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  #261  
Old 12-04-2017, 06:51 PM
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OLD BASING EAGLE came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOLD BASING EAGLE came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOLD BASING EAGLE came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOLD BASING EAGLE came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOLD BASING EAGLE came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOLD BASING EAGLE came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOLD BASING EAGLE came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOLD BASING EAGLE came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOLD BASING EAGLE came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOLD BASING EAGLE came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOLD BASING EAGLE came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
I was in the pub last night and this girl rolled her eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back.
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  #262  
Old 12-04-2017, 07:13 PM
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Paddy and Mick were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you 10 he’ll jump,” said Paddy. “Bet you 10 he won’t,” said Mick.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. Mick hands Paddy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said Paddy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said Mick guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
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  #263  
Old 10-05-2017, 11:36 AM
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rhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
There is a new alcoholic vaginal gel that women can rub on their flaps, so when the bloke goes down he can have a bevy as well.

However the government has banned it, amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking.
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  #264  
Old 10-05-2017, 11:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rhiannapaul View Post
There is a new alcoholic vaginal gel that women can rub on their flaps, so when the bloke goes down he can have a bevy as well.

However the government has banned it, amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking.
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  #265  
Old 10-05-2017, 12:09 PM
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CPFC Gangster : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineCPFC Gangster : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineCPFC Gangster : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineCPFC Gangster : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineCPFC Gangster : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineCPFC Gangster : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineCPFC Gangster : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineCPFC Gangster : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineCPFC Gangster : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineCPFC Gangster : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineCPFC Gangster : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
I was attacked by a power drill recently, I was just standing there minding my own business then... BOSCH it hit me
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  #266  
Old 10-05-2017, 04:32 PM
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A Muslim farmer in Carmarthen has been charged with interfering with a sheep. His defence was that he could do what he wanted with it as it was 'is lamb.
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  #267  
Old 10-05-2017, 06:43 PM
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BB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
A guy's doing a PhD in sheep shagging. He goes off touring Britain finding out how people do it in different areas. First he goes up to Aberdeen. He goes into a pub, buys a drink, and asks the barman where he can find the sheep shaggers. The barman points to the darkest, dingiest corner of the pub.

So he goes over to this corner and gets talking to the guys there. Once there he says:

* Actually I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging, so could you tell me, how do you do it around here?
* Well we put on wellies, go into a field, and we grab a sheep. Then we shove its hind legs down into the wellies so it can't get away, and shag it.

Next he goes down to Cumbria and goes into a pub in Keswick. He asks the barman where the local sheep shaggers hang out, and he points to the darkest, dingiest corner. So he goes over to the corner, and asks the guys:

* Excuse me but I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging, so would you mind telling me, how do you do it around here?
* Well we put on wellies and go out into a field looking for sheep. When we find a sheep we shove its hind legs down into the wellies, then shag it.

He then decides to see what they do in Wales, so he takes a trip to Aberystwyth. There he finds a dodgy looking pub, and asks the barman where he can find the local sheep shaggers. Once again, the barman points to the darkest, dingiest corner of the pub. So he goes over and asks:

* Excuse me, I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging. Could you tell me how you do it in this area?
* Well, bach, we go out into a field looking for sheep. When we find one we grab it around the waist, hold it as tight as possible so it won't get away, and shag it.
* But, why don't you just shove its hind legs down inside your wellies? Wouldn't that be easier?
* How can you kiss them that way?
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  #268  
Old 12-05-2017, 06:56 PM
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What's a Brighton fans' favourite fizzy drink ?


Choke-a-cola
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  #269  
Old 12-05-2017, 07:03 PM
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A little girl loses her mum in Asda and is sobbing her heart out. A security guard asks the little girl 'what's your mum like?'
'Big cocks and vodka' replies the little girl.

Last edited by Coastal Palace; 12-05-2017 at 07:06 PM.
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  #270  
Old 12-05-2017, 11:46 PM
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Quasimodo went to his doctor.
' How can I help you,' asked the doctor.
' I just don't feel right,' replied Quasimodo
' OK,can you take off all your clothes and we'll try to find out what's wrong. ' said the doctor.
Quasimodo took off ten vests,eight shirts and fourteen jumpers.
' When was the last time you took off all your clothes? ' asked the doctor.
' When I was at school, ' replied Quasimodo.
' Did you never wonder what happened to your school bag,' replied the doctor!!..
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  #271  
Old 12-05-2017, 11:55 PM
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My girlfriend told me she'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
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  #272  
Old 13-05-2017, 09:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OLD BASING EAGLE View Post
I was in the pub last night and this girl rolled her eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back.
Blimey, that's an old Roy Jay one .....he'd follow up with something like "This tall woman walked past my office window, I knew she was tall as I was on the third floor! She put a cigarette in her mouth and asked 'Do you have a light Mack?' and I replied 'No, I have a dark brown trench coat!' Spook! Slither Hither!"
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  #273  
Old 24-05-2017, 01:11 PM
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BB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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  #274  
Old 02-06-2017, 09:02 PM
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BB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’
‘Ah, sire, just observe,’ said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said the grateful monarch. ‘Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.’
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
‘Sir Galahad,’ exclaimed King Arthur. ‘My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless
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  #275  
Old 30-06-2017, 12:03 PM
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Just remembering how my dad brought me up single handed...
It's not easy being the son of a pirate...


If you're here for the yodelling lesson please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue...

How do Mexicans keep warm?
They use Chicken for Heaters...
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Last edited by waddoneagle; 30-06-2017 at 12:06 PM.
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  #276  
Old 21-07-2017, 07:35 PM
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rhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
I told my girlfriend that she had drawn her eyebrows too high on her forehead.

She looked surprised.
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  #277  
Old 22-07-2017, 05:29 PM
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rhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
As I left the pub last night I saw two thugs beating the crap out of my mate.

"Don't just stand there!" He yelled. "Knock one out!"

I still don't see how me having a wank helped him....
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  #278  
Old 22-07-2017, 05:39 PM
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rhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Oral B: The sluttier, lesser known member of The Spice Girls.
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  #279  
Old 22-07-2017, 08:06 PM
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Someone asked me if i had heard about a film called Constipation.
I said no, and they replied: "That's because it hasn't come out yet."
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  #280  
Old 23-07-2017, 03:17 PM
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Two 70 year old men,
Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike - - Mike."

"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?”

“Mike - - it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,"insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some
really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too,and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team this Saturday"
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