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Jack Regan
01-06-2005, 10:44 AM
Scientists have discovered that the common view of the Earth with the North Pole at the top is incorrect in physiological terms due to the Moons gravitational pull.
The true North Pole is actually nearer to Bangalore in Pakistan.
They have estimated that if all the geography examination papers ever taken were remarked to reflect this mistake, marks would drop by an average of 5% and only 3 people that have ever lived (Darwin, Einstein, and Newton) would now hold a Masters degree in Geography.
Jalfrezi_Enema
02-06-2005, 09:03 AM
Just a quick note, Prof. N. Tymology, a good friend and head chair of the Oxford English Dictionary project (non concise) just called on a query. So to clear it all up once and for all:
The plural of cactus is octopi.
Sorted.
Please note that yes, octopi's previous definition WAS to multiply by eight, but this has gone out of fashion along with all forms of mulitplication by even numbers.
Jack Regan
02-06-2005, 09:38 AM
Strictly speaking, a crab isn't a crustacean - it is in fact an insect as it has 6 legs.
Jalfrezi_Enema
02-06-2005, 12:28 PM
Mick o'Flaherty was kicked out of the Tuba section of his local brass band when he turned up with a hollowed out potato.
Oddjob
02-06-2005, 12:43 PM
The latest channel to hit our screens on sky digital is channel 960 - Fish And Chip TV.
This is a premium rate channel that will start with freeviews at 10.00 - this will give a glimpse of the forthcoming shows such as 'Batter My Haddock' and ' Gherkin Pickling: The Facts'
Then at 10.10 we go encrypted with our full content, for just 6.99 a month you can experience the world of the fish and chip shop, including the hugely popular ' fishy fone-in' - this is where you can text in and make requests on what you want 2 fish and chip shop managers to do i.e ' go on, smother it with gravy' or ' please hold up a large cod and chips and say Dave' - these 2 guys dont hold back in the uncensored fun!
Texts cost £1 and your usual operators charge.
RickyB
02-06-2005, 03:02 PM
Ermintrude MacKenzie, 87 from Swaffham, made history recently by being the first octogenarian to give birth to puppies.
She was reported as being "surprised" as she hadn't had 'it' in a 'long, long time m'dear!'
Oddjob
03-06-2005, 08:35 AM
The Kray twins are widely expected in showbiz circles to become the new Ant N Dec.
Oddjob
03-06-2005, 12:26 PM
Justin Timberlakes ancestry has a long line of Wood/Body of water surnamed people in it, look in his family tree and you will see:
Martin Balsapond
Jolene Pinepuddle
Valerie Oakriver.
Check it, go on, I dare you.
Jalfrezi_Enema
07-06-2005, 09:01 AM
Top Chav, Estelle (pronounced Stella, innit) Bucket, has reached new heights of chavdom by naming her daughter after her favourite food. BBS, your sympathies please for young Bargain.
PalaceMonkey
07-06-2005, 09:10 AM
The sun is only actually about 20 metres above the Earth and is the size of a space hopper.
Oddjob
07-06-2005, 09:14 AM
Dennis Norden is surgically attached to that clipboard
PalaceMonkey
07-06-2005, 09:19 AM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Dennis Norden is surgically attached to that clipboard
a cornucopia of cock-ups.
u8mygoat
07-06-2005, 09:56 AM
Irish inventor Leonard O'Davincy is set to make his millions after patenting the world's first USB Toaster.
Jalfrezi_Enema
07-06-2005, 12:03 PM
Secretly, the real head of Japan for eleven centuries has been The Emperor Penguin. A perfect disguise as who would suspect it. But now you know, so, beware the penguin Yakuza.
It is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully in his sleep aged 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.....
Essexeagle
07-06-2005, 04:50 PM
1f85
Marmosets explode if you force them to eat ravioli.
<_tece_>
07-06-2005, 06:57 PM
The common green stick insect has a gestation period (sp? - pregnancy time - human=9 months etc...) of 1 year.
However, the amazing shame of it all is that the common green stick insect only has a life expectancy of 9 months...
<_tece_>
07-06-2005, 06:58 PM
Babies are not born with nipples. They 'grow' into them.
Smurph
08-06-2005, 07:12 AM
Big Brother contestant Science wears a truss which he has named 'Zanussi'.
Jalfrezi_Enema
09-06-2005, 10:49 AM
God would love to speak to his devoted followers and it's not that he hasn't tried. He's got the latest Nokia and everything, but the reception in heaven is just wank.
danibutcher
09-06-2005, 11:43 AM
The pilot of Star Wars was originally ITV's Celebrity Wrestling
Jalfrezi_Enema
10-06-2005, 02:22 PM
Metal Mickey, K9 and Marvin the Paranoid Android, after sitting in a dusty corner of the BBC props dept for many years, have finally been decomissioned and are now a car wash in East Cheam.
DANCOO
10-06-2005, 02:35 PM
Volvic mineral water contains more harmful chemicals than Methylated Spirit - drinking a mixture of the two together however, can create an aurora borealis in the mind.
Jalfrezi_Enema
10-06-2005, 02:41 PM
Originally posted by DANCOO
Volvic mineral water contains more harmful chemicals than Methylated Spirit - drinking a mixture of the two together however, can create an aurora borealis in the mind.
:lux: Dancoo's back. Huzzah!
DANCOO
10-06-2005, 02:43 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
:lux: Dancoo's back. Huzzah!
:hi:
Bloody online poker.:rolleyes: anyone got a spare room.:(
Jalfrezi_Enema
10-06-2005, 02:47 PM
Originally posted by DANCOO
:hi:
Bloody online poker.:rolleyes: anyone got a spare room.:(
It went well then! :bash:
Jack Regan
10-06-2005, 02:52 PM
The German version of Rainbow is called 'Zippy Und Bungle'. I think you can pick it up on Deutchtevevisioncanal9 or if you point your dish towards Berlin.
DANCOO
10-06-2005, 02:52 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
It went well then! :bash:
It went well......but then it went bad.
PalaceMonkey
10-06-2005, 02:56 PM
BREAKING NEWS
after 176 hours without sleep, food or water, Michael Winner entered a delirious state, muttering and rocking whilst soiling himself explosively.
Close to death, he staggered towards a nearby black board and drew an apple
We are hearing reports that the Pope has resigned, stating "Calm down dear, it's only the Hitler Youth"
Jalfrezi_Enema
10-06-2005, 02:56 PM
Originally posted by DANCOO
It went well......but then it went bad.
Sorry to hear that. Have been having a bash on the practise tables and doing quite well. Have yet to bite the bullet and have a real go. But, as I mentioned to MD t'other day, I am not obsessive compulsive but I do have those tendencies. Will be limiting my stakes severely cos I know what I'm like. Hope it hasn't made too big a hole. :p
u8mygoat
10-06-2005, 02:57 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
BREAKING NEWS
after 176 hours without sleep, food or water, Michael Winner entered a delirious state, muttering and rocking whilst soiling himself explosively.
Close to death, he staggered towards a nearby black board and drew an apple
We are hearing reports that the Pope has resigned, stating "Calm down dear, it's only the Hitler Youth"
Which almost proved fat men CAN draw apples except that after 176 hours without food Michael Winner was just under the EU prescribed weight for being fat.
