of them."
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > As the man began to eat his French fries
> > > > > > > > > > one young man stood and came over to
> > > > > > > > > > the old couples' table. He politely
> > > > > > > > > > offered to buy another meal for the old
> > > > > > > > > > couple to eat.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > The old man replied that they were just
> > > > > > > > > > fine. They were used to sharing
> > > > everything.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > Then the crowd noticed that the little
> > > > old
> > > > > > > > > > lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just
> > > > > > > > > > sat there watching her husband eat and
> > > > > > > > > > occasionally taking turns sipping the
> > > > > > > > > > drink.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > Again the young man came over and begged
> > > > > > > > > > them to let him buy them something to
> > > > eat.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > This time the lady explained that no,
> > > > they
> > > > > > > > > > were used to sharing everything
> > > > > > > > > > together. As the little old man finished
> > > > > > > > > > eating and was wiping his face
> > > > > > > > > > neatly with a napkin the young man could
> > > > > > > > > > stand it no longer.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > Again he came over to their table and
> > > > > > > > > > offered to buy some food. After being
> > > > > > > > > > politely refused again he finally asked
> > > > a
> > > > > > > > > > question of the little old lady.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said
> > > > > > > > > > that you share everything. What is it
> > > > > > > > > > that you are waiting for?"
> > > > > > > > > > She answered...
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >(keep scrolling)
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >[This is is great]
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >"The teeth".
> > > >
> > > >
> > >

[Teaser]

