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Il Padrino
19-10-2005, 03:54 PM
You can beat an egg but you cant beat a good wank
PalaceMonkey
19-10-2005, 03:56 PM
Originally posted by EagleSE24
Yes
Jalfrezi_Enema 379
Oddjob 216
PalaceMonkey 179
DANCOO 147
RickyB 109
James Melody 104
u8mygoat 86
CanveyEagle 78
Micky Droy 66
Del Gland 50
EagleSE24 46
Smurph 39
DDD 35
Phil's Barber 31
A comfortable third place.
I'm happy with that.
Oddjob
19-10-2005, 04:01 PM
The playoffs look like they could be interesting
Phil's Barber
19-10-2005, 04:02 PM
The initial estimate of up to 75000 deaths from Bird Flu could double if the virus mutates and is passed onto men.
stevek
19-10-2005, 04:04 PM
Originally posted by Phil's Barber
The initial estimate of up to 75000 deaths from Bird Flu could double if the virus mutates and is passed onto men.
PMSL.
EagleSE24
19-10-2005, 04:05 PM
I've posted on this thread more times than anyone else.
stevek
19-10-2005, 04:15 PM
Originally posted by EagleSE24
Yes
Jalfrezi_Enema 379
Oddjob 216
PalaceMonkey 179
DANCOO 147
RickyB 109
James Melody 104
u8mygoat 86
CanveyEagle 78
Micky Droy 66
Del Gland 50
EagleSE24 46
Smurph 39
DDD 35
Phil's Barber 31
This kind of post really does undermine the 'don't move this thread to ChitChatGold' argument.
James Melody
19-10-2005, 04:16 PM
Originally posted by stevek
This kind of post really does undermine the 'don't move this thread to ChitChatGold' argument.
SShhhhhh
James Melody
19-10-2005, 04:17 PM
stevek has two brothers, marius and tomasz
James Melody
19-10-2005, 04:17 PM
When chas visited stevek, he found a severed head in the freezer.
James Melody
19-10-2005, 04:18 PM
I voted for the green party at the last election
James Melody
19-10-2005, 04:21 PM
Kolinkins voted for the BNP at the last election
stevek
19-10-2005, 04:22 PM
Originally posted by James Melody
stevek has two brothers, marius and tomasz
Actually they're called Philk and Bobk.
James Melody
19-10-2005, 04:22 PM
Jalfrezi_Enema 379
Oddjob 217
PalaceMonkey 180
DANCOO 147
James Melody 110
RickyB 109
u8mygoat 86
CanveyEagle 78
Micky Droy 66
Del Gland 50
New Top 10!!!
I am in the top 5!! Woohoo
Oddjob
19-10-2005, 04:26 PM
Very sad, you saw how far you were behind RickyB and did a posting frenzy to go above him
Oddjob
19-10-2005, 04:27 PM
Do non-traditional posts count?
I.e this one.
stevek
19-10-2005, 04:28 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Very sad, you saw how far you were behind RickyB and did a posting frenzy to go above him
so Chit Chat Gold... :rolleyes:
Phil's Barber
19-10-2005, 04:38 PM
James Melody is currently assisting a pharmacutical company in trails of it's new competetive syrum: CCG1.
James Melody
19-10-2005, 05:44 PM
I would like to report that CCG1 has a number of "strange" side affects.
Georgie Boy
19-10-2005, 05:47 PM
If you watch too much TV these days, your eyes won't go square as such, they will now form into a rectangular shape.
Oddjob
19-10-2005, 09:34 PM
Skee Lo has recently grown from 5"7 to 5"9 - proving some wishes do come true
He still doesnt have a girl, so is unable to call her.
1f80
Micky Droy
20-10-2005, 08:48 AM
The Beholder has only one eye, and it's crammed full of pretty objects.
Emu was in fact a real bird and it was Rod Hull who was actually made of foam rubber.
It is a little known fact that the Queens favourite band are indeed Queen, whilst Prince Phillip loves early Prince albums.
Prince Edward is a huge Gay Bikers on Acid fan.
To his shame Johnny Vaughans brief spell in Brixton prison was punctuated by a huge stretch at public school.
Smurph
20-10-2005, 09:00 AM
Judith Chalmers played an Oompa Loompa in the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie.
Smurph
20-10-2005, 09:04 AM
The Carpenter's song, Close to You, was inspired by Bernard Matthews.
EagleSE24
20-10-2005, 09:14 AM
63% of French teachers are afraid of garlic.
PalaceMonkey
20-10-2005, 09:16 AM
Shaun Ryder is in talks to take over the Sue Ryder charity shop chain.
Londons Mayor and confirmed media whore Ken Livingstone has banned shortbread being served from all London Assembly meetings, Ken is also working on proposals to ban pumpkins from all council offices in London and a report is due to be published in 2007.
Fat, spotty ex Radio One DJ Simon Mayos father is the inventor of Mayonaise hence the name.
PalaceMonkey
20-10-2005, 09:34 AM
Cocaine is good for you, however it interacts with chemicals in rolled up notes to form an addictive, dangerous drug
Smurph
20-10-2005, 09:37 AM
Purple is not a colour but a texture.
