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  #1  
Old 18-10-2001, 07:49 PM
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Jokes

A man walks in to a bar with a giraffe and orders 2 pints of lager. They both drink their pints and the giraffe collapses. the man then goes to leave and the barman says "OI you can't leave that lying there" the man says "it's not a lion its a giraffe"


A man is in a bar looking depressed and the bar man asked if he was ok the man replied "not really i just lost my wife" "oh i'm sorry" said the bar man, the man said "i am never playing poker again"


What animal would you be on a freezing cold day? a little otter










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Old 18-10-2001, 08:01 PM
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Wrong thread.....

Poor jokes too!!
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Old 18-10-2001, 08:07 PM
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Leave it out them jokes are funnier than Charlton
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Old 19-10-2001, 02:42 PM
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What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot
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Old 19-10-2001, 02:45 PM
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AddiscombeEagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietAddiscombeEagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietAddiscombeEagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietAddiscombeEagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietAddiscombeEagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietAddiscombeEagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietAddiscombeEagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietAddiscombeEagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietAddiscombeEagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietAddiscombeEagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietAddiscombeEagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
You are a funny man, they are proper rubbish, but make me laugh. My kind of Jokes.
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Old 19-10-2001, 03:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by AddiscombeEagle
You are a funny man, they are proper rubbish, but make me laugh. My kind of Jokes.
Thank you. Its nice to feel wanted. This one is for you


There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ******* deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my, pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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Old 19-10-2001, 03:11 PM
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Am I the only one posting jokes.

I know all of you think they are s**t but you all know you will have a field day down the boozer


> > An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. > > > > While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the > > aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. > > He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. > > Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, > > and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he > > crawled downstairs. > > > > With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the > > kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself > > already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen > > table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. > > > > Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted > > Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy > > man? > > > > Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, > > landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the > > wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly >bringing > > him back to life. > > > > The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge >of > > the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...... > > > > "F*ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
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Old 19-10-2001, 03:13 PM
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Have a look in the jokes forum!! Teaser is always posting funnies in there!!
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Old 19-10-2001, 03:41 PM
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An english man and an irish man were watching a John Wayne film when the english man said i bet you a tenner that when john wayne walks out that saloon he hits his head on the sign. Paddy said your on. sure enough when john wayne walks out he hit his head on the sign Paddy goes to give the english man his tenner and he said "i can't except that i have seen the film before" Paddy replied "so have i but i didn't think he would do it again
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Old 19-10-2001, 04:07 PM
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An english man irish man and a jock walk in to a pub the bar man said "whats this a joke"
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Old 19-10-2001, 05:37 PM
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Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when paddy falls down a hole. Murphy Says "Paddy, is it dark down there?". Paddy replies "I don't know, I can't see anything".
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Old 19-10-2001, 05:38 PM
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Thank You
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Old 19-10-2001, 05:41 PM
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Jokes!!!

Did you here about the Irishman raking leafs?
He fell out of the tree!

Did you here about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
He burnt his lips on the exhaust!

How do you burn an irishmans ear?
Phone him up whilst his ironing his curtains!

How do you kill an irishman?
Push him out the windows whilst his ironing his curtains!
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Old 19-10-2001, 05:42 PM
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A little boy arrives late for school and his teacher said "why are you late?" the boy replied "i had a dream about football" "what has that got to do with you being late?" "it went in to extra time miss"
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Old 19-10-2001, 05:59 PM
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Did you hear about the irish man who bought a pair of water ski's? he spent the rest of his life looking for a slanted lake
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Old 19-10-2001, 06:02 PM
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OI!!!!! I think you stole my thread
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Old 19-10-2001, 06:08 PM
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A polar bear walks in to a bar with and says " A pint of lager please..............................and a packet of crisps"
The barman asks "Why the big paws ?"
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Old 19-10-2001, 07:02 PM
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A man walking down the street looks over the road and sees a man who has an orange for a head. He walks over and says "sorry for being nosey but i couldn't help noticing that you have an orange for a head" the other man said "well i found a lamp and rubbed it and a genie popped out and granted me one wish" in anticipation the man said "WHAT DID YOU WISH FOR?" I wished i had an orange for a head
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Old 19-10-2001, 07:13 PM
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An OAP moves in to a home and on his first day a old lady approaches him and said "do you want to come to my room tonight and watch a film?" he replied "sorry it is my first night and i am playing chess with the lads tonight" "what if i held your dick through the whole film?" the man thinks f**k the lads and said "i will be there at 8" so he goes to the ladies room and watches the film whilst she held his dick. this goes on every night for a couple of months when one night the lady said "sorry i will have to give our get togethers a miss for a week as i am going to stay with my family but we can carry it on when i get back". 1 week later the old lady comes back and said "so are you up for it tonight" "sorry" replied the man "i have met someone else called Mrs Smith" "what has she got what i haven't?" asked the lady, "Parkinsons desease" replied the man
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Old 19-10-2001, 08:19 PM
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No chance mate, your only jelous because mines better.
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