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  #21  
Old 09-10-2009, 03:29 PM
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jookbeard jookbeard is offline
On probation
 
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jookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
any one heard the one about the guy who goes into B&Q?
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  #22  
Old 09-10-2009, 03:33 PM
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pfc came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietpfc came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietpfc came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietpfc came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietpfc came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietpfc came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietpfc came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietpfc came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietpfc came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietpfc came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietpfc came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered,
'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.
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  #23  
Old 09-10-2009, 03:51 PM
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Il Padrino Il Padrino is offline
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Il Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
I called 118 118 last night. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Enfield Herts."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Enfield," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
I hesitated with embarrassment , and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
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  #24  
Old 09-10-2009, 03:56 PM
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jookbeard jookbeard is offline
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jookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkjookbeard sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Quote:
Originally Posted by Il Padrino
I called 118 118 last night. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Enfield Herts."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Enfield," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
I hesitated with embarrassment , and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
very good
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  #25  
Old 09-10-2009, 04:23 PM
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Webb : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineWebb : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineWebb : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineWebb : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineWebb : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineWebb : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineWebb : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineWebb : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineWebb : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineWebb : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineWebb : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic man who wasn't sure if there was a dog?
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  #26  
Old 09-10-2009, 04:38 PM
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palace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
my mate Sid was the victim of ID theft. He's just called S now.
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  #27  
Old 12-12-2009, 02:08 PM
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YASSA the PALACETINIAN YASSA the PALACETINIAN is offline
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YASSA the PALACETINIAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineYASSA the PALACETINIAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineYASSA the PALACETINIAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineYASSA the PALACETINIAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineYASSA the PALACETINIAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineYASSA the PALACETINIAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineYASSA the PALACETINIAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineYASSA the PALACETINIAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineYASSA the PALACETINIAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineYASSA the PALACETINIAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineYASSA the PALACETINIAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
A blonde gets a job as a teacher

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids
are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to
speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f*cking goal keeper"
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  #28  
Old 12-12-2009, 02:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Il Padrino
I called 118 118 last night. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Enfield Herts."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Enfield," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
I hesitated with embarrassment , and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
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Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head, found my way downstairs and drank a cup, and looking up I noticed I was late.
Found my coat and grabbed my hat, made the bus in seconds flat, found my way upstairs and had a smoke, and Somebody spoke and I went into a dream
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  #29  
Old 12-12-2009, 02:56 PM
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peagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepeagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepeagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepeagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepeagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepeagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepeagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepeagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepeagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepeagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepeagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
On a more serious note, there was a survey yesterday of 1000 American Blondes. On the question 'Would you sleep with Tiger Woods?' 82% answered 'not again'.
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  #30  
Old 12-12-2009, 05:58 PM
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Streams, Speedos & beer.
 
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Maidstoned Eagle Sam the man is hereMaidstoned Eagle Sam the man is hereMaidstoned Eagle Sam the man is hereMaidstoned Eagle Sam the man is hereMaidstoned Eagle Sam the man is hereMaidstoned Eagle Sam the man is hereMaidstoned Eagle Sam the man is hereMaidstoned Eagle Sam the man is hereMaidstoned Eagle Sam the man is hereMaidstoned Eagle Sam the man is hereMaidstoned Eagle Sam the man is here
A Duck walks into a bar
"got any milk?"

Barman says, "we don't sell milk"

Duck says "Got any milk"

Barman " We don't have any milk!!"

"Got any milk?"
"No!"
"Got any milk?"
"NO! Look you irrtating litle ****** if you ask for milk again I'll nail your beak to this bar!"
"Got any nails?"
"No!"
"Got any milk?"
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  #31  
Old 12-12-2009, 07:38 PM
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#mp3_zone came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet#mp3_zone came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet#mp3_zone came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet#mp3_zone came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet#mp3_zone came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet#mp3_zone came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet#mp3_zone came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet#mp3_zone came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet#mp3_zone came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet#mp3_zone came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet#mp3_zone came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
What kind of bee produces milk?
