Smurph
20-10-2005, 09:37 AM
The Lost Gardens of Heligan have had to close to the public after falling foul of local trading standards regulations regarding false advertising. Paradoxically, now they are no longer open, they are free to use the name once more.
EagleSE24
20-10-2005, 09:43 AM
Mirrors and cameras give a picture of what you look like on the 'inside'. Everyone else sees a completely different face.
EagleSE24
20-10-2005, 09:46 AM
The words Iain and Dowie are onomatopoeias.
Its a well known fact that Fat Men Cant Draw Apples.
After years of clinical study it has also been found that Skinny Men are unable to draw Tangerines whilst men under 5'4 have great trouble sketching limes.
Jalfrezi_Enema
20-10-2005, 11:46 AM
Originally posted by Oddjob
James Melody is currently considering murdering the people above him on the FMCDA leaderboard, such is his desparation to win.
First up is J_E who will be stoned to death with onion bhajis
Luckily all curry based projectiles will be absorbed by my heat shielding.
Jalfrezi_Enema
20-10-2005, 11:47 AM
Yes, Daniel o'Donnell and Rick Astley are the same man.
Jalfrezi_Enema
20-10-2005, 11:47 AM
Djibril Cisse's head is sponsored by the fuzzy felt farmyard.
Jalfrezi_Enema
20-10-2005, 11:48 AM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Djibril Cisse's head is sponsored by the fuzzy felt farmyard.
But don't take the mick 'cos his best mate Harry Kewell-san is a Samurai warrior.
Jalfrezi_Enema
20-10-2005, 11:49 AM
94% of all lamposts on all suburban streets have had a drunk SMACK their head off them at one time or another.
Smurph
20-10-2005, 11:57 AM
Djibril Cisse was cloned from Abel Xavier's beard trimmings.
James Melody
20-10-2005, 12:50 PM
Sandra Bernhard was voted Time Magazine "Man of the Year" in 1996
James Melody
20-10-2005, 12:52 PM
Pam St Clement (Pat Butcher) and Patricia Routledge (Hyacinth Bucket) are well known to be lesbian lovers.
What is not so well know is that Pam St Clement was once a man called Frank
Micky Droy
20-10-2005, 02:49 PM
Maggie Philbin is 8% avian.
yeulet_l
20-10-2005, 02:56 PM
60% of statistics are made up on the spot.
Phil's Barber
20-10-2005, 03:01 PM
Several people suffered minor injuries today in Trafalgar Square. It is believed a stampeed started when a pigeon with a Lempsip under it's wing sneezed.
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:29 PM
101% of college teachers recommend Maths as a subject
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:31 PM
1f7d
Harry Potter was arrested earlier today for playing Quidditch in the street which is against the local by-laws.
He is expected to do a short spell in prison.
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:32 PM
Matthew Kelly goes to Thailand for the scenery
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:33 PM
Dell PC's are not actually made by me or by my company - so please stop asking for discounts!
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:35 PM
Scientists in the Artic have discovered a whole group of Walrus's called Paul
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:37 PM
Tests to try out a device that can detect offsides in football were abandoned today after the laser beam sliced an offside player's leg off at the knee.
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:41 PM
Police arrested a small band of fortune telling gypsies for fraud earlier today after a man took a houseplant in to them and they were unable to read his Palm.
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:42 PM
On this day in 1786 Joseph Smelt was admitted to hospital with a broken back just moments after inventing the World's first two-legged chair!
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:44 PM
Pete Doherty was nominated for a Ivor Novello award earlier today for his services to songwriting.
His mum was later taken away for observation!
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:46 PM
A version of the Highland Games is held every Saturday night in Glasgow. One of the most popular events is "Tossing The Cabbie"
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:47 PM
Ben E King plays the dead body in Stand By Me
Del Gland
20-10-2005, 03:48 PM
Del Gland was fired earlier today for posting 12 in a row at work.
He claims to have no interest in the chart:rolleyes:
Oddjob
20-10-2005, 04:21 PM
Jimmy Greaves has correctly predicted 72 riots around the world.
James Melody
20-10-2005, 06:20 PM
Del Gland has recently contract a nast strain of mustpostonapplesthreaditis
James Melody
20-10-2005, 06:20 PM
Julian Clary is Ray Winstones mother
James Melody
20-10-2005, 06:22 PM
Roy Keane was born with male and female reproductive parts
Oddjob
20-10-2005, 07:07 PM
Its impossible to say the word guava with 2 ping pong balls in your mouth
Phil's Barber
20-10-2005, 09:35 PM
Originally posted by James Melody
Julian Clary is Ray Winstones mother
When Rays mum says "where's your tool?" it takes on an entirely different meaning.
Phil's Barber
20-10-2005, 09:47 PM
Originally posted by James Melody
Julian Clary is Ray Winstones mother
When Rays mum says "where's your tool?" it takes on an entirely different meaning.
Pat of the Palace
20-10-2005, 10:20 PM
Terry Wogan will be the new Ireland manager.
