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  #5121  
Old 09-10-2017, 12:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Heb 7:4 View Post
I think as a country we're a bit shit at thinking we need to talk at all (and men generally even shitter still).
I don't think it is unique to The UK... contrary to belief, it is also true here in The US.
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  #5122  
Old 09-10-2017, 05:20 AM
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Originally Posted by exiledeagle View Post
Not sure if I have depression or not . Lost my Father last year after many years struggling with Dementia and Cancer ( along with other ailments ) So sad to see him suffer in that way . People say have faith he is at peace and I will see him in the next life . Want to believe but how could any being let a good man suffer this way . Like many have said , I get through each day thinking what really is the point ?
Sorry to hear that exiled. Cliche time; but found in my experience that time is the best healer. Went through a similar experience with my dad; had Alzheimer's and basically died in slow motion over 7 years. Horrendous. When he finally did go I was surprised how much it affected me as I thought I had so long to prepare for it, it wouldn't impact so much...but it did. Lost my way a little after that with similar feelings of despair and despondency. Think they call it situational depression. But the cloud lifted after a bit...until the next cruel fecking living nightmare came crashing into someone else you love and you have to go through it all again .

Sorry...but life ain't half a bastard. If God does exist and I get to meet him on the otherside...I'm going to smash the big beardy twat right in the face.
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  #5123  
Old 09-10-2017, 09:17 PM
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The worst thing is that you know it is utterly irrational but you mind cant process that. It sucks every element of joy and confidence out of your life completely, just leaving you an empty shell. Where does that leave you in the world of work or study when you are throwing away crucial months of your development. And then cause it all again upon recovery through the stress of playing catch up.

Adult person, just wanting to cry. Admonishing yourself as some worthless low life, exaggerating every perceived character flaw and concluding that you are one of the worst people to ever inhabit the planet.

Truly staggering what the mental process does.
Pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment. Most of the time I feel so empty, so worthless and devoid of self-belief, self-worth, self-confidence. Then there are times where it just comes to the surface and explodes in my mind and I struggle to control it. I'm just passing time.

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Originally Posted by leps View Post
Woosie,

I rarely post on here, but I've read posts on the site most days and I've listened to the podcasts for many years, including the holmesdale radio ones you used to be on. We've never met, I don't know you personally, but I feel like I know just a little bit about you.

You seem to have a real passion for Palace. You also have a passion for the work the academy does - so much so that you write very persuasive articles about it. You care about what happens.

I can't presume to tell you what you should do to feel better. But I do want to encourage you to stay hopeful and to live as actively as you can. Try to do stuff that you like as much as possible so that you spend less time worrying about stuff. There will still be bad days, but you need to push through those to get to the good days, and appreciate when those days come and savour every moment.

I really hope you feel better and stay better. Good luck.
My writing is literally the only thing I have confidence in myself for. Even that I struggle. I wrote an intro to a match report and said actually forget about it that's shit, then got a reply later saying it was really good and I should try to stop doubting myself because I'm good at what I do. Given I write reports for the majority of Palace games I can rationalise that I'm good, and I'm good at getting information from people, building relationships with them etc. But I just feel like it's so worthless sometimes - for no apparent reason.

My main issue is my low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, self-confidence.

I feel a lot as though I'm on my own and nobody really gets the individual things. I guess a lot of people feel similar things but whenever I do anything I'm reminded of something that makes me feel inadequate in some way.

I'm on medication, I'm supposed to be getting CBT but haven't heard about that for months.

It's not even the depressive episodes that are the worst, it's the day to day loneliness. I feel so isolated. I feel like I'm wasting away. I feel, I feel, I feel.
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  #5124  
Old 09-10-2017, 09:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Woosie View Post
Pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment. Most of the time I feel so empty, so worthless and devoid of self-belief, self-worth, self-confidence. Then there are times where it just comes to the surface and explodes in my mind and I struggle to control it. I'm just passing time.



