Fat men can't draw apples [Archive] - Page 10

James Melody

31-10-2005, 09:02 AM

Originally posted by Oddjob
I'm in the running for the 2005 Rear Of The Year

Oddjob qualifies for the ladies category on a technicality.

Oddjob

31-10-2005, 09:38 AM

James Melody is first reserve on the current series of Strictly Come Dancing

EagleSE24

31-10-2005, 09:43 AM

Scott Parker is still such a keen keepy upper (following his McDonalds ad all those years ago) that he has been banned from going within 20ft of any UK greenhouse.

EagleSE24

31-10-2005, 09:43 AM

For this week only Mr Tumnus of Narnia fame is on display at London Zoo.

Oddjob

31-10-2005, 09:46 AM

In another crazy barmy Euro ruling, bureaucrats in Brussells have advised that the cherries on fruit machines be removed and replaced, as they do not fit the current guidelines for stalk length, MEP for Lille North the Rt Hon Augustine De La Soul advised ‘ The stalk must be at least 5cms from cherry to cherry otherwise they fall outside of ruling E.U.V1.46 sup chapter 7, therefore with immediate effect they must be removed and replaced with artichokes’

Sun reader Al Kaseltzer said ‘ Its political correctness gone mad’ however did state that our reporter should just ‘ hold the melons and it’ll drop straight in, its on a spit this one’

DANCOO

31-10-2005, 10:00 AM

Kwasaraki Tikiribiri has been honoured in Japan after discovering a material sharper than a hand forged samurai sword blade. All traditional swords are now to be made with a pampas grass leaf.

James Melody

31-10-2005, 10:31 AM

Dr. George Groom of Little Bognor has discovered a race of small orange skinned people down the back of his sofa. They have a highly developed language and Dr. Groom has so far learned they call themselves "pindies".

His research continues.

James Melody

31-10-2005, 10:32 AM

I am the lord of the dance.

The recent Michael Flatley production is based on my life story.

James Melody

31-10-2005, 10:34 AM

Akira Kurosawa classic "Yojimbo" is a remake of an ealing comedy "Yo, Jimbo" about a young man in Thornton Heath who defeats a band of nasty types from Purley

Oddjob

31-10-2005, 10:40 AM

JM's social life has decreased after he discovered this thread, he now goes to youth club just once a week.

Smurph

31-10-2005, 10:55 AM

Quentin Tarantino is set to write and direct the final ever series of Last of the Summer Wine.

DDD

31-10-2005, 02:02 PM

Hawaii 5-0 was actually filmed on Camber Sands

Smurph

31-10-2005, 03:05 PM

Extra long nasal hair was seen as a sign of virility in Babylonian society.

EagleSE24

31-10-2005, 03:09 PM

In Rhode Island it is illegal to have a front door that opens out. Rhode Islanders also have no word for 'love'.

James Melody

31-10-2005, 03:58 PM

I spend 5 hours each evening planning my FMCDA activities for the next day

James Melody

31-10-2005, 03:58 PM

I have not spoken to my fiance in five weeks

James Melody

31-10-2005, 03:58 PM

I currently have no sex life

Oddjob

31-10-2005, 04:03 PM

Originally posted by James Melody
I have not spoken to my fiance in five weeks

JM's fiance is absolutely fine with this.

EagleSE24

31-10-2005, 04:08 PM

The reason Freddie Flintoff can hit the ball so far is that his bat weighs 16 stone.

James Melody

31-10-2005, 04:09 PM

FMCDA is the most read thread on the internet.

It was recently shown on the Gramos Nortonos show on Mexican Television

Oddjob

31-10-2005, 04:13 PM

Originally posted by James Melody
I currently have no sex life

Once again, JM's fiance is absolutely fine with this.

mik59

31-10-2005, 07:21 PM

Oddjob actually works in a very straightforward job.

Oddjob

31-10-2005, 07:28 PM

Sadly true

Oddjob

31-10-2005, 07:29 PM

Basketball player Magic Johnson is ironically enough very bad at card tricks.

mik59

31-10-2005, 07:42 PM

James Melody can't carry a tune

Oddjob

31-10-2005, 07:44 PM

I much preferred mik37 to the current version.

Oddjob

31-10-2005, 07:44 PM

I really like skinny women

Oddjob

31-10-2005, 07:49 PM

PM is considering proposing to his missus (ah sweet), as they are both BBS'ers the ceremony will be conducted on this fine website through a brand new thread enitled Monkey Marriage with Trolley performing the ceremony and Micky 'I'll pretend to have forgotten the virtual wedding rings' Droy as best man, PM has chosen Melody and Maz as ushers, directing all the other BBS'sers to the correct side of the thread

PM will be starting a wedding list thread soon so look out for that. Why someone needs 67 toasters is beyond me though.

mik59

31-10-2005, 07:52 PM

Originally posted by Oddjob
I much preferred mik37 to the current version. :p it was no more reliable tho'

Jalfrezi_Enema

01-11-2005, 09:27 AM

President Bush and Prime Minister Blair have worked so closely together over the last few years they have actually become one person. Hence forward he would like to be known as Blush. Mr. to you, boy.

Jalfrezi_Enema

01-11-2005, 09:29 AM

Blue tits are always after milk bottle tops as they double up as chariot wheels for the squirrels in the forest games.

PalaceMonkey

01-11-2005, 09:34 AM

Originally posted by Oddjob
PM is considering proposing to his missus (ah sweet), as they are both BBS'ers the ceremony will be conducted on this fine website through a brand new thread enitled Monkey Marriage with Trolley performing the ceremony and Micky 'I'll pretend to have forgotten the virtual wedding rings' Droy as best man, PM has chosen Melody and Maz as ushers, directing all the other BBS'sers to the correct side of the thread

PM will be starting a wedding list thread soon so look out for that. Why someone needs 67 toasters is beyond me though.