>>>>>> There's something here for all
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A COCKNEY *******
> >>>>>> 1 You say 'mate' constantly.
> >>>>>> 2 You think it is perfectly normal to pay
over 3.00
> >>>>>> for a pint.
> >>>>>> 3 Anyone not from London is a '******'.
> >>>>>> 4 Anyone from outside London and north of
Watford is
> >>>>>> a 'Northern
> >>>>>> ******'.
> >>>>>> 5 You have no idea where the North is.
> >>>>>> 6 You see All Saints in the Bar Med (again)
and find
> >>>>>> it hard to get
> >>>>>> excited about it.
> >>>>>> 7 The countryside makes you nervous.
> >>>>>> 8 Somebody speaks to you on the tube and
you freak
> >>>>>> out thinking they
> >>>>>> are a
> >>>>>> stalker.
> >>>>>> 9 American tourists no longer annoy you.
> >>>>>> 10 You talk in postcodes. "God, it was
really warm
> >>>>>> round SW1 the other
> >>>>>> day".
> >>>>>> 11 You can't remember the last time you got
up to 30
> >>>>>> mph in your car.
> >>>>>> 12 You didn't realise that 'Paddington
Green' is
> >>>>>> REAL.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A MANCHESTER TOSSER
> >>>>>> 1.You go mad when somebody who is not from
Manchester
> >>>>>> says 'mad
> >>>>>> ferit',
> >>>>>> "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
> >>>>>> 2.You say 'mad fer it' when back in
Manchester.
> >>>>>> 3.You think fisherman's hats are
attractive.
> >>>>>> 4.You support Man City out of principle.
> >>>>>> 5.You see Coronation Street stars all the
time and
> >>>>>> think nothing of
> >>>>>> it.
> >>>>>> 6.You think Londoners are 'soft southern
******s'...
> >>>>>> until they kick
> >>>>>> your
> >>>>>> head in at a footie match.
> >>>>>> 7.You get a freckle and consider yourself
'suntanned'
> >>>>>> 8.You deny that it rains all the time.. as
you
> >>>>>> struggle home with the
> >>>>>> shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
> >>>>>> 9.You won't pay more than 1.50 for a wrap
of skag.
> >>>>>> 10.People start yawning when you talk about
how great
> >>>>>> Manchester is
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A SCOUSE GIT
> >>>>>> 1. You have an urge to steal.
> >>>>>> 2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous'
soap.
> >>>>>> 3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
> >>>>>> 4. You keep going on about how great
Liverpool
> >>>>>> and Scousers are.
> >>>>>> 5. To you, organised crime is putting
petrol in
> >>>>>> the getaway car.
> >>>>>> 6. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry
cross
> >>>>>> the Mersey'.
> >>>>>> 7. You think anyone from Liverpool has a
great
> >>>>>> sense of humour.
> >>>>>> 8. You often wonder why you don't hear of
many
> >>>>>> Scouse comedians
> >>>>>> any
> >>>>>> more.
> >>>>>> 9. You think everyone's heard of Greg
Pateras
> >>>>>> 10. You start thinking that Plymouth sounds
nice.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
> >>>>>> 1.You say 'pish' all the time.
> >>>>>> 2.You say 'aye' all the time.
> >>>>>> 3.You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm
no goin'
> >>>>>> there, like, it's
> >>>>>> pish'.
> >>>>>> 4.You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring
the fact
> >>>>>> it 'tastes of
> >>>>>> pish
> >>>>>> like'.
> >>>>>> 5.You get an urge to punch everybody you
meet.
> >>>>>> 6.You punch everybody you meet.
> >>>>>> 7.You get drunk before, after and during
punching
> >>>>>> everybody you meet.
> >>>>>> 8.You are incomprehensible.
> >>>>>> 9.People seem to be scared of you when you
say where
> >>>>>> you are from.
> >>>>>> 10. You automatically get the urge to kill
on hearing
> >>>>>> the words
> >>>>>> 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
> >>>>>> 11.You have heart disease aged 26 due to
all
> >>>>>> deep-fried pizzas you
> >>>>>> have
> >>>>>> consumed since birth.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
> >>>>>> 1.You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
> >>>>>> 2.You think of Guinness as if it is the
sixth food
> >>>>>> group.
> >>>>>> 3.You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the
FIRST food
> >>>>>> group.
> >>>>>> 4.You're pale and white... yet compared to
others
> >>>>>> your suntan looks
> >>>>>> good.
> >>>>>> 5.You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
> >>>>>> 6.You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
> >>>>>> 7.You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
> >>>>>> 8.You can pronounce names like Eoghan,
Niamh and
> >>>>>> Siobhan.
> >>>>>> 9.You take 4 hours to get home on a
Saturday night
> >>>>>> and think nothing
> >>>>>> of
> >>>>>> it.
> >>>>>> 10 You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or
not
> >>>>>> resembling meat, bread
> >>>>>> or
> >>>>>> potatoes
> >>>>>> 11.You say "Your man" all the time.
> >>>>>> 12.You say "Your woman" all the time.
> >>>>>> 13.You say "It's grand that your man asked
if I'm
> >>>>>> grand" all the time.
> >>>>>> 14.You find yourself still living with
family and having dinners cooked
for you by someone's mammy - at 30.
> >>>>>> 15.You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CARDIFF TOO LONG
> >>>>>> 1.You are still there.

[Teaser]

> Re: Husband:
> One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
> pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we
could
> get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable,
she
> thought herself better and replied with silence.
> The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and
> said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
> This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed
him by
> his package. With a death grip in place she said,"You know if you
firmed
> this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler,
the
> pool man, and your brother."
>
> Re: Cowboy Boots
> An elderly couple is vacationing (holidaying to us Brits!) in the
West.
> Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on
sale
> one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks
into
> their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
> Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
> Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice
anything
> different about me?"
> Bessie looks again, "Nope."
> Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back
> into the room completely naked except for his boots.
> Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
DIFFERENT?"
> Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down
> today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
> tomorrow."
> Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S
> HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
> To which Bessie shakes her head and replies, "Shoulda bought a hat,
Sam.
> You shoulda bought a hat."
>
>
> Re: Devout Catholic:
> Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon
> after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she
> remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with
her
> second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also
dies.
> Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately
> she becomes very ill and dies.
> At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her
coffin,
> looks up to the heavens and says, "At last, they're finally
together."
> A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do
you
> mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
> The priest says, "I mean her legs."
>
>
>
>
>