Jalfrezi_Enema
10-06-2005, 02:59 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
BREAKING NEWS
after 176 hours without sleep, food or water, Michael Winner entered a delirious state, muttering and rocking whilst soiling himself explosively.
Close to death, he staggered towards a nearby black board and drew an apple
We are hearing reports that the Pope has resigned, stating "Calm down dear, it's only the Hitler Youth"
Does he qualify as fat enough to have broken the aged rule though?
I think not. It would mean the instantaneous combusution of this thread and all contributors as the universe seeks to ramp down the unleashed forces.
Micky Droy
10-06-2005, 03:01 PM
Originally posted by DANCOO
:hi:
Bloody online poker.:rolleyes: anyone got a spare room.:(
I feel your pain. I got outdrawn on the river with AK against some monkey with A5 for a $400 hand yesterday. And HE was raising ME!
Careful of the online thing. Easy to blow a couple of grand, and then you can't play well.
Sorry - off topic.
DANCOO
10-06-2005, 03:02 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Sorry to hear that. Have been having a bash on the practise tables and doing quite well. Have yet to bite the bullet and have a real go. But, as I mentioned to MD t'other day, I am not obsessive compulsive but I do have those tendencies. Will be limiting my stakes severely cos I know what I'm like. Hope it hasn't made too big a hole. :p
Not more than I could afford.:p
Micky Droy
10-06-2005, 03:03 PM
1f9e
Originally posted by DANCOO
Not more than I could afford.:p
Good. I was getting into £2000 dollar hands before I realised it was madness.
PalaceMonkey
10-06-2005, 03:04 PM
:eek:
that is madness!
and very off-topic. sod off :grrr:
DANCOO
10-06-2005, 03:06 PM
Originally posted by Micky Droy
I feel your pain. I got outdrawn on the river with AK against some monkey with A5 for a $400 hand yesterday. And HE was raising ME!
Careful of the online thing. Easy to blow a couple of grand, and then you can't play well.
Sorry - off topic.
Last off topic from me ( and I know no-ones interested but I have to get it off my chest ) -
...but I was on a $0.50/$1.00 table today with about $100 left, moved table - and couldn't figure why I only had about $50 left???
Played a couple of hands and realised I was on a £0.50/£1.00 table. As I had payed my blinds I though I would see out the next few hands...went all in on the last hand, I got called ( £100 in the pot ), and he hit an A on the river...:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :bash: :bash: :grrr:
Micky Droy
10-06-2005, 03:07 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
:eek:
that is madness!
and very off-topic. sod off :grrr:
shhh
According to scientists at Princeton University, cheese is technically alive and ought to be reclassified as mammalian.
DANCOO
10-06-2005, 03:07 PM
Sorry PM :)
Smurph
10-06-2005, 03:10 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
:eek:
that is madness!
and very off-topic. sod off :grrr:
Maybe it's not really true?
DANCOO
10-06-2005, 03:42 PM
If you lay end to end, every hair on the average male body, it would measure over 700 miles.
Hair from the female body would measure over 220,000 miles - long enough to nearly stretch a quarter of the way around the earth.
Jalfrezi_Enema
20-06-2005, 08:25 AM
Kendo Nagasaki was not only gifted with the power of wrestling, he could also charm a wart something wicked.
Oddjob
20-06-2005, 08:41 AM
Croydon is twinned with Baghdad, Beirut and Shitling Springs, Colorado.
CPFC_R_GREAT
20-06-2005, 08:41 AM
It is a common misconception that the fools of victorian times who believed that digital cameras were actually stealing a slice of our very souls with every picture, which is over snapped celebrities become weird, were wrong. This is not so they were actually correct. It is indeed the case that we're are being stolen piece by piece by cameras.
Oddjob
20-06-2005, 08:49 AM
The Black Eyed Peas are neither Peas, or Black eyed, though one of them smells a little like cabbage.
Jalfrezi_Enema
20-06-2005, 08:49 AM
The death of old Mrs Wrinklebottom was also, eventually, the end of her beloved cat Tibbles, who didn't spend his inherited millions wisely.
PalaceMonkey
20-06-2005, 09:02 AM
French scientist (and gentleman thief) Pepe la Pomme has discovered a way to stop onions from making you cry. However he is on strike and refuses to tell anyone.
Micky Droy
20-06-2005, 10:39 AM
Imperial College geologist Professor Stephen Stevens claimed yesterday that he had discovered a rare stone with the powers of language. Before the assembled press pack he presented a fragment of rock about the size of a tennis ball, recovered from The Isle of Shippey. "This remarkable stone", said Stevens, "Undoubtedly has the gift of speech. There is no doubt at all in my mind that this rock can talk. It is simply that it has chosen not to".
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-06-2005, 08:35 AM
Ken from Wolverhampton, after some practise at the local swimming baths, took his Bullseye first prize and his newfound skills and landed the part of 'Second Speedboat Stuntman from the left' in consecutive Bond movies.
PalaceMonkey
21-06-2005, 08:46 AM
When left unattended for any length of time, Keith Richards tends to get coverered in cladonia rangiferina.
Thus disproving the old adage..
Oddjob
21-06-2005, 10:02 AM
Its actually blasphemous to share kia-ora with your dog.
Micky Droy
21-06-2005, 10:07 AM
Toes are limbs.
Adlerhorst
21-06-2005, 10:09 AM
The BBS Custard Pie Terror Attack Squad's favourite weapon of assult is actually a Strawberry flan. :eek:
Croydon Exile
21-06-2005, 10:11 AM
The Isles of Wight and Man are actually just the backs of large slow-moving sea turtles. This explains the 1962 meeting the two made off Cornwall when most of Cowes was crushed overnight.
The meeting resulted in the island of Surtsey.
Oddjob
21-06-2005, 10:20 AM
Desperate Dan was so named because of a severe bout of constipation -eventually cured by Cow-pie, however the name stuck.
DANCOO
21-06-2005, 10:41 AM
Keyboard$ only contain a certain quantity of number$ and letter$, and only when you era$e file$ will it'$ $tock be repleni$hed. I am currently out of the letter $ ( the letter which i$ at the end of the $ound a $nake make$, you know - hi$$$$$$$ ).
Oddjob
21-06-2005, 10:52 AM
1f5f
thats abso&ute bo%%ocks!
Oddjob
21-06-2005, 10:53 AM
I stand corrected!
what a pi%%ock I am!
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-06-2005, 11:56 AM
A Mars A Day Keeps The Doctor Away.
That's right, isn't it.
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-06-2005, 11:58 AM
Originally posted by Adlerhorst
The BBS Custard Pie Terror Attack Squad's favourite weapon of assult is actually a Strawberry flan. :eek:
:p
Flung with some venom though! (It's in the jelly)
BTW, If there's a vote for most amusing sig at the end of the year, you're getting my vote. Makes me chuckle that do.
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-06-2005, 12:00 PM
Palace Monkey's avatar is a virus.
DANCOO
21-06-2005, 12:33 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
:p
Flung with some venom though! (It's in the jelly)
"Flung with venom"? Noun or common noun?
Am I right or wrong?
If an item is thrown with venom ( spiteful intentions ), is it a noun?
If an item is thrown which contains venom, is it a common noun?
Or more importantly, does anyone actually care?:confused:
Oddjob
21-06-2005, 12:36 PM
GCSE's are soon to be replaced by tests done on pub style quiz machines.