I have decided that I will only marry people who have completed the 12 labours of Herakles, with specific emphasis on the 5th labour.

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 09:35 AM

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
I have decided that I will only marry people who have completed the 12 labours of Herakles, with specific emphasis on the 5ht labour.

Thats a ••••••• one as well.

Jalfrezi_Enema

01-11-2005, 09:36 AM

The prinicpality of Leichtenstein has come out with a rival to the Münchkens Oktoberfest.

The Leichtenstein Spunkfest is held every October 1st where the local village teams show off their circle jerk prowess for the Milk Cup.

Needless to say, everyone is REALLY drunk.

Jalfrezi_Enema

01-11-2005, 09:36 AM

The Germans aren't allowed to enter a team as this would be seen as cheating.

Micky Droy

01-11-2005, 09:41 AM

I totalled my last car because I was looking a builder's lunchbox. I was quite badly injured and lost consciousness. The builder came over and gave me the kiss of life. I came to and reciprocated with tongues. At this he withdrew and smashed my face in with a brick. I now live through a pain encoder.

EagleSE24

01-11-2005, 09:41 AM

If you travel due North from Cheddar Gorge you can reach Narobi in less than 6 hours.

PalaceMonkey

01-11-2005, 09:41 AM

Following the threat of legal action, the Spunkfest has now been re-named to the Spaff-Fest.

(Note the use of the hyphen, otherwise the three F's in a row cause outbreaks of leprosy)

nathe

01-11-2005, 09:44 AM

if you unscrew your belly button your bum falls off

EagleSE24

01-11-2005, 09:47 AM

Sven Goran Eriksson has just announced (Radio 2) that he and Sienna Miller have been an item for 6 months now and are marrying in late July. Speculation is rife as to who will be best man but it appears it is between Wayne Rooney and Peter Crouch.
A magazine deal and a documentary are in the pipeline.

EagleSE24

01-11-2005, 09:51 AM

If the stars of Jackass and Dirty Sanchez were to ever meet the world would have but 2 days to live...

PalaceMonkey

01-11-2005, 10:00 AM

R. O'FLMAO, The Irish jig champion (1974), has been arrested for falsifying his Jig credentials.

He never actually attend the university of jiggery :eek:

Jalfrezi_Enema

01-11-2005, 10:13 AM

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
R. O'FLMAO, The Irish jig champion (1974), has been arrested for falsifying his Jig credentials.

He never actually attend the university of jiggery :eek:
His good friend, Patrick McGintys-Goat, had to be rescued by firemen yesterday after completely misunderstanding the premise of 'bog-snorkelling'.

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 10:14 AM

Canadian Ryan Air today became the first man ever to complete a rubiks cube, whilst having his knackers nibbled at by a bunch of disgruntled badgers.

Jalfrezi_Enema

01-11-2005, 10:16 AM

Recently discovered journals of Washmatitz Im-Po-Tent, ancient Egyptian architect, have proved that, originally, the pyramids were designed to be built with the pointy bit in the ground.

Not so f*cking clever after all, eh?

PalaceMonkey

01-11-2005, 10:18 AM

Clarence the cross-eyed lion, wasn't actually cross-eyed at all!
He was a malfunction muppet who'd escaped from his cruel master, Jim Henson.

Smurph

01-11-2005, 10:38 AM

Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson had a half-sister called Fellatio who was shot in the eye at the Battle of Copenhagen.

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 10:41 AM

James Melody hasnt posted for a while because I killed him last night.

The reason?

Boredom.

Smurph

01-11-2005, 10:47 AM

The real reason Oddjob murdered Melody was the ill-advised admission by the latter that he had once stayed in a hotel in Leeds.

James Melody

01-11-2005, 10:48 AM

I have risen from the dead.

James Melody

01-11-2005, 10:48 AM

I am the second coming of Jesus Christ

James Melody

01-11-2005, 10:51 AM

I forgive Oddjob for his sin and I have assured him of a place in heaven.

Can I also say that contrary to popular belief dogs do not go to heaven. They go to korea.

James Melody

01-11-2005, 10:53 AM

May I say for the record that the bible is a work of fiction.

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 10:55 AM

Originally posted by Smurph
The real reason Oddjob murdered Melody was the ill-advised admission by the latter that he had once stayed in a hotel in Leeds.

Shouldnt laugh at that one but :p :p :p

DANCOO

01-11-2005, 10:55 AM

If you turn a colour inside out, it will turn paisley.

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 10:56 AM

Originally posted by James Melody
I am the second coming of Julian Clary

I agree

DANCOO

01-11-2005, 10:59 AM

To get my FMCDA's post count back up to a respectable rate, I will be replying to every single post in this thread.

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 10:59 AM

Really?

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 11:02 AM

The poster of the first post on the 100th page of this thread, will be given 85 virgins for their own personal use.

James Melody

01-11-2005, 11:11 AM

Dancoo's freefall down the FMCDA rankings was precipitated by a bout of bird flu.

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 11:15 AM

Originally posted by Oddjob
The poster of the first post on the 100th page of this thread, will be given 85 virgins for their own personal use.

Sorry, mis-type there

85 cans of Virgin cola that should have read

My bad.

DANCOO

01-11-2005, 11:19 AM

Originally posted by RickyB
Here's a fun one for all those returning to work today and bored already (i go back tomorrow *grin*)

present a statement of fact as if it's true but in all honesty, it's made up, although it would be nice if it was true (you with me?)

i.e. Fat men can't draw apples

Dogs pee three times their own body weight per day.

