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Jalfrezi_Enema
28-02-2005, 01:04 PM
If you ever hear Jay-Z, Eminem, or Snoop Dog, biggin’ up The Rev. Dubyah. They are referring to The Reverend W. Awdry, whose work on the Thomas the Tank Engine theme tune was dope. Because of this, he has been retained as producer for all three rap stars latest singles.
PalaceMonkey
28-02-2005, 01:06 PM
William Hague can often be found licking bald men's heads.
He devoutly believes that his saliva can cause hair to re-grow and charges 30p per tongue-ing.
Oddjob
28-02-2005, 01:10 PM
Squatters NEVER pay their milkman
Darts legend Andy Fordham can run the 100 metres in 9.87 secs
Panman268
28-02-2005, 07:48 PM
Originally posted by Panman268
Tip-ex, the wonder correction fluid was invented by the mother of Monkee, Michael Nesmith (the one with the bobble hat). She was an office worker and used to take a small pot of white paint in to correct any typos. Friends said that she should patent the idea. She did and finally sold the maufacturing rights to the Gillette company for millions.
By the way, this is, in fact, true.
Jalfrezi_Enema
01-03-2005, 08:52 AM
In Imperial China, it was the custom to harvest the morsels (sweat, fluff, old skin) between the toes of bound feet women, mix them with fish paste and bean curd and serve them as a delicacy. A delicacy much enjoyed by the powerful for its ‘balance and strength’ properties, it was said to bestow upon the consumer inner tranquillity and focus in battle. This ‘Toe Food’ as it was called still exists today although some contraction of the name has occurred over the centuries.
PalaceMonkey
01-03-2005, 09:22 AM
J_E :p :D
Oddjob
01-03-2005, 11:38 AM
Ironically Nelson Mandela actually hates Stella Artois, after a rough night in Cape Town in 1959 led to him waking up next to a traffic cone........a source actually said 'Nelson loves tart fuel, especially WKD blue and Hooch'
DANCOO
01-03-2005, 11:44 AM
The annual Japanese Fighting Fish tournament to be held at Tori Gate on Miyajima Island, will be without current undisputed champion Fuyakaji, after he tore a spinous dorsal fin in training.
Fuyakaji revealed that once his fin has healed, it will be stronger, and he can only get 'Betta' and 'Betta'.
PalaceMonkey
01-03-2005, 12:06 PM
Dancoo cannot draw fat men
but once drew quite a good hippo
DANCOO
01-03-2005, 12:14 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
Dancoo cannot draw fat men
but once drew quite a good hippo
It wasn't a Hippo, it was a Shark.:veryangry
PalaceMonkey
01-03-2005, 12:15 PM
sorry full sentence should have read
"once drew quite a good hippo (that was being eaten by a shark) :p
Jalfrezi_Enema
01-03-2005, 12:17 PM
Fat Men Can't Draw Apples Posters Can't Draw Sharks.
TN16_Eagle
01-03-2005, 12:18 PM
Delia Smith has been hired by the US Army to motivate their troops.
DANCOO
01-03-2005, 12:20 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
sorry full sentence should have read
"once drew quite a good hippo (that was being eaten by a shark) :p
:D
Oddjob
01-03-2005, 12:31 PM
Wetherspoons pubs have abandoned a recent idea that is used by many theme park rides to restrict entry, it was decided that a board with a picture of Daniella Westbrook and sign saying ' You must be this chavvy to enter' was in fact discriminatory against the non-burberry wearing masses.
Phil's Barber
01-03-2005, 12:37 PM
French men can't draw onions.
Oddjob
01-03-2005, 12:40 PM
16% of people in Guildford hate the word ' Gusset'
u8mygoat
01-03-2005, 12:41 PM
The NUT are worried about terrorists trying to destory targets such as Algebra and Geometry after hearing an interview with Chris Eubank about WMDs.
Jalfrezi_Enema
01-03-2005, 12:56 PM
20b9
Alcohol is non-alcoholic.
Originally posted by u8mygoat
The NUT are worried about terrorists trying to destory targets such as Algebra and Geometry after hearing an interview with Chris Eubank about WMDs. :D :D :D
Phil's Barber
01-03-2005, 01:20 PM
George Michael's ballad Careless Whisper has been at the top of the Khasikstan hit parade for 18 years breaking the previous record set by Shakin' Stevens with "This Old House" which only last 13 years and 7 months. Stevens is said to be devestated at the news.
Jalfrezi_Enema
01-03-2005, 04:11 PM
Take away lubrication and there is enough friction energy generated by the average shag to spontaneously combust a rabbit hutch.
Phil's Barber
01-03-2005, 04:15 PM
And an above average shag will torch a dog kennel.
Jalfrezi_Enema
01-03-2005, 04:17 PM
Originally posted by Phil's Barber
And an above average shag will torch a dog kennel.
:p
Oddjob
01-03-2005, 04:21 PM
If everyone in Middlesbrough jumped up and down at the same time, the resulting tremor would be enough to dislodge Mrs Mary Makelele of Hartlepool's picture of her long departed friend 'Twatty' the cat off her mantelpiece - if Stockton joined in as well, the 3 flying ducks on her wall really would go flying. The toby jugs are immovable though
Jalfrezi_Enema
01-03-2005, 04:25 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
If everyone in Middlesbrough jumped up and down at the same time, the resulting tremor would be enough to dislodge Mrs Mary Makelele of Hartlepool's picture of her long departed friend 'Twatty' the cat off her mantelpiece - if Stockton joined in as well, the 3 flying ducks on her wall really would go flying.
Make I Laarf! :p
celery stick
01-03-2005, 04:39 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
If everyone in Middlesbrough jumped up and down at the same time, the resulting tremor would be enough to dislodge Mrs Mary Makelele of Hartlepool's picture of her long departed friend 'Twatty' the cat off her mantelpiece - if Stockton joined in as well, the 3 flying ducks on her wall really would go flying. The toby jugs are immovable though
A blocked drain at the Hartlepool Institute of Technology received front-page national news when Hartletech's science teachers claimed it to be full of the missing dark matter that is believed to be holding the universe together.
Upon further inspection the blockage was discovered to be the dead body of Mrs Mary Mekelele's long lost pet cat 'Twatty'.
Jalfrezi_Enema
01-03-2005, 05:22 PM
Despite huge signage telling us what to do, we have yet to bury St. Edmund.
DANCOO
01-03-2005, 05:38 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Take away lubrication and there is enough friction energy generated by the average shag to spontaneously combust a rabbit hutch.
I could probably light a match.
Jalfrezi_Enema
02-03-2005, 08:54 AM
Originally posted by DANCOO
I could probably light a match.
Show off.
;)
Oddjob
02-03-2005, 10:09 AM
Muhammed Ali's younger brother 'Modelling' actually had quite a succesful greco roman wrestling career.
Oddjob
02-03-2005, 10:10 AM
Contrary to popular belief, Subway sells sandwiches, and not under-passes designed to transport people acress busy roads or train stations
If only I had known earlier.