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-10-2005, 07:15 AM
++CAUTION++WARNING++CAUTION++WARNING++CAUT
If you have an electronic key card for work DO NOT put this in the same pocket as your mobile phone. The resulting 'weird flux', as scientists are calling it, can cause your hearing aid to be turned up (if applicable), pigeons to lose their way home and initiate a sudden desire to wear orange.
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-10-2005, 07:15 AM
Being dead is GREAT!
PalaceMonkey
21-10-2005, 08:24 AM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
++CAUTION++WARNING++CAUTION++WARNING++CAUT
If you have an electronic key card for work DO NOT put this in the same pocket as your mobile phone. The resulting 'weird flux', as scientists are calling it, can cause your hearing aid to be turned up (if applicable), pigeons to lose their way home and initiate a sudden desire to wear orange.
I ma confused, is it people who have keys & mobile in pocket that want to wear orange, or is it the lost pigeons who want to wear orange?
Smurph
21-10-2005, 08:48 AM
Diogenes of Sinope was also known as Diogenes the Dog on account of his ability to lick his own testicles and his fondness for retrieving sticks.
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-10-2005, 08:54 AM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
I ma confused
Um....Yes, you are.
Del Gland
21-10-2005, 08:57 AM
Continuing a seemingly ridiculous run of coincidence, Christmas Day will again be on December 25th
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-10-2005, 08:57 AM
Um Bongo is actually only drunk in the Amazon Basin.
PalaceMonkey
21-10-2005, 09:00 AM
King Kong is vegetarian, but occasionally succumbs to the temptation of bacon & sausage sandwich
Smurph
21-10-2005, 09:01 AM
2081
Nanette Newman is the source of 93.4% of the world's supply of the milk of human kindness. Despite spending as much as ten hours a day connected to a milking machine, she doesn't let it get her down.
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-10-2005, 09:02 AM
Flesh eating zombies make great pets.
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-10-2005, 09:04 AM
Palace Monkey's ma is confused.
She wanted a human baby.
PalaceMonkey
21-10-2005, 09:04 AM
I am not a number, I am freeman, hardy & willis.
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-10-2005, 09:06 AM
The Beardy-Weirdy project toy 'Beagle II' doesn't consider itself lost but free and is having a great time with all the aliens it has met since landing on the red planet (which is, obviously, blue).
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-10-2005, 09:08 AM
"PHWIIIIIIII-IIIIII-IIIIIIIIIING.............................and SPLASH!"
Yep, he went out on his own again.
Daft B@stard.
Oddjob
21-10-2005, 09:08 AM
Joe Hannesburg of Dudley in the West Midlands has recently changed his name to Sue Doku because of his obsession with the number crunching game
PalaceMonkey
21-10-2005, 09:09 AM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
"PHWIIIIIIII-IIIIII-IIIIIIIIIING.............................and SPLASH!"
Yep, he went out on his own again.
Daft B@stard.
:confused: :D :p
Del Gland
21-10-2005, 09:10 AM
Plans are afoot to build a new International Port on the River Arun at Arundel to link up with the Isle Of Wight Ferry
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-10-2005, 09:11 AM
Tyne Tees Television have bought the rights to the american tv series and have already started filming the first episode of CSI: Hartlepool.
EagleSE24
21-10-2005, 09:12 AM
It is possible to be irritated to death. Giles Farmer was once put in a room with Kris Akabusi, Vanessa Feltz, Jade Goody and Jeremy Beadle. He dropped dead after 2hrs 42mins. A fine effort.
RIP
Del Gland
21-10-2005, 09:13 AM
The BBS Edit facility does not work until you have actually posted .
Del Gland
21-10-2005, 09:13 AM
Further update on BeagleII
Reuters reports that it was spotted this morning returning to Earth's orbit holding a rather large stick
EagleSE24
21-10-2005, 09:17 AM
Joe Stalin was literally as weak as a baby
Smurph
21-10-2005, 09:19 AM
Burger King are to introduce a spicy bean burger made of 100% pure ground beef, for those that don't like beans (or spices).
Del Gland
21-10-2005, 09:20 AM
An interesting experiment took place in July when a car, a bus, a bicycle, and a snail took part in a race accross London in the Rush hour.
Surprisingly the winner was the snail who finished last week.
A subsequent enquiry suuggested that next time they actually get drivers and riders for the vehicles..
Del Gland
21-10-2005, 09:26 AM
There is no such thing as the "longest" or "shortest" day.
Both are optical illusions
Del Gland
21-10-2005, 09:29 AM
Disaster struck earlier today in the Pamphlet Section of the British Library after a cleaner left the window open.
Del Gland
21-10-2005, 09:31 AM
Popular singing duo Nina and Frederick are both men!
Del Gland
21-10-2005, 09:33 AM
Originally posted by James Melody
Roy Keane was born with male and female reproductive parts
To clear up any confusion Roy likes to be known as a female reproductive part
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-10-2005, 09:34 AM
Originally posted by Del Gland
The BBS Edit facility does not work until you have actually posted .
This man posts the TRUTH! Sacrilege! Burn him! Make him clean his own shoes!
-8000 posts to you, Sir.