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-06-2005, 12:39 PM
Originally posted by DANCOO
"Flung with venom"? Noun or common noun?
Am I right or wrong?
If an item is thrown with venom ( spiteful intentions ), is it a noun?
If an item is thrown which contains venom, is it a common noun?
Or more importantly, does anyone actually care?:confused:
I'm afraid I don't understand the question. Still, I'll raise you $200.
DANCOO
21-06-2005, 12:46 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
I'm afraid I don't understand the question. Still, I'll raise you $200.
Was the flan thrown with venom ( containing poison ), or thrown with venom ( in a spiteful manner )?
I sincerely hope it wold not be thrown with venom and with venom, that would be a bit OTT IMO, J to the E.
Oddjob
21-06-2005, 12:52 PM
Onion Bhajees are not suitable as vessels for a weeks boating on the Norfolk broads, despite their name.
RickyB
21-06-2005, 12:55 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Palace Monkey's avatar is a virus.
:p
It's infected Micky Droy as well :eek:
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-06-2005, 12:55 PM
Originally posted by DANCOO
Was the flan thrown with venom ( containing poison ), or thrown with venom ( in a spiteful manner )?
I sincerely hope it wold not be thrown with venom and with venom, that would be a bit OTT IMO, J to the E.
Ah, yes, I see, well, yes, I think, yes. Definitely yes.
Word to the Mother!
[fingerhorns]
Croydon Exile
21-06-2005, 12:57 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
BTW, If there's a vote for most amusing sig at the end of the year, you're getting my vote. Makes me chuckle that do.
Join the club :)
DANCOO
21-06-2005, 01:03 PM
"Veritable cornucopia" is Latin for "Vegetable Corn on the Cob" {Vegetable ( veritable ) corn ( corn ) on the ( u ) cob ( copia )}, as opposed to it's meat version - "Dog on a Stick" - "Ploppy u ce Treepid"
Adlerhorst
21-06-2005, 06:35 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
BTW, If there's a vote for most amusing sig at the end of the year, you're getting my vote. Makes me chuckle that do.
:p :love: :p - and that goes out to your good self and Mr Exile.
Adlerhorst
21-06-2005, 07:03 PM
Today is not the longest day of the year - it is actually next Wednesday. The widely held belief that the summer solstice falls on the 21 June was a result of misinformation spread in the 60s by the then head of the Met Office, disgruntled after having been refused entry into the Druid Heritage Society on account of his employment by, what was deemed to be, a government agency (and also his beard was three inches shorter than the required length - but no one wanted to mention that.)
Consequently on the 21 June every year Met office employees are given the day off and can generally be found in the vicinity of Stonehenge sniggering and teasing druids and the like.
Jalfrezi_Enema
22-06-2005, 11:46 AM
The wort-ah in M'djork-ah tastes alright as it goes.
Micky Droy
22-06-2005, 11:49 AM
Beans' eyes are actually fully functioning eyes, complete with lens, pupil and iris. The bean is only deprived of the gift of sight by the absence of a brain to process the information.
Oddjob
22-06-2005, 12:41 PM
Many people beleive that pets are locked in doors on fireworks night for their own safety.
This is actually completely untrue and is a lie that has been started by the animals themselves so they can have a right knees up, this was discovered by Mrs Dorothy Carcus of Esher, Surrey last year when she returned to her house to get some burger buns, in doors she found Tiddles pissed out of his skull on her best sherry, and Roger the Tortoise swigging from her husbands 24 year old scotch.
Jalfrezi_Enema
23-06-2005, 10:33 AM
Little Timmy Johnson had to laugh at the look of total surprise on his Grandad's face when he really did 'get out of that without moving'.
1f5e
Micky Droy
23-06-2005, 10:37 AM
Every four seconds a dying child somewhere in the world calls out Bob Geldof's name.
Jalfrezi_Enema
23-06-2005, 10:40 AM
Following on:
Bob Geldof has worked out his insurance and is now worth more dead than alive. Accordingly, he is going to kill himself for charity.
Oddjob
23-06-2005, 10:47 AM
People already dissatisfied with the time taken to watch a Twenty20 game of cricket have started lobbying the ECB for a new form of everyones favourite summer game.
Therefore next summer One1 will start, all matches starting at 5.30pm and ending at 5.36pm.
PalaceMonkey
23-06-2005, 10:49 AM
Wicket W Warwick , famed Ewok and celebrity gastronome recently released a Megadeth covers album entitled "Satan's cutest little c0cksucker"
Micky Droy
23-06-2005, 10:54 AM
To spice up the beautiful game FIFA have declared that from 2008 clubs will be allowed to customise their pitch with obstacles, landscaped elements and water features. To even up the home advantage this bestows, away teams will be permitted to lay two secret charges of dynamite beneath the pitch, to be used at the tactical discretion of the manager.
RickyB
23-06-2005, 10:55 AM
Over 20,000 puppies are needlessly slaughtered every year by dog-ear collectors. Experts fear that this number could increase ten-fold over the next three years, causing a national puppy shortage.
PalaceMonkey
23-06-2005, 03:35 PM
Oddjob has mysterious powers of suggestion. Some things are immune (people from Luxembourg [Luxembourgers?], fish from the southern hemisphere and Frank Bough)
All others must do as he commands :lux:
DANCOO
23-06-2005, 03:37 PM
I won't....doh!
Jalfrezi_Enema
23-06-2005, 03:43 PM
Me either.......smelly.
tonkers
23-06-2005, 03:46 PM
a small man is more likely to be eaten by a giant austrian moose in winter than a large antelope is
Oddjob
23-06-2005, 03:53 PM
There are no swahili words for ' Jeremy Spake'
Oddjob
23-06-2005, 03:55 PM
David Dickinson is half owned by Ambre Solaire
RickyB
23-06-2005, 05:36 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Many people beleive that pets are locked in doors on fireworks night for their own safety.
This is actually completely untrue and is a lie that has been started by the animals themselves so they can have a right knees up, this was discovered by Mrs Dorothy Carcus of Esher, Surrey last year when she returned to her house to get some burger buns, in doors she found Tiddles pissed out of his skull on her best sherry, and Roger the Tortoise swigging from her husbands 24 year old scotch.
Oddjob gold! :p hahahaha
Jalfrezi_Enema
24-06-2005, 07:54 AM
The Manx cat does have a tail. It keeps it at home in a box for formal occassions.
Oddjob
24-06-2005, 08:44 AM
Pret A Manger is french for ' How the feck can you justifiy charging that much for a chuffin croissant?'
Jalfrezi_Enema
27-06-2005, 09:09 AM
Fearn (sp?) Cotton is infinitely better than egypytian cotton and when she dies, all towels will be made out of her for ten years.
DANCOO
27-06-2005, 09:18 AM
To "imply", is to tell a little fib.
Jalfrezi_Enema
27-06-2005, 09:21 AM
Edit: Wrong thread!
Oddjob
27-06-2005, 09:21 AM
Bob The Builder is NOT a member of the Guild Of Master Craftsmen, and therefore be approached with caution.