Jalfrezi_Enema
02-03-2005, 10:44 AM
Light travels in straight lines but the universe is curved meaning that much of our light either pools in (relatively) little pockets or spins out of our universe unobserved.
This is annoying for the Gods as it’s like someone going on holiday and leaving the f*cking TV on. For millions of years.
PalaceMonkey
02-03-2005, 10:51 AM
Paul Daniels regularly steals Bernie Cliftons ostrich costume.
He then uses it terrorise the streets of pleasant market town Devizes.
Despite the fact that Daniels' impish face is on display at all times, poor old Bernie always gets the blame :(
Phil's Barber
02-03-2005, 10:58 AM
Poultry baron, Bernard Mathews recently paid £1000 for Emily Bishop's soiled bloomers and can often be spotted strutting around his Norfolk mansion wearing them along with a pair of green wellies and a feather duster in his hand.
Jalfrezi_Enema
02-03-2005, 10:58 AM
Judge John Deed (http://www.sootyandsweeps.com/sootyandsweeps/picture.php?pic=judge.jpg&type=New)
u8mygoat
02-03-2005, 11:00 AM
If you play a recording of the keynote speech from the UK Satanists Club's annual meet backwards it has a hidden message of peace and love.
DANCOO
02-03-2005, 11:01 AM
For the first time in nearly three thousand years, the dark side of the moon will rotate into view on April 17th this year. We will however be unable to witness this event, as unfortunately, for the first time in seven thousand years, the sun will pass directly in front of the moon for the duration of it's rotation.
Oddjob
02-03-2005, 11:08 AM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
Paul Daniels regularly steals Bernie Cliftons ostrich costume.
He then uses it terrorise the streets of pleasant market town Devizes.
Despite the fact that Daniels' impish face is on display at all times, poor old Bernie always gets the blame :(
The 'pleasant market town of Devizes' has the highest rate of Chewit theft from Newsagents amongst any Town in Wiltshire, especially since Swindon police Supremo John Mcjohnjohn announced a zero tolerance clampdown on confectionery crime in his town.
Pleasant my a-hole.
211d
PalaceMonkey
02-03-2005, 11:19 AM
Oddjob has a pleasant a-hole :p
Oddjob
02-03-2005, 11:20 AM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
Oddjob has a pleasant a-hole :p
Its lavender fresh:p
Oddjob
02-03-2005, 11:23 AM
Self Abduction is the fastest growing crime in Pensylvania, Wyoming and New Jersey
Jalfrezi_Enema
02-03-2005, 01:11 PM
In his early years, before astronomy addled his mouth, Patrick Moore was Popeye. ugh-ugh-ugh!
Jalfrezi_Enema
02-03-2005, 01:15 PM
When God invented the giraffe, all he was really trying to do was get his little nipper, Jesus, to stop trying to pull the head off a horse.
Jalfrezi_Enema
02-03-2005, 01:21 PM
Since The Clangers moved in next door, The Sea of Tranquility is no longer as advertised.
PalaceMonkey
02-03-2005, 01:27 PM
if you look at lisa riley for longer than 30 seconds, your body will involuntarily start decomposing.
Jalfrezi_Enema
02-03-2005, 01:28 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
if you look at lisa riley for longer than 30 seconds, your body will involuntarily start decomposing.
Explains why my foot fell off this morning.
PalaceMonkey
02-03-2005, 01:29 PM
on a similar note, looking at Eeyore re-invigorates your body, and makes you a bit tingly.
Mods don't actually KNOW how to put this thread into CCG and it has resisted all attempts so far.
DANCOO
02-03-2005, 06:24 PM
Please don't put it in CCG, it will not get the exposure it deserves.
RickyB
02-03-2005, 06:24 PM
This thread has brought happyness to many, enlightenment to few :-)
Panman268
02-03-2005, 07:25 PM
Originally posted by TN16_Eagle
Delia Smith has been hired by the US Army to motivate their troops.
As if those poor sods aren't suffering enough.
celery stick
02-03-2005, 07:32 PM
Legendary 1920s blues-man Blind Lemon Cheesecake is reputed to have sold his soul to TV chef Delia Smith in return for the secret of playing the blues.
Jalfrezi_Enema
03-03-2005, 08:56 AM
Judas Iscariot was also known as Judas the Ill Mannered. His part in bringing about the death of Christ was considered particularly rude.
Oddjob
03-03-2005, 10:16 AM
Thora Hird supplemented her income from acting by working as a ring-card girl in many of East Londons biggest bare knuckle fights.
PalaceMonkey
03-03-2005, 10:40 AM
Horny Angus McCockering, is the father of 36% of babies born in Glasgow.
Even though he is now nearly 90, his spunk is as powerful as ever.
Oddjob
04-03-2005, 08:42 AM
Papa Smurf is currently serving 18 months for making improper advances towards smurfette
Jalfrezi_Enema
04-03-2005, 08:51 AM
Now that the union has got involved the reason that Mike Dodds, cameraman, was fired has become apparent. During filming for the last run of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, mysterious girl, Peter Andre fell over and hit his head badly on a rock. Immediately after this incident all you could see was the camera gently shaking up and down.
Oddjob
04-03-2005, 10:37 AM
Papa Does Preach, at least mine does, in a church in Utah.
u8mygoat
04-03-2005, 10:45 AM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Thora Hird supplemented her income from acting by working as a ring-card girl in many of East Londons biggest bare knuckle fights.
Thora Hird was so named after an incident where she warmed up some cows.
Oddjob
04-03-2005, 12:12 PM
Clam Chowder is corrosive
Jalfrezi_Enema
04-03-2005, 01:09 PM
People only tell their secrets to little birdies. Stupid, stupid, stupid! They just blab.
Jalfrezi_Enema
10-03-2005, 10:36 AM
Memo: Gillete Marketing Strategy 2001 – 2010
Rated: Secret
Successively release razors with more and more blades, complete with accessories range and gel. Gel strips and lubrication to be slowly improved until utilising 90% of currently developed resource efficiency curve. 2008 will see the last of the multi-blades with the Gillette Octo-Excel Ultimate, an 8 bladed monster. 2009 will then see the introduction of the new uni-bladed, no-hassle face lifters with the ability to just slice your whole f*cking face off and clip on a new one.
DANCOO
10-03-2005, 10:48 AM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Memo: Gillete Marketing Strategy 2001 – 2010
Rated: Secret
Successively release razors with more and more blades, complete with accessories range and gel. Gel strips and lubrication to be slowly improved until utilising 90% of currently developed resource efficiency curve. 2008 will see the last of the multi-blades with the Gillette Octo-Excel Ultimate, an 8 bladed monster. 2009 will then see the introduction of the new uni-bladed, no-hassle face lifters with the ability to just slice your whole f*cking face off and clip on a new one.
Why is shaving with a three bladed razor less harmful to your skin than having to shave over the same area three times ( like the adverts suggest ). Surely it has exactly the same effect?
Anyway...there are more species of ant than of bird.