Leaving you snugly in both second and third place I think you'll find.
mik59
21-10-2005, 09:48 AM
It's been revealed that the BBC is planning to diversify its business by acquiring some additional licences e.g. for garden hoses and hot potatoes
James Melody
21-10-2005, 09:53 AM
Popular 80's signing sensations "Dollar" toured under the name "Yen" in Japan. They remain a huge act and recently played in front of 200,00 0 people in Tokyo
PalaceMonkey
21-10-2005, 10:02 AM
Ironically Japan's last tour in Japan flopped :(
EagleSE24
21-10-2005, 10:05 AM
Simon Jordan thinks he's turning Japanese, he thinks he's turning Japanese. He really does think so.
So much so that he now live in a Pagoda and is introducing a new crazy game show to the Selhurst half time entertainment
James Melody
21-10-2005, 10:08 AM
Originally posted by James Melody
Popular 80's signing sensations "Dollar" toured under the name "Yen" in Japan. They remain a huge act and recently played in front of 200,00 0 people in Tokyo
Under current conversion rates that is equal to playing in front of 1,734.95 americans
1f61
mik59
21-10-2005, 10:24 AM
The BBS is being sued for breach of copyright by the curator of ancient Iraqui hieroglyphics who claims that Babylonian Broadcasting Service is an accurate translation of the tablets
Micky Droy
21-10-2005, 10:44 AM
Simon Jordan's new gameshow is to be called "Deng-Pa Sho Nin" which can be translated as "Don't go for it, Electric Boy!".
PalaceMonkey
21-10-2005, 10:46 AM
The Japanese version of Stuart Hall is currently being re-constructed and shipped over to Selhurst to present "Deng-Pa Sho Nin".
His name will simply be - "TinGoat"
Oddjob
21-10-2005, 10:54 AM
The members of the band Snow Patrol make spare cash by funnily enough, patrolling snow.
EagleSE24
21-10-2005, 10:54 AM
The hostess of the gameshow will be called pussygalore. Or as it's translated into Japanese - 'we have an abundance of felines'
Micky Droy
21-10-2005, 10:59 AM
Originally posted by PalaceMonkey
The Japanese version of Stuart Hall is currently being re-constructed and shipped over to Selhurst to present "Deng-Pa Sho Nin".
His name will simply be - "TinGoat"
The 'Electric boy' of the title is a kid plucked from the crowd by the Selhurst Roving Cam and shown on the Jumbotron. The child is wired up with all sorts of voltage boosters and nodules and brain clamps and stuff. The task is to remain still, or to move, it's the child's choice. Either way there's a forfeit involving electricity and power assisted jumping or fainting or dying.
PalaceMonkey
21-10-2005, 11:02 AM
It is thought that C_Block_Lad has accelerated his self-cloning programme.
He wants as many chances as possible to be "Electric Boy"
EagleSE24
21-10-2005, 11:05 AM
The prize given at the end is to avoid have dishonour bestowed upon your family and ancestors.
Maidstoned Eagle
21-10-2005, 11:06 AM
David Icke "April Fool!"
Micky Droy
21-10-2005, 11:06 AM
Originally posted by EagleSE24
The prize given at the end is to avoid have dishonour bestowed upon your family and ancestors.
And you get to watch Crystal Palace lose to even shitter teams. And a pie for a only a quid.
James Melody
21-10-2005, 11:06 AM
C block lad is actually a Chelsea fan trolling on these boards
Smurph
21-10-2005, 11:07 AM
Freddie 'Parrot Face' Davis is not worried about the potential Bird Flu pandemic - he has private medical insurance with the RSPB.
James Melody
21-10-2005, 11:08 AM
Porsche are now offering a guarantee on all new 911s purchased before the end of the year.
They guarantee that the car will get you laid no matter what you look like
Maidstoned Eagle
21-10-2005, 11:10 AM
Dan Brown admits The Da Vinci Code was all lies.
EagleSE24
21-10-2005, 11:11 AM
Due to the dangers of sawing someone in half, Debbie McGee is actually 2 midgets in a Debbie McGee suit.
Smurph
21-10-2005, 11:15 AM
Originally posted by James Melody
Porsche are now offering a guarantee on all new 911s purchased before the end of the year.
They guarantee that the car will get you laid no matter what you look like
Stop press: Porsche UK have withdrawn this campaign after an anonymous source forwarded them this photograph:
http://gallery.cpfc.org/xmasbash2004/DSCF3308
EagleSE24
21-10-2005, 11:23 AM
Spurs motto 'Audere est facere' translates into English as 'softly, softly, catchy monkey'
James Melody
21-10-2005, 11:25 AM
Originally posted by Smurph
Stop press: Porsche UK have withdrawn this campaign after an anonymous source forwarded them this photograph:
http://gallery.cpfc.org/xmasbash2004/DSCF3308
Is that link in your favorites?
Oddjob
21-10-2005, 11:26 AM
Either one of you drinks really slowly, or the other really quickly
Smurph
21-10-2005, 11:28 AM
Profiterole is the German term for the Koran.
James Melody
21-10-2005, 11:28 AM
Konlinkins has issued a fatwa on Smurph
James Melody
21-10-2005, 11:30 AM
Maz and Alf are the same person
Smurph
21-10-2005, 11:30 AM
Originally posted by James Melody
Is that link in your favorites?
