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  #1  
Old 23-05-2018, 01:39 PM
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Tips And Stories Of Minor Criminality

No, not that sort of minor.



To kick off, tips:

Always have a high-vis jacket/vest to hand, it's the 'hidden in plain sight' principle. You can be murdering someone in the street and if anyone takes any notice it'll likely be of the 'It's about time they got that murdering done at least they didn't have to put up a temporary traffic light' type of thing. Also, if you are driving a sit on mower/little tractor illegal vehicle down the road you'll probs get away with it - if the law shows and look like they're sniffing just randomly stop and make out like you're inspecting telegraph poles.

Stories:

Many moons ago, I once got pulled for arson & theft in Beckenham - I've tended to give the place a swerve since. They'd decided I was the 'sensible one' amongst myself & my cohort (tbf he was of the north). So, having us in separate cars they decide to stop on the way back to the nick and urge me to have a discussion 'in private' with my mate whilst they're out of the car. Quite frankly I was insulted that despite being a little 'refreshed' they thought I wouldn't realise they'd leave their radio on. Whispers exchanged then a loud conversation along the lines of "This process seems highly irregular subject to challenge and disciplinary measures against the officers involved. In any case I suggest we deny everything and insist on jury trial".

And back to tips - when signing off a de-arrest form make sure you tick the box that says you didn't do it because otherwise they tend to tick boxes for you.
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Old 23-05-2018, 01:42 PM
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If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.
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Old 23-05-2018, 01:56 PM
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Where's your tool?
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Old Yesterday, 05:10 PM
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Tip: If you're a bit short follow one of those clamper people's vans around with a set of security bits and bolt cutters, there's a few quid in it. Don't forget the high-vis.
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Old Yesterday, 06:37 PM
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Also, when planning an entrepreneurial adventure get your brother or a trusted mate of similar physical characteristics to make a debit card transaction of yours in a supermarket suitably clothed up so they can pass off as you thus giving yourself a bit of an alibi whilist you display your proud entrepreneurial spirit.
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Old Yesterday, 08:12 PM
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Where's your tool?
What tool?
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Old Yesterday, 08:18 PM
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What tool?
THIS EFFING TOOL! (I won't finesse my post with the full quote)
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Old Yesterday, 08:19 PM
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Old Yesterday, 08:22 PM
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Old Yesterday, 09:46 PM
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You want some more?
Get some charcoal rubbed in to those wounds. Preferably lumpwood organic, I can drop you some off.
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Old Today, 05:32 AM
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How long did you have to wait?
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Old Today, 07:11 AM
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I got stopped by a PC outside Norwood Junction just before a game last year, as I went through the normal exit instead of going round to the side exit. I don't recall seeing any signs but I do remember a train guard shouting at me pretty much as I put my train ticket through the exit barrier. The guard continued to shout at me and as I walked away after passing through the barrier, I shouted back at him 'You can't tell me what to do, you're not the police.' At that precise moment of course, two police officers appeared

One officer talked to my two friends, whilst the larger officer tried his hardest to intimidate me and make out I was causing a public order offence. Early in the conversation, he even tried to make out that me or my friend had assaulted him, as he 'felt someone touch him'. This was quickly forgotten about when we both denied it and his colleague said that he didn't see anything. The dickhead officer continued to talk to me and everytime I asked to walk on, he told me he would arrest me for a public order offence if I did. Eventually he said he would 'let me go' if I apologised to the train guard for shouting at him. I'm a stubborn prick and as I had done nothing wrong, I refused. I kept asking if I was being detained, which the officer refused to answer. Eventually he told me to 'clear off' and I was on my way.

The guy was an absolute **** and I did consider putting in a complaint to the Met, but after reading a few scare stories online, I couldn't be bothered with the hassle.
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Old Today, 07:53 AM
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Which one of the Kray twins are you again?
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Old Today, 09:14 AM
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dogstar721 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietdogstar721 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietdogstar721 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietdogstar721 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietdogstar721 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietdogstar721 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietdogstar721 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietdogstar721 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietdogstar721 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietdogstar721 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietdogstar721 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Always have a solicitor once they read you your rights.