[Teaser]

> These are actual excuse notes from parents
> > > > (including original
> > > > spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University
> > > > Texas Medical Branch
> > > >
> > > > My son is under a doctor's care and should not
> > > take
> > > > P.E. today. Please
> > > > execute him.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
> > > > and I had her shot.
> > > >
> > > > Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on
> > > > Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
> > > > 32, and also 33.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is
> > > > administrating.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
> > > > Yesterday he fell out of
> > > > a tree and misplaced his hip.
> > > >
> > > > John has been absent because he had two teeth
> > > taken
> > > > out of his face.
> > > >
> > > > Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
> > > > football. He was
> > > > hurt in the growing part.
> > > >
> > > > Megan could not come to school today because she
> > > has
> > > > been bothered by
> > > > very close veins.
> > > >
> > > > Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in
> > > > his side.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
> > > > loose vowels.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
> > > He
> > > > had (diahre)
> > > > (dyrea) (direathe) the ****s. [words were crossed
> > > > out in the ( )'s]
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He
> > > > had diarrhea and
> > > > his boots leak.
> > > >
> > > > Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his
> > > > bust.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's
> > > > fault.
> > > >
> > > > I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
> > > > shopping because I
> > > > don't know what size she wear.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Jennifer for missing school
> > > yesterday.
> > > > We forgot to get
> > > > the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found
> > > it
> > > > Monday, we thought
> > > > it was Sunday.
> > > >
> > > > Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We
> > > have
> > > > to attend her
> > > > funeral.
> > > >
> > > > My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
> > > > tired. She spent a
> > > > weekend with the Marines.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He
> > > > had a cold and could
> > > > not breed well.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She
> > > > was in bed with
> > > > gramps.
> > > >
> > > > Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
> > > > gangover.
> > > >
> > > > Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under
> > > the
> > > > doctor.
> > > >
> > > > Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had
> > > a
> > > > fever, sore
> > > > throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was
> > > > also sick, fever and
> > > > sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and
> > > > ached all over. I
> > > > wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
> > > There
> > > > must be something
> > > > going around, her father even got hot last night.
>
>

[Teaser]

MOODS OF A WOMAN
> > > > ===============
> > > > An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a
> > > > woman is a bundle of contradiction, she's
> > > > afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, but
> > > > will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
> > > > she'll take him for better, she'll take him
> > > > for worse
> > > > she'll break open his head and then be his
> > > > nurse but when he's well and can get out of
> > > > bed she'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for
> > > > his head. beautiful and keenly sighted, yet
> > > > blind, crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
> > > > she'll call him a king, then make him a
> > > > clown, raise him on a pedestal, then knock
> > > > him flat down. she'll inspire him to deeds
> > > > that ennoble man, or make him her lackey to
> > > > carry her fan. she'll run away from him and
> > > > never come back but if he runs away, then
> > > > she'll be on his tracks sour as vinegar,
> > > > sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you one minute,
> > > > then turn up her nose, she'll win you in
> > > > range, enchant you in silk, she'll be
> > > > stronger than brandy, milder than milk at
> > > > times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
> > > > she'll hate you like poison, and love you
> > > > like mad.
> > > >
> > > > > > >>> > > MOODS OF A MAN
> > > > > > >>> > > ==========
> > > > > > >>> > >
> > > > > > >>> > > Horny.
> > > > > >

[Teaser]

I*forwarded this on to you all not because it said to but because I thought it was such a lovely story.

A SPECIAL STORY FOR A SPECIAL SOMEONE


He was in the first third grade class I taught at Saint Mary's School in Morris, Minn.* All 34 of my
students were dear to me, but Mark Eklund was one in a million.

Very neat in appearance, but had that happy-to-be-alive attitude that made even his occasional
mischievousness delightful.

