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  #121  
Old 25-06-2015, 06:03 AM
KYLIE MINEAGLE KYLIE MINEAGLE is offline
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An ice cream man was found dead in his van . He was covered in chocolate , nuts hundreds ad thousands and had a chocolate flake in his ear, Police think he topped himself.
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  #122  
Old 25-06-2015, 01:44 PM
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BB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Might have posted this before, but never mind - I like it!


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer;if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The Question: What do Women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men,the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises . . . He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.

Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night,in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.



Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH
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  #123  
Old 25-06-2015, 06:27 PM
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evvo111 evvo111 is offline
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to p!ss off & let him get some
sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited
bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled
around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that
large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f*cking didn't."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two brooms were hanging in the cupboard and after a while they got to know each other so well that they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white paint. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his painted morning suit. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the reception, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little brush!!!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !!' said the groom broom.

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

-------------------------------------------------------------

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorrhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
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"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
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  #124  
Old 25-06-2015, 06:34 PM
biggus mickus biggus mickus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KYLIE MINEAGLE View Post
An ice cream man was found dead in his van . He was covered in chocolate , nuts hundreds ad thousands and had a chocolate flake in his ear, Police think he topped himself.
So, so poor.

Repped.
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Just how many gobs, clambering for his knob? Must be the old chum brigade.

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  #125  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:20 AM
KYLIE MINEAGLE KYLIE MINEAGLE is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by biggus mickus View Post
So, so poor.

Repped.
I thang yew
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  #126  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:26 AM
KYLIE MINEAGLE KYLIE MINEAGLE is offline
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Try this one then,

Bloke on the couch watching the telly. All of a sudden his wife walks in and wangs him round the head with a saucepan.
'' What did you do that for ? '' he asks when he comes round.
'' I found this in your pocket it's a piece of paper with the name Julia on it. Who is she?''#
''Silly cow. You remember I went to the races last week.? That was the horse I won the money on''

Wife apologises profusely.
A week later he's back on the couch. Wife walks in and wangs him round the head with a frying pan.
'' What the **** was that for'' he asks as he comes round.
''Your horse phoned, arsehole''
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  #127  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:40 AM
GorBlimey GorBlimey is offline
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He says, "I think my friend is dead, what should I do?"

The operator says "Calm down sir, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's a silence, then a gun shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says "OK, now what?"
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  #128  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:28 PM
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Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a
man was crushed to death by hundreds of
bars of chocolate.
He tried hard to attract peoples attention but every
time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!",
everyone just cheered.!!
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  #129  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:30 PM
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Two Brothers on the putting green, one of them says "It's been a year since Father died" his brother replied "this ones for Par"
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"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #130  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:34 PM
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strolling bones strolling bones is offline
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I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin, the other day,
he's head of quality control at Walkers.
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  #131  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:37 PM
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #132  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:38 PM
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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting '13....13....13'.

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and I looked through to see what was going on.

Then some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started
shouting '14....14....14'...
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #133  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:40 PM
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WLYWLYAWYPWF WLYWLYAWYPWF is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KYLIE MINEAGLE View Post
An ice cream man was found dead in his van . He was covered in chocolate , nuts hundreds ad thousands and had a chocolate flake in his ear, Police think he topped himself.
Heard same joke with pizzeria owner. Works much better and so much more scope for variety with the toppings. Used to change them every time I told it.
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  #134  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:42 PM
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u8mygoat : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineu8mygoat : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineu8mygoat : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineu8mygoat : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineu8mygoat : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineu8mygoat : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineu8mygoat : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineu8mygoat : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineu8mygoat : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineu8mygoat : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineu8mygoat : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye, matey!
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  #135  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:43 PM
Baffled Bob 2 Baffled Bob 2 is online now
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There's a gang stealing clothes in size order from shops in Croydon.

Police say they're still at large.
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  #136  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:45 PM
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A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, 'Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'

The priest tells the sinner,'You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'.'

Soon, another man enters the confessional.'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'

This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.

'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'

The next Sunday in church, the priest is preparing to start the service when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the front row, right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'is that Fannie Green?'

The altar boy replies, ..'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #137  
Old 26-06-2015, 01:54 PM
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An alter boy goes to confession and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, Johnny Byrne?" '
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Brown?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Margaret Doyle?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Anne O' Neil?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Catherine O'Toole, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Johnny, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #138  
Old 26-06-2015, 04:45 PM
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A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."

She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."

He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."

Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path, which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected.

While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revellers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The Pagan looked at St. Peter.

"Who are those people?" she asked.

St. Peter replied, "Them? They are fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."

"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"

Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They are actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks!"
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #139  
Old 26-06-2015, 04:52 PM
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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.

He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees
an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla
icecream and sits down to eat.

Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little
flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas
station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've
blown a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's
just ice cream."
__________________
"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #140  
Old 26-06-2015, 04:55 PM
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evvo111 evvo111 is offline
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evvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is hereevvo111 Sam the man is here
Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary’s in various clubs and biting unsuspecting women’s' necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle Street, sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll.

"Mmmm", he thinks, "what's going on here ?" A few yards further on and BANG - smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps "Who are you ?"

She replies "Buffet, the vampire slayer."
__________________
"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
Reply With Quote
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