Never look relaxed, calm or at ease when being interrogated or dealing with the police. Only the guilty and people who spend a lot of time being arrested and interrogated feel at ease around the police.

Never take the piss out the police, try to be clever or admit to anything you cannot prove. Answers should be yes or not to the best of my knowledge etc. Only say no if you can prove it. Otherwise they're going to show you lied and that's putting you straight in the frame. Better still, don't talk without legal representation, and always confer and reply through your solicitor. Only them, and the people on the other side of the table should be used to this experience.

Ask the officer for a their numbers and right them down - If you don't have a piece of paper, ask for one from their log book and a pen / pencil. They are legally obliged to do so.

If you're guilty, then you need to be able to explain why you were 'in the area' and maybe even why your DNA is present at the crime scene. Most people make the terrible mistake of saying 'they never knew the victim or had never been to their house' this is a rookie error. If you knew the victim and have been to their house, as long as your DNA isn't in or on the body in a suspect way, there is always a good reason as to why your DNA was found at their house.

Burying a body in the UK is almost impossible to get away with, as dog walkers and animals will probably uncover it (ie you'd have to bury it very deep).

DNA is very accurate, but very subjective.

If you are guilty a reasonable doubt defence is usually your best option when it comes to trial.

Always think out a defence, so that it has to fit with evidence from the prosecution witness. Saying the other guy started it, when there are six or seven witnesses is a fools errand. Even if they admit to being drunk etc. Better to say, that you mistook the bloke you attacked for someone else (who'd wronged you or a loved one etc) because you were a bit tipsy and how it all came back to you and how sorry you are - You're still going to be guilty, but you'll mitigate the sentence.

Always, and I can't state this enough, from having worked in the court service, ALWAYS turn up to court in a suit, tie, with a nice hair cut and no stubble (a beard). Even if its a 40 quid primark suit. One thing that unifies juries, judges, magistrates is a disdain for the solemnity of the situation. Even the jury, after all they've had to take time of work, give up their time to travel, sat around for hours - If you turn up in jeans and a hoodie - they will think 'f**k him, he's guilty as f**k and wasting our time with his not guilty bullshit'.

Only people for whom court is a routine experience are casual about appearing in court, and that really shouldn't be the impression any defendant gives off. Nothing will get you sent down faster than wearing a track suit, chains and baseball cap to court. That s**t is more incriminating than semen in the anus of a corpse.
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Old Today, 09:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dogstar721 View Post
Always have a solicitor once they read you your rights.

Never look relaxed, calm or at ease when being interrogated or dealing with the police. Only the guilty and people who spend a lot of time being arrested and interrogated feel at ease around the police.

Never take the piss out the police, try to be clever or admit to anything you cannot prove. Answers should be yes or not to the best of my knowledge etc. Only say no if you can prove it. Otherwise they're going to show you lied and that's putting you straight in the frame. Better still, don't talk without legal representation, and always confer and reply through your solicitor. Only them, and the people on the other side of the table should be used to this experience.

Ask the officer for a their numbers and right them down - If you don't have a piece of paper, ask for one from their log book and a pen / pencil. They are legally obliged to do so.

If you're guilty, then you need to be able to explain why you were 'in the area' and maybe even why your DNA is present at the crime scene. Most people make the terrible mistake of saying 'they never knew the victim or had never been to their house' this is a rookie error. If you knew the victim and have been to their house, as long as your DNA isn't in or on the body in a suspect way, there is always a good reason as to why your DNA was found at their house.

Burying a body in the UK is almost impossible to get away with, as dog walkers and animals will probably uncover it (ie you'd have to bury it very deep).

DNA is very accurate, but very subjective.

If you are guilty a reasonable doubt defence is usually your best option when it comes to trial.