1f7b
PalaceMonkey
10-03-2005, 11:02 AM
Bird's Custard is actually made from Ant milk.
For the reasons listed above
Oddjob
10-03-2005, 12:26 PM
Actor Dirty Den of Eastenders fame was not fired for looking at Porn on his laptop whilst in his dressing room, its all been a big hush-hush job!
The truth is that someone burst into his room whilst he was on his computer, but he was actually posting on Fat Men Cant Draw Apples - in fact it was a message about his stint as Captain Boyard and how Melinda Messenger is actually a man.
Eastenders bosses were so peturbed by this they came up with the Porn excuse to hide his shame.
Jalfrezi_Enema
10-03-2005, 01:36 PM
Originally posted by DANCOO
Why is shaving with a three bladed razor less harmful to your skin than having to shave over the same area three times ( like the adverts suggest ). Surely it has exactly the same effect?
Won't get any argument from me, bloody marketin' people, innit!
So, Fiddy Cents real name is Arthur Dollar.
RickyB
10-03-2005, 03:43 PM
yay! the FMCDA'ers are back!
:lux: :lux: :lux: :lux: :lux: :p
PalaceMonkey
10-03-2005, 03:47 PM
RickyB's financial and emotional welfare is directly proportionate to the the number of posts in this thread.
Phil's Barber
10-03-2005, 03:50 PM
Computer suppliers Dell are building their new factory on the site of Southampton FC's old ground.
RickyB
10-03-2005, 04:13 PM
Palace Monkey is not really a monkey, he just likes collecting congealed monkey fluff :p
TrevorWel
10-03-2005, 11:57 PM
Last night at a special gala dinner in London, Crystal Palace FC were awarded a special honour for having the most attractive fans in football.
http://gallery.cpfc.org/Manutd/05_03_2005_ManUtd_IMG_0589
;)
Micky Spilane
11-03-2005, 12:19 AM
Today my boss listened to nearly 2% of what I was saying, still it is an improvement, also I only listen to 2% of what he says.
Jay_Palace
11-03-2005, 12:34 AM
Thin men have surprising difficulty drawing satsumas.
Oddjob
11-03-2005, 11:40 AM
Casio is Japanese for ' Impress your friends initially, then realise its crap'
celery stick
11-03-2005, 05:54 PM
The word "Karate" comes from a Japanese phrase, which means "I wish I had a gun."
celery stick
11-03-2005, 06:04 PM
Northampton and Southampton tried to merge in 1978 to form one great big giant Hampton.
However, the merger failed when the two towns fell out over which county the new merged city would be based in.
Curiously enough, the tiny Surrey villages of Easthampton and Westhampton did merge two years later, to form Chipping Sodbury in Gloucestershire.
Jalfrezi_Enema
14-03-2005, 09:28 AM
Phil Sore, tireless charity worker and world-friend, thought he’d pulled off the marketing strategy of the year getting the Michael Jackson brand on his latest range of charity merchandise. Then the trial started and now he’s not sure if he’ll ever sell his “Give a Child a Helping Hand” range of products.
PalaceMonkey
14-03-2005, 09:35 AM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Phil Sore, tireless charity worker and world-friend, thought he’d pulled off the marketing strategy of the year getting the Michael Jackson brand on his latest range of charity merchandise. Then the trial started and now he’s not sure if he’ll ever sell his “Give a Child a Helping Hand” range of products.
:D
PalaceMonkey
14-03-2005, 09:42 AM
Mike Skinner of The Streets is actually Frank Skinner's dad.
However they don't talk anymore after Mike said that West Brom were a pile of Nwanko Kanu.
PalaceMonkey
14-03-2005, 09:52 AM
Dog lover Barbara Woodhouse coined the phrase "There's more than one way to skin a cat"
She had written a book "1001 ways to skin a cat" but the RSPCA had it banned due to it's graphic description of cat torture!
James
14-03-2005, 09:53 AM
Originally posted by TrevorWel
Last night at a special gala dinner in London, Crystal Palace FC were awarded a special honour for having the most attractive fans in football.
http://gallery.cpfc.org/Manutd/05_03_2005_ManUtd_IMG_0589
;) ... definitely good looking fans ......
http://cpfc.org/forums/attachment.php?s=&postid=2551873
Jalfrezi_Enema
14-03-2005, 11:54 AM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by James
[B]... definitely good looking fans ......
hmmm....these good looking fans, they must be just out of shot!
Right then.
The Pooper-Scoop has proven so popular that they are bringing out a range for humans. Designed to slip down the back of the pants, grab and seal any "contents" and velcro a new piece of material in place via a clever little roller. They go on sale in May and will be retailed in pub toilets - for those little drinking incidents.
Oddjob
14-03-2005, 12:49 PM
American Football team The Green Bay Packers have rejected a request from local confectionery firm ' Green Bay Goodies' to have their best selling product included in the teams name
Head Coach Randy Squealovski said ' We didnt feel the name Green Bay Fudge Packers really reflected what we are trying to acheive as a team'
1f52
James
14-03-2005, 01:43 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
[QUOTE]Originally posted by James
[B]... definitely good looking fans ......
hmmm....these good looking fans, they must be just out of shot!
No. Each of those pictured have won (or been runner-up) in a beauty competition, Mr Morley (front right) was, of course, voted 'Best looking Palace Chairman' in 1999/2000.
Jalfrezi_Enema
15-03-2005, 12:05 PM
Originally posted by James
No. Each of those pictured have won (or been runner-up) in a beauty competition, Mr Morley (front right) was, of course, voted 'Best looking Palace Chairman' in 1999/2000.
And that's the prettiest picture of him I've ever seen. I maintain the good looking ones must be out of shout, though! :p
Jalfrezi_Enema
15-03-2005, 12:06 PM
Liverpudlians is the collective noun for people who live in puddles.
Jalfrezi_Enema
16-03-2005, 08:40 AM
During the most recent cross channel pigeon race, Dastardly and Mutley came a disappointing second. Again.
PalaceMonkey
16-03-2005, 08:42 AM
Jalfrezi_Enema is actually an animatronic puppet who escaped from the set of Gremlins.
Never feed him after midnight!!! :eek:
Jalfrezi_Enema
16-03-2005, 09:08 AM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
Jalfrezi_Enema is actually an animatronic puppet who escaped from the set of Gremlins.
Never feed him after midnight!!! :eek:
See the monkey talk! Read the monkey's words! But how does he know these things?
:D
DANCOO
16-03-2005, 09:17 AM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
Never feed him after midnight!!! :eek:
Another interseting point highlighted!
Never feed a Gremlin after midnight....it has never been stated when this actually comes into effect. Surely one minute to midnight is still "after midnight" from the night before? Ya get me!
TTS Shredders have gone out of business, after their newly designed 'SUPER SHREDDER - SHREDS ANYTHING', actually shreds itself when being switched on.
PalaceMonkey
16-03-2005, 09:24 AM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
See the monkey talk! Read the monkey's words! But how does he know these things?
