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  #1  
Old 22-05-2003, 11:46 PM
smileysmith's Avatar
smileysmith smileysmith is offline
Got my eagle eye on you.
  
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Gipsy Hill
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smileysmith : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesmileysmith : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesmileysmith : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesmileysmith : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesmileysmith : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesmileysmith : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesmileysmith : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesmileysmith : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesmileysmith : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesmileysmith : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minesmileysmith : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
You current favourite joke???
OK ... I wanna pick up some new jokes, so post your best here ...

I'll kickstart the action ...

Did you hear about Mick Hucknall getting caught having sex with a rabbit?

Apparently he was 'holding back the ears' ...
... and the 'bunny was too tight to mention'!

well, i laughed!
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  #2  
Old 23-05-2003, 01:21 AM
Brett Brett is offline
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Brett sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkBrett sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkBrett sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkBrett sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkBrett sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkBrett sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkBrett sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkBrett sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkBrett sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkBrett sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkBrett sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Palaceman 2002 for me...
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  #3  
Old 23-05-2003, 02:26 AM
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PalaceFan in Alabama PalaceFan in Alabama is offline
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Location: Mobile AL
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PalaceFan in Alabama would live that day over and over, but the world won't stop turningPalaceFan in Alabama would live that day over and over, but the world won't stop turningPalaceFan in Alabama would live that day over and over, but the world won't stop turningPalaceFan in Alabama would live that day over and over, but the world won't stop turningPalaceFan in Alabama would live that day over and over, but the world won't stop turningPalaceFan in Alabama would live that day over and over, but the world won't stop turningPalaceFan in Alabama would live that day over and over, but the world won't stop turningPalaceFan in Alabama would live that day over and over, but the world won't stop turningPalaceFan in Alabama would live that day over and over, but the world won't stop turningPalaceFan in Alabama would live that day over and over, but the world won't stop turningPalaceFan in Alabama would live that day over and over, but the world won't stop turning
An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Boston and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Celtics fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Celtics
fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Celtics fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Celtics fan, then who do you support?" "I'm a Spurs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Spurs fan?" "Because my mom and dad are from San Antonio and my mom is a Spurs fan and my dad is a Spurs fan, so I'm a Spurs fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Spurs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?" Mary said, "I'd be a Lakers fan."
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  #4  
Old 23-05-2003, 02:35 AM
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Coulsdon Eagle Coulsdon Eagle is offline
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Coulsdon Eagle is south London and proudCoulsdon Eagle is south London and proudCoulsdon Eagle is south London and proudCoulsdon Eagle is south London and proudCoulsdon Eagle is south London and proudCoulsdon Eagle is south London and proudCoulsdon Eagle is south London and proudCoulsdon Eagle is south London and proudCoulsdon Eagle is south London and proudCoulsdon Eagle is south London and proudCoulsdon Eagle is south London and proud
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer,
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish"
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish"
The man said, "Please build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive
over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can
do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would
honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. finally he said, "Lord,
I wish that I could understand what women want. I want to know how
they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the
silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' ,
and how i can make a woman truly happy"
All was silent.
Finally, God spoke.
"You want two lanes on that bridge or four?"
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  #5  
Old 23-05-2003, 02:56 AM
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jlmatthews jlmatthews is offline
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Location: 3951 miles (6358 km) (3433 nautical miles) from Selhurst
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jlmatthews knows that the key to the city is in the sun that pins the branches to the skyjlmatthews knows that the key to the city is in the sun that pins the branches to the skyjlmatthews knows that the key to the city is in the sun that pins the branches to the skyjlmatthews knows that the key to the city is in the sun that pins the branches to the skyjlmatthews knows that the key to the city is in the sun that pins the branches to the skyjlmatthews knows that the key to the city is in the sun that pins the branches to the skyjlmatthews knows that the key to the city is in the sun that pins the branches to the skyjlmatthews knows that the key to the city is in the sun that pins the branches to the skyjlmatthews knows that the key to the city is in the sun that pins the branches to the skyjlmatthews knows that the key to the city is in the sun that pins the branches to the skyjlmatthews knows that the key to the city is in the sun that pins the branches to the sky
2 men walk into a bar

The third ducks...
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"It hurts us here," Jose Luis Luviano, a fan in Mexico City, said as he punched his chest. Tears melted the Mexican flags painted on his cheeks. "There has to be an end to this disgrace where (Americans) treat us like rats and idiots."
-WC 2002 US 2 - 0 Mexico

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  #6  
Old 23-05-2003, 04:27 AM
DaveyF DaveyF is offline
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DaveyF is playing for a contract
Why should you never buy yourself an illiterate dwarf?
Because it's not big and its not clever!
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  #7  
Old 23-05-2003, 05:20 AM
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Grim Reaper Grim Reaper is offline
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Grim Reaper dances on the sands, and yet no footing seenGrim Reaper dances on the sands, and yet no footing seenGrim Reaper dances on the sands, and yet no footing seenGrim Reaper dances on the sands, and yet no footing seenGrim Reaper dances on the sands, and yet no footing seenGrim Reaper dances on the sands, and yet no footing seenGrim Reaper dances on the sands, and yet no footing seenGrim Reaper dances on the sands, and yet no footing seenGrim Reaper dances on the sands, and yet no footing seenGrim Reaper dances on the sands, and yet no footing seenGrim Reaper dances on the sands, and yet no footing seen
What does ET stand for? Because he can't sit down
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Looking for a different type of Palace gift this Christmas?