Oddjob
28-06-2005, 06:48 AM
If Joe Pasquale inhales helium from one of those balloons, his voice goes completely ultrasonic, and dolphins and whales are the only beings that can hear him
Unfortunately they don't care much for his 'saturday tea-time' style of comedy, and much prefer a bit of blue from Bernard Manning or Chubby Brown
mik59
28-06-2005, 10:56 AM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
Oddjob has mysterious powers of suggestion. Some things are immune (people from Luxembourg [Luxembourgers?], fish from the southern hemisphere and Frank Bough)
All others must do as he commands :lux: I am just off to airport for few days work in Luxembourg. Shall check this out.
Luxembourg was first created in 963 by tortoise using natural dyes and wolf droppings. It was recreated properly in 1815 from bits left over after the Naploleonic Wars and as a good place to stash the beer as no one would think of looking there. It is a little smaller than the Isle of Thanet so much so that even the low lands of Holland can cast a shadow over the whole of Luxembourg when the sun is at its zenith.
Oh, and it gave rise to the phrase 'Ducky' as popularised by Dick Emery, but no one can remember why.
Oddjob
28-06-2005, 11:30 AM
As boxing becomes increasingly more dangerous, with serious injury beoming more frequent, the authorities have moved to stop audiences seeing the full brutality of this pugialism
therefore at the next audley harrison fight, every blow will be accompanied with a batman from the 60's style sound effect, along with a suitable graphic on the screen, along the lines of 'thwack' or 'whammo'
1f51
Jalfrezi_Enema
28-06-2005, 02:48 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
As boxing becomes increasingly more dangerous, with serious injury beoming more frequent, the authorities have moved to stop audiences seeing the full brutality of this pugialism
therefore at the next audley harrison fight, every blow will be accompanied with a batman from the 60's style sound effect, along with a suitable graphic on the screen, along the lines of 'thwack' or 'whammo'
! Please tell me you're not making that up. PLease let it be true.
If not, off to Luxembourg with mik59 for you.
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-06-2005, 08:49 AM
The Queen has insisted that Gordon Ramsey be placed on the New Year's Honours List for some TOP swearing.
PalaceMonkey
29-06-2005, 08:57 AM
Chortlton (of Chorlton and the Wheelies fame) can now be found working as a bouncer at Great Yarmouth 'super' club - "Testes"
Micky Droy
29-06-2005, 09:12 AM
I went to a Dulwich Hamlet football match in the spring, and the Hamlet lost 2-1. When I looked in the local paper a few days later the match was reported as being a 2-2 draw. The starge thing is that there was a review which described the equalising goal. I strained in my memory to recall if I'd nipped out or left early - no. So I rang a friend of mine who also saw the game. I said 'Look at the South London Press review of the Hamlet game'. 'Hang on' he said, and went to get the paper. Two minutes later he was back on the phone. 'It's a wind up', he said, 'There's no way on earth they could review a 2-2 draw when everybody who was there knows we lost 3-0.'
And the strangest thing... since that day I have spent the last three months tracking down people who saw the game. I have even talked to the players, the officials. No two people have the same recollection of the game. Even where the scoreline is the same the scorers and the pattern of the game is different.
I have always been the sort of man destined to play a minor role in life, but I feel and fear I have happened upon something here of great importance.
Last night I was watching Big Brother with my wife. Afterwards we were talking about it before bed. She said "I liked it when Makosi fried the eggs and made such a mess of them". "What?", I replied, "It was Craig doing the cooking, and he was frying bacon". We had recorded the show so that our daughter could watch it, so we played back the episode. There were a number of changes from what I remember - two completely new scenes, and about four instances of different people doing something similar but different to what I remember happening. My wife and I looked at each other, ashen-faced. We said nothing, in part because I fear that she would have witnessed something different again from the version I saw. Instead, we went silently to bed.
The reason I am telling you this is because once you realise that this happens, this lesion in reality and recollection, you notice it happening all the time. Good luck to you all.
DANCOO
29-06-2005, 09:13 AM
Vegetable rights activists have won a court case which will force a change in the law on the "humane death of vegetables" act. Vegetables will no longer be able to be pulled up from the ground and chopped up or boiled, as this is now classed as vegetable torture. All vegeatables will first have to attend a "Know your vegetable rights" seminar, and will receive counselling, before receiving a fast acting toxin which will destroy the central nervous system - leaving them in a state of vegetation.
The peas are not happy though, as the name which is being given to a vegetable in a state of vegetation, is to be called "Pea-brained".
PalaceMonkey
29-06-2005, 09:16 AM
MD, that's not funny.
That's just scary :sob:
Oddjob
29-06-2005, 09:18 AM
Yop is an effective antidote for flea bites.
Micky Droy
29-06-2005, 09:21 AM
Flea bites are an effective antidote for Yop.
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-06-2005, 10:18 AM
Originally posted by Micky Droy
I went to a Dulwich Hamlet football match in the spring, and the Hamlet lost 2-1. When I looked in the local paper a few days later the match was reported as being a 2-2 draw. The starge thing is that there was a review which described the equalising goal. I strained in my memory to recall if I'd nipped out or left early - no. So I rang a friend of mine who also saw the game. I said 'Look at the South London Press review of the Hamlet game'. 'Hang on' he said, and went to get the paper. Two minutes later he was back on the phone. 'It's a wind up', he said, 'There's no way on earth they could review a 2-2 draw when everybody who was there knows we lost 3-0.'
And the strangest thing... since that day I have spent the last three months tracking down people who saw the game. I have even talked to the players, the officials. No two people have the same recollection of the game. Even where the scoreline is the same the scorers and the pattern of the game is different.
I have always been the sort of man destined to play a minor role in life, but I feel and fear I have happened upon something here of great importance.
Last night I was watching Big Brother with my wife. Afterwards we were talking about it before bed. She said "I liked it when Makosi fried the eggs and made such a mess of them". "What?", I replied, "It was Craig doing the cooking, and he was frying bacon". We had recorded the show so that our daughter could watch it, so we played back the episode. There were a number of changes from what I remember - two completely new scenes, and about four instances of different people doing something similar but different to what I remember happening. My wife and I looked at each other, ashen-faced. We said nothing, in part because I fear that she would have witnessed something different again from the version I saw. Instead, we went silently to bed.
The reason I am telling you this is because once you realise that this happens, this lesion in reality and recollection, you notice it happening all the time. Good luck to you all.
Are you the barman in Harry Enfield?
I shall take your poker stories with a pinch of salt from now on I think.
I too have noticed this but never gone to the effort of proving it, naturally just asusming that I'm right and anybody who disagrees with me is wrong.
Works for me. :p
Jalfrezi_Enema
30-06-2005, 09:27 AM
1f64
Obediah Wadkins and his amazingly small guitar has been 'outed' by his band mate Moaning Joe. Apparently, it's not a small guitar at all, Obediah just has really BIG hands.
Oddjob
05-07-2005, 02:40 PM
I can't beleive how far down this thread was allowed to go - its a crime.
To save on costs even more, and make tickets on their planes even cheaper, Easyet will soon be removing the seats, and replacing them with tube style handles to hold on to - at the end a recorded announcement of Stelios voice will be played asking you to 'mind the gap' as due to further cost cutting measures there are no stairs, and you have to jump the 20 feet to the concrete floor below
James Melody
05-07-2005, 02:50 PM
Psychokiller's father is the 13th Earl of Wivelsfield, a title PK will inherit when his father passes on.
Jalfrezi_Enema
08-07-2005, 12:29 PM
Scholars are split over the origins of the word Sudoku. Some say it is as Sudoku, all one word, dating from the third century AD and translates as 'head that splits from lack of skill'.