Always think out a defence, so that it has to fit with evidence from the prosecution witness. Saying the other guy started it, when there are six or seven witnesses is a fools errand. Even if they admit to being drunk etc. Better to say, that you mistook the bloke you attacked for someone else (who'd wronged you or a loved one etc) because you were a bit tipsy and how it all came back to you and how sorry you are - You're still going to be guilty, but you'll mitigate the sentence.

Always, and I can't state this enough, from having worked in the court service, ALWAYS turn up to court in a suit, tie, with a nice hair cut and no stubble (a beard). Even if its a 40 quid primark suit. One thing that unifies juries, judges, magistrates is a disdain for the solemnity of the situation. Even the jury, after all they've had to take time of work, give up their time to travel, sat around for hours - If you turn up in jeans and a hoodie - they will think 'f**k him, he's guilty as f**k and wasting our time with his not guilty bullshit'.

Only people for whom court is a routine experience are casual about appearing in court, and that really shouldn't be the impression any defendant gives off. Nothing will get you sent down faster than wearing a track suit, chains and baseball cap to court. That s**t is more incriminating than semen in the anus of a corpse.
That’s tremendously helpful. Many thanks.
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Old Today, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by art malice View Post
That’s tremendously helpful. Many thanks.
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Old Today, 10:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dogstar721 View Post
Always have a solicitor once they read you your rights.

Never look relaxed, calm or at ease when being interrogated or dealing with the police. Only the guilty and people who spend a lot of time being arrested and interrogated feel at ease around the police.

Never take the piss out the police, try to be clever or admit to anything you cannot prove. Answers should be yes or not to the best of my knowledge etc. Only say no if you can prove it. Otherwise they're going to show you lied and that's putting you straight in the frame. Better still, don't talk without legal representation, and always confer and reply through your solicitor. Only them, and the people on the other side of the table should be used to this experience.

Ask the officer for a their numbers and right them down - If you don't have a piece of paper, ask for one from their log book and a pen / pencil. They are legally obliged to do so.

If you're guilty, then you need to be able to explain why you were 'in the area' and maybe even why your DNA is present at the crime scene. Most people make the terrible mistake of saying 'they never knew the victim or had never been to their house' this is a rookie error. If you knew the victim and have been to their house, as long as your DNA isn't in or on the body in a suspect way, there is always a good reason as to why your DNA was found at their house.

Burying a body in the UK is almost impossible to get away with, as dog walkers and animals will probably uncover it (ie you'd have to bury it very deep).

DNA is very accurate, but very subjective.

If you are guilty a reasonable doubt defence is usually your best option when it comes to trial.

Always think out a defence, so that it has to fit with evidence from the prosecution witness. Saying the other guy started it, when there are six or seven witnesses is a fools errand. Even if they admit to being drunk etc. Better to say, that you mistook the bloke you attacked for someone else (who'd wronged you or a loved one etc) because you were a bit tipsy and how it all came back to you and how sorry you are - You're still going to be guilty, but you'll mitigate the sentence.

Always, and I can't state this enough, from having worked in the court service, ALWAYS turn up to court in a suit, tie, with a nice hair cut and no stubble (a beard). Even if its a 40 quid primark suit. One thing that unifies juries, judges, magistrates is a disdain for the solemnity of the situation. Even the jury, after all they've had to take time of work, give up their time to travel, sat around for hours - If you turn up in jeans and a hoodie - they will think 'f**k him, he's guilty as f**k and wasting our time with his not guilty bullshit'.

Only people for whom court is a routine experience are casual about appearing in court, and that really shouldn't be the impression any defendant gives off. Nothing will get you sent down faster than wearing a track suit, chains and baseball cap to court. That s**t is more incriminating than semen in the anus of a corpse.
So, what you're saying is that I'm gonna need a good shovel?
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  #18  
Old Today, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by art malice View Post
That’s tremendously helpful. Many thanks.
Mainly the last sentence though right?
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Old Today, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by art malice View Post
That’s tremendously helpful. Many thanks.
You’re supposed to stay silent ffs.

No comment.
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Old Today, 10:15 AM
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So, what you're saying is that I'm gonna need a good shovel?
Don’t worry about it. Art has fessed up already.
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