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.d...m=320324107450
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  #8  
Old 23-05-2003, 05:59 AM
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sydney eagle sydney eagle is offline
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sydney eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors; climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldsydney eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors; climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldsydney eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors; climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldsydney eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors; climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldsydney eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors; climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldsydney eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors; climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldsydney eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors; climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldsydney eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors; climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldsydney eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors; climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldsydney eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors; climbed up on the roof, the roof of the worldsydney eagle was playing in the snow, was banging on the doors; climbed up on the roof, the roof of the world
I heard this one on the radio this morning...

(Q)what does a trapeze artist and a guy getting oral sex from whoopi goldberg have in common?

(A)Both are scared to look down
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God know's how good Wilf's gonna be. I have never seen anyone do the things with the ball that he can do. I want to give him 2 footballs so that he has one at all times to show us what he can do
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  #9  
Old 23-05-2003, 06:05 AM
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selhurst selhurst is offline
he's no David Bailey...
  
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selhurst has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment.selhurst has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment.selhurst has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment.selhurst has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment.selhurst has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment.selhurst has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment.selhurst has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment.selhurst has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment.selhurst has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment.selhurst has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment.selhurst has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment.
What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?

Having your dentist tell you.
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  #10  
Old 23-05-2003, 07:03 AM
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Gooders Gooders is offline
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Gooders : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGooders : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGooders : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGooders : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGooders : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGooders : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGooders : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGooders : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGooders : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGooders : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGooders : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
Re: You current favourite joke???
Palace's new manager selection process...ROFL!
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  #11  
Old 23-05-2003, 07:17 AM
KYLIE MINEAGLE KYLIE MINEAGLE is offline
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KYLIE MINEAGLE was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsKYLIE MINEAGLE was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsKYLIE MINEAGLE was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsKYLIE MINEAGLE was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsKYLIE MINEAGLE was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsKYLIE MINEAGLE was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsKYLIE MINEAGLE was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsKYLIE MINEAGLE was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsKYLIE MINEAGLE was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsKYLIE MINEAGLE was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsKYLIE MINEAGLE was in another world, a world of 20,000 girls
Posted this a while back but worth another go.
The two Williams sisters are in the changing room after a practice session.
Venus: I think dad is giving me some of those funny hormone drugs.
Serena How do you know that.
V Cos I've got hair where I've never had it before.
S Where?
V Just above me balls.

Well I laughed anyway.
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  #12  
Old 23-05-2003, 07:41 AM
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Vince Hilarious Vince Hilarious is offline
Back On The Circuit.
  
Join Date: Nov 1999
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Vince Hilarious knows a pretty little place in southern California, down San Diego wayVince Hilarious knows a pretty little place in southern California, down San Diego wayVince Hilarious knows a pretty little place in southern California, down San Diego wayVince Hilarious knows a pretty little place in southern California, down San Diego wayVince Hilarious knows a pretty little place in southern California, down San Diego wayVince Hilarious knows a pretty little place in southern California, down San Diego wayVince Hilarious knows a pretty little place in southern California, down San Diego wayVince Hilarious knows a pretty little place in southern California, down San Diego wayVince Hilarious knows a pretty little place in southern California, down San Diego wayVince Hilarious knows a pretty little place in southern California, down San Diego wayVince Hilarious knows a pretty little place in southern California, down San Diego way
My Friend works in a bakers and had a terrible accident this morning.
He was badly electrocuted.........
















.........He stepped on a current bun!! Boom boom.
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  #13  
Old 23-05-2003, 07:46 AM
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Dave Dave is offline
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Location: Handsome Boy Modeling School
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Dave : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineDave : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineDave : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineDave : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineDave : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineDave : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineDave : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineDave : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineDave : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineDave : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineDave : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
Quote:
Originally posted by DaveyF
Why should you never buy yourself an illiterate dwarf?
Because it's not big and its not clever!


nice one

Q: Who is in charge of Space?