The first sausage dog was made by Austrian chef Austin von Schlong in 1702.

The name Adam is derived from the russian Adamski, meaning "killer".

will this one carry? :-)

Where it all began, with some excellent early examples of FMCDA'ing.

James Melody

01-11-2005, 11:22 AM

78% of all FMCDA posts have already been posted.

James Melody

01-11-2005, 11:22 AM

Robin William's mother is a gorilla

Micky Droy

01-11-2005, 12:11 PM

Following new anti-terrorism guidelines escalators at tube stations will be fitted with a "Turn steps into metal slide" setting.

PalaceMonkey

01-11-2005, 12:20 PM

I just broke my ankle on some bloody metal slide thing!

There shall be litigation, mark my words.

I'm sure they'll me I shouldn't have been in the 'tumble-tots' playground.
BUT I DON'T CARE

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 12:23 PM

PM's forthcoming BBS marriage may be on the rocks due to his somewhat erratic behaviour recently, which includes throwing himself around at tube stations in order to get a few quid compo.

James Melody

01-11-2005, 12:29 PM

Originally posted by Oddjob
PM's forthcoming BBS marriage may be on the rocks due to his somewhat erratic behaviour recently, which includes throwing himself around at tube stations in order to get a few quid compo.

Kolinkins has offered to work on a "no win, no fee" basis to gain some valuable legal experience.

mik59

01-11-2005, 12:43 PM

All posters on FMCDA on pages 90-93 inclusive are aliens bodysnatchers whose sole mission is to play with the minds of Palace fans. It doesn't seem to be working. The only possible explanation is that these so-called aliens are not from another planet but from a subterranean world here on earth that lies under an old ship wreck off Margate beach which, though exposed at low Spring tides, is left well alone because of the large sign stating "Danger: here lies an alien subterranean world".

Micky Droy

01-11-2005, 12:49 PM

My arse is a wormhole. Tiny aliens use it to port from Earth to their home planet, 3z^. Tickles.

DANCOO

01-11-2005, 12:55 PM

At 14:20 on Friday 18th November of this year, there will be a lady with hazel eyes and a wooden finger working on till 2 at Sainsburys supermarket, ( the one opposite the Hilton in Bracknell ).
Purchase four 2ltr bottles of evian mineral water and a bag of prawns.
She will ask you if you have a Nectar card.
Tell her you have several.
Pay her in cash and walk out of the store backwards.
A blue limo with red wheels will pull up outside and open it's door to you, DO NOT get in this car, it has chewing gum on the seat.
Go home and do nothing, the bitch on the till will be taken care of.

Smurph

01-11-2005, 12:59 PM

Most gerbils are left-handed

1% of all women ever executed in the UK were in fact men whereas only 5% of men executed were actually women.

Skelmersdale is to be the site of the EU funded European Institute of Philosphy.

No one has ever collected every edition of a partwork. 98% of all partworks don't even bother to publish after part 9.

Smurph

01-11-2005, 01:01 PM

James Melody is compiling all his future FMCDA posts into one document to help eliminate wasteful posting.

Smurph

01-11-2005, 01:03 PM

The internet is the main cause of global warming and James Melody is personally responsible for all the holes in the ozone layer in the Northern hemisphere.

Smurph

01-11-2005, 01:04 PM

I will never post more than 3 times in a row on this thread.

Smurph

01-11-2005, 01:05 PM

Help, I am turning into James Melody!

Smurph

01-11-2005, 01:07 PM

I have been possessed by the spirit of the murdered James Melody and the experience is not pleasant. All my clothes are suddenly too tight and I've an overwhelming urge to strangle myself to save the rest of humanity.

PalaceMonkey

01-11-2005, 01:08 PM

Smurph is now aroused by the thought of old ladies knickers.
Specifically the knickers of Bella Emberg after she's gone for a 5 mile jog.

EagleSE24

01-11-2005, 01:18 PM

I have spent the last 45mins reporting every post on this thread to a moderator (except my own of course)

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 02:15 PM

The Blazing Squad have recently completed a 45 date sell out tour of Nepal.

Stryder said ' It was wack man, them Nepalese sure know how to kick it'

Micky Droy

01-11-2005, 02:37 PM

Woodlice are made of compressed beard.

PalaceMonkey

01-11-2005, 02:39 PM

I am often mistaken for Lord Nelson.
This causes no end of problems when I am touring France.

Jalfrezi_Enema

01-11-2005, 02:55 PM

Originally posted by James Melody
I am the second coming of Jesus Christ

James' second coming is now a month old and has entered the FMCDA chart at number fifty.

Micky Droy

01-11-2005, 03:10 PM

This year's James Melody is a rerelease of the one that flopped last year. It's essentially the same except that the hair is 'the other way'.

strawberry mivi

01-11-2005, 03:13 PM

If you stand in front of a mirror, turn around 3 times and say the name James Melody each turn he will appear - but with his back to you.

strawberry mivi

01-11-2005, 03:14 PM

You may also fall over

strawberry mivi

01-11-2005, 03:14 PM

Oh - and throw up over your shoes - you have been warned !

PalaceMonkey

01-11-2005, 03:14 PM

dw_auth_two.object.b_auth.text = "Unauthorise"

James Melody

01-11-2005, 03:17 PM

I have appeared

Micky Droy

01-11-2005, 03:18 PM

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
dw_auth_two.object.b_auth.text = "Unauthorise"

Love to. When's good for you?

