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  #161  
Old 05-08-2015, 08:26 PM
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BB Bob BB Bob is offline
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BB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Q: What did the pirate say on
his 80th birthday?

A: Aye Matey.
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  #162  
Old 06-08-2015, 08:45 AM
KYLIE MINEAGLE KYLIE MINEAGLE is offline
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KYLIE MINEAGLE Sam the man is hereKYLIE MINEAGLE Sam the man is hereKYLIE MINEAGLE Sam the man is hereKYLIE MINEAGLE Sam the man is hereKYLIE MINEAGLE Sam the man is hereKYLIE MINEAGLE Sam the man is hereKYLIE MINEAGLE Sam the man is hereKYLIE MINEAGLE Sam the man is hereKYLIE MINEAGLE Sam the man is hereKYLIE MINEAGLE Sam the man is hereKYLIE MINEAGLE Sam the man is here
A polar bear is siting on an ice flow watching the day go by hoping a seal or an Eskimo is going to turn up, When up comes his little boy.

'' Dad am I definitely a polar bear?''
'' Course you are son''
'' There's no grizzly , or Kodiak or even koala bear in me is there''
'' Course not son 100% polar bear, Go back as far as Olaf the Bad, Why do you ask''
'' Oh it's nothing it's just I'm bloody cold''
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  #163  
Old 20-10-2015, 05:37 PM
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strolling bones strolling bones is offline
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strolling bones Sam the man is herestrolling bones Sam the man is herestrolling bones Sam the man is herestrolling bones Sam the man is herestrolling bones Sam the man is herestrolling bones Sam the man is herestrolling bones Sam the man is herestrolling bones Sam the man is herestrolling bones Sam the man is herestrolling bones Sam the man is herestrolling bones Sam the man is here
I went into the fancy dress shop for a dracula outfit for halloween. The assistant gave me a Brighton shirt, So i said to her "excuse me miss, i think you may have misheard me, i said i wanted to look like a count"
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  #164  
Old 21-10-2015, 08:22 AM
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
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  #165  
Old 21-10-2015, 12:11 PM
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Il Padrino Il Padrino is offline
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Il Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
I saw a midget climb down the wall of a prison yesterday and glare at me.

I thought, "That's a little condescending."
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  #166  
Old 21-10-2015, 12:16 PM
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si1965 si1965 is offline
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si1965 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesi1965 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesi1965 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesi1965 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesi1965 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesi1965 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesi1965 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesi1965 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesi1965 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesi1965 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesi1965 : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied the survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"
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"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" Charles Darwin
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  #167  
Old 22-12-2015, 12:29 PM
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BB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."
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  #168  
Old 09-09-2016, 08:54 AM
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The Addonians The Addonians is offline
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The Addonians came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietThe Addonians came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietThe Addonians came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietThe Addonians came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietThe Addonians came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietThe Addonians came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietThe Addonians came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietThe Addonians came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietThe Addonians came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietThe Addonians came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietThe Addonians came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
I used to have a pet chameleon but it would never change colour, I got rid of it because it had a reptile dysfunction
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Alex Ferguson 30/11/11
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  #169  
Old 19-09-2016, 09:15 AM
bunter bunter is offline
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bunter came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietbunter came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietbunter came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietbunter came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietbunter came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietbunter came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietbunter came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietbunter came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietbunter came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietbunter came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietbunter came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
what does a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

they can both smell it but they cant eat it.
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  #170  
Old 19-09-2016, 09:30 AM
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Il Padrino Il Padrino is offline
It's a goat Don
 
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Il Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
A thalidomide victim has been arrested at Heathrow airport after being accused of trying to bring small arms into the country
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  #171  
Old 05-10-2016, 06:22 AM
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Worksop Palace Worksop Palace is offline
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I've been offered 8 legs of venison for 100.

Does anyone else think that's too dear ?
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  #172  
Old 06-10-2016, 01:40 PM
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #173  
Old 06-10-2016, 01:41 PM
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #174  
Old 06-10-2016, 01:43 PM
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evvo111 evvo111 is offline
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Don't know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying I'd won 250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #175  
Old 06-10-2016, 01:44 PM
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evvo111 evvo111 is offline
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Scouser went to court accused of having sex with a cat.
The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge,
he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty.
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #176  
Old 06-10-2016, 01:51 PM
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evvo111 evvo111 is offline
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #177  
Old 06-10-2016, 01:51 PM
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evvo111 evvo111 is offline
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #178  
Old 06-10-2016, 02:01 PM
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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  #179  
Old 06-10-2016, 02:22 PM
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3 Beers at HT 3 Beers at HT is offline
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3 Beers at HT came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet3 Beers at HT came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet3 Beers at HT came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet3 Beers at HT came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet3 Beers at HT came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet3 Beers at HT came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet3 Beers at HT came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet3 Beers at HT came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet3 Beers at HT came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet3 Beers at HT came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet3 Beers at HT came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
I took a poll this morning.

8 out of 10 people were unhappy their tent collapsed.
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  #180  
Old 26-10-2016, 07:29 PM
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What do you call Australian roadkill?

Duck Billed Splatterpus.

-----------------------------------------

The top gender reassignment hospital has a restaurant that has just received a Michelin star. It's called Eat, Drink and be Mary.
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"Return to the land of your fathers; blood calls to blood."
"As a nation we're geographically small but for passion we're a continent." - Chris Coleman
"Liberty is rendered even more precious by the recollection of servitude."
"The wise are instructed by reason; ordinary minds by experience; the stupid, by necessity; and brutes by instinct."
"To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."
"Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan."
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