Mark talked incessantly.* I had to remind him again and again that talking without permission was not
acceptable.

What impressed me so much, though, was his sincere response every time I had to correct him for
misbehaving - "Thank you for correcting me, Sister!"* I didn't know what to make of it at first, but before long I became accustomed to hearing it many times a day.

One morning my patience was growing thin when Mark talked once too often, and then I made a novice
teacher's mistake. I looked at Mark and said, "If you say one more word, I am going to tape your mouth shut!"

It wasn't ten seconds later when Chuck blurted out, "Mark is talking again."


I hadn't asked any of the students to help me watch Mark, but since I had stated the punishment in front of the class, I had to act on it.

I remember the scene as if it had occurred this morning. I walked to my desk, very deliberately opened my drawer and took out a roll of masking tape.* Without saying a word, I proceeded to Mark's desk, tore off two pieces*of tape and made a big X with them over his mouth. I then returned to the front of the room.

As I glanced at Mark to see how he was doing, he winked at me.

That did it!!* I started laughing.* The class cheered as I walked back to Mark's desk, removed the tape,
and shrugged my shoulders.* His first words were, "Thank you for correcting me, Sister."


At the end of the year, I was asked to teach junior-high math.* The years flew by, and before I knew it
Mark was in my classroom again.* He was more handsome than ever and just as polite. Since he had to listen carefully to my instruction in the "new math," he did not talk as much in ninth grade as he had in third.

One Friday, things just didn't feel right.

We had worked hard on a new concept all week, and I sensed that the students were frowning, frustrated with themselves and edgy with one another.* I had to stop this crankiness before it got out of
hand.


So I asked them to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.

Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it
down.* It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed me the papers.

That Saturday, I wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and I listed what
everyone else had said about that individual.* On Monday I gave each student his or her list.

Before long, the entire class was smiling.* "Really?" I heard whispered.

"I never knew that meant anything to anyone!"* "I didn't know others liked me so much."* No one ever
mentioned those papers in class again.* I never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter.** The exercise had accomplished its purpose.* The students were happy with themselves and one another again.* That group of students moved on.* Several years later, after I
returned from vacation, my parents met me at the airport.

As we were driving home, Mother asked me the usual questions about the trip - the weather, my
experiences in general.* There was a lull in the conversation. Mother gave Dad a sideways glance and simply said, "Dad?"

My father cleared his throat as he usually did before something important.

"The Eklunds called last night," he began. "Really?" I said.* "I haven't heard from them in years. I wonder how Mark is."

Dad responded quietly. "Mark was killed in Vietnam," he said.* The funeral is tomorrow, and his
parents would like it if you could attend."

To this day I can still point to the exact spot on I-494 where Dad told me about Mark.* I had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before.* Mark looked so handsome, so mature.* All I could think at that
moment was, "Mark I would give all the masking tape in the world if only you would talk to me."

The church was packed with Mark's friends. Chuck's sister sang "The Battle Hymn of the republic."* Why did it have to rain on the day of the funeral?* It was difficult enough at the graveside. The pastor said the usual prayers, and the bugler played taps.

One by one those who loved Mark took a last walk by the coffin and sprinkled it with holy water. I was the last one to bless the coffin.* As I stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up
to me.* "Were you Mark's math teacher?"*he asked.

I nodded as I continued to stare at the coffin.* "Mark talked about you a lot," he said.

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates headed to Chuck's farmhouse for lunch.* Mark's
mother and father were there, obviously waiting for me.

"We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed.* We thought you might recognize it."

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been
taped, folded and refolded many times.* I knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which I had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said.* "As you can see, Mark treasured it."* Mark's
classmates started to gather around us.* Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list.
It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."

Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."* "I have mine too," Marilyn said.
"It's in my diary."

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. I carry this with me at all times, " Vicki said without batting an eyelash. "I
think we all saved our lists."