DANCOO

01-11-2005, 03:19 PM

http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/5976/untitled0ej1.png

PalaceMonkey

01-11-2005, 03:19 PM

Last week would have been good.

Thanks for standing me up :sob:

Il Padrino

01-11-2005, 03:19 PM

Originally posted by Micky Droy
This year's James Melody is a rerelease of the one that flopped last year. It's essentially the same except that the hair is 'the other way'.

BBS insiders are tipping the James Melody vs Crazy Frog remix to be the hit on FMCDA in 2006

Latvian

01-11-2005, 03:44 PM

Clinton Morrison is shoulderless

James Melody

01-11-2005, 03:54 PM

I will be travelling on a UK Wide Chrimbo Promo Tour with Support from Cliff Richard.

I will be at the Whitgift Centre on the 3rd December

EagleSE24

01-11-2005, 04:00 PM

I ghost write SJ and Aki's articles

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 04:00 PM

Originally posted by James Melody
I will be travelling on a UK Wide Chrimbo Promo Tour with Support from Cliff Richard.

I will be at the Whitgift Centre on the 3rd December

Thats the day of Palace v Millwall so I can't make it , I will have to catch you at the Cambridge Corn Exchange then

EagleSE24

01-11-2005, 04:08 PM

The clocks did not go back in Wandsworth, Southwark or Hammersmith this year as these respective councils have a ferocious rivalry with the Scottish farmers.

Supa Ol

01-11-2005, 05:56 PM

http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/RApuffingRA.jpg

The famous steam locomotive Puffing Billy was originally named The Chuffing Ada.

Oddjob

01-11-2005, 07:45 PM

Mick Jagger has spent the last 6 months in the lake district collecting as much moss as he can, to prove many a doubter wrong.

Phil's Barber

01-11-2005, 08:21 PM

Fat men can't draw apples

Micky Droy

01-11-2005, 10:44 PM

Carte C'or ice cream is two parts snow and two parts old ladies' ground cheeks. The flavour depends on the kind of rouge on the said lady cheeks.

Eye-dee

01-11-2005, 10:44 PM

If you remove a pigeon's beak it will starve to death.

So please don't.

Micky Droy

01-11-2005, 10:47 PM

Underneath a pigeon's beak is a mini human mouth. If you remove the beak the mouth will speak briefly to you in a parodic Indian accent. What it says will change your life, sometimes for the better, usually for the worse.

Eye-dee

01-11-2005, 10:55 PM

Bumble bees are actually wasps that have been tumble dried.

NewBoy

01-11-2005, 11:16 PM

A formica table only looks good at an angle of 46 degrees

Micky Droy

01-11-2005, 11:28 PM

The left side of Donald Sutherland's face is 20% moon rock.

PalaceMonkey

01-11-2005, 11:31 PM

Micky Droy

01-11-2005, 11:32 PM

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
:(

Moon rock is good, dude. Very good. It's from space!!!

PalaceMonkey

01-11-2005, 11:33 PM

Space.

The Final Frontier.

:lux:

bedtime :p

James Melody

02-11-2005, 07:56 AM

If you tie a young girls pigtails together she will run around in circles for 2 hours.

Eye-dee

02-11-2005, 07:59 AM

Originally posted by James Melody
If you tie a young girls pigtails together she will run around in circles for 2 hours.

If you pull a pigs tail so that it's straight, then let go, it goes 'poink' and goes curly again.

Smurph

02-11-2005, 09:06 AM

Spandex was invented by Rudolph Hess during his incarceration in Spandau.

Jalfrezi_Enema

02-11-2005, 09:47 AM

Japanese stunt rider Inamoto Gi Pi, can't ride a motorbike for toffee.

Micky Droy

02-11-2005, 09:59 AM

Originally posted by Smurph
Spandex was invented by Rudolph Hess during his incarceration in Spandau.

:lux:

During said incarceration Hess also drew notes and sketches, and drafts of songs, for a popular music band. These notes were bought at auction by the Kemp brothers and formed the band Spandau Ballet based on Hess' writings.

The song 'Gold' is word for word and note for note as Hess conceived it.

mik59

02-11-2005, 10:09 AM

Plankton have the potential to be the most dangerous and powerful organism but this is never realised because their constitution requires a two thirds majority of the total population before action can be taken against another species. Given the vastness of their race and of the ocean they've never formed a quorum and the planet remains safe ... for now.

DANCOO

02-11-2005, 10:10 AM

Originally posted by Micky Droy
:lux:

During said incarceration Hess also drew notes and sketches, and drafts of songs, for a popular music band. These notes were bought at auction by the Kemp brothers and formed the band Spandau Ballet based on Hess' writings.

The song 'Gold' is word for word and note for note as Hess conceived it.

The line from the song 'Gold' - 'You're love is like a high prison wall, and you could leave me standing so tall', was added after he had finished his original draft. This was in relation to an attempted escape where after he had managed to scale a high prison wall he saw, and fell in love with, a nurse on the other side. This made him go all woozy inside and he fell back off the wall, breaking every bone in his ear.

Jalfrezi_Enema

02-11-2005, 10:11 AM

Chavs are an alien species wot speak their own language called Innit.

DANCOO

02-11-2005, 10:15 AM

1f7d

By the end of 2008, every word in the English language is to be compressed down to only three letters.

Oddjob

02-11-2005, 10:25 AM

Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Japanese stunt rider Inamoto Gi Pi, can't ride a motorbike for toffee.

Japanese stunt rider Inamoto Gi Pi is sick of people trying to pay him in toffee, hence his poor performance, a few Yen would do him just fine.

