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  #1  
Old 18-04-2008, 04:49 PM
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waddoneagle waddoneagle is offline
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waddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is here
Joke Thread (New One)

apologies if this offends

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac were all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat," suggested the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," said the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then set it on fire," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow
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  #2  
Old 18-04-2008, 04:52 PM
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little al little al is offline
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little al Sam the man is herelittle al Sam the man is herelittle al Sam the man is herelittle al Sam the man is herelittle al Sam the man is herelittle al Sam the man is herelittle al Sam the man is herelittle al Sam the man is herelittle al Sam the man is herelittle al Sam the man is herelittle al Sam the man is here
Why would it offend? There are no Muslims being ridiculed. Nobody else matters.
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Old 18-04-2008, 05:00 PM
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waddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is here
An old lady called Doris in her eighties wants to spice up her sex life with her husband Burt. She buys a bag of sex toys and crotchless knickers. Back home she spreads herself out on the bed and says to Burt, "You want some of this?". Burt says: "Not if that's what its done to your knickers."
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Old 18-04-2008, 05:06 PM
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waddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is herewaddoneagle Sam the man is here
Did you hear about the Millwall Fan who's car broke down? He asked the mechanic what the problem was. He said 'crap in the carburettor' 'Oh' He said 'how often do I have to do that?'
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  #5  
Old 09-05-2008, 07:16 PM
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Chester came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietChester came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietChester came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietChester came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietChester came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietChester came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietChester came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietChester came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietChester came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietChester came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietChester came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming
ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent
eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to
see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking
at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he
replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
her foot and stepped them flat and said, 'Well, we're not having any of that
Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden.'
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  #6  
Old 09-05-2008, 07:20 PM
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wickham_eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors;  climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldwickham_eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors;  climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldwickham_eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors;  climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldwickham_eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors;  climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldwickham_eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors;  climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldwickham_eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors;  climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldwickham_eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors;  climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldwickham_eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors;  climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldwickham_eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors;  climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldwickham_eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors;  climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldwickham_eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors;  climbed up on the roof, the roof of the world
Dad at the Shopping Centre:

I took my dad to the Shopping Centre the other day
to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild In your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;
knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and f * cked a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son.'
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  #7  
Old 09-05-2008, 07:26 PM
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little al little al is offline
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Where are the "new" jokes?
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Old 09-05-2008, 07:36 PM
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How do you titillate an Ocelot?

Oscillate the tits a lot.
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  #9  
Old 09-10-2009, 02:15 PM
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Il Padrino Il Padrino is offline
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I hate having to crush my grans pills up and put them in her dinner,

I feel sneaky but would never forgive myself if I got her pregnant.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm a bit like Marmite.

Not in the clichéd "You either love me or you hate me" way, but in the "If you're stupid enough to stick me up your fanny, you'll probably get a yeast infection" way
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Matt Lucas,
I am sorry to hear about the suicide of you ex lover. I find myself compelled to help you as recently i have been through a similar situation.

Can we meet you a drink because you also remind me of my past lover.

Jack Tweed
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  #10  
Old 09-10-2009, 02:26 PM
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There's nothing like cutting and pasting from the internet.
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  #11  
Old 09-10-2009, 02:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by little al
Why would it offend? There are no Muslims being ridiculed. Nobody else matters.
depends, what religion was the cat?
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  #12  
Old 09-10-2009, 02:44 PM
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Il Padrino Il Padrino is offline
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Il Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
"I think," said the sweet potato, "therefore I Yam"
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Old 09-10-2009, 02:46 PM
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computer jokes

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
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  #14  
Old 09-10-2009, 02:46 PM
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EagleSE24 EagleSE24 is offline
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EagleSE24 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEagleSE24 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEagleSE24 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEagleSE24 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEagleSE24 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEagleSE24 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEagleSE24 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEagleSE24 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEagleSE24 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEagleSE24 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEagleSE24 came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
I was walking down the road the other day when I saw a man with courgettes in his ears. I walked up to him and said "excuse me mate, but do you know you've got courgettes in your ears?". He replied "sorry mate, I can't hear a word you're saying. I've got courgettes in my ears..."
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Old 09-10-2009, 02:49 PM
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Il Padrino Il Padrino is offline
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Il Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
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Old 09-10-2009, 02:55 PM
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Psychokiller Psychokiller is offline
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A tourettes sufferer walks into a pub, walks up to the bar and says to the barmaid:

"I'll have a pint of Stella please..... I'D REALLY LIKE TO FEEL YOUR TITS".

The barmaid, obviously offended asks him to leave. He explains that he has tourettes and promises that it won't happen again. Barmaid asks him what he wanted again and he says:

"Pint of Stella.... I'D LOVE TO STICK MY FINGER UP YOUR ARSE""

The barmaid orders him to leave and threatens to call her husband. He apologises and begs for one more chance. She relents, pours his pint and asks him if he'd like anything else. He replies:

"I'D LIKE TO HANG YOU UPSIDE DOWN, FILL YOUR MINGE WITH STELLA AND DRINK IT FROM YOUR FURRY CUP".

The barmaid can take no more. She walks upstairs where her husband is watching telly.

"Danny, there's a bloke downstairs who said he'd like to feel my tits"

Husband replies "I'll fvcking kill him"

"Then he said he's like to stick his finger up my arse"

Husband replies "He's dead meat"

"Then he said he'd like to hang me upside down, fill my minge up with Stella and drink it from my furry cup"

The husband sits back down and carries on watching the telly. She says "aren't you going to do anything then?"

Husband replies "I'm not messing with a bloke who can down 24 pints of Stella!"
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  #17  
Old 09-10-2009, 03:08 PM
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milky87 milky87 is offline
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Someone e-mailed me this the other day:

N G B A

I thought it was bang out of order
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Old 09-10-2009, 03:10 PM
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milky87 milky87 is offline
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I was asked the other day wether I liked porn. Do I like porn? Does a bear sh*t in a japenese schoolgirls mouth?
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Old 09-10-2009, 03:17 PM
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Il Padrino Il Padrino is offline
It's a goat Don
 
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Il Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietIl Padrino came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
The school phoned me today and said, "your son's been telling lies"

I said, "well tell him he's bloody good - I haven't got any kids!"
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Old 09-10-2009, 03:23 PM
Nofishtoday Nofishtoday is offline
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Nofishtoday knows the things you wanted that you could not sayNofishtoday knows the things you wanted that you could not sayNofishtoday knows the things you wanted that you could not sayNofishtoday knows the things you wanted that you could not sayNofishtoday knows the things you wanted that you could not sayNofishtoday knows the things you wanted that you could not sayNofishtoday knows the things you wanted that you could not sayNofishtoday knows the things you wanted that you could not sayNofishtoday knows the things you wanted that you could not sayNofishtoday knows the things you wanted that you could not sayNofishtoday knows the things you wanted that you could not say
A young lad got a job in a Fish and Chip shop but after a week got the sack. His Dad went round to see the owner to ask him why.
'Becasue he had a potato peeler up his ar$e, thats why' says the owner.
Lets have a look at this potato peeler says the dad.
'i sacked him as well' replied the owner.
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