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sydney eagle 04-10-2003 03:52 PM

Ok,I haven't wanted to post this on the BBS BUT I'm not really sure what else to do at the moment.This is not a "I'm pissed so I'll say all types of shit" thread & this is embarrasing enough to admit but I suffer from depression & pretty badly despite my hiding it. I have been able to control it without "outside" help for a LONG time now but it's getting too much.

I used to be a really laid back person but over the last few years I have had 3 major operations,lost most of my friends(of ten years or more),my engagement broke down and the girl I was engaged to can't stand me,I've had a 4 year court battle for workers compensation which has no sign of ending...the list goes on and on...

People who know me and people who I met on the BBS probably saw a well hidden side of me as I cover it well but I really think I've been pushed over the line now,I don't think I can deal with this anymore...I don't feel like trying anymore,I just don't feel anything anymore...I could just care less. I have done everything from taking medication for it to seeing a psychologist but it just gets worse

I'm sorry for involving the BBS in this now but I dont know what else to do but rant on here...I'm not after anything from the BBS,I just have reached boiling point and needed to have my "rant"
I apologise again

Paul (sydney eagle)

ammiller 04-10-2003 03:57 PM

You don´t need to apologise to anyone.
Other than that, I really don´t know what to say to you.
I hope things get better for you.

Raf 04-10-2003 04:31 PM

I don't know if you're after advice, but I think the most important thing for you to remember is that you can get over this.
Depression is seldom talked about, but - as I'm sure you know - it is in fact very common. Because it's so little talked about, you're probably experiencing a lot of emotions and feelings that you've become used to, but can't really understand.
But a lot of people suffer from depression, and a lot of people come out the other side. What you need to do is get some treatment for it, just as you would with any other illness. If the treatment you've sought so far has not worked for you, then try something else. Perhaps some of the less conventional treatments, such as hypnotherapy, could help you.
One of the key symptoms of depression is a lack of motivation - and this can often prevent you from really looking for help. But don't let this hold you back. All the best - you'll soon be through it.

Al From Bromley 04-10-2003 04:42 PM

(Monty, posting under Al's login)

Sydney Eagle - I am really sorry to hear how you are feeling, but I know only too well what you are going through. I was unfortunate enough to suffer clinical depression 3 years ago and it took me a long time to get through it but I did. Its an awful thing to admit, particularly to friends and family who think they know the person you are, but for me it was all a front for such a long time. I used to hide all the hurt in drink :(

Some BBSers know the story of what I went through, but after a really horrible time, I was referred to a psychiatrist who was absolutely awful and told me I was suffering from the 7 year itch! How ••••••• patronising.

I was fortunate enough to have an excellent GP who referred me on to a private Psychologist who specialises in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and without being too dramatic, I believe she saved my life.

I saw her for around 3 months, whilst taking anti depressants and I came out the other side a much stronger, calmer person.

Its not nice taking pills, I never take a headache pill, but I figured this was too serious a problem not to take a specialists advice. The pills worked. They calmed be down, and allowed my mind and body to recover.

If you would like to talk to me about it I would be more than happy to chat to you - just PM Al.

But you WILL get through it. You have made the biggest step by admitting you have depression. The next hurdle is to get the right kind of help and possibly medication.

cabbie 04-10-2003 04:45 PM

People don't understand what depression is unless you've actually had it.Iwas listening to a radio show the other day and the presenter was mistaking monday morning blues or feeling a bit down with depression,this is total bollocks.I know what it's like i've been there.I can't tell you how to get over it but it take's time.GOOD LUCK AND I WISH YOU WELL.

Al From Bromley 04-10-2003 04:49 PM

Exactly! Having been through it I get really annoyed when people sigh and say 'I feel really depressed' - err, no, you are fed up, there is a vast difference. Once you have experienced depression, you are much more careful with the way you express how you feel when you are feeling 'down'.