That's when I finally sat down and cried.* I cried for Mark and for all his friends who could never see
him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day.* And we don't know
when that one day will be.* So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and
important.* Tell them, before it is too late. Within 1 hour you must send it to other people. Within five
days you will have a miraculous occurrence in your relationships. You may find new love or have an old love rekindled.

If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the opportunity to do something loving and
beautiful and continue the trend that gives you problems in your relationships.

If you've received this it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least
someone for whom you care.

If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it would take right now to forward this to ten people, would it be the first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?

Here's the deal: forward this letter to at least 10 different people; within 1 hour of receiving it.
Do it, and reap what you sow.

MAY YOUR DAY
BE AS SPECIAL AS YOU ARE !!!

[Teaser]

> This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think
> this
> > > guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from
the
> > Word
> > > Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring
the
> > > customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was
> > fired;
> > > however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organisation for
> > > "Termination without Cause."
> > > It starts with the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer
> > >
> > > Support employee.........
> > > "Ridge Hall, computer assistance, may I help you?"
> > > "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
> > > "What sort of trouble??"
> > > "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
> away."
> > > "Went away?"
> > > "They disappeared."
> > > "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
> > > "Nothing."
> > > "Nothing??"
> > > "It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type."
> > > "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
> > > "How do I tell?"
> > > "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
> > > "What's a sea-prompt?"
> > > "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
> > > "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
> > > "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
> > > "What's a monitor?"
> > > "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have
> a
> > > little light that tells you when it's on?"
> > > "I don't know."
> > > "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
> cord
> > > goes into it. Can you see that?"
> > > "Yes, I think so."
> > > "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
> the
> > > wall."
> > > "Yes, it is."
> > > "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
> > cables
> > > plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
> > > "No."
> > > "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other
> > > cable."
> > > "Okay, here it is."
> > > "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of
> > > your computer."
> > > "I can't reach."
> > > "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
> > > "No."
> > > "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
> > > "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
> > > dark."
> > > "Dark?"
> > > "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
> > from
> > > the window."
> > > "Well, turn on the office light then."
> > > "I can't."
> > > "No? Why not?"
> > > "Because there's a power failure."
> > > "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you
> > > still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
> in?"
> > > "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
> > > "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
> was
> > > when you got it. Then take it back to the store where you bought it
> from."
> > > "Really? Is it that bad?"
> > > "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
> > > "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
> > > "Tell them you're too f****** stupid to own a computer."
> > >
> > >

[Teaser]

> > A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she hasb een
> > in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
> > rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
> > doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
> > tells the doctor who says this is a good sign ands uggests
> > he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
> > any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
> > this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that
> > the man should go in and try oral sex,s aying he will wait
> > outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man
> > to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
> > five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
> > his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which
> > the man replies: "She choked."

[Teaser]

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the
stress that builds up during the day. http://www.cpfc.org/ubb/smile.gif

BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 hershey kiss

AFTERNOON TEA
the rest of the kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"
Send this to all the women you know and you will immediately lose
10 pounds.

[Teaser]