James Melody

02-11-2005, 10:31 AM

Lesley is guilty and not deserving of any justice other than rough

James Melody

02-11-2005, 10:32 AM

most sausages are made from pig penii hollowed out and stuffed with ground pork offal and sawdust

Oddjob

02-11-2005, 10:54 AM

Originally posted by James Melody
Lesley is guilty and not deserving of any justice other than rough

:grrr: :grrr: :grrr: :grrr: :grrr:

PalaceMonkey

02-11-2005, 10:58 AM

Crinkly Canuck rocker, Bryan Adams, holds the world record for number of spaffs in one 24 hour period.
The record stands at 132 :eek:

(This is also the reason he is crinkly, as he spaffed all his fluid out of his body and he dried up a bit)

EagleSE24

02-11-2005, 11:11 AM

The reason why triceratops are not allowed on top of the pops is that their three great spikes get all tangled up with the cameras and the mics.

Smurph

02-11-2005, 11:29 AM

Ugly children are the product of unsatisfactory sex.

James Melody

02-11-2005, 11:33 AM

Smurph's parents only tried sex once. They found it so unsatisfactory they never wanted to try it again.

Oddjob

02-11-2005, 11:35 AM

This is actually true, I have just received an e-mail from a claims handler called Sophie Wong Kong Fong

It made me laugh.

PalaceMonkey

02-11-2005, 11:35 AM

I have a horde of beautiful children.

However the police have advised me that I should not be keeping them in my sex dungeon.

James Melody

02-11-2005, 11:35 AM

Psychokiller is the bast4rd son of Luis XVI. He was preserved in Amber and resuscitated by CIA scientists.

PalaceMonkey

02-11-2005, 11:36 AM

My hamster ate Freddie Starr

James Melody

02-11-2005, 11:38 AM

Palacemonkey's "hamster" has a life of it's own and often pops up at embarrassing times

Smurph

02-11-2005, 11:43 AM

Originally posted by James Melody
Smurph's parents only tried sex once. They found it so unsatisfactory they never wanted to try it again.

This is only partially true. They agreed that they couldn't improve upon perfection and are still basking in the beatific post-coital glow that resulted from my conception, that and the nasty sixties nylon sheets.

James Melody

02-11-2005, 11:47 AM

Originally posted by Smurph
This is only partially true. They agreed that they couldn't improve upon perfection and are still basking in the beatific post-coital glow that resulted from my conception, that and the nasty sixties nylon sheets.

Smurph's parents were so shocked to find they had conceived the ugliest baby on earth they spent their life savings on reconstructive plastic surgery.

They also concocted a story about how fantastic the lovemaking was to spare his feelings.

PalaceMonkey

02-11-2005, 11:50 AM

James Melody was created in a laboratory in Siberia.
He was Russia's first attempt at creating the ultimate soldier.

The scientists responsible were all executed when they presented Melody to the KGB.

James Melody

02-11-2005, 11:52 AM

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
James Melody was created in a laboratory in Siberia.
He was Russia's first attempt at creating the ultimate soldier.

The scientists responsible were all executed when they presented Melody to the KGB.

Such was the success of the project a further 5 super soldiers was cloned.

This was all kept top secret and all who came into contact with the project were killed to maintain secrecy.

Only with the fall of communism did this all come to light.

James Melody now lives a peaceful life in the south of England.

James Melody

02-11-2005, 11:53 AM

Due to genetic experiementation I have the appearance of a man of 30. I am in fact 63 years old.

Smurph

02-11-2005, 11:53 AM

Chlamydia was the third most popular name for girls born in Basildon in 2004

Oddjob

02-11-2005, 11:53 AM

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
James Melody was created in a laboratory in Siberia.
He was Russia's first attempt at creating the ultimate soldier.

The scientists responsible were all executed when they presented Melody to the KGB.

This is true, he was going to be Rockys opponent in number 4 but was quickly shelved in place of Dolph Lundgren, directors thought that the line ' If he draws apples, he draws apples ' wouldnt quite hit the spot with viewers.

EagleSE24

02-11-2005, 11:54 AM

Men only get a finite number of orgasms in their lives. Gene Simmons has 4 left and is saving them for his 60th birthday.

Smurph

02-11-2005, 11:57 AM

1f86

Dave has updated the swear filter so that if you type in "J a m e s M e l o d y" it appears as ••••• ••••••.

Jalfrezi_Enema

02-11-2005, 12:09 PM

Originally posted by Oddjob
Japanese stunt rider Inamoto Gi Pi is sick of people trying to pay him in toffee, hence his poor performance, a few Yen would do him just fine.

Callard and Bowser own the rights to Japanese motorbike sport, so good luck to him. I'd call the union but their bigwig just LURVES toffee.

Jalfrezi_Enema

02-11-2005, 12:14 PM

Although I am stupid enough to electrocute myself to see what it feels like, I am not, repeat NOT stupid enough to get a tattoo.

Jalfrezi_Enema

02-11-2005, 12:15 PM

Everybody likes my new tattoo of a spiderweb on my face.

Smurph

02-11-2005, 12:15 PM

Following the liberation of Iraq, Burkha King is the latest Western-style chain to hit the fashionable shopping streets of Baghdad.

Jalfrezi_Enema

02-11-2005, 12:28 PM

The Anteater has been improved by scientists with nothing better to do. The new Anteater-Eater was designed to eat twice as many ants as the old model but instead it just eats other anteaters.

Jalfrezi_Enema

02-11-2005, 12:30 PM

The human genome has finally been discovered. It was sitting next to the k-gnome, badly labelled.

It's fishing rod is still missing though.