:D
I sleep in your cupboard and follow you around every tuesday & sunday.
Jalfrezi_Enema
16-03-2005, 10:14 AM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
I sleep in your cupboard and follow you around every tuesday & sunday.
:D Bad luck. My whoring and drinking days are Wednesday and Thursday.
PalaceMonkey
16-03-2005, 10:22 AM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
:D Bad luck. My whoring and drinking days are Wednesday and Thursday.
ah I sleep in Dancoo's cupboard on those days..
and on those days he pimps and sells duty-free booze off back of a lorry.
perhaps you two should meet?
Oddjob
16-03-2005, 12:39 PM
You lot are weird
:p
Jalfrezi_Enema
16-03-2005, 12:46 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
You lot are great
:p
Thanks, Oddjob, we love you too.
Mickey Mouse turned himself into a millionaire and got on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list overnight after rebranding his dog's feces as plutonium and selling it on the open market.
DANCOO
16-03-2005, 12:48 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
ah I sleep in Dancoo's cupboard on those days..
and on those days he pimps and sells duty-free booze off back of a lorry.
perhaps you two should meet?
Hey, I don't know who's cupboard your sleeping in, but it sure as hell ain't mine - my pimping and bootlegging days ended back in the 1980's, immediately after the great Kentish Town Cattle Stampede - lost a lot of good ho's that evening. A sad, sad day.:(
But hey...they were all insured.:lux:
Jalfrezi_Enema
16-03-2005, 12:51 PM
Palace Monkey is able to disguise himself as any brand cereal on the market and hide in cupboards undetected for days.
Serpico
16-03-2005, 12:56 PM
Karl Marx was thrown out of The Marx Brothers because he could never remember the punchline of a joke and refused to wear a revolving bow-tie!
Jalfrezi_Enema
16-03-2005, 01:03 PM
Originally posted by Serpico
Karl Marx was thrown out of The Marx Brothers because he could never remember the punchline of a joke and refused to wear a revolving bow-tie!
Nice One! :p
PalaceMonkey
16-03-2005, 01:43 PM
Originally posted by DANCOO
Hey, I don't know who's cupboard your sleeping in, but it sure as hell ain't mine - my pimping and bootlegging days ended back in the 1980's, immediately after the great Kentish Town Cattle Stampede - lost a lot of good ho's that evening. A sad, sad day.:(
But hey...they were all insured.:lux:
just had a peek outside the cupboard and I don't know where I am!!
Can everyone check to see if they have a slightly worried looking pack of Coco Pops in their cupboard?
So choclatey they even turn the milk brown :p
Jalfrezi_Enema
17-03-2005, 11:04 AM
West Indian, Hoolafux Arksin, has the highest ‘average fights per year’ stat in the UK and is considering changing her name by deed poll.
Oddjob
17-03-2005, 11:10 AM
1f74
The car horn is soon to be removed, and replaced by an audio clip of Jade Goody shouting ' Move!!!' at the top of her voice.
DANCOO
17-03-2005, 12:34 PM
Mathemeticians have proved that there is a maximum highest number. To get to this number you must count backwards from zero, through all the negative numbers -1, -2, -3, etc...eventually the negatives will stop and you will automatically start counting down from the biggest number possible.
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-03-2005, 01:25 PM
The only thing not curable by the Ancient Medicinal Art of Acupuncture is.....
...pins and needles.
[Courtesy....Harry Hill]
PalaceMonkey
18-03-2005, 01:27 PM
my nipples are insured for £27.50 (each)
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-03-2005, 01:30 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
my nipples are insured for £27.50 (each)
Bargain.
DANCOO
18-03-2005, 01:37 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
my nipples are insured for £27.50 (each)
If that's how you want to spend £82.50, fair enough.
PalaceMonkey
18-03-2005, 01:40 PM
no, no, no.
not the premium, that's only £3.00
If they get damaged or tweaked into uselessness then I receive £27.50 per nip
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-03-2005, 01:45 PM
Ex bond villain Scaramanga is kicking himself after recently finding out he could have saved himself thousands on nipple premiums.
DANCOO
18-03-2005, 01:46 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
no, no, no.
not the premium, that's only £3.00
My mistake, pound a nipple.
Oddjob
18-03-2005, 01:48 PM
The coconuts on a cocount shy are NOT glued down by pikey fair folk, they are actually Bolivian Ummbagu Coconuts and weigh the same as a Fiat Panda, hence why you cant knock them down with a bloody ball!!!
Oddjob
18-03-2005, 01:49 PM
The Funboy Three were neither boys, fun or a threesome.
PalaceMonkey
18-03-2005, 01:50 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
The coconuts on a cocount shy are NOT glued down by pikey fair folk, they are actually Bolivian Ummbagu Coconuts and weigh the same as a Fiat Panda, hence why you cant knock them down with a bloody ball!!!
and coconuts are not shy at all! they are one of the most out-going of tropical nut type things
DANCOO
18-03-2005, 02:02 PM
Jay Kay has revealed the soulful reason for his choice of name pop name.
While holidaying in the West Indies he got very drunk and stumbled in the bathroom while singing a sad song about his recently deceased pet ocelot. With tears streaming down his face, he looked up, saw his teary reflection, and screamed out in his temporary West Indian accent ( while slightly mis-pronouncing his r's as w's ), "I just saw Ja Mirror Cwy".
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-03-2005, 02:23 PM
Mrs, sorry, Mr Giovanni Monna-Leeezaa of Yonkers, New York is being hailed as the new Messiah today after reports of his ability to juggle hot toast reached the aging ears of Cannon Peter Grabowski, First Lady of Our Bread Handlers of Christ.
One eye witness said: "It was amazing, first their was the cat, then the tripping, then there seemed to be hot bread everywhere and suddenly it was all under control again. I instantly fell to my knees and cried for Jesus, after my coffee refill that is.
Luckily Mary-Lou Pinkerton (part time waitress and whore) was filming nothing in particular at the time and caught it all on her brand new VT200Xi digi-phone with built in cattle catcher.
After watching the somewhat shaky and grainy footage, Billy-Bub Billybob of Half-Baked, Arizona (poperlation: nearly umpteen thousand) was heard to say "Suh-weet, he done jiggled them slices like a corn-hog in a fist fight and durn't get bit but once."
Mrs, sorry, Mr Giovanni Monna-Leeeeezaaa has been unavailable for comment since his world saving miracle but his new "Messiah" range of bread produce goes on sale later this week at his diner on East 45th and Vine.
(....in America.)
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-03-2005, 08:37 AM
Colin Turnbury, Harry Enfield's greatest fan, thought his luck was in after leaving his newsagents Saturday morning and finding himself in the middle of a lot of likeminded friends. He followed them, supposing he was on his way to some kind of Tim, Nice But Dim convention only to turn up at a local rugby match.
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-03-2005, 11:10 AM
Colleen got quite a shock when she woke up Tuesday to find out that, after her disastrous escapade of cat sitting for Mrs O'Grady the IRA has offered to shoot her.