My writing is literally the only thing I have confidence in myself for. Even that I struggle. I wrote an intro to a match report and said actually forget about it that's shit, then got a reply later saying it was really good and I should try to stop doubting myself because I'm good at what I do. Given I write reports for the majority of Palace games I can rationalise that I'm good, and I'm good at getting information from people, building relationships with them etc. But I just feel like it's so worthless sometimes - for no apparent reason.

My main issue is my low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, self-confidence.

I feel a lot as though I'm on my own and nobody really gets the individual things. I guess a lot of people feel similar things but whenever I do anything I'm reminded of something that makes me feel inadequate in some way.

I'm on medication, I'm supposed to be getting CBT but haven't heard about that for months.

It's not even the depressive episodes that are the worst, it's the day to day loneliness. I feel so isolated. I feel like I'm wasting away. I feel, I feel, I feel.
Really concerned about you now.Your post seems a desperate cry for help.This is how I felt when this bloody thing struck me down years ago.Are you having dark thoughts and thinking of harming yourself?If so it might be worth a spell in hospital to keep yourself safe and see what can be done.
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  #5125  
Old 09-10-2017, 09:38 PM
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I've been a lot worse before, I have thoughts but no intention to act on them. In a perverse way the thoughts help me. I have a lot of different coping mechanisms that I've built up over time. That I just do instinctively now when I'm really down. Need to see my doctor again soon anyway.
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Last edited by Woosie; 09-10-2017 at 09:44 PM.
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  #5126  
Old 09-10-2017, 09:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Woosie View Post
I've been a lot worse before, I have thoughts but no intention to act on them. I have a lot of different coping mechanisms that I've built up over time. That I just do instinctively now when I'm really down. Need to see my doctor again soon anyway.
Be pro-active and call him tomorrow please.There is a way out of this you know.It never really goes away but things can be much better.Try and hold on to that thought.Good luck fella.....
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  #5127  
Old 09-10-2017, 10:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Se9 eagles View Post
Just out of interest,what do you do for a living out there?Hope that's not too personal but I'm sure I'm not the only person whose interested.
The usual, teaching English in a Poly, and a few in company classes. I came with a bit of property sale money - that certainly helped. Although, that should be the case at 40 years old.

But younger people can certainly give it a go - not just in Latin America, but Asia and parts of Africa, too. You probably need to take a TEFL or even better a CELTA first though. That will probably cost upwards of a grand. You can do both in Chile when you get here - so worth the sacrifice and saving 3 or 4 grand before you come for training, flights and your first two months living expenses. You can get sponsorship from places like the British Council - so look at that in Blighty first.
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  #5128  
Old 10-10-2017, 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by PeterH View Post
The usual, teaching English in a Poly, and a few in company classes. I came with a bit of property sale money - that certainly helped. Although, that should be the case at 40 years old.

But younger people can certainly give it a go - not just in Latin America, but Asia and parts of Africa, too. You probably need to take a TEFL or even better a CELTA first though. That will probably cost upwards of a grand. You can do both in Chile when you get here - so worth the sacrifice and saving 3 or 4 grand before you come for training, flights and your first two months living expenses. You can get sponsorship from places like the British Council - so look at that in Blighty first.
If I left my wife here what are the girls like?
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  #5129  
Old 10-10-2017, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by PeterH View Post
The usual, teaching English in a Poly, and a few in company classes. I came with a bit of property sale money - that certainly helped. Although, that should be the case at 40 years old.

But younger people can certainly give it a go - not just in Latin America, but Asia and parts of Africa, too. You probably need to take a TEFL or even better a CELTA first though. That will probably cost upwards of a grand. You can do both in Chile when you get here - so worth the sacrifice and saving 3 or 4 grand before you come for training, flights and your first two months living expenses. You can get sponsorship from places like the British Council - so look at that in Blighty first.
How long is the course in Chile to complete?
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  #5130  
Old 10-10-2017, 06:48 PM
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I feel for you Woosie, I really do mate.