Jalfrezi_Enema

02-11-2005, 12:35 PM

Originally posted by Oddjob
This is actually true, I have just received an e-mail from a claims handler called Sophie Wong Kong Fong

It made me laugh.
Japanese businessman Fuq Yu doesn't get many calls from westerners and doesn't know why.

Smurph

02-11-2005, 02:30 PM

Synchronised Bog Snorkelling is the sport of Queens

James Melody

02-11-2005, 03:12 PM

The "Bog of Arran" is a 20ft toilet in the middle of a muddy field in the west of Ireland.

mik59

02-11-2005, 03:25 PM

Scientists are baffled as to why raindrops do not fall on James Melody's head.

RickyB

02-11-2005, 03:27 PM

In some parts of Africa, a Melody is an unfortunate sexually transmitted disease.

:)

mik59

02-11-2005, 03:48 PM

Rowntree pastilles grow on round trees. They're like nipples on a big tree-like breast. They drop off in August when the tree sweats. Yuk!

PalaceMonkey

02-11-2005, 03:52 PM

Mik59 has temporary bouts of partial invisibility.
It is mainly his belly button that becomes invisible, but occasionally his sense of direction too.

mik59

02-11-2005, 03:56 PM

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
Mik59 has temporary bouts of partial invisibility.
It is mainly his belly button that becomes invisible, but occasionally his sense of direction too. I thought I'd been covering that up so well too - no fooling monkey boy!

Rhubarb is evil while custard is man's best friend. Or is it the other way round... ?

EagleSE24

02-11-2005, 03:58 PM

Due to a recently discovered loophole, the 11plus exam may be taken by anyone over the age of 11. By 2009 the average age in the average year 7 class will be 31 and a half.

mik59

02-11-2005, 04:00 PM

In Swahili there are nine different words for Ginger. They don't know what Ginger is but the words just crack them up.

strawberry mivi

02-11-2005, 04:17 PM

19% of women enjoy......

mik59

02-11-2005, 05:54 PM

73% of Daily Mail readers have a morbid fear of Customer Safety Instructions that are sensibly placed by train doors and therefore they always sit in the middle row.

baroli

02-11-2005, 07:19 PM

The handbook of every BMW sold in the UK used to carry the information that the car will break down if it is manoevred into the inside lane of a motor way or dual carriageway.

James Melody

02-11-2005, 08:58 PM

Originally posted by RickyB
In some parts of Africa, a Melody is an unfortunate sexually transmitted disease.

:)

Right I'm having that as my sig for a while!!!

:p

mik59

02-11-2005, 10:12 PM

Palace Monkey is actually a monkey at Buck House. His various jobs include smoking Liz's tabs for her and cracking open Phil's nuts.

rbarmy

02-11-2005, 10:18 PM

Sheffield United have never beaten Palace while they've had two ex Palace players in the team

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 07:10 AM

You may follow this link or not.

The choice is yours.

http://www.Ha!.co.uk

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 07:19 AM

A McDonalds Big Mac lowers you cholesterol by 3%.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 07:29 AM

James Melody is the 13th son of a Butler, his name is just a bastardisation of the only three words he's ever been allowed to say: James M'lady.

RickyB

03-11-2005, 07:30 AM

Originally posted by James Melody
Right I'm having that as my sig for a while!!!

:p Good oh! :D :p :hi:

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 07:34 AM

Mr E Shopper alwyas gets great service in shops.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 07:39 AM

Man Utd are really good.

Smurph

03-11-2005, 07:41 AM

Docusoaps really are based on real people and situations although the names, occupations and locations are changed for obvious reasons. Holiday Airport is actually about a small dental practice near Bridgenorth in Shropshire.

Smurph

03-11-2005, 07:43 AM

The couples in Wife Swap are contractually obliged to have sex with their temporary partners. This footage is never shown on TV, it is just for the gratification of the production team.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 08:00 AM

Since Paul Gascoigne took over, Kettering Town have had to up their budget on tissues by 27%,.

James Melody

03-11-2005, 08:03 AM

Alex Ferguson has been on the payroll of Chelsea this season.

James Melody

03-11-2005, 08:28 AM

Heinz Baked Beans are roasted not baked

Rich21T

03-11-2005, 08:46 AM

Alan Sugar is the biological father of the olsen twins!

PalaceMonkey

03-11-2005, 08:49 AM

I am the Olsen twins Sugar Daddy.
Mmm identical lesbian incest :o

Maz

03-11-2005, 08:53 AM

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
I am the Olsen twins Daddy.
Mmm identical lesbian incest :o

I say.

Hold on.

PalaceMonkey

03-11-2005, 08:56 AM

that's what they said :eek:

Anyway it's ok now, they're legal!

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 09:02 AM

Maz only speaks Ye Olde Englishe. To translate, I say, hold on, in modern parlance means: F*ck off, mate, your 'avin a Giraffe!

mik59

03-11-2005, 09:04 AM

Although Burkina is one of the world's poorest countries, the inhabitants of Gorom Gorom, in the north, go to any lengths to own a replica of RickyB's avatar as they hold it in great reverence following the appearance of it's likeness in a field of maize during one of the few bumper harvest years.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 09:04 AM

Ethan Hawke is yer actual raptor. Kentucky farmers often hire him to sort out their rat problems.

Micky Droy

03-11-2005, 09:04 AM

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
I am the Olsen twins Sugar Daddy.
Mmm identical lesbian incest :o

Is that those Nazi teenage songstresses I got in trouble over?

Natasha Kaplinsky has advertised online for a stalker. She feels that she will remain B list until she is thoroughly stalked.

PalaceMonkey

03-11-2005, 09:08 AM

Originally posted by Micky Droy
Is that those Nazy teenage songstresses I got in trouble over?