No, but it made a lasting impression on me. Fortunately I'm unable to view it as it gets blocked by our web filter as "tasteless and offensive". ;)
James Melody
21-10-2005, 11:31 AM
Originally posted by Smurph
No, but it made a lasting impression on me. Fortunately I'm unable to view it as it gets blocked by our web filter as "tasteless and offensive". ;)
:lux:
James Melody
21-10-2005, 11:32 AM
1fb3
James Mitchell has frequently tried to move FMCDA to CCG. He has been overruled by all th other mods on the basis that he is a grumpy old fart
Smurph
21-10-2005, 11:32 AM
Originally posted by James Melody
Konlinkins has issued a fatwa on Smurph
Fatwa is the islamic term for James Melody.
James Melody
21-10-2005, 11:33 AM
Originally posted by Smurph
Fatwa is the islamic term for James Melody.
James Melody is an imam at the Finsbury Park mosque
James Melody
21-10-2005, 11:35 AM
Islamic men can't draw nectarines
EagleSE24
21-10-2005, 11:37 AM
The Mensa tug of war team have never won a match in their 79yr history.
Oddjob
21-10-2005, 11:40 AM
James Melody is Brandon Blocks long lost twin.
mik59
21-10-2005, 11:48 AM
The entire bar staff of the Cherries are entitled to claim the throne of England
Jalfrezi_Enema
21-10-2005, 12:21 PM
The Atlantic ocean is only 18% water, the rest is seaweed, whales and plutonium.
James Melody
21-10-2005, 12:41 PM
It is well known around these parts that Oddjob works in IT Support. However, he has recently moved to a new and exciting IT Support role with Auric Goldfinger's company GoldBank in Canvey Island.
What does the future hold for our hero? Only time will tell.
EagleSE24
21-10-2005, 01:20 PM
If you mashed all the potatoes eaten in Ireland in one week you would have enough to fill the grand canyon 7 times over.
mik59
21-10-2005, 01:30 PM
It is an entirely realistic possibility that mik59 will shift his ass out of his chair some time today and go and do something more constructive
Oddjob
21-10-2005, 02:00 PM
James Melody won the 1974 Oscar for Best Actor in a supporting role
Ask for a cold beer can in Kingston, Jamaica, and you wont get a tin of Red Stripe but a nice bit of uncooked streaky
Ex-Animal Magic presenter Johnny Morris had multiple personality disorder which led him to believe he was a camel, a lemur and a cokatoo called Cecil.
80% of the hamsters born in Scotland are bred for food.
PalaceMonkey
21-10-2005, 03:00 PM
Chimneys can be used as large, brick cigars by giants
PalaceMonkey
21-10-2005, 03:00 PM
Nessie lived in Loch Ness till 1974, she then moved to Eastbourne as she was getting on a bit.
Jo Brand has just been voted Pipe Smoker of the year for the third year running - a record !!
Disgraced ex-Tory MP Jeffery Archer was 'nobodys bitch' during his stint in prison and was in fact known as the 'Daddy of D wing' for the last 6 months of his sentence.
Maidstoned Eagle
21-10-2005, 03:36 PM
The Dodecahedron is the saddest of all shapes.
Milton Keynes is built entrely from supersize Lego.
Fatima Whitbread has a cock.
Dont panic boys she isnt a guy - Rocky is Fatimas pet rooster and she bought him last year from a local farmer
Oddjob
21-10-2005, 08:09 PM
PM reckons he knows a lot about music, but in truth his cd collection consists of 142 copies of 'The Sound Of The Pan-Pipes'
mik59
23-10-2005, 10:16 PM
When DJing Neil The Eagle plays cover versions he recorded in his bedroom employing common household objects as instruments. He doesn't do the vocals though.
Smurph
24-10-2005, 08:04 AM
When Robbie Coltrane was at art school an unsuccessful still-life class resulted in the creation of Badly Drawn Boy.
Oddjob
24-10-2005, 07:56 PM
Following the announcement of the FMCDA tour, a row has broken out between JM and The Monkey over merchandising rights , J_E is said to be happy as long as he gets a dressing room with a star on the door.
James Melody
24-10-2005, 08:04 PM
Nobody who has read "War and Peace" has enjoyed it
Oddjob
24-10-2005, 08:07 PM
Haircut 100 were a great band, but no-one remembers the 99 that preceeded it, including the horrendous Haircut 74, who did all their songs in Gaelic.
James Melody
24-10-2005, 08:09 PM
The finale to the 18th season of the simpsons will be broadcast live.
James Melody
24-10-2005, 08:13 PM
1f88
If you place an infinite number of monkeys in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, given infinite time they will eventually write a chevy chase film worth watching
tommygear
24-10-2005, 08:20 PM
"Hote Cuisine" literally translated means "Hot food"
mik59
24-10-2005, 09:26 PM
A new medical study claims to prove that nothing is good for you if taken in moderation, unless consumed in threes, and then only in a foetus position and if you take a long swim immediately aftterwards
Oddjob
24-10-2005, 09:34 PM
A little of what you fancy doesn't always do you good, as I currently fancy impaling myself on a javelin
EagleSE24
25-10-2005, 08:51 AM
The Government are secretly breeding a race of super humans who can drink 5 pints without needing a piss, aren't scared of clowns, can listen to all the Xmas no. 1 singles without throttling someone and understand what a woman means when she says there is 'nothing' wrong.