I think people are afraid of depression. They think you are mental, but its usually a chemical imbalance in the brain which needs rectifying. That's why I advocate anti-depressants, even though I deplore taking medication - not for life obviously, but for the period needed to overcome the depression. And contrary to popular belief, they are not addictive, well the ones I took weren't.

dannyturner 04-10-2003 04:57 PM

You are definitely not alone, and people who don't understand will brand you as mental. I have been suffering from clinical depression for about 6 months and still have good and bad days. See your GP, anti-depressants might help. Personally I found them to make my behaviour even more inconsistent. I feel that I am over the worst of it, and just take medication as and when I need it now. I also feel that by not renewing my season ticket this season and not watching Palace live has helped, as I don't find myself on a massive downer most Saturdays. I can accept that it is just football. Speaking from experience, professional help is the only answer. It's a long road but you can make it.

westsussexeagle 04-10-2003 05:13 PM


Originally posted by Al From Bromley
(Monty, posting under Al's login)

But you WILL get through it. You have made the biggest step by admitting you have depression. The next hurdle is to get the right kind of help and possibly medication.

I think these three sentences are crucial. Firstly you have to want to get through it and by simply posting your problems on here it's obvious that you do.

You've also admitted that you're depressed. I suffered with depression for about 10 years and it wasn't until about the third that I actually accepted that the frequent panic attacks, the intermittent feelings of dread so bad that I couldn't go out yet didn't want to stay in, etc. etc. were not the result of anything else. There is and probably always will be a stigma about any form of mental illness so I convinced myself it was work and my relationship (and as a result I very nearly blew that).

The most important thing though is getting the RIGHT help. You must get help - forget the idea that you can sort it out yourself - like you could for instance sort out a broken leg! I had the misfortune to have a very unsympathetic GP at the time - I was about 35 and had rarely been to the Doctors so I wouldn't have known a decent one if she had hit me. I got sent to a Stress Clinic (presumably to get more stress), and given Beta Blockers for Christsakes. I suffered for about 5 more years close to the edge on many occasions before I moved and got a new GP who was sympathetic and put me on Anti-Depressants. They took time but eventually they worked and now I rarely if ever go back to them.

But whatever you do don't give up - that big black cloud that's probably hanging over you right now will go away.

henryhallandhisbasque 04-10-2003 05:47 PM

It will get better.

I suffered from depression for about four years from 1998 to 2002. I found this board a comfort as I was stuck at home alone, but I didn't really use it properly and had about five IDs I ran concurrently. Why, well maybe I was more ill than I let on?

Last year my wife told me she wanted a divorce and was going to leave me, jobless in a house I couldn't afford to live in on my own.

Well, a year or so on, I am now in full-time work, have actually been offered a mortgage on a place of my own, and I have met a nice girl from Scotland (yes there are some) and we plan to get married.

I lost my job over depression and my marriage ultimately ended as a result of the fact I couldn't work or even go out to the shops. Funnily enough, the catalyst was my ex dumping me. It did more than anti-depressants could ever do. At first, I contemplated suicide, but instead I enrolled at a place which helped people out of the work place through illness to get work. Getting work and in turn, my self-respect back, gave me renewed self confidence. I was even able to fly to the Highlands to meet my new partner, whereas six months before, I couldn't even go into a shop on my own.

Now I feel a damn sight better and only have one BBS ID! So things do improve.

Gosling 04-10-2003 07:02 PM

I suffered from depression for many years, Paul. A major moment for me was when I realised that events in my life had altered my brain chemistry (this happens with every thought that passes across ones mind, after all). I realised that it wasn't my fault and I wasn't a bad person. The problem was not with my mind, it was with my brain. I had a medical condition, which could easily hve been fatal. Fortunately, there are medicines out there to help sufferers from this terrible, life destroying disease. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Good luck.

Thanet Eagle 04-10-2003 07:15 PM

Sorry to here about your problems Sydney Eagle.Worse thing to do is bottle your feelings up inside yourself.Guess it is a cliche but it really is good to talk.This in itself can be tough as sometimes you do not want to burden other people with your problems.It is cause for concern that so many young males seem to suffer from depression and is really quite worrying.Maybe we find it hard to express ourselves emotionally in front of friends and family,that certainly applies to myself.I am sure things will improve with the right help and treatment.Good luck.

Mat ov CPFC 04-10-2003 07:20 PM

Pull your socks up, you big tart :)

No, seriously I hope it works out for the best.