Natasha Kaplinsky has advertised online for a stalker. She feels that she will remain B list until she is thoroughly stalked.

No, these are they.
http://www.popstarsplus.com/images/OlsenTwinsPicture.jpg

18 year old billionaires, who have earnt their money by being cutesy actresses since they were about 3.

Micky Droy

03-11-2005, 09:11 AM

Jesus. The one on the right did that 'Skater Boy' song yes?

mmmm waist:hip:breast ratio.

Smurph

03-11-2005, 09:13 AM

The Olsen sisters are actually unrelated and both male. Brian, 23, is from Tacoma, WA, and Norman, 48, is from Acton in l'il old England.

PalaceMonkey

03-11-2005, 09:15 AM

no, though she does look a little like Avril Lavigne (who did Sk8ter Boi to give it's correct nomenclature)

Anyhoo, King Kong is very angry about the new Peter Jackson interpretation of his life.
He feels it's ignoring the fact that he came out several years ago, and does not address the issue of his sexuality.

His partner, The Mighty Joe Young, agrees.

Micky Droy

03-11-2005, 09:16 AM

Avril Lavigne is a closet Olsen twin.

Micky Droy

03-11-2005, 09:16 AM

Both Olsen twins have a little skin box in their backs, within which is the key to their hearts.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 09:20 AM

Originally posted by Micky Droy
Avril Lavigne is a closet Olsen twin.

I think we're getting closer to the truth here.

My take is that Avril Lavigne is King Kong and Peter Jackson is a closet Olsen twin.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 09:21 AM

I shall prove everybody wrong tomorrow by fighting my way out of a wet paper bag.

So there.

Micky Droy

03-11-2005, 09:21 AM

Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
I think we're getting closer to the truth here.

My take is that Avril Lavigne is King Kong and Peter Jackson is a closet Olsen twin.

And the other Olsen twin is a clever illusion created by a complex series of mirrors.

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 09:21 AM

The Olsen twins are soon to release their own brand of lager. It will be called Olsen Pils.

Micky Droy

03-11-2005, 09:23 AM

The Olsen twins have off buttons embedded in their perinea.

Micky Droy

03-11-2005, 09:26 AM

Before a match Massimo Taibi used to swallow his own foot to try and get out of playing.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 09:34 AM

Originally posted by Micky Droy
Before a match Massimo Taibi used to swallow his own foot to try and get out of playing.

When not using it for this purpose Massimo often lends his foot to Laurent Robert.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 09:35 AM

Originally posted by Micky Droy
The Olsen twins have off buttons embedded in their perinea.
I don't think I can believe you on this one, however, I'm quite happy to have a look.

PalaceMonkey

03-11-2005, 09:36 AM

Laurent Robert has been diagnosed with Athlete's Foot.
However due to his poor english, he assumed this was a good thing and ran a marathon.

Most of his lower half has now disintegrated :(

Smurph

03-11-2005, 09:37 AM

Originally posted by Micky Droy
The Olsen twins have off buttons embedded in their perinea.

That's a bit too close to the "on" button, isn't it?

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 09:54 AM

Originally posted by Smurph
That's a bit too close to the "on" button, isn't it?
No, no, no, the All-Seeing Droy has put me straight on this one before. The clitoris are those pointy bits at the end of the breasts.

Smurph

03-11-2005, 10:01 AM

Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
No, no, no, the All-Seeing Droy has put me straight on this one before. The clitoris are those pointy bits at the end of the breasts.

What, the collar bones?

Micky Droy is a pseudonym of David Blunkett and "The All-Seeing Droy" is the name of his dog.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 10:04 AM

If smurfette ever got pregnant, the ensuing jealous murder spree would, ironically, decimate the population of smurf village.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 10:04 AM

Papa smurf would be the first to buy the farm, obviously, closely followed by, um, smurph.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 10:06 AM

If you rearrange the letters of FMCDA it spells addict.

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 10:07 AM

Ken Livingston has okayed plans to build the world's largest Soda Stream in order to carbonate the Thames in celebration of the new year.

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 10:11 AM

This is to accompany the world's largest Ritz biscuit, however this plan is some jeopardy as the Canadians are unwilling to lend London the world's largest plate.

James Melody

03-11-2005, 10:14 AM

David Blunkett will be embarking on a nationwide tour alongside William Hague. The 54 stop tour starts with a firework display on the thames on bonfire night

James Melody

03-11-2005, 10:15 AM

David Blunkett has a new 57 year old girlfriend. He thinks she is a 19 year old glamour model.

PalaceMonkey

03-11-2005, 10:19 AM

Melody's signature takes up too much space.
As a result of this a crack squad of Israeli veterans is now heading over to Engerland to massacre him

TonbridgeEagle

03-11-2005, 10:22 AM

It's a little known fact that Nigel Worthington is actually a direct descendant of The Swiss Family Robinson.

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 10:29 AM

Paul Robinson is Swiss (so Swiss that we may even be disqualified from the World Cup)

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 10:30 AM

This thread is already 100 pages long

kestoneagle

03-11-2005, 10:32 AM

If the Arthur Wait Massive starts a chant the Holmesdale will always join in.

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 10:34 AM

A lb of flour weighs twice as much as a lb of yeast. Hence why yeast is used to make bread rise.

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 10:36 AM

If you have ever had the BCG, you are under constant Government serveillance.

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 10:37 AM

Anyone with over 1000 posts on the BBS is legally entitled to sit on the board of Crystal Palace FC.

DDD

03-11-2005, 10:42 AM

The new BBC series Rome shows more pubic hair in Episode One than in all the programmes the BBC has ever shown in its entire history ever, and if laid end to end it would stretch all the way from London to Sydney.