Others are adamant that it is the more recent, 20th Century slang Su D'oku and translates as "F uck dat sh*t!".
Originally posted by Oddjob
I can't beleive how far down this thread was allowed to go - its a crime.
To save on costs even more, and make tickets on their planes even cheaper, Easyet will soon be removing the seats, and replacing them with tube style handles to hold on to - at the end a recorded announcement of Stelios voice will be played asking you to 'mind the gap' as due to further cost cutting measures there are no stairs, and you have to jump the 20 feet to the concrete floor below :D
Jalfrezi_Enema
13-07-2005, 12:30 PM
The Wombles of Wimbledon have had enough. They are starting a new splinter militant wing with Orinoco, Tobermory being the first to 'go over' and spearheaded by MacWomble.
So, pick up that litter people or be prepared for a good dig in the ankle from a very pointy stick!
PalaceMonkey
13-07-2005, 12:47 PM
You'd better watch out, cos Beadle's about.
Yes, miniature assassin and banjo master, Jeremy Zidane Beadle has escaped from confinement again.
People are warned not to approach this dangerous individual as he is prone to prank without any provocation.
If cornered by this machiavellian monstrosity, offer him a selection of uniforms (police & traffic warden seem the best) and a false beard.
This will distract his attention as he works out how to fill your convertible with concrete.
Jalfrezi_Enema
14-07-2005, 12:31 PM
Just for men's X-Grey Science will only be able to upgrade to X-White Science if it survives the fight with the Balrog in the ancient Mines of Moria.
Oddjob
14-07-2005, 12:36 PM
Due to Londons place as the most expensive city in the world, and the high rate of inlflation, it is estimated that buying a Coke and Hotdog at the 2012 Olympics will cost around £475.
Del Gland
15-07-2005, 09:08 AM
Irish Telecom are to begin trialling free local calls. By signing up the customer will recieve an empty baked bean tin and some string.
Initially the trial will only extend to neighbours on the same side of the street but it is hoped to roll it out across Ireland during 2006
Del Gland
15-07-2005, 09:11 AM
A flurry of activity occured earlier today on the stock exchange after Sports Soccer put in a takeover bid for Gap.
Oddjob
15-07-2005, 09:15 AM
Roly Mo from TV's The Fimbles is running for parliament at the next Euro Elections - if elected he would be the first rolling mole to be elected to any form of parliament, anywhere.
Del Gland
15-07-2005, 09:16 AM
Chaos broke out at the recent Richard Whitely funeral after Carol Vorderman screamed the F-word at her partner in a row following her failure to come up with an answer of 274 using the hymn numbers on the wall.
Police called to the distubance were happy to state that the situation calmed down and they were later seen renewing their vowels!
James Melody
15-07-2005, 09:22 AM
In a recent BBS poll it was revealed that 97% of male members have engaged in leather trouser wearing at some point
Jalfrezi_Enema
20-07-2005, 07:03 PM
Gonzo (well he is blue) Kermit and one of the PIIIIIIIIGS IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE are fans of Chelsea proving Chelsea's fan base really are a bunch of muppets.
Micky Droy
20-07-2005, 11:32 PM
A recent poll revealed that 98% of Floridian womens' breasts are false, and that 15% of these women had donated their old pair to poor African ladies with aids or babies.
RickyB
24-07-2005, 03:10 PM
The worlds largest Cactus has been entered into the Gimlet book of records - standing at a record 375 feet. It's owner, Ethel McMurrin (23) from Andover had only recently planted it and said she had bought some magic cactus beans off a 'mad looking mexican' at the market.
She did try to climb initially to see if there was a crock of gold at the top but kept getting cactus stings so gave up.
Oddjob
25-07-2005, 12:21 PM
Snooker is soon to be livened up with WWF style entrances, each player will have a theme tune and will be encouraged to scream at the crowd, added to this at the start of every match the players will do an interview where they yell into the camera about how they are going pot their oppenent to hell and back.
Finally towards the end of a frame, one of the players will actually knock the ref out accidentally with his cue, with the ref down and dazed the player will then move all the balls onto the edge of the pockets, the ref then wakes up none the wiser !
1f7d
PalaceMonkey
25-07-2005, 12:29 PM
Pingu is related to Pete the Eagle. But only through marriage.
DANCOO
25-07-2005, 12:31 PM
If you look at the shadow of a sundial in a mirror, it will give you the time in Australia.
mik59
25-07-2005, 06:49 PM
This is cheating 'cos it's allegedly true: cats don't have a sweet tooth as their gene which allows other mammals to taste sugar is faulty so they stick to the Atkins diet and Lion Bars ain't for lions!
Oddjob
25-07-2005, 07:39 PM
jalfrezi-enemas absence from this thread is easily explained, he has actually won one of the 3 parts playing Billy Elliott in the West End Musical, and when he is not 'treading the boards' he is rehearsing.
RickyB
25-07-2005, 07:50 PM
Samarai warriors originally brandished teaspoons as their weapon of choice. A rethink or two later, they were soon to be using their famed sword that we know of today.
James Melody
25-07-2005, 07:54 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Snooker is soon to be livened up with WWF style entrances, each player will have a theme tune and will be encouraged to scream at the crowd, added to this at the start of every match the players will do an interview where they yell into the camera about how they are going pot their oppenent to hell and back.
Finally towards the end of a frame, one of the players will actually knock the ref out accidentally with his cue, with the ref down and dazed the player will then move all the balls onto the edge of the pockets, the ref then wakes up none the wiser !
.....*****atch one keyboard!!
James Melody
25-07-2005, 07:56 PM
In a study at Cambridge University it has now been found that under the right conditions (pink floyd within hearing range and enough prozac) Fat men can in fact draw apples
RickyB
25-07-2005, 07:58 PM
WTF is Jalfrezi_Enema these days? this thread is sorely missing him! :)
COME BACK J_E!!
RickyB
25-07-2005, 07:58 PM
J_E got mad skillz innit.
Smurph
25-07-2005, 08:10 PM
The race is always to the swift, unless you are driving a Suzuki
(I know, I'm not doing this right)
Oddjob
04-08-2005, 01:35 PM
Ironically enough, Roger Black has never had Athletes foot.
PalaceMonkey
04-08-2005, 01:37 PM
T.h.e. Meek will inherit the Earth.
Thaddeus Harold Earnest Meek is still waiting for his grandad to die before this can happen, however.
palace_crystal
04-08-2005, 01:41 PM
Total relaxation can only be achieved by resting your head on two pillows.
Oddjob
05-08-2005, 10:37 AM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Ironically enough, Roger Black has never had Athletes foot.
Update !!
After some lengthy research I can now advise that Gabriela Sabatini has never had Tennis Elbow.
Jalfrezi_Enema
08-08-2005, 01:33 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
jalfrezi-enemas absence from this thread is easily explained, he has actually won one of the 3 parts playing Billy Elliott in the West End Musical, and when he is not 'treading the boards' he is rehearsing.
J_E looks good in tights and a cod piece but has learnt his lesson and no longer uses a real cod.
Innit.
J_E does not have a new job that seriously inhibits his net access and he won't be sorting it all out in short order.
Trust me (contra to the spirit of this thread) I miss it more than it misses me.