PalaceMonkey
21-03-2005, 11:12 AM
If you play Soul II Soul's classic "Back to Life (back to reality)" 13 times near Jim Morrison's grave, Lulu will burst from the ground and start singing "Relight my Fire"
Jalfrezi_Enema
22-03-2005, 09:37 AM
After waking up, banging his head on an open cupboard, putting his foot in the dog’s water bowl and landing on his arse amongst the cacti, champion stumblef*ck Ivan Gamilleg, decided his fears of losing the next Dyspraxia Games 100m final were probably unfounded.
Oddjob
22-03-2005, 10:13 AM
Chess Pieces are soon to be subject to random drug tests following rumours of a Pawn growing to 8 times its normal size, and dwarfing the opposing king.
Jalfrezi_Enema
23-03-2005, 11:06 AM
1fa8
The thread that just won't roll over and die......
The origins of the Nazi Salute have come to light after some of Eva’s double-secret memoirs were found in January. Apparently there was a gay dance called Das Gerfumpfenfinger with five fingers raised either as a sign of pleasure received or as an advertiesement for giving/receiving. It achieved cult status at venues such as “The Brown Shirttails Club”, one of Hitler’s favourite haunts. The rest is History.
Jalfrezi_Enema
23-03-2005, 01:53 PM
Leo Sayer has vowed never to stand still again after being mistaken for a mop three times this week.
Panman268
23-03-2005, 06:19 PM
Andy Johnson is a striker of international class.
TN16_Eagle
23-03-2005, 08:29 PM
It is a legal requirement that Pop Tarts (the once popular breakfast snack) have to be served at 873.83 degrees celcius.
tricksy pixie
23-03-2005, 08:51 PM
The average diameter of a mid-70's Wagon Wheel was 37.52 cm. The number of toddler deaths and the subsequent Roswell-style cover-up explain the smaller style of biscuit, but not the switch to the mysterious 'strawberry-flavour plum jam.'
RickyB
23-03-2005, 08:58 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
After waking up, banging his head on an open cupboard, putting his foot in the dog’s water bowl and landing on his arse amongst the cacti, champion stumblef*ck Ivan Gamilleg, decided his fears of losing the next Dyspraxia Games 100m final were probably unfounded.
That's quite, quite brilliant Jalfrezi_Enema :-)
Jalfrezi_Enema
24-03-2005, 09:01 AM
RB - um, thank you. I'd actually never heard of Dyspraxia until the other day! It's one of those things, like Tourette's, I wish I'd known about when I was 13, I'd have definitely had a touch of both of those! :D
Am starting to think our poor thread is running out of steam. Perhaps it is time for it to be laid to rest but, at this stage, I think I really do need professional help to stop.
In the meantime...
Marketing Director, Lawrence Fairfax, planned an exercise in right-sizing for his company and, after the time and motion people were through, was surprised to learn that his job could be done just as efficiently, with as much zest and personality but at a fraction of the cost, by a zebra.
Jalfrezi_Enema
24-03-2005, 09:02 AM
Originally posted by TN16_Eagle
It is a legal requirement that Pop Tarts (the once popular breakfast snack) have to be served at 873.83 degrees celcius.
:p Burnt your tongue recently by any chance?:D
Heb 7:4
24-03-2005, 09:10 AM
Thanks to the purchase of a new snow machine, Hell, a small island in the South Pacific, is actually about to freeze over. The new ski resort there has promised 2 nights free accomodation for any individual who has to now fulfill an outlandish promise made years ago.
Jalfrezi_Enema
24-03-2005, 02:04 PM
The Inspiral Carpets were really just smart rugs with a mild oratory talent.
Oddjob
25-03-2005, 09:51 AM
David Bowie once famously sung ' dont you wonder sometimes, about sound and vision'
Whats little known however is that the song is a heartfelt plea about the staffing levels at the Hemel Hempstead branch of Comet on a saturday lunchtime
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-03-2005, 09:14 AM
If you've ever wondered why Nigel Spackman's mouth keeps flapping open when he's got f*ck all to say. The clue is in the name, it just needs a little reformatting:
Nigel's Pac(k)man.
Del Gland
29-03-2005, 09:23 AM
Ex bond villain Scaramanga, contrary to Freddie Mercury's demands, will NOT do the Fandango!
Del Gland
29-03-2005, 09:32 AM
Why is "You Can't Hurry Love" a fast tune!
Del Gland
29-03-2005, 09:33 AM
Once the ice caps have melted, you will be able to sail from Southampton to Sydney in 3 hours
PalaceMonkey
29-03-2005, 09:34 AM
'Red' Ken Livingstone once stole all of Tony Blair's socks.
He then hid them in 11 Downing St, where Tony discovered them during a budget meeting
This is the actual reason behind the feud between Gordo & Tone...
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-03-2005, 09:50 AM
Four days after taking over first team responsibilities from Harry, Sir Clive Woodward makes history in his first match in charge for having all ten outfield players sent off for handling the ball.
Del Gland
29-03-2005, 10:55 AM
In the outakes for Gone With The Wind, Clark Gable originally said "Frankie my dear, I don't give a damn"
Del Gland
29-03-2005, 10:56 AM
Rod Jane and Freddy were into dogging!
Del Gland
29-03-2005, 10:58 AM
Promising youngster Isaac Hunt was thrown out of Everton for being Jewish!
Del Gland
29-03-2005, 11:00 AM
From Finding Neverland -
" If humans evolved from monkeys, why are the monkeys still here?"
Oddjob
29-03-2005, 04:27 PM
Bridget Jones Diary is actually an exact anagram of This Is Horse Crap
Oddjob
29-03-2005, 04:37 PM
Its actually illegal to arrange a 'celebrity' football match and not involve Harvey from the So Solid Crew and Ralf Little.
1fef
DANCOO
29-03-2005, 05:37 PM
The little bits of bone you occasionally bite into when eating a kebab contain 800% more fat than human bone.
eaglei_uk
29-03-2005, 05:51 PM
The May Day Bank Holiday was created to commemorate Mayday Hospital in Croydon.
Panman268
29-03-2005, 08:10 PM
Swimming is healthy exercise and good for you. That's why whales and seals are so slim and svelt-like.
Jalfrezi_Enema
30-03-2005, 08:30 AM
Originally posted by DANCOO
The little bits of bone you occasionally bite into when eating a kebab contain 800% more fat than human bone.
That's truly disgusting Dancoo. I applaud you. :p
Jalfrezi_Enema
30-03-2005, 08:32 AM
After a lengthy legal battle ending in a high court injunction, Ian & Carla McDonald have had their burger van confiscated.
PalaceMonkey
30-03-2005, 08:37 AM
The Road to Amarillo is paved with the bodies of armadillos.
Jalfrezi_Enema
30-03-2005, 08:48 AM
Get a rough ride those Armadillos! They build palaces, somebody eats them. They build roads and get left for dead in a ditch. Shame, cos, if anybody took the time to study and communicate with them they'd find that Armadillos are probably the greatest mathematicians and philosophers the universe has ever created and have long since worked out why we're all here. They're only waiting for somebody to ask.