My best mate died at 16, and felt empty and alone. His other best friend, I didn't always see eye to eye with and made everyone who was close to my friend that died, basically turn against me, as I didn't or just couldn't cry at his funeral. Then gradually over the year at sixth form, things got better, and left for Sussex Uni in 1990.

Life was never better, had many friends, life was good, was well on for a First and was planning for a PhD, even Palace finished thired FFS! Then within 48 hours was struck down with depression and anxiety in 1992. That's what I remember so clearly about it. It was so quick!

I developed constant thoughts of hurting people especially with sharp objects, especially woman, babies, you name it. I kept it all quiet finished my degree and came home. But it carried on and for the life of me didn't know what was happening.

Then slowly in late 1994 I began to feel better, the thoughts were less intensive and gross, and even though it was occasionally there, I felt normal again and happy. Then in late 1997, it happened all over again.

I kept it quiet for another year, but by the start of 1999, and constant suicidal thoughts I swallowed my pride and sought help (as I resisted for so long not to destroy my career, even though my friends stood by me - thank God).

I was diagnosed with severe OCD, which of course comes with it, severe depression and anxiety (of the more Pure-O form). I was told it is like a young mother cooking dinner, with her son which she devoted to playing with his toys on the kitchen floor, who she has a random thought, whilst cutting up the vegetables "I could stab my son with this!". Instead of just dismissing it, she dwells, on it, thinking to herself "I would never do that? How can I think such a thing?". So to calm down she has a break and watches TV and has a cup of tea. Then after her rest continues with dinner, picks up the knife, and immediately, the same thought pops into her head. "There must be something wrong with me?". Just like an honest devoted priest thinking blasphemous thoughts, or soemone as with the most common form of spreading around to disease, with germs. It is the mind playing awful tricks with you, "gets stuck", thinking of thoughts of the last thing you would ever want to do, and at the end of the day is hurting others, and (what i now now, but didn't at the time, is that you can only think towards something or an event, but not away from it)

I was put on seroxat, and tried CBT, hypnosis (3 different types), TFT, Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy (which was the only one I found useful), vitamins and minerals, The Linden Method, and apart from REBT, nothing worked. Spent £10,000 on wacky ideas, being so desperate.

However in 2001, I began to feel better again and slowly got off seroxat. But felt I was slipping, and actually tried 5-HTP and also was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and this was working...... until Xmas 2006.

I feel so low again, could even looking anyone in the eye (because of thought of stabbing a pen in it!), so went home to my parents. Stayed depressed until 2008, then decided on more therapies again. Tried new medication.

Took an SSRI, my 5th at the time called escitalopram.

Things got really bad then. I was only on it 4 weeks, and developed tardive akathesia and tardive dystonia.

I was afraid to show this but, what the heck. This is what i was like for 3 years until 2012. ONLY Alcohol would stop it, and i used alcohol to sit down to read, and try and find a cure. That is why I became so alcohol dependent overnight.

I became an alcohol-dependent patient overnight to control the symptoms. I found out that my D2 receptors had been permanently damaged. I managed to work out myself that the akathesia could be dealt with as my 5HT-2A receptors were overactive resulting in my D2 receptors not working at all. I took cyproheptadine for 3 months which is a 5HT2A and 5TH2C antagonist. So that cured my akathesia, my dystonia though was permanent. But I had to do this all on my own! No help from doctors whatsoever!

As I said, the akathesia stopped after 3 months on cyproheptadine, but my dystonia didn't. I then fought with Dorset Healthcare trust, as again, I took many different medications for it, but again nothing worked. I fought damn hard for Deep Brain Stimulation Operation, which has a 70% sucess rate for secondary dystonia. i.e. caused my medication or toxins, but not unfortunately a stoke which can also cause it. This is also a popular operation for Parkinson's and Essessional tremor, but becoming increasingly popular for depression and OCD, but with less sucessful outcomes but still 40%!

I basically said to them that either a) I will sue them and get the money that way for the operation, or b) pay for the operation and I will drop all claims. They went for option b).