I'll be back. You lucky, lucky people.
Micky Droy
08-08-2005, 01:35 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
J_E looks good in tights and a cod piece but has learnt his lesson and no longer uses a real cod.
Innit.
J_E does not have a new job that seriously inhibits his net access and he won't be sorting it all out in short order.
Trust me (contra to the spirit of this thread) I miss it more than it misses me.
I'll be back. You lucky, lucky people.
:S:
I mean: :lux: :hi:
Oddjob
08-08-2005, 01:37 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
J_E looks good in tights and a cod piece but has learnt his lesson and no longer uses a real cod.
Innit.
J_E does not have a new job that seriously inhibits his net access and he won't be sorting it all out in short order.
Trust me (contra to the spirit of this thread) I miss it more than it misses me.
I'll be back. You lucky, lucky people.
J_E's new job is giving people tours round the big brother house when the show is over, he will entertain the masses with impressions of the various housemates over the years, including a startingly accurate Nadia.
PalaceMonkey
08-08-2005, 01:38 PM
Take the first left, follow the road for about 50 yards, then take another left. (don't cross at the belisha beacons)
Jalfrezi_Enema
08-08-2005, 01:41 PM
J_E is the Minga in Kinga. Does anyone have a bottle remover?
Micky Droy
08-08-2005, 01:48 PM
If you're young and relatively flexible and you stand facing away from magnetic north, open your mouth, put a metal rod in your face and push on it hard, you will turn yourself inside out.
1f5e
gadford4th
08-08-2005, 01:53 PM
left handed people were just taught wrong by their parents
PalaceMonkey
08-08-2005, 01:55 PM
Eddie Vedder doesn't like pearls OR jam!! :eek:
Micky Droy
08-08-2005, 03:12 PM
Most Victorian families kept a small boy lodged in their chimney for a rainy day. Those that escaped fled to the North and drew on their common experiences to consruct the city of Manchester.
I didn't invent this one but thought it was funny
Oddjob
08-08-2005, 06:49 PM
Following the success of the limited edition U2 Ipod, Apple are trialling the Erasure Ipod in Brighton over the coming weeks.
RickyB
08-08-2005, 06:53 PM
Elephants can only whistle in E flat.
Mice can't whistle at all.
Well, except when you hollow the little bleeders out and make finger holes in them.
Welcome back J_E :lux: :lux: :lux:
Oddjob
09-08-2005, 06:37 PM
rickyb and palace monkey are considering an offer to be the UK's answer to Simon And Garfunkel, but a major stumbling block has appeared cause neither wants to be Garfunkel.
RickyB
09-08-2005, 06:40 PM
hehehe..
:love:
Oddjob
09-08-2005, 06:46 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
rickyb and palace monkey are considering an offer to be the UK's answer to Simon And Garfunkel, but a major stumbling block has appeared cause neither wants to be Garfunkel.
Update !!
PM has stormed out of negotiations therefore RB is free to be Englands alternative to Tupac
Good luck with it:p
Jalfrezi_Enema
10-08-2005, 11:45 AM
The NASA space shuttle has decided that, on retirement, it will stay out of the kitchen.
Micky Droy
10-08-2005, 11:47 AM
Everyone in the world is telepathic, except you.
Oddjob
11-08-2005, 08:38 PM
the dance that accompanies the song 'oops upside your head' is physically impossible for geese
RickyB
11-08-2005, 08:41 PM
A recent survey has discovered that contrary to popular belief, my wide-screen TV is not for sale :moo: :p :D
RickyB
11-08-2005, 08:42 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Update !!
PM has stormed out of negotiations therefore RB is free to be Englands alternative to Tupac
Good luck with it:p
And there's me thinking you were going to shoot me down ... oh.. DOH! :D :clown:
Oddjob
11-08-2005, 08:46 PM
Originally posted by RickyB
A recent survey has discovered that contrary to popular belief, my wide-screen TV is not for sale :moo: :p :D
:p :p
Oddjob
11-08-2005, 08:47 PM
j_e has never won a game of noughts and crosses on british soil, this losing streak extends to 574 matches
mik59
11-08-2005, 09:39 PM
The agency that does the latest newspaper ads for VW must be reading this thread - have you seen 'em? They need the pics as well but my fave so far is 'all polar bears are left handed'.
Micky Droy
11-08-2005, 09:42 PM
All dice are fixed.
Everyone knows deep down what they'll roll, every time, but the consequences of that knowledge are so disturbing that we dare not admit it.
(7)
RickyB
11-08-2005, 09:43 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
j_e has never won a game of noughts and crosses on british soil, this losing streak extends to 574 matches He's also crap at slaps :p
Evenin' Mick
Btw - just remembered what I've been listening too - Nouvelle Vague! Check it out! :)
mik59
11-08-2005, 09:53 PM
Evenin Ricky & will do ... sounds familiar.
Michael Winner has died. Trying to recreate his infamous Evnin Stannit restaurant column he was killed by an irate waiter in oh so cool Iceland. Someone should've told him that tipping is an insult there.
RickyB
11-08-2005, 09:54 PM
Sent you a PM Mick :p
mik59
11-08-2005, 10:06 PM
Originally posted by RickyB
Sent you a PM Mick :p Ta fella.
& a tip. If you're ever in St Louis, walking along or even in a car when you need to stop for some reason, and it's hot, as it can be, and you're thirsty, as you can be, do not sit on the kerb and drink beer out of a bucket. It's an arrestable offence.
Wingy_CPFC
11-08-2005, 10:23 PM
In the Second World war, German chihuahuas were trained to pilot V2 rockets or "doodlebugs". Many of the brave chihuahuas managed to escape by parachuting out of the rockets as they reached their targets, and those that did survive and weren't blown apart like some kind of horrific dog-bomb remained in England and became native.
Since the influx of chihuahuas in 1945, the dogs have lost both their ability to communicate over radio, and to skilfully pilot small aircraft and missiles.
coolthing
12-08-2005, 11:58 AM
In a survey of 1000 BBS's 85% said Ricky B has created an excellent thread, 5% said they did not care for it (0r like apples) and 10% said they did not know.
1f61
Ecalap Latsyrc
12-08-2005, 12:15 PM
The Japanese preference for chopsticks derives not from traditional eating implements used over centuries but instead is motivated by the the dislike of the number 4, which is considered very unlucky. Therefore it is extremely bad form to insert a four pronged fork into one's mouth. All forks available in Japan now have 3 prongs only.
Phil's Barber
12-08-2005, 12:17 PM
Milton Keynes and Devon Cream-Teas both played cricket for the West Indies
Oddjob
12-08-2005, 12:20 PM
Originally posted by Phil's Barber
Milton Keynes and Devon Cream-Teas both played cricket for the West Indies
I like that :) :)
Oddjob
12-08-2005, 07:48 PM
Scotsman Hamish McFlurry claims to own a Llama with the exact same facial features as David Essex
Smurph
12-08-2005, 08:04 PM
0.07% of your television license fee is spent on is spent on food for the Blue Peter pets.
RickyB
12-08-2005, 08:13 PM
Limahl from Kajagoogoo is 28th Generation Llama.
RickyB
12-08-2005, 08:14 PM
The never ending stooooooooooryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-eee-eee-ee-eee-eee-eee-ee-e-eee!