But hey, what can you do.
PalaceMonkey
30-03-2005, 08:50 AM
Armadillos are great propagandists.
Their current wheeze is to brainwash their followers into believing that they are the best mathmeticians and philosophers in the world.
However only the simpler ones fall for it ;) :p
Jalfrezi_Enema
30-03-2005, 08:55 AM
Bugger! Brainwashed by an Armadillo. F*ck I'm smart.
Del Gland
30-03-2005, 09:04 AM
Wearing an Armadillo's shell on your head boosts your immunity to migraine!
Jalfrezi_Enema
30-03-2005, 09:15 AM
Originally posted by Del Gland
Wearing an Armadillo's shell on your head boosts your immunity to migraine!
Funny enough, I'll be coming into (snigger) a spare Armadillo shell quite soon. Shortly after I catch the little b@stard in fact.
The juice of three Armadillos and the milk of the Yak has been used since ancient times to cure bunions.
PalaceMonkey
30-03-2005, 09:25 AM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Funny enough, I'll be coming into (snigger) a spare Armadillo shell quite soon. Shortly after I catch the little b@stard in fact.
The juice of three Armadillos and the milk of the Yak has been used since ancient times to cure bunions.
Armadillo shells also make very trendy codpieces.
Word up.
Del Gland
30-03-2005, 09:39 AM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Funny enough, I'll be coming into (snigger) a spare Armadillo shell quite soon.
19% of all Armadillos prefer the poop chute!
PalaceMonkey
30-03-2005, 09:47 AM
Originally posted by Del Gland
19% of all Armadillos prefer the poop chute!
in my personal experience, I find it to be nearer 100% :p
Jalfrezi_Enema
30-03-2005, 09:55 AM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
in my personal experience, I find it to be nearer 100% :p
Need to know, PM!
Serial hyponcondriac, Francis Illmater, was completely cured after reading an article in his medical journals about false memory syndrome. He suddenly realised, looking back, that not only was he alright, he was f*cking brilliant.
Oddjob
30-03-2005, 04:31 PM
FIFA are currently discussing propoals so that World Cup Games that are level at 90 minutes will be decided by a game of British Bulldogs.
Oddjob
30-03-2005, 04:33 PM
Mr Ray Ban of San Diego has painted black marks over his eyes and round his ears, to save on the costs of expensive fashion sunglasses
Del Gland
31-03-2005, 10:32 AM
Lemsip is actually made from Belgian goat's pee and ear wax. It's original name was "Pismel" which was turned round to make it more attractive to the UK market
Del Gland
31-03-2005, 10:33 AM
There is a small town in Winconsin called Hell that suffers seven plagues annually.
Jalfrezi_Enema
31-03-2005, 12:17 PM
Originally posted by Del Gland
There is a small town in Winconsin called Hell that suffers seven plagues annually.
I believe it's twinned with at least one, if not all, of the medway towns.
Jalfrezi_Enema
31-03-2005, 12:18 PM
Seven tongued biped, Oorst Spitngo, died of severe cranial trauma when trying to conjugate the Spanish verb asustarse. His efforts twisted his tongues up so tight that, when the pressure released suddenly, they flailed his head apart.
Jalfrezi_Enema
31-03-2005, 12:22 PM
The only french word I know is: idiot.
PalaceMonkey
31-03-2005, 12:58 PM
Salt is made by a pair of Swedish monks called Sven and Sven.
They vigourously rub anchovies together and collect the residue left on their palms.
This is then bottled and sold around the world..
208b
In Poland people are only allowed to use the last 5 letters of the alphabet
Jalfrezi_Enema
31-03-2005, 02:43 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
The only french word I know is: idiot.
[Quoting oneself, how gauche!]
Actually I know three french words, the other one is: Savant
I just have less use for this one.
BTW, PM, I don't want to come across like the thread police but I'm sure Dancoo did one about salt and anchovy excrement a while back. :eek:
Jalfrezi_Enema
31-03-2005, 02:45 PM
Originally posted by leo
In Poland people are only allowed to use the last 5 letters of the alphabet
What they lack in choice they sure do make up for in quantity! :p
PalaceMonkey
31-03-2005, 02:50 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
BTW, PM, I don't want to come across like the thread police but I'm sure Dancoo did one about salt and anchovy excrement a while back. :eek:
really?
well he was wrong.
i feel worthless & grubby now :(
Oddjob
31-03-2005, 02:52 PM
Pistachio Ice Cream is used as an effective treatment against scurvy in the Lebanon
Oddjob
31-03-2005, 02:54 PM
Robbie Coltrane is 23% Devon Cream Tea
Jalfrezi_Enema
31-03-2005, 03:13 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
i feel worthless & grubby now :(
Surely you must be used to that. You'll cope.
:D
PalaceMonkey
31-03-2005, 03:18 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Surely you must be used to that. You'll cope.
:D
it's the first time I've not had to pay for it though.
mmm free degradation
Panman268
31-03-2005, 03:26 PM
Samuel Plimsoll hit upon the idea of a marker along the side of a ship to indicate it's safe laden weight when told "You have to draw the line somewhere"
DANCOO
31-03-2005, 08:12 PM
:hi:
Jalfrezi_Enema
01-04-2005, 08:50 AM
Originally posted by DANCOO
:hi:
:hi: back.
Castor Oil is so named as it's made out of sugar.
Jalfrezi_Enema
01-04-2005, 08:52 AM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
it's the first time I've not had to pay for it though.
mmm free degradation
Funny monkey. Make I Laaarf tha' did. :p
Jalfrezi_Enema
01-04-2005, 08:53 AM
Kids today, eh? When little Johnny (6) called his teacher a c*nt and told her to piss off, his Mum was called to the school for a meeting. After hearing what her little b@stard had done, she went mental, cuffed him up the head and told him that if he ever f*ckin’ did that again, showin’ her up like that, she’d smack his f*ckin’ arse so ‘ard he wouldn’t set down for a week.
Sorted.
Jalfrezi_Enema
01-04-2005, 02:55 PM
Don’t blame the gypsies; they are helpless bystanders. It’s caravans that can’t stand to be away from each other and congregate at roundabouts.
Oddjob
01-04-2005, 03:19 PM
Toblerones are used as one of the weapons in Swiss Cluedo
Oddjob
01-04-2005, 03:20 PM
Ironically enough the Ewoks in Star Wars had no idea how to actually use a Wok!!
Jalfrezi_Enema
04-04-2005, 08:50 AM
A small Bowyer-fest:
Lee Bowyer is NOT a total f*ckdonkey!
If you examine his DNA under a microscope, you will see a gold tooth, a hint of a lisp and a small piece of George Foreman's ear.
Despite having to sell LB for £4.20 to Gravesend and Northfleet, Newcastle's pre-tax profit will be 38% up on last year due to sales of their 'Fight Club' video nasty.