Even after my DBS operation (4 years ago), they didn't set the settings up correctly, the NHS didn't do any follow up visits, and I didn't know I needed them! I thought after the op that was it.

However 2 years ago, they did do this, and now have BOTOX injections every 10 weeks and that now controls the symptoms.

Luckily now things are alot better with the dystonia now the settings have changed and the BOTOX injections (I have 18 of them lol), It is all in my face 16 around my mouth)

I feel for this guy so much and hope and pray he is OK, but it makes me cry and I can't believe I survived it all! NO - ONE should have to put up with his or my pain and continuous torture that this does to you!

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I have been now diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression.

Luckily after 25 years of down (and feeling normal again), I am seeing one of the top neurological surgeons and neuropharmacologist in the country in Bristol.

Tried so many drugs. (20 to date from SSRI, MAOI's, lamotrigine, Valopic acid, and dopamine agonists - which the only help was lamotrigine and dopamine agonists ).

So even though I am on a dopamine agonist and clonazepam, there are NO MORE DRUGS!!!.

I am being considered for either Vagus Nerve Stimulation (which on first effort has been refused, my neuropharmacologist couldn't believe it!) so they are either going to appeal or more likely now go for an Anterior Cingulotomy Operation.

This is where in the Anterior Cingulate Cortex they heat up a small tiny electrode to around 50C and fuse off the small area in the brain. Before my Deep Brain Stimulation operation, I did also under general anesthetic have a 10 hour MRI scan of my brain.They have told me an overactive abnormality in this area, which causes OCD and depression/anxiety. It has risks, but a 30% complete response success rate and another 40% good to partial response rate. 25% get no response and 3-4 % got worse. So they are very hopeful, as I have already had the MRI scan.

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I am in the best place I have been in 10 years right now anyway, but that doesn't want them to stop going ahead, because of the high risk of my depression returning. It is a treatment of the last resort (i.e. you have tried every other avenue!). No more problems with alcohol for the last two years either!

Here's hoping!!!!!!!!!!!

Last edited by Crunchie; 10-10-2017 at 06:59 PM.
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  #5131  
Old 10-10-2017, 07:30 PM
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depression

Crunchie, that's quite a story. If this cingulotomy is the way to go, let's hope it is made available to you. Where do you go in Bristol - is it Southmead?

And thoughts with Woosie too. Loneliness is a real killer but there is such a vicious cycle around low self-esteem and lack of positive relationships.
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  #5132  
Old 10-10-2017, 08:13 PM
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Crunchie, that's quite a story. If this cingulotomy is the way to go, let's hope it is made available to you. Where do you go in Bristol - is it Southmead?

And thoughts with Woosie too. Loneliness is a real killer but there is such a vicious cycle around low self-esteem and lack of positive relationships.
Yes mate. It was at Frenchay, then moved to the Southmeads Hospital.

I know I might be the exception because what I had is very rare side effects, but they are still there. As disability like depression is bad enough, wanting to end your own life, but akathesia is even worse, if that is possible. I was walking 10 miles a day, because i couldn't keep still. It was like i was crawling out of my skin. I could drink a 1/4 bottle of whisky and then sit down for 3-4 hours before it wore off. Very dangerous. Wasn't in the least bit drunk but i had so much excess odd energy. People used to say, if I had a drink, you are doing much better today!

I have even been thought to be BI-Polar IV. That is depressions caused by bi-polar with no mania. Only anti-depressant or other medication can give you mania, and I have had dysphoric mania episodes (which is not nice at all), from two medications.

The neuropharmacologist says it doesn't really matter, as the procedure would be the same as TRD anyway at this stage.

Good news is that I am in the best hands possible, and they take what i say very seriously.

Last edited by Crunchie; 10-10-2017 at 08:28 PM.
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  #5133  
Old 10-10-2017, 09:25 PM
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Good Lord crunchie, possibly the best post I have seen on this board, brilliantly written. I will spend more time reading it tomorrow when I am a bit more sober, as I like you need the booze to shut off the noise.