A boobee

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but I never, and I don't know who could have if I didn't, but I never, and I repeat never, ever pissed in your steam iron.
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  #32  
Old 12-12-2009, 07:43 PM
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I hope none of these are Tim Vines jokes. We might have to change the thread title.
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Just how many gobs, clambering for his knob? Must be the old chum brigade.

The party on the left, are now the party on the right.
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  #33  
Old 12-12-2009, 08:01 PM
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A Reading fan, Swindon fan, and Bristol City fan are arguing about who is the biggest fan. They decide to go and sit in a pig sty and the one the stays in there longest is the winner.

After an hour the Swindon fan comes out coughing. After another hour the Reading fan staggers out. After another hour the pigs run out.
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  #34  
Old 12-12-2009, 08:06 PM
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leicester1 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietleicester1 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietleicester1 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietleicester1 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietleicester1 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietleicester1 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietleicester1 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietleicester1 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietleicester1 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietleicester1 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietleicester1 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Bloke out shopping at Tesco with his wife,he can't believe it when his wife buys 5 tubes of face cream for 37 pound.
Bloke..Why the hell do you need 5 tubes,and at that price as well.

Wife....they make me look beautiful.

They get around to the booze counter.Bloke grabs 5 bottles of cider.20 pound.

Wife..What do you need 5 bottles for?

Bloke..Cheaper than the face cream,and they make you look stunning.

Last edited by leicester1; 12-12-2009 at 08:28 PM.
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  #35  
Old 12-12-2009, 08:24 PM
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Just rang dominos pizza and orderd a thin a crusty supreme.
******* diana ross turned up!.
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Get along to Hayes lane ( Bromley fc) and watch the Palace Ladies you'll enjoy it!.
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  #36  
Old 12-12-2009, 08:29 PM
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I went to the doctors today. i said "do you treat alcoholics"?, he said " yes of course i do".
i said "any chance of taking me for a pint then" , "i'm ****in skint".
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  #37  
Old 12-12-2009, 08:35 PM
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A vampire bat arrives back at the cave with his face and teeth coverd in blood!
All the other bats get excited and ask where he got it from. "follow me" off they fly other the hills , over the river n into the dark forrest. "see that tree over there"? "yes" they reply. "Well i ******* didn't "!
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  #38  
Old 12-12-2009, 08:43 PM
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ozzieEagle ozzieEagle is offline
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ozzieEagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineozzieEagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineozzieEagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineozzieEagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineozzieEagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineozzieEagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineozzieEagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineozzieEagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineozzieEagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineozzieEagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineozzieEagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
Quote:
Originally Posted by waddoneagle
An old lady called Doris in her eighties wants to spice up her sex life with her husband Burt. She buys a bag of sex toys and crotchless knickers. Back home she spreads herself out on the bed and says to Burt, "You want some of this?". Burt says: "Not if that's what its done to your knickers."
I'm deeply offended because that is actually my parents real names. So you've Given me 'orrible images.
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  #39  
Old 12-12-2009, 09:03 PM
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northwest eagle northwest eagle is offline
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northwest eagle put a party on and waited for the sunlight to recallnorthwest eagle put a party on and waited for the sunlight to recallnorthwest eagle put a party on and waited for the sunlight to recallnorthwest eagle put a party on and waited for the sunlight to recallnorthwest eagle put a party on and waited for the sunlight to recallnorthwest eagle put a party on and waited for the sunlight to recallnorthwest eagle put a party on and waited for the sunlight to recallnorthwest eagle put a party on and waited for the sunlight to recallnorthwest eagle put a party on and waited for the sunlight to recallnorthwest eagle put a party on and waited for the sunlight to recallnorthwest eagle put a party on and waited for the sunlight to recall
Jordon says to Harvey "What do u want to be when your older son?" Harvey replies "I want to be a teacher mummy" Jordon replies "How the **** u gonna manage that son, you cant even control your own pupils"

Sorry if offends
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Old 13-12-2009, 01:28 AM
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palace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minepalace_crystal : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
did you hear about the circumsisor with bad eyesight?




he got the sack
boom boom
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