Jalfrezi_Enema
05-04-2005, 10:23 AM
Norwich Union Insurance are bringing out a "For Females, By Females" division whose tagline will be that they "WILL make a drama out of a crisis."
Micky Droy
05-04-2005, 10:31 AM
A recent study at Thames Valley University has revealed that male back and shoulder hair is directly related to criminal tendencies. Body hair on females remains relatively rare, but where it occurs researchers have observed a tendency towards shyness, a need to please, and immense gratitude at the slightest kindness.
Del Gland
05-04-2005, 10:33 AM
The average length of a ball point pen is 14.5 cms
Jalfrezi_Enema
06-04-2005, 08:42 AM
Cristiano Ronaldo is the b@stard offspring of Gary Wilmot and Miss Piggy.
RickyB
06-04-2005, 10:36 AM
In a recent survey of marine wildlife, 97.5% of all sharks admitted to voting hippo.
Jalfrezi_Enema
06-04-2005, 10:43 AM
Originally posted by RickyB
In a recent survey of marine wildlife, 97.5% of all sharks admitted to voting hippo.
Hurrah! Thought you'd deserted us, your children. I fear for our poor thread, I think it's dying. All the random posters that used to breathe new life into it, don't bother anymore. When does it come to the point where it's no longer polite for us to amuse ourselves in public?
Don't get me wrong. I would still post to it in a year if a random, untrue fact occured to me but....perhaps we have run our course?
[I'm going to go and wash my mouth out with soap now!]
1f5c
RickyB
06-04-2005, 10:46 AM
I'm afraid I've become far too "sensible" of late and have had very few silly thoughts and the only time I have had silly thoughts I have not had access to a BBS.
On the good side of things, I've just bought a PDA so I can jot down my silly thoughts and publish them to one-and-all on the good ship BBS.
Have been popping by though and FMCDA is still going strong - well done chaps and chapesses! :-)
FMCDA will never, ever die! :) :) :)
Oddjob
06-04-2005, 10:54 AM
Apple Turnovers do NOT turnover of their own freewill, and 48 hours of constant supervision and observation have proved this.
PalaceMonkey
06-04-2005, 10:55 AM
Garden gnomes are actually sarcophagus's (sarchophagi?)
for little people.
In thousands of years time, when civilisation has collapsed and been reborn under the rule of giant rabbits, gnomes will take pride of place in the Museum of Human History and Elmer Fudd.
Jalfrezi_Enema
06-04-2005, 11:07 AM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Apple Turnovers do NOT turnover of their own freewill, and 48 hours of constant supervision and observation have proved this.
:D
The annual SAS inter-company abseiling chamionships will be held in Southampton, this year, down the back of 82ft 6" striker, Peter Crouch.
Jalfrezi_Enema
07-04-2005, 03:25 PM
Wayne Routledge's new shirt will be made out of grass and mud. Stops it getting dirty when accidentally 'dropped' on the floor.
:eek:
Oddjob
07-04-2005, 05:47 PM
The vast majority of the cast of time bandits are riding in tomorrows big race.
Oddjob
07-04-2005, 06:01 PM
The Krypton Factor was the most watched show in Lebanon in the 1980's, and the assualt course was actually bought by the PM of Lebanon, and moved to the grounds of his palace!
Jalfrezi_Enema
08-04-2005, 08:51 AM
At 7:45pm on 7th April 2005 in the city of Newcastle, Sporting Lisbon became the first team ever to field 11 green jerseyed goal keepers.
PalaceMonkey
08-04-2005, 08:56 AM
Originally posted by Oddjob
The Krypton Factor was the most watched show in Lebanon in the 1980's, and the assualt course was actually bought by the PM of Lebanon, and moved to the grounds of his palace!
ah yes, the Lebanese PM, always trying to steal my thunder :grrr:
PalaceMonkey is a hereditary title passed down through the fourth born son.
The bearer of the name is entitled to free sex & cider whenever he presents his credentials to the barmaid at the House of Lords
Heb 7:4
08-04-2005, 11:13 AM
Although 9 out of 10 cats DID say they prefered whiskers, the question put to them was "What facial feature of other cats do you find most sexy?" When they were asked about the tinned food they said they thought it was sh*t.
RickyB
08-04-2005, 06:38 PM
Originally posted by Heb 7:4
Although 9 out of 10 cats DID say they prefered whiskers, the question put to them was "What facial feature of other cats do you find most sexy?" When they were asked about the tinned food they said they thought it was sh*t.
hehe :p
RickyB
08-04-2005, 06:40 PM
Garden Peas are really baby avacados.
RickyB
10-04-2005, 08:05 AM
Hedgehogs are made from 26% beef, 30% rusk, 20% water and the rest is flavouring and colour.
DANCOO
12-04-2005, 11:34 AM
It has been revealed that in 2001, a mad scientist built a weather machine that could destroy the planet through earthquakes, volcanoes and storms. Fortunately for us, he is a nice mad scientist, and prefers to use it to whip up the odd rainbow here and there.
DANCOO
12-04-2005, 11:37 AM
Speaking of which - "At the end of every rainbow lies a crock of gold". Crock of shit more like! Took me two years to get to the end of that bloody rainbow, and what was there - BUGGER ALL!
Del Gland
12-04-2005, 11:44 AM
The clock at Croydon Town Hall gains a minute every hour and has been fixed to go back a minute every 37 mins past
Del Gland
12-04-2005, 11:47 AM
Why don't 4x4's come with 4 steering wheels?
DANCOO
12-04-2005, 01:25 PM
No matter where you cut a watermelon in half, it will always have the exact same amount of seeds in each half.
u8mygoat
12-04-2005, 01:32 PM
There is more energy in 3 mars bar than there is in Sweden.
u8mygoat
12-04-2005, 01:34 PM
No matter which way up it lands, a baby dropped from the top of a 30 storey building will not cry after it hits the ground.
DANCOO
12-04-2005, 01:34 PM
In 1998, Fred Peckerman was diagnosed with RSI of the lungs, caused by breathing too much.
u8mygoat
12-04-2005, 01:37 PM
Covering your entire body (apart from entry and exit holes!) in sellotape provides better protection and insulation than wearing clothes. It also increases how aerodynamic you are and takes away the neccesity of washing ever.
u8mygoat
15-04-2005, 10:50 AM
1f8d
The preceeding gap of nearly 3 days is the longest the "Fat Men Can't draw Apples" thread has gone without anyone posting on it.
Oddjob
15-04-2005, 10:59 AM
Originally posted by u8mygoat
The preceeding gap of nearly 3 days is the longest the "Fat Men Can't draw Apples" thread has gone without anyone posting on it.
It doesnt come near the 87 week gap between postings on its french counterpart
'Les hommes ne pas draw les pommes'
Oddjob takes NO responsibility for not knowing the french for draw, or being actually any good at french.
u8mygoat
15-04-2005, 11:02 AM
Originally posted by Oddjob
It doesnt come near the 87 week gap between postings on its french counterpart
'Les hommes ne pas draw les pommes'
Oddjob takes NO responsibility for not knowing the french for draw, or being actually any good at french.