Smurph
12-08-2005, 08:16 PM
Mavis Pendleton of Bideford in Devon is 102 years old, deaf and blind and yet still lives on her own. At least she thinks she does.
John Cansell of Redruth, Cornwall, has been talking continuously for 19 years, 3 months and 6 days without saying anything remotely interesting.
You are statisitinclly likely to make 433% nire miustakes when tyinugb inb the tdat thatn ehrn it us light, unlrdsd you a re an expert touch typisty.
Oddjob
12-08-2005, 08:20 PM
Originally posted by Smurph
John Cansell of Redruth, Cornwall, has been talking continuously for 19 years, 3 months and 6 days without saying anything remotely interesting.
.
does he post on the BBS??
Oddjob
12-08-2005, 08:48 PM
Test cricket is so called because at the end of the day both teams are required to take GCSE French Oral exams.
Jalfrezi_Enema
16-08-2005, 10:15 AM
Originally posted by Oddjob
j_e has never won a game of noughts and crosses on british soil, this losing streak extends to 574 matches
Slander! I thikn you'll find it is now 575!
Oddjob has been relegated to the Noughts and Crosses British Board of Control (or Nob for short) after it was found out that he regularly cheats at Monopoly.
NB. If you're ever involved in a competitive game with him, NEVER let him be the banker.
Jalfrezi_Enema
16-08-2005, 10:16 AM
Tim Westwood's most deep-down secret desire is to be gunned down in a drive-by shooting.
"Big shout out to the Croydon Massiv wot shot me. Wuuuuuuurd.
Peace out."
Steve C
16-08-2005, 10:27 AM
If we have evolved from Monkeys, why are there still monkeys ?.:eek:
Phil's Barber
16-08-2005, 12:10 PM
Big hearted Tim Westwood drives his nan to the shops every tuesday and thursday in his pimped ride. ya get me?
Oddjob
16-08-2005, 12:26 PM
People who go to gyms dont actually do any exercise, its just a conspiracy to make all us lardy boys feel lazy.
PalaceMonkey
16-08-2005, 12:45 PM
Originally posted by Steve C
If we have evolved form Monkeys, why are there still monkeys ?.:eek:
:hi:
I am the pinnacle of human evolution, it's all downhill from here :sob:
EagleSE24
16-08-2005, 01:40 PM
I am the only male aged 16-30 who hasn't slept with Jodie Marsh
mik59
16-08-2005, 04:31 PM
I have today beaten my personal record for number of days being alive.
I thank you.
stevek
16-08-2005, 04:46 PM
Originally posted by mik59
I have today beaten my personal record for number of days being alive.
I thank you.
I'm planning on being immortal. So far, so good.
Smurph
17-08-2005, 09:51 AM
Nurses prefer Kit-Kats to Twixes. Double Deckers are the preferred confectionary of consultant aneasthetists.
Eye-dee
17-08-2005, 09:55 AM
You can't 'waste' water, you can only re-position it, there has always been the same amount of water on earth. :D
Steve C
17-08-2005, 01:31 PM
Originally posted by EagleSE24
I am the only male aged 16-30 who hasn't slept with Jodie Marsh
You hav,nt missed much, she snores and eats chrisps in bed.:o
Jalfrezi_Enema
17-08-2005, 03:02 PM
Pop songstress Tanita Tikaram is the hush-hush love-child of Mr Tickle and Little Miss Wigwam.
Tim Westwood's beastly gran is the head of the UK arm of The Cripps and would shoot him if he didn't take her to the shops.
Although this would partially fulfill his innermost desires, it's not dope to get whacked by your Nan, man.
Phil's Barber
17-08-2005, 04:06 PM
1f83
Oxford Press have reverted to calling this years "Guide to Acronyms" by it's full name. The 2004 edition "G.T.A." was found to be too confusing and sales of the famous guide slumped.
celery stick
18-08-2005, 09:29 AM
At its current rate of population growth, Chile will consume the entire world's production of peanut butter within six years.
celery stick
18-08-2005, 09:31 AM
Andrew Johnson never once set foot inside the White House. Instead, he performed his Presidential duties from inside a giant, hollow watermelon in Mexico.
celery stick
18-08-2005, 09:33 AM
Terry Christian, infamous TV presenter has not had a bath since 5th February 1973, when he found a dead yak in the tub of his Mosley home, triggering in him a permanent psychosis of all humped, waterborne, oxen.
Micky Droy
18-08-2005, 09:47 AM
Information about shared DNA.
PalaceMonkey
18-08-2005, 09:48 AM
ROFL :D
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-08-2005, 11:44 AM
World famous DNA scientist, Micky Droy, has successfully crossed vegetable DNA with that of a twelve inch ruler and makes a fortune selling self-straightening cucumbers to the EEC.
Unfortunately he was eating his sandwiches at the time and has also developed a foot fungus that attacks millipedes with devestating effects.
Jalfrezi_Enema
18-08-2005, 11:46 AM
After calling Mike Riley a first class professional referee, Roman Abramovich has been fined a thousand pounds for Tsarcasm.
Micky Droy
18-08-2005, 11:46 AM
Everything in Star Trek II Wrath of Khan actually happened to William Shatner in 1968.
Oddjob
18-08-2005, 11:56 AM
Palace Monkeys record collection ONLY contains music by primate related bands, i.e you will find every 12 inch by the Blow Monkeys, the greatest hits of American gangsta rappers The Orang-u-tan Clan and CD's by Canadian rock chick Ape-ril Lavigne.
Smurph
18-08-2005, 12:06 PM
...not to mention Paul Simian and Pat Ba-boone.
Oddjob
18-08-2005, 12:09 PM
Like it
More please
Phil's Barber
18-08-2005, 12:17 PM
Primate Scream.
Gorillaz *(Obviously)
and of course "the best monkey album in the world ever. 2"
prs100
18-08-2005, 12:18 PM
Because of the publics insatiable demand for all things small and cute, the Andrex puppy is no longer a canine but a grey squirrel who has been subjected to 100+ hours of brutal plastic surgery until he gained the required look.
mik59
18-08-2005, 12:40 PM
Clearly The Monkees, The Chimp-munk-ees (ouch!), soulster Lemur...
RickyB
18-08-2005, 01:07 PM
The Goodies anyone?
RickyB
18-08-2005, 01:07 PM
http://alumni.ox.compsoc.net/~dickson/gibbon.html
RickyB
18-08-2005, 01:09 PM
Monkey Business - Black Eyed Peas
PalaceMonkey
18-08-2005, 01:14 PM
okay enough of this, we don't want the thread to be put in CCG!
Oddjob
18-08-2005, 01:22 PM
Banana-rama
PalaceMonkey
18-08-2005, 01:30 PM
Oddjob is so named, as his jobbies always come out in bizarre shapes.
The last one looked a bit like the Taj Mahal (incidentally his 4th favourite curry house)
Phil's Barber
18-08-2005, 01:37 PM
OddJob carving the Sunday roast still draws a crowd in Canvey. The sight of that Bowler hat flying through the air and into the joint is a true spectacle.
Oddjob
19-08-2005, 08:44 AM
Many think RickyB is named so as thats his actual name
Not True !
Its actually a reference to his joint favourite ever eastenders characther, it was either that or PaulineF
RickyB
19-08-2005, 08:51 AM
Wrong!