They will be in control by 2023.
baroli
25-10-2005, 08:56 AM
Horse milk used to be used for cheese making throughout the UK up until the 14th century when cows were imported from the channel islands.
James Melody
27-10-2005, 11:31 AM
The FMCDA crew will be appearing at the Sheffield Utd home game. We will all be attempting the half time "on me shed son" challenge
Oddjob
27-10-2005, 11:32 AM
Originally posted by James Melody
The FMCDA crew will be appearing at the Sheffield Utd home game. We will all be attempting the half time "on me shed son" challenge
Nearly all of us, as J_E doesnt actually have any legs, thus making participation tricky.
Maybe later he'll explain what happened to him.
PalaceMonkey
27-10-2005, 11:35 AM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Following the announcement of the FMCDA tour, a row has broken out between JM and The Monkey over merchandising rights , J_E is said to be happy as long as he gets a dressing room with a star on the door.
Merchandising rights have now been agreed, following PM's signing of a lucrative contract entitling him to 98% of all the tours takings.
PalaceMonkey
27-10-2005, 11:35 AM
Unfortunately the remaining 2% actually make up the bulk of the monies :(
James Melody
27-10-2005, 11:38 AM
I am a freelance belly dancer available for corporate functions, weddings and bahmitzvahs
Oddjob
27-10-2005, 11:40 AM
My friend Roger Rosenbaum sadly died last week at his own Barmitzvah, apparently he had a heart attack following some sort of entertainment his parents had booked.
James Melody
27-10-2005, 11:41 AM
I have taken up cpr since an unfortunate incident at a recent event I was working at.
Oddjob
27-10-2005, 11:49 AM
Originally posted by James Melody
I have taken up cpr since an unfortunate incident at a recent event I was working at.
:D :D :D
James Melody
27-10-2005, 11:56 AM
I could have pulled in the pub last night
Oddjob
27-10-2005, 11:58 AM
Originally posted by James Melody
I could have pulled in the pub last night
The best one yet !
PalaceMonkey
27-10-2005, 11:59 AM
Originally posted by James Melody
I could have pulled in the pub last night
good one! :D
Cats are genetically identical to blancmange, and will turn into blancmange if put into a bowl.
The Welsh are the worlds largest consumers of sponge fingers and will eat their own body weight in the spongy treats annually.
James Melody
27-10-2005, 03:06 PM
Cats and Dogs are both created in felinus and caninulus clouds.
This is the etymology of the phrase "raining like cats and dogs"
Oddjob
27-10-2005, 03:06 PM
Lesley from Big Brother loves me
Lesley from Big Brother loves kebabs and lager
James Melody
27-10-2005, 03:12 PM
I loved Lesley from Big Brother up the chocolate freeway last night
Oddjob
27-10-2005, 03:13 PM
Originally posted by DDD
Lesley from Big Brother loves kebabs and lager
So do I, I knew we were suited !
Oddjob
27-10-2005, 03:13 PM
Originally posted by James Melody
I loved Lesley from Big Brother up the chocolate freeway last night
She was one of the birds in the pub then eh?
James Melody
27-10-2005, 03:14 PM
The Welsh are the worlds largest worriers of sheep.
The people of New Zealand come a poor second.
James Melody
27-10-2005, 03:15 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
She was one of the birds in the pub then eh?
She was the one who said yes to me.
1f57
Originally posted by Oddjob
So do I, I knew we were suited !
Stalk her - if it doesnt work out you could always sell your story to Heat magazine
James Melody
27-10-2005, 03:16 PM
Originally posted by James Melody
She was the one who said yes to me.
I am the man from Del Monte
James Melody
27-10-2005, 03:17 PM
I discovered Viagra. I went out to my back garden and there it was, underneath a flowerpot.
I sold my discovery to Pele.
James Melody
27-10-2005, 04:08 PM
The King of Umboto Gorge in deepest darkest africa was a member of the french resistance.
James Melody
27-10-2005, 04:09 PM
I studied sculpture at St. Martin's College, that is where Oddjob caught my eye.
James Melody
27-10-2005, 04:11 PM
The Stairway to Heaven is located in Rio de Janeiro. It is a staircase cut into the mountain that leads up to a cave.
Passing though this cave used to lead you straight to Heaven without having to bother with St. Peter. Unfortunatly this cave was bricked up in 1939.
James Melody
27-10-2005, 04:12 PM
Psychokiller discovered a new and potent strain of crack cocaine growing naturally while on holiday in Ibiza.
Unfortunatly when he arrived back at this hotel he was so wasted he forgot where he had found the stash.
James Melody
27-10-2005, 04:14 PM
Oddjob will not consider me a true member of the FMCDA posse until I undergo the ritual of the burning colon.