A: President Raygun
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  #14  
Old 23-05-2003, 07:48 AM
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Al From Bromley Al From Bromley is offline
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Al From Bromley belongs to OllieAl From Bromley belongs to OllieAl From Bromley belongs to OllieAl From Bromley belongs to OllieAl From Bromley belongs to OllieAl From Bromley belongs to OllieAl From Bromley belongs to OllieAl From Bromley belongs to OllieAl From Bromley belongs to OllieAl From Bromley belongs to OllieAl From Bromley belongs to Ollie
DaveyF just rebadged my signature
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  #15  
Old 23-05-2003, 07:51 AM
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Pub Idol Pub Idol is offline
It's just a ride....
  
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Location: Morden
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Pub Idol stole the moon, stole a car. Could've made it to heaven but never got that farPub Idol stole the moon, stole a car. Could've made it to heaven but never got that farPub Idol stole the moon, stole a car. Could've made it to heaven but never got that farPub Idol stole the moon, stole a car. Could've made it to heaven but never got that farPub Idol stole the moon, stole a car. Could've made it to heaven but never got that farPub Idol stole the moon, stole a car. Could've made it to heaven but never got that farPub Idol stole the moon, stole a car. Could've made it to heaven but never got that farPub Idol stole the moon, stole a car. Could've made it to heaven but never got that farPub Idol stole the moon, stole a car. Could've made it to heaven but never got that farPub Idol stole the moon, stole a car. Could've made it to heaven but never got that farPub Idol stole the moon, stole a car. Could've made it to heaven but never got that far
Apparantly Jeremy Beadle has a tiny c0ck.
But on the other hand it's massive.
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  #16  
Old 23-05-2003, 07:53 AM
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markholmes1991 markholmes1991 is offline
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Posts: 5,934
markholmes1991 was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsmarkholmes1991 was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsmarkholmes1991 was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsmarkholmes1991 was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsmarkholmes1991 was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsmarkholmes1991 was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsmarkholmes1991 was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsmarkholmes1991 was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsmarkholmes1991 was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsmarkholmes1991 was in another world, a world of 20,000 girlsmarkholmes1991 was in another world, a world of 20,000 girls
brilliant Pub Idol!
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  #17  
Old 23-05-2003, 08:23 AM
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jone-zee jone-zee is offline
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jone-zee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minejone-zee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minejone-zee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minejone-zee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minejone-zee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minejone-zee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minejone-zee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minejone-zee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minejone-zee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minejone-zee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minejone-zee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
Old Dubbya is standing by ground zero deep in thought.
He looks over and there is a British Family, peering through the fence, rependant in Shell Suit and Burbury Hats.
George walks over to the family struck by how the scene seems to be affecting them
"Hi and where do you folks hail From?"
"Sahrf Bermonzee son" says the Leader of the group
"Gee! Swell! And what state is that in?"
"Oh pretty much the same as that" the youth replies nodding through the fence
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  #18  
Old 23-05-2003, 08:29 AM
FCM FCM is offline
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FCM is playing for a contract
Subject: Earthquake Appeal

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday 6th March 2003.

Epicentre: Chatham

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fockin mentoe" "innit" and "cont"
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage, several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearica and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Medway news reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Medway.
One resident Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps,
Kappa tracksuit tops (his n hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sports socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins if baked beans ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5.0 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population or neighboring areas of Stroud, Rochester and Gravesend.
_
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  #19  
Old 23-05-2003, 08:33 AM
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pallet pallet is offline
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pallet knows the things you wanted that you could not saypallet knows the things you wanted that you could not saypallet knows the things you wanted that you could not saypallet knows the things you wanted that you could not saypallet knows the things you wanted that you could not saypallet knows the things you wanted that you could not saypallet knows the things you wanted that you could not saypallet knows the things you wanted that you could not saypallet knows the things you wanted that you could not saypallet knows the things you wanted that you could not saypallet knows the things you wanted that you could not say
What do you a whore with a snotty nose?
Full.
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  #20  
Old 23-05-2003, 08:36 AM
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Tele Caster Tele Caster is offline
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Posts: 685
Tele Caster is living as legends have livedTele Caster is living as legends have livedTele Caster is living as legends have livedTele Caster is living as legends have livedTele Caster is living as legends have livedTele Caster is living as legends have livedTele Caster is living as legends have livedTele Caster is living as legends have livedTele Caster is living as legends have livedTele Caster is living as legends have livedTele Caster is living as legends have lived
Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party

in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and

music, fashion and art.



There's the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and

McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are

sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and over in the corner, George

Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren. All's going really well,

until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home

for an early night curled up with a good book.



"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I

get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the

'how's yer father?'"



"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the

gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band too."



"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in

close and whispers some instructions in her ear. Half an hour later, the

young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the

Beatles.



"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service

to me, do you?"



The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!"

and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.



Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door

flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young one y the back of

the hair and Slaps her hard across the face!



"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.



"I told you," Caine snarls.



"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."
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