> > > > I've learned that you cannot make
> > > > > > > > someone love you. All you can do is
> > > > > > > > stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
> > > > > > > > ********************
> > > > > > > > I've learned that no matter
> > > > > > > > how much I care,
> > > > > > > > some people are just arseholes.
> > > > > > > > ********************
> > > > > > > > I've learned that it takes years
> > > > > > > > to build up trust, and it only takes
> > > > > > > > suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
> > > > > > > > ********************
> > > > > > > > I've learned that you can get by
> > > > > > > > on charm for about fifteen minutes.
> > > > > > > > After that, you'd better have
> > > > > > > > a big dick or huge tits.
> > > > > > > > ********************
> > > > > > > > I've learned that you shouldn't
> > > > > > > > compare yourself to others - they are
> > > > > > > > more ****ed up than you think.
> > > > > > > > *******************
> > > > > > > > I've learned that you can keep
> > > > > > > > throwing up long after you think
> > > > > > > > you're finished.
> > > > > > > > *******************
> > > > > > > > I've learned that we are responsible
> > > > > > > > for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
> > > > > > > > *******************
> > > > > > > > I've learned that regardless of
> > > > > > > > how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
> > > > > > > > the passion fades, and there had better
> > > > > > > > be a lot of money to take its place.
> > > > > > > > ********************
> > > > > > > > I've learned that sometimes the
> > > > > > > > people you expect to kick you
> > > > > > > > when you're down will
> > > > > > > > be the ones who do.
> > > > > > > > *******************
> > > > > > > > I've learned that we don't have to
> > > > > > > > ditch bad friends, because their
> > > > > > > > dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
> > > > > > > > ********************
> > > > > > > > I've learned that no matter how
> > > > > > > > you try to protect your children, they will
> > > > > > > > eventually get arrested and end up in the
> > > > > > > > local paper.
> > > > > > > > ********************
> > > > > > > > I've learned that the people you
> > > > > > > > care most about in life are taken from you
> > > > > > > > too soon and all the less important ones
> > > > > > > > just never go away.
> > > > > > > > *******************
> > > > > > > > I've learned to say "**** 'em" if
> > > > > > > > they can't take a joke"
> > > > > > > > in 6 languages.
> > > > > > > > ******************
> > > > > > > > Pass this along to 5
> > > > > > > > friends...trust me,
> > > > > > > > they'll appreciate it. Who knows,
> > > > > > > > maybe something good will happen.
> > > > > > > > If not... tough ****.

[Teaser]

The things you learn from porn
>
> -----------------------------------------
> Women wear high heels to bed.
>
> A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding fine.
>
> Lesbians love it when a guy bursts in on them.
>
> All women are bisexual or have fantasised about it.No man is bisexual.
>
> Women hitchhike in high heels and bikinis and will always offer you sex in
> exchange for a ride to who knows where.
>
> If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having a root in the bushes,
> the boyfriend won't bash you if you join in without asking.
>
> Job interviews often turn into orgies.
>
> Nurses give patients blowjobs, especially if they have multiple bandages
> or are in a coma. The patient always makes a miraculous recovery.
>
> When a complete stranger asks a sunbathing woman to rub suntan lotion over
> her breasts she doesn't tell him to F#@% off. She will insist he roots
> her.
>
> Calling a woman a bitch won't get you thrown out of bed. It turns her on
> even more.
>
> French maids and baby sitters are prostitutes.
>
> When your girlfriend busts you getting a blowjob from her best friend she
> will only get pissed momentarily. Then she will happily root both of you.
>
> Women never have a headache... or periods.
>
> All secretaries wear glasses and have their hair tied up in a bun... but
> can't have sex until they take the glasses off and let their hair down.
>
> When a woman is sucking a man's penis it is important for him to remind
> her to 'suck it'.
>
> Women often go to mechanic's garages looking for sex.
>
> A woman will always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
> trousers to find his penis there.
>
> Men go deaf when rooting. For example: 'You like that?', 'Yeah bitch?',
> 'Huh baby?'.
>
> Men don't have to beg.

[Teaser]

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources
> Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in
> heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
> "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter.
> "Before you get settled in though,it seems we have a problem. You see,
> strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it
> this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
> "No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
> "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
> let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
> whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
> "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said
> the woman.
> "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an
> elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
> The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green
> of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and
> standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she
> had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering
> for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about
> old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
> country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
> She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she
> had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good
> time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her
> hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
> up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter
> waiting for her.
> "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
> 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
> had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter
> > came and got her.
> "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now You
> must choose your eternity,"
>
> The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd
> say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had
> a better time in Hell."
> So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
> down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she
> found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and
> filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
> garbage and putting it in sacks.
>
> The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand,"
> stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and
> a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now
> > all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
> The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
> today you're staff..."