Go for the PhD I say, you are clearly capable. I’m doing one at the moment in tandem with my second Masters degree. I think that us depressive/anxious/manic folk are very capable when faced with a challenge, it’s just normal life and every day stuff that really messes with us.

My thoughts are with anyone suffering, best of luck to you all.
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Old 10-10-2017, 09:29 PM
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Don't usually hear AD meds causing weight gain , in my experience it's usually anti psychotics. Before you went on sertraline did you have a regular eating pattern or were you picking here and there I know it's simplistic but often when you are unwell your eating pattern is ruined
Most AD and AP cause weight gain in my experience. Prozac is the only SSRI i didn't have weight gain and topiramate is the only drug i had ever had, that made me lose weight as well as thyroid meds, which I needed.
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Old 10-10-2017, 09:39 PM
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Most AD and AP cause weight gain in my experience. Prozac is the only SSRI i didn't have weight gain and topiramate is the only drug i had ever had, that made me lose weight as well as thyroid meds, which I needed.
Cheers Crunchie , that's interesting and not on line with my experiences but we are all different which I guess is why we there are so many different AD meds out there.
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Old 10-10-2017, 10:12 PM
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Cheers Crunchie , that's interesting and not on line with my experiences but we are all different which I guess is why we there are so many different AD meds out there.
Yeah, I thought it was water retention mate, but when I came off the drug to try another one, I never lost the weight. But it was one after the other for a period of time so it is quite hard to tell which one cause the most weight. I put on 3 stone with Seroxat I know that, as that was on it's own !
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Old 10-10-2017, 10:46 PM
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If I left my wife here what are the girls like?
I dont know, I was an idiot. My wife snared me on the second night I was in Chile. And I was just traveling through. Very next day, I acquired a Danish travel companion that also wanted a piece of me. Like buses.

All I know is that 80% of gringos of both sexes seem to land a life partner within the first couple of months of landing in Chile. I had (have) some right geeky US post Uni friends that ended up marrying so far above their station that it is ridiculous.

I dont know whether that is the same in Peru, Colombia etc.. In Peru there are are a lot more indigineous that tend to stay within their own communities. Argentines are lush, but hard work, and their men are really protective. They certainly dont like gringos hitting on women in pubs and clubs and aggressively zoom in and take over. As in Argie men are arrogant, macho arseholes.
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Old 10-10-2017, 11:24 PM
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Being moved at work to where I don`t want to be into a managers job that I don`t want has kicked me down again.Stress symptoms making me ill again.Back on Citralopram and some sort of beta blocker.Just fell apart tonight and cried and cried.At 55 years of age you would have thought life should be getting easier
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Old 11-10-2017, 12:17 PM
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Being moved at work to where I don`t want to be into a managers job that I don`t want has kicked me down again.Stress symptoms making me ill again.Back on Citralopram and some sort of beta blocker.Just fell apart tonight and cried and cried.At 55 years of age you would have thought life should be getting easier
Sorry to hear that MM Is there any specialist you can see rather than just a prescription from a GP? I am not against medication, just prefer being prescribed medication from someone as a stress/anxiety counselor or psychotherapist who is better trained in these situations, particularly if it has happened before?
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Old 11-10-2017, 12:31 PM
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Being moved at work to where I don`t want to be into a managers job that I don`t want has kicked me down again.Stress symptoms making me ill again.Back on Citralopram and some sort of beta blocker.Just fell apart tonight and cried and cried.At 55 years of age you would have thought life should be getting easier
I can relate to this and know how debilitating it can be. I actively had to leave a team leaders role many years ago as it triggered my anxiety and destroyed me. I felt people were subconsciously watching me which would then bring me out in a sweat which in turn would cause a different anxiety. Back then I drank excessively post work as it was such a relief that i'd made it through another day, and the build up to 5.30pm sometimes became too much. In hindsight I realise it wasn't the brightest idea but it was also coping mechanisms. Looking back I can now actively see alcohol contributed in my anxiety and I only drink in moderation these days and don't drink at all during the week. Hope things improve for you.
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