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  #141  
Old 26-06-2015, 09:32 PM
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glenn.f came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietglenn.f came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietglenn.f came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietglenn.f came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietglenn.f came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietglenn.f came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietglenn.f came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietglenn.f came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietglenn.f came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietglenn.f came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietglenn.f came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Quote:
Originally Posted by evvo111 View Post
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.

He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees
an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla
icecream and sits down to eat.

Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little
flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas
station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've
blown a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's
just ice cream."
Loved it....was virtually crying tears of laughter reading it out to the missus. Thank Christ she found it funny too.
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  #142  
Old 26-06-2015, 09:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by glenn.f View Post
Loved it....was virtually crying tears of laughter reading it out to the missus. Thank Christ she found it funny too.
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  #143  
Old 26-06-2015, 09:35 PM
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Tripod 10 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineTripod 10 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineTripod 10 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineTripod 10 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineTripod 10 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineTripod 10 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineTripod 10 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineTripod 10 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineTripod 10 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineTripod 10 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineTripod 10 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
A dwarf clairvoyant has gone missing.
Police are looking for a small medium at large.
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  #144  
Old 27-06-2015, 02:28 PM
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A white man got on a bus in Leicester, everyone jumped off, they thought it was a ghost.
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  #145  
Old 02-07-2015, 02:37 PM
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BB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
I asked a tart if she did Greek last night. She said yes, so I gave her one up the wrong 'un and left without paying.
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  #146  
Old 02-07-2015, 06:03 PM
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Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church.
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"A can of paint?!?" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in B n Q either."
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"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
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  #147  
Old 02-07-2015, 06:04 PM
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Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.

I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant.

Sincerely,

Your Husband

ps I'll be home before midnight.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy.

Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.

Your Wife --
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #148  
Old 02-07-2015, 06:11 PM
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One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want after all you're the guv'

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I
fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

Yep, that's right, well. Sort of right. This time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?" queries Noah.

"Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?"

"Check".

"Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to
the end of his tether.

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #149  
Old 02-07-2015, 06:18 PM
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A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this point, the executioner can take no more - his
professional pride has been hurt.

Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - "what is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies our friend...
"I'm just a bad conductor."
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #150  
Old 02-07-2015, 09:20 PM
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Dai is at the car boot sale when an American tourist comes by. Pointing to a skull on display in Dai's car, he says: “Whose skull is that?”

“That,” says Dai profoundly, “is the skull of Owain Glyndwr. It's yours for £10.”

“Incredible,” says the American. “I'll take it.”

Some weeks later, Dai is at the car boot sale when the same American walks past and notices a much smaller skull for sale.

“Whose skull it that?” asks the American.

“That,” says Dai in a practised voice, “is the skull of Owain Glyndwr.”

“Hang on,” says the American. “You sold me the skull of Owain Glyndwr a few weeks ago.”

“Aye,” says Dai. “This is when he was a boy.”
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #151  
Old 02-07-2015, 09:23 PM
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Dai was watching a Six Nations game in Cardiff.

In the packed stadium there was only one empty seat, right next to him.

“Whose is that seat?” asked a man in the row behind.

“I got the ticket for my wife,” said Dai. “But she died in an accident.”

“So you’re keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect?”

“No,” said the fan, “I offered it to all of my friends.”

“So why didn’t they take it?”

“They’ve all gone to the funeral.”
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #152  
Old 02-07-2015, 09:24 PM
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Warren Gatland and Stuart Lancaster are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Lancaster is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill. He listened closer and could hear Bread of Heaven and Hen Wlad fy Nhadau.

He looked up to see a great palace with statues of Barry John and Gareth Edwards and a party in the garden had Brains SA flowing freely as the crowd watched Scott Gibbs scoring his try against England in 1999. Lancaster went to the Lord and said: “I don’t want to appear ungrateful - but why does Warren get the huge mansion?”

God said: “You’ve got it all wrong! That’s not Warren’s place - it’s mine.”
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #153  
Old 02-07-2015, 09:24 PM
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I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. It was a ridiculously long name.
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #154  
Old 02-07-2015, 09:25 PM
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Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.

“Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.”

So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every single bit of acrobatics in his repertoire and doing a loop at the end.

Jones says nothing. After they land, the pilot turns to Jones in disbelief.

“Mr Jones, I’ve been doing this for 20 years and no-one’s ever been able to hold back from screaming. Tell me, was there ever a point in the flight where you wanted to say something?”

“Aye,” Jones replies. “When Berwyn fell out.”
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #155  
Old 02-07-2015, 09:26 PM
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A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream. He shouted over in Welsh: “Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!”

The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.

But still the man couldn't hear him.

Finally the farmer walked right up to him and repeated his warning. To which the man replied: “Dreadfully sorry, my good man, I can't understand a word you say. Can you speak English, old chap?”

“Oh I see,” said the farmer. “I was just saying if you use both hands you can get more in.”
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #156  
Old 02-07-2015, 09:27 PM
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Three friends married women from different parts of the world. The first married a Greek girl and told her that she was to do the dishes and cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house.

The second man married a Thai girl and gave her the same orders, to do all the cleaning and cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results but by the third his house was clean and dinner was on the table.

The third man married a Welsh girl. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed and dinner ready for 6pm.

For the first two days he didn’t see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #157  
Old 02-07-2015, 09:28 PM
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On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #158  
Old 09-07-2015, 02:38 PM
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There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her habit up can run faster than man with his pants down .
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #159  
Old 09-07-2015, 02:42 PM
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evvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is here
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
__________________
"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #160  
Old 09-07-2015, 02:44 PM
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evvo111 evvo111 is offline
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evvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is here
A married couple in their 60's get visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." Said the wife and two tickets for a luxury cruise appear in her hand.

The husband say's, "Sorry love but mine is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.

Moral of the story-men who are ungrateful should remember ALL FAIRIES ARE FEMALE!
__________________
"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
Reply With Quote
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