Les grosse hommes n'etient pas les artistes de pommes. (roughly Fat men are not apple artists. Although I don't know if "etient" is correct)
Oddjob
15-04-2005, 11:06 AM
Originally posted by u8mygoat
Les grosse hommes n'etient pas les artistes de pommes. (roughly Fat men are not apple artists. Although I don't know if "etient" is correct)
Apple Artists, surely thats the best job in the world?
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-04-2005, 10:57 AM
Having the courage of his own convictions, Ian Dowie has been on the lookout for players with a certain ‘bouncebackability’. As of next season, lookout for the name: T-I-Double Ger-Er! in the dugout.
PalaceMonkey
18-04-2005, 11:01 AM
Maisy Williams, 8, of Stafford has become the first person to be jailed for singing "Sing a song of sixpence".
Only the metric version can now be sung.
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-04-2005, 11:04 AM
Haile Selassie was the worlds first victim of gender realignment and was originally called Hayley.
PalaceMonkey
18-04-2005, 11:12 AM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Haile Selassie was the worlds first victim of gender realignment and was originally called Hayley.
:D
interestingly it is law that all gender-realigned people must either have been called Hayley, or be called Hayley after the surgery
(see Coronation Street for corroboration)
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-04-2005, 11:16 AM
To commemorate the 24 and a bit year (close enough, mon) death of Bob Marley, the Ras Tafari Research Unit at Apple have designed a new version of their supercool mp3 gadget which they shall call: The I & I-pod.
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-04-2005, 11:18 AM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
:D
interestingly it is law that all gender-realigned people must either have been called Hayley, or be called Hayley after the surgery
(see Coronation Street for corroboration)
Are you saying that Hayley from coronation street is the spiritual leader of the Rastafarian faith?
Cos she hides it well.
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-04-2005, 11:27 AM
To mark the fact that nobody important died this week you can now get an extra 2.5% salt ration with any large order of fries from McDonalds.
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-04-2005, 11:27 AM
The Crankies never speak.
Oddjob
18-04-2005, 12:29 PM
Its illegal to get a ferry and not buy at least 1 toblerone.
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-04-2005, 12:37 PM
There is a complete section at Sky whose sole job is to synchronise the adverts across channels.
PalaceMonkey
18-04-2005, 12:39 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Are you saying that Hayley from coronation street is the spiritual leader of the Rastafarian faith?
Cos she hides it well.
well she is an actress/actor, durr! :rolleyes:
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-04-2005, 12:41 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
well she is an actress/actor, durr! :rolleyes:
:p Dreadlooks!
Heb 7:4
18-04-2005, 12:46 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Its illegal to get a ferry and not buy at least 1 toblerone.
Unless it's Brian Ferry, in which case the law states the lucky lady must buy at least two toblerones.
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-04-2005, 12:48 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Apple Artists, surely thats the best job in the world?
Not if you're a fat bloke......apparently.
;)
celery stick
18-04-2005, 03:29 PM
Pink dental mouthwash is made by crushing, filtering and sterilising cockroaches.
The hot jam in Pop Tarts is made from whats left behind.
Micky Droy
18-04-2005, 03:33 PM
Among the Innuit people it is common practice for a man without a spouse to have his friends break his lower three ribs, in order to give him the flexibility to perform auto-fellatio.
DANCOO
18-04-2005, 03:39 PM
Originally posted by Heb 7:4
Unless it's Brian Ferry, in which case the law states the lucky lady must buy at least two toblerones.
I really want to do the Isla White Ferry joke...but I won't.:)
Humus is made entirely from common or garden window putty
163e
celery stick
18-04-2005, 03:51 PM
Quantum physics predicts the existence of an anti-pope.
u8mygoat
18-04-2005, 03:52 PM
Originally posted by celery stick
Quantum physics predicts the existence of an anti-pope.
Surely we could have saved them the research time and just introduced them to Psychokiller!
RickyB
18-04-2005, 08:48 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
To commemorate the 24 and a bit year (close enough, mon) death of Bob Marley, the Ras Tafari Research Unit at Apple have designed a new version of their supercool mp3 gadget which they shall call: The I & I-pod.
:D :D :D :D :D
PMSL :p :p
E.X Moontoad
18-04-2005, 09:02 PM
It's actually a legal condition of employment that those working in the Building, Delivery and removal sectors must:
"Be able to demonstrate the ability to whistle to a proficient level".
Darlingtoneagle
18-04-2005, 09:12 PM
Honesty is the cornerstone in any relationship
Jalfrezi_Enema
19-04-2005, 10:03 AM
Originally posted by Micky Droy
Among the Innuit people it is common practice for a man without a spouse to have his friends break his lower three ribs, in order to give him the flexibility to perform auto-fellatio.
So now all I need is friends.
Aspirin was invented by a woodpecker.
Jalfrezi_Enema
19-04-2005, 10:13 AM
It was just better for everyone when Mr. Tickle was a practising kleptomaniac, since his cure, his bored, wandering hands have become the scourge of every lady in the town. Little Miss Frigid seems to have brightened up a bit though.
Jalfrezi_Enema
19-04-2005, 10:47 AM
Originally posted by Darlingtoneagle
Honesty is the cornerstone in any relationship
:D
Ad Woodyboy
19-04-2005, 10:58 AM
Every single electrician in the world is either a chelsea fan themselves or is best mates with one
Jalfrezi_Enema
20-04-2005, 09:23 AM
Colin had a big night ahead. It was his first meeting of the new "Oooh, you like a pie, don't you!" weighwatching club, and, despite being the most nervous and shy guy for metres around, he was gonna go. He practised his introduction over and over in his head until finally, the waiting was over.
As he got closer to his destination, 34, Hogg Street, he began to sweat, but trudged determinedly on. Two things: He had a bad head cold and No. 33 Hogg Street was a brothel.
In a flurry of fear and anticipation he threw back the door of number 33 walked in and thundered his line:
"MY NAME IS COLIN AND I'M A BINGE EATER!"
Unfortunately, his delivery was muffled by his cold and by the time he got out of there it had cost him 400 quid and he needed three stitches at the base of his tongue.
Oddjob
20-04-2005, 09:34 AM
Dennis The Menace has recently been served with an ASBO after a particuarly vicous water bomb attack on Walter The Softie.
out vile jelly
20-04-2005, 02:58 PM
Fish can't see underwater.
RickyB
20-04-2005, 03:04 PM
Mole's *can* see underwater!
Micky Droy
20-04-2005, 03:05 PM
Due to the blood rushing from his brain to his organ, any man with a penis longer than 13 inches feints when he gets an erection.
PalaceMonkey
20-04-2005, 03:07 PM
Originally posted by Micky Droy
Due to the blood rushing from his brain to his organ, any man with a penis longer than 13 inches feints when he gets an erection.
ah that's true , and I can prove it :D :o
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