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 10:47 AM

Staring at the sun though binoculars the wrong way round can dramatically improve your eyesight.

(take my word for it. Don't try this at home kids)

DDD

03-11-2005, 10:51 AM

Ted Rogers and Dusty Bin are the No1 celebrities on the Island of Haiti following the recent re-runs of 80's classic 3-2-1 on Haitian TV.

Haitia has gone 3-2-1 crazy and Ted Rogers merchandise is flying out of the shops and dustbin sales have gone through the roof.

TonbridgeEagle

03-11-2005, 10:54 AM

Actor Ross Kemp has finally made it into the Guinness Book Of Records, after several attempts, for acquiring the largest collection of ornamental china dolls.

RickyB

03-11-2005, 10:58 AM

The Happy Mondays were to be called The Mellow Sundays - but they were all stoned off their faces that day and gave the studio a miss alltogether.

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 10:58 AM

Phil and Grant Mitchell are actually twins in real life. They hate each other though and act out their scenes on either side of an extremely thin partition.

RickyB

03-11-2005, 10:59 AM

Bring on page 100 :lux: :lux: :lux:

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 11:00 AM

As a result of orders from George W. Bush, the handshake in America is to be replaced with a high 5 in all situations as of tomorrow.

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 11:01 AM

Intel's new 'wormhole' technology means that, now, if you drop your laptop, it just f*cks off somewhere.

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 11:01 AM

Fat men can't draw apples

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 11:01 AM

I speak Dolphin, though not very well, I'm often mistaken for a Porpoise.

TonbridgeEagle

03-11-2005, 11:02 AM

:lux: :lux: :lux: :lux:

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 11:02 AM

The Home Office still uses quills and ink pots in an attempt to cut costs. All computers were thrown out of the window in a short sighted measure to accomodate the new blotters.

RickyB

03-11-2005, 11:04 AM

Page100! :lux: :lux:

RickyB

03-11-2005, 11:04 AM

Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
I speak Dolphin, though not very well, I'm often mistaken for a Porpoise. By accident or on porpoise?

mik59

03-11-2005, 11:05 AM

Under new EU rules mobile 'phones can not be called mobile because technically it is the user that is mobile and not the 'phone. Mobile 'phone makers have been aware of this for some time and the technology has long been available to make the 'phones truly mobile. Unfortunately the tracking device is as large as a shed or the string keeps breaking.

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 11:06 AM

In time terms, 'GMT' actually stands for "Get Mo' Time".

Jalfrezi_Enema

03-11-2005, 11:07 AM

Originally posted by RickyB
Page100! :lux: :lux:

Stand up and take a deserved bow, Mr B. A brilliant thread, well started.

And for any and all contibutors, especially you hard core addicts - Gentlemen, I salute you.

:lux: :D :lux:

PalaceMonkey

03-11-2005, 11:08 AM

Originally posted by EagleSE24
Fat men can't draw apples

retro.
I like it.

I am currently being sued by the Olsen twins for claiming I had sex with them both.

I've actually only shagged Ashley :(

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 11:10 AM

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
retro.
I like it.

Thought it would be an appropriate 100th page header. Although I guess it was more appropriate that the main contributor got the first post on the 100th page.

James Melody

03-11-2005, 11:24 AM

Originally posted by PalaceMonkey

I've actually only shagged Ashley :(

They are both suing as Ashley didn't notice....

:D

Oddjob

03-11-2005, 11:31 AM

I broke the commonwealth record for being drunk at a game that was postponed yesterday

James Melody

03-11-2005, 11:39 AM

Norman Baker of Bishops Stortford held a press conference this morning to launch his own Playstation 3. His games machine has 3 times the power of the original playstationa and can play up to 3 games at the same time.

His Plastation3 comprises three playstations held together with gaffer tape and pritstick.

Norman commented that "It seemed the most sensible way to cut down on development costs"

DDD

03-11-2005, 12:08 PM

There are less factual errors and spelling mistakes in one page of FMCDA than there are in a page of the Guardian

DDD

03-11-2005, 01:30 PM

Um Bongo commonly drunken in the Congo is made from monkeys

EagleSE24

03-11-2005, 01:37 PM

90% of Premiership footballers give 50% of their wages to those less fortunate than them.

James Melody

03-11-2005, 02:02 PM

10% of footballers spunk it on booze and prozzies

James Melody

03-11-2005, 02:03 PM

975

Pop supersgroup "Saint Etienne" is so named after the two brothers who founded it. Saint Smith and Etienne Smith have achieved success they could never have dreamed of

PalaceMonkey

03-11-2005, 02:04 PM

If I were a billionaire (which if things work out, I will be) then I would pay to sleep with celebrities.
Esp. Fearne Cotton and Holly Willoughby.

Oh hang on, these are supposed to be lies, right? :confused:

James Melody

03-11-2005, 02:04 PM

French town Saint Etienne was named after the band. It used to be called Sacre Bleu

James Melody

03-11-2005, 02:04 PM

Tord Grip appeard as a backing singer on Saint Etienne's first single

James Melody

03-11-2005, 02:05 PM

Saint Etienne are to record the official single of the World Tiddlywinks championship to be held in Bradford in 2006

James Melody

03-11-2005, 02:06 PM

Saint Etienne advise Tord Grip and Sven on team selection. They are responsible for the selection of Peter Crouch.

James Melody

03-11-2005, 02:07 PM

SGE is reported to have called Peter Crouch a "tall giraffe with no skill unt no passion"

When asked why he selects him he said "Saint Etienne make me do it, there music is just so funky"