I am too scared to even ask what that involves.
James Melody
27-10-2005, 10:41 PM
I have just found out about the ritual of the burning colon. It is a ritual administered by Jalfrezi_enema.
I think everyong can figure out what is involved.
EagleSE24
28-10-2005, 09:58 AM
Nautical compasses are at the mercy of the US Govt as magnetic north is in reality a giant industrial magnet that is moved around the world by the secret service 'for kicks'.
PalaceMonkey
28-10-2005, 09:59 AM
Terry ArseFlute of Canvey Island, stalks OJ, but only when Neighbours is on..
Oddjob
28-10-2005, 10:09 AM
Following this mornings bad news I shall not be posting on this thread for the next 24 hours
Oddjob
28-10-2005, 10:09 AM
Tartar (that manky stuff that gets on your teeth) is so named because it was invented by 2 rodents !!
u8mygoat
28-10-2005, 01:42 PM
Only 36% of all kebab meat comes from the kebab (a small animal which resulted from cross breeding a kaola and a pig). The kebab is found only in Bhutan and the cost of exporting it makes it almost entirely unfeasible for use in most kebab shops/vans.
Brillo Pads are made from the pubic hair of female Afghan mountain goats
Crossroads Amy Turtle was in fact a tortoise
Barry Gibb buys his hair at a wig shop in Blackburn
u8mygoat
28-10-2005, 01:47 PM
u8mygoat has not been ignoring the FMCDA thread but has been posting every day for the last 6 months using the invisible font, .
u8mygoat
28-10-2005, 01:50 PM
In Newcastle the excuse of "I didn't see them- they were camoflaged" holds up in a court of law for running down a football fan at a zebra crossing.
Oddjob
28-10-2005, 01:52 PM
The word ' Spaff ' scores 67 points in Scrabble
67% of the UK prefer a good 'spaff' to playing scrabble
EagleSE24
28-10-2005, 01:54 PM
But using that word can get you barred from the State Scrabble Asssociations in 8 southern states in the US.
EagleSE24
28-10-2005, 01:55 PM
Homosexuality is still illegal in Acton.
Originally posted by EagleSE24
But using that word can get you barred from the State Scrabble Asssociations in 8 southern states in the US.
Except Kentucky which has a town called Spaffington on the banks of the Mississippi
James Melody
28-10-2005, 02:17 PM
Total Posts: 2,205
User Posts
Jalfrezi_Enema 395
Oddjob 241
PalaceMonkey 195
James Melody 148
DANCOO 147
RickyB 109
u8mygoat 89
CanveyEagle 78
Micky Droy 71
Del Gland 71
For all concerned well done!
James Melody
28-10-2005, 02:18 PM
Originally posted by EagleSE24
Homosexuality is still illegal in Acton.
Funny fact.
In America there is a town called Poofsville in the state of Iowa. In the town of Poofsville, Acting is illegal!!
1f9d
Keepin these amazing US facts
Arsecrack, Michigan has a population of 15,723 - all male
Oddjob
28-10-2005, 02:22 PM
Originally posted by James Melody
Total Posts: 2,205
User Posts
Jalfrezi_Enema 395
Oddjob 241
PalaceMonkey 195
James Melody 148
DANCOO 147
RickyB 109
u8mygoat 89
CanveyEagle 78
Micky Droy 71
Del Gland 71
For all concerned well done!
Still a long way to go till you catchy monkey !
Starburst are in fact Opal fruits with a poncey, stupid name.
They are however still made to make your mouth water.
James Melody
28-10-2005, 02:28 PM
Originally posted by Oddjob
Still a long way to go till you catchy monkey !
I have the monkey in my sights. The only thing that can save him is some Monkey Magic. Come on pigsy!!
Smurph
28-10-2005, 02:38 PM
Dave has announced that no one user may post more than 50 times on any one thread and any posts in excess of this number will be deleted.
James Melody
28-10-2005, 02:47 PM
Goldberg Basher's post count will drop to under 300 under this new rule.
EagleSE24
28-10-2005, 02:55 PM
Metrosexuality is still illegal in Tower Hamlets and Catford.
James Melody
28-10-2005, 03:04 PM
Originally posted by EagleSE24
Metrosexuality is still illegal in Tower Hamlets and Catford.
Palacemonkey recently made an offer on a Penthouse in Catford but his offer was declined on these very grounds.
DANCOO
28-10-2005, 07:34 PM
Originally posted by James Melody
Total Posts: 2,205
User Posts
Jalfrezi_Enema 395
Oddjob 241
PalaceMonkey 195
James Melody 148
DANCOO 147
RickyB 109
u8mygoat 89
CanveyEagle 78
Micky Droy 71
Del Gland 71
For all concerned well done!
WHAT THE F*CK HAS BEEN GOING ON???????:veryangry :veryangry :veryangry :veryangry :veryangry
Oddjob
28-10-2005, 07:47 PM
Originally posted by DANCOO
WHAT THE F*CK HAS BEEN GOING ON???????:veryangry :veryangry :veryangry :veryangry :veryangry
Going down, going down, going down !!