EthelS :D
Oddjob
19-08-2005, 09:01 AM
sorry DottyC
Smurph
19-08-2005, 09:12 AM
A five year study by Hampshire Trading Standards into "Get Rich Quick" schemes has shown that out of all the thousands of schemes in existence, one really does work.
PM me and I will tell you all about it and where to send your cheques (minimum investment £100, but the more you put in the more you get back).
Jalfrezi_Enema
19-08-2005, 12:29 PM
After PM-ing Smurph, Jalfrezi_Enema is now a bona-fide millionaire.
Adlerhorst
19-08-2005, 12:31 PM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
After PM-ing Smurph, Jalfrezi_Enema is now a bona-fide millionaire.
Jalfrezi's back :lux: :lux: :lux:
We're invading Turkmenistan, do you want in? Mickey Droy volunteered you for a suicide mission.
1fb2
Jalfrezi_Enema
19-08-2005, 12:32 PM
The speed of light is 5 secs slower than it used to be over a million mile dash.
Energy, therefore, is now equivalent to mass times the speed of light squared - and a bit.
Jalfrezi_Enema
19-08-2005, 12:36 PM
Originally posted by Adlerhorst
We're invading Turkmenistan, do you want in? Mickey Droy volunteered you for a suicide mission.
Well, you can always rely on your friends. I volunteer MD for potato peeling as he fights like a girl!
Micky Droy
19-08-2005, 12:38 PM
Take it to the Turkmenistan thread, comrades.
(J_E I think you'll find that we - if you're up for it - are going to invade Iran from our Turkmenistan haven, for purposes of Lebenraum.)
Smurph
19-08-2005, 01:03 PM
All of the background performers in Ricky Gervais's new Series "Extras" are in fact waiters and shop assistants.
celery stick
19-08-2005, 06:15 PM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
Oddjob is so named, as his jobbies always come out in bizarre shapes.
The last one looked a bit like the Taj Mahal (incidentally his 4th favourite curry house)
Genius.
celery stick
19-08-2005, 06:18 PM
Originally posted by Micky Droy
Everything in Star Trek II Wrath of Khan actually happened to William Shatner in 1968.
The actual paper bag which William Shatner failed to act his way out of in the first Star Trek movie was recently auctioned at Sotheby's in London and was sold for 500 pounds.
celery stick
19-08-2005, 06:20 PM
The Mughal emperor Shah Jahan named the Taj Mahal after his favourite take-away on the King's Road in Agra.
Oddjob
22-08-2005, 08:42 AM
Due to the spiralling costs incurred when running a website of this size, the BBS is having to come up with new ways to raise funds, therefore from today some members will have their names amended in line with sponsorship deals arranged with local/national businesses
Please find to follow a list of those already agreed
RickyB + Q
DANCO-OP
Chester Zoo
Jade Palace Monkey - Surbitons top Chinese restaurant, free delivery with all orders over £10.
Admittedly some of the names are less than catchy, but this is for your BBS, every penny counts.
Oddjob
22-08-2005, 09:30 AM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Due to the spiralling costs incurred when running a website of this size, the BBS is having to come up with new ways to raise funds, therefore from today some members will have their names amended in line with sponsorship deals arranged with local/national businesses
Please find to follow a list of those already agreed
RickyB + Q
DANCO-OP
Chester Zoo
Jade Palace Monkey - Surbitons top Chinese restaurant, free delivery with all orders over £10.
Admittedly some of the names are less than catchy, but this is for your BBS, every penny counts.
Update !! New deals just struck
C-Block Ladbrokes
PaypAL From Bromley
PsychoKil-Lurpak
More as we get it - i.e as I think of them
MicksSis
22-08-2005, 09:33 AM
:D Are you making these up yourself? Or do you have an office of people helping you?
Oddjob
22-08-2005, 11:00 AM
Update, for the adults only:
Mistress Jalfrezi's Enema's - Discretion Assured, No Watersports.
Oddjob
22-08-2005, 07:33 PM
I am making these up myself, I get very bored
Oddjob
23-08-2005, 12:00 PM
And More
Terrace Branston Bickle
MAZda Mx -5
anyone want me to stop?
mik59
23-08-2005, 12:06 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
anyone want me to stop? If there is anyone - ignore them. Carry on fella!
Oddjob
24-08-2005, 12:01 PM
Li-ON Digital
Troll-LEYland DAF
Oddjob
24-08-2005, 12:01 PM
Ok, I am running out of ideas here, and am also surprisingly alone
MicksSis
24-08-2005, 12:14 PM
Maybe that is because you are the 'Odd Job Man' :D
Jalfrezi_Enema
25-08-2005, 11:28 AM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Update, for the adults only:
Mistress Jalfrezi's Enema's - Discretion Assured, No Watersports.
So everyone get'a a famous company/product....except me....and I'm sponsored by a wh*re apparently.
:p
Oddj - Obstetricians. An amateur service, they don't know what's wrong with you and couldn't help if they did, but they'll have a look anyway.
(Wah-Wah-Waaaaah!)
Oddjob
25-08-2005, 11:31 AM
Very good
I was starting to get very lonely here !
Jalfrezi_Enema
25-08-2005, 11:34 AM
Micky Droy Cleaning - All items cleaned by an android with a scathing wit. Then eaten.
Palace, mon - Keys. A Rastafarian Palace Supporters Key Emporium and Leather Shop.
PalaceMonkey
25-08-2005, 11:36 AM
:D
Oddjob
25-08-2005, 11:37 AM
Thats the spirit people, keep it going.
Jalfrezi_Enema
25-08-2005, 11:41 AM
c72
Celery Stick Em Ups - For all Your Vegetable Based Air Freshener needs.
Damn, I had a real one before I came in here. Oddjob's amazing powers of distraction strike again!
Oh, yeah.....
Jalfrezi_Enema
25-08-2005, 11:51 AM
The Dutch name Boudewijn, when translated back into English, rhymes with Rolo, apparently.
Jalfrezi_Enema
25-08-2005, 11:56 AM
Scholars have found that English was, in fact, the worlds first language, originally being used by fish in the plasticine era it was latter dropped by the dinosaurs in favour of an ear-splitting roar.
As a sub-note, now that it has been discovered to be part of the animal hindbrain and therefore inherited by all humans at birth, the next time you come across johnny foreigner, it is perfectly okay to use lingual osmotics to make them understand you - just shout a bit louder, you'll find that they just haven't been trying.
James Melody
25-08-2005, 12:55 PM
John Salako mananges to hang on to his youthful looks by drinking the blood of virgins.
John Salako is in fact 322 years old.
PalaceMonkey
25-08-2005, 01:09 PM
Prodigy frontman, Keith Flint is invisible to the naked eye, being only 3.2 nanometres tall.
During live performances & video shoots, he performs in a specially made booth that is able to project a greatly enlarged version of him onto the stage.
PalaceMonkey
25-08-2005, 02:27 PM
It has been proven that when the BBS is down, unplanned pregnancies increase by upto 7%
Smurph
25-08-2005, 02:59 PM
James Melody is dangerously aneamic.
The Pieman
25-08-2005, 04:41 PM
Londeners are more likely to eat lion bars than any other chocolate.
Smurph
26-08-2005, 10:53 AM
Paninis are becoming increasingly popular as a metrosexual alternative to the humble sandwich but not many people realise that they are made from recycled sticker albums.
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