Strathclyde Eagle 04-10-2003 07:21 PM

Nothing really to add, but as you're one of the nicest guys on the BBS I'd like to wish you all the best. We're all rooting for you. :)

Captain Black 04-10-2003 09:02 PM

Good to see so much sense being talked here. I've been there too and the hardest bit was seeking help and understanding what was happening to me. I took a year off sick and lost a lot of friends- friends that weren't worth having. Some good people did stick by me and helped me through it to become a much better balanced person. It seems that there are plenty like that on here.

Good luck sydney eagle.

Kirby 05-10-2003 12:46 AM

Yeah I've got this.

Can't be arsed to get a job, can't be arsed to walk 20 yards, can't really be arsed to do anything. Feel bad about lots of stuff. Constantly thinking and thinking about negative things.

Happy days :rolleyes:

BVB Bob 05-10-2003 01:13 AM


Originally posted by Kirby
Yeah I've got this.

Can't be arsed to get a job, can't be arsed to walk 20 yards, can't really be arsed to do anything. Feel bad about lots of stuff. Constantly thinking and thinking about negative things.

Happy days :rolleyes:

Not being arsey Kirby, but you've so not hit the nail on the head. My other half has suffered from depression for 15 years now. She's the most important thing in the world to me but it doesn't half tax the brain cells sometime. Having only ever been fed up & not depressed I can only try to understand. Keep plugging away at the struggle Paul, we're all with you.

sydney eagle 05-10-2003 01:54 AM

I have a brilliant GP but like Monty,the Psychologist I saw was extremely patronising and I left feeling even worse than I had before I saw her.I also don't/can't "open up" to people in person so I doubt very much I showed what I really think and is probably why I have posted this thread as it's not a thing where I have to discuss it directly,in any case it was a terrible experience(Psychologist) and since it took me 12-18 months to even confide in my doctor(who I respect a lot) there is no way I want to put myself through it again.

I have taken two different "drugs",the first lot may as well of been tic tacs as they did nothing at all,the second lot made me much much worse and much like dannyturner, my behaviour became even more inconsistant.Something that really makes me unhappy about keeping it to myself is people think I'm just being a complete arsehole or I'm anti-social but it's not that at all but I can't show them that unless I tell them,which I don't want to do.Catch 22

This quote is exactly what I'm like:

Originally posted by westsussexeagle
the intermittent feelings of dread so bad that I couldn't go out yet didn't want to stay in, etc. etc.
Since I was a kid I have had two real passions...footie(and Palace in particular of course) and music,I now have my own music store but I have lost all that passion i've always had for both footie and music,I can't get up in the morning where as I used to be up at dawn no problem,I don't feel like going to work and dealing with customers/dealers/reps anymore and I have been slackening off a bit which is unfair on my staff(who are really good luckily). I also don't really feel like going out on the weekends and stuff anymore either,I just am content to sit at home,which has never been like me.

At the end of the day,I can put up with the remarks people make who know nothing about this as it's just naive and not really malicious but my real problem is if I have told anyone about all of this and they still continue to talk down to me which happened BTW

Kirby 05-10-2003 02:22 AM


Originally posted by BVB Bob
Not being arsey Kirby, but you've so not hit the nail on the head.

Al From Bromley 05-10-2003 02:30 AM


Wow, it really is true - there are more people suffering in silence than you think.

Sydney - sorry to hear about your experience with the Psychologist, but try and find one that specialises in CBT, its amazing what they can unlock. And the one I saw, it didn't even feel like she was analysing me, we were just chatting. And then at one session she unlocked something and it hit me like a brick wall, I went cold and I said to her 'that is where all my problems start from', it was awesome and from that day on I could move forward.

The medication I was on was called 'Dothiepin' and whilst it gave me an amazingly dry mouth, so that I had to drink gallons of water each day, it really didn't give me many other side effects. Unfortunately with anti depressants its trial and error.

The one thing I used to want was for someone to say 'On such and such a date, you will wake up and feel better' but no-one could do that and that was so hard. I wanted to reach into my head and scoop all the mush out that was making it so hard to think straight, I felt like someone had taken a food mixer to my brain, it was horrendous.

markholmes1991 05-10-2003 02:38 AM


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