Melody has gone a bit mental, he works out how many posts he needs to pass the next person and goes into a frenzy
Oddjob
28-10-2005, 07:53 PM
Wayne Mardle passed his driving test at the 43rd attempt
Smurph
28-10-2005, 07:57 PM
Bill Gates can't draw AppleMacs
Oddjob
28-10-2005, 07:59 PM
Jobi MacAnuff can't draw Gates
Smurph
28-10-2005, 08:04 PM
Skipping is illegal in Nantwich, Cheshire, although exceptions are made for dwarves and fishmongers.
mik59
28-10-2005, 08:20 PM
Political correctness that will please some BBSers (that don't post here much): there is a French wine called "Fat •••••••" which sells well in the US... except in Texas and Ohio where it is banned 'cos it upsets the proudly corpulent citizens of those states .... you couldn't make it up!
mik59
28-10-2005, 08:23 PM
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a recipe for making beer that can be used at home.
mik59
28-10-2005, 08:25 PM
If you're drinking in Texas and standing up in the bar - don't take more than three sips of beer at a time before you sit down or else you'll be in violation of state law.
mik59
28-10-2005, 08:27 PM
It's illegal to buy beer in Houston, Texas, after midnight on Sunday ... but it's perfectly ok to buy beer anytime on a Monday.
mik59
28-10-2005, 08:29 PM
Under Ohio state law it's illegal to get a fish drunk (don't think it says anything about monkeys though).
mik59
28-10-2005, 08:30 PM
In Fairbanks, Alaska, it's illegal to give a moose any type of alcohol beverage... most common American beers don't count.
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-10-2005, 10:17 AM
Although Jesus was the son of a carpenter, he didn't like wood work. It made him cross.
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-10-2005, 10:18 AM
The Invisible man could be seen by cats.
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-10-2005, 10:19 AM
Mount Kilimanjaro is a Pi'Ka Pika word which translates as "You will eat well if you kill a man and take his giro."
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-10-2005, 10:20 AM
Pi'Ka Pika is a suburb of Liverpool.
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-10-2005, 10:22 AM
4th year geography teacher, Milden Hall, is chuffed off with RAF pilots keep landing fighter jets on him.
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-10-2005, 10:23 AM
James Melodys' fingers are worn down to little stubs.
1534
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-10-2005, 10:24 AM
Luckily, J_E never gets any grief on this thread when he's not around.
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-10-2005, 10:32 AM
My local Curry House recently changed hands in a tightrope walking competition won by four cats.
The food's improved since they took over but small indian children are mysteriously disappearing in the neighbourhood.
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-10-2005, 10:33 AM
The only person allowed to post on page 90 is me.
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-10-2005, 10:33 AM
Mik59 is me.
James Melody
29-10-2005, 11:44 AM
The hottest curry available in Brighton is the korma. Locals refer to it as "the spicy one"
James Melody
29-10-2005, 11:46 AM
Jose Mourinho's eldest son attends a school for children with learning disabilities in Hammersmith.
When he arrived at Chelsea he told his PA that his son was a "special one" and to find the best school for him.
Jose's son actually has an IQ of 172 and is currently very frustrated
Smurph
29-10-2005, 11:50 AM
James Melody was voted Pipe Smoker of the year when just 8 years of age.
Jalfrezi_Enema
29-10-2005, 02:32 PM
James Melody and Smurph are both me.
There are now four of me in the universe. Anyone who knows me is just delighted.
mik59
30-10-2005, 09:36 AM
Originally posted by Jalfrezi_Enema
Mik59 is me. If only...
JE lost 3 stone while in jail in Peru (that's another story) while refusing all food because the use of chili sauce and similar hot spices is outlawed there in the belief that they "have aphrodisiac qualities" and "arouse sexual desires."
mik59
30-10-2005, 05:09 PM
In Diddly, Georgia (US), one of the oldest jokes in the world falls flat because it's illegal there for a chicken to cross the road.
mik59
30-10-2005, 05:13 PM
Palace Monkey can never return to California having escaped justice after innocently falling foul of the law that prohibits eating oranges while in the bath.
Maidstoned Eagle
30-10-2005, 05:15 PM
Shock in Buenos Aries today when it emerges that Argentina didn't, infact, cry for Evita.
RickyB
30-10-2005, 06:11 PM
The first man on the moon wasn't in-fact Neil Armstrong or even Buzz Aldrin. It was in fact Sir William Norton in 1545. He was testing his new extra powerful barrage caterpult when it released him through the armosphere, remarkably, all the way to the moon - albeit just his skeleton. All his flesh was burnt off whilst exiting the Earth's atmosphere.
leonard1style
30-10-2005, 07:18 PM
Jews don't believe in gravity
Jalfrezi_Enema
31-10-2005, 07:33 AM
When I was young I wanted to grow up to be a dinosaur. Now that I've matured ( :eek: ) I've decided to pass up a career in particle physics in favour of being the Dalai Lama.
Cushty.
Oddjob
31-10-2005, 08:38 AM
I'm in the running for the 2005 Rear Of The Year
Micky Droy
31-10-2005, 08:49 AM
No naked man has ever taken a picture of a clothed woman with her knowledge.
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