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  #41  
Old 06-10-2003, 10:07 PM
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I've cancelled my appointment with the patronising psychologist,I am not going back to her and whether it's right or wrong I'm going to wait a little while before approaching another as I don't feel ready yet.

I'm finding it mindblowing the amount of people in this thread who can relate to this.It certainly makes you feel like you're the only one suffering with this(well it for me anyway) when in actual fact that is far from the truth.

The good thing for me has been the people in this thread who have gone through it and come out the other side ok
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  #42  
Old 06-10-2003, 10:16 PM
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Good luck Paul, hope thing get better for you ASAP
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  #43  
Old 06-10-2003, 11:25 PM
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I know where you are coming from SE. In my late teenage years and early twenties I suffered regular periods of depression, somewhat delibatating. It was hereditary too I think effectively putting paid to my grandmothers and mothers normal existence. In fact I remember my GM going through the benefits of electic shock treatment. As for my mother, too painful too recount. You can feel the bad periods crawl up to you as well, all is well for some months, even a year or three, then you start to feel awkward and isolated over a couple of weeks and then it hits.

At the turn of the year I had my my first and one of my most severe bouts for six or seven years. Now it appears silly. Coming onto the BBS and a few understanding friends (especially my mate Hainesy who some of you have met) certainly helped, and I agree with the sentiment that bulletin boards can easily be sneered at. The feeling you have no one to talk to and the embarrassment of being seen as bathing in a vat of self pity when things are so much tougher for others. The feeling you don't wish to bore people with the same old problems, exacerbate the introversy.

To have no self confidence and be full of self doubt and self loathing is crushing. You almost cease to function. The simple task of ordering a round of drinks, let alone trying to enjoy a night or a weekend away with your mates, has difficulties.

I have never taken any medication or counselling. If it occurs again I think I have no choice.

I can offer no advice, other than I got through it, I wish you the best and wish there was some way I could say that once it passes it will never return.

Certain people on here sent me PMs, perhaps from unlikely sources. As this thread suggests, more people suffer than you think. Perhaps we haven't enough to worry about in the modern world. I wonder if there is a documented history of this affliction incenturies past.

Take Care Mate.
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  #44  
Old 06-10-2003, 11:27 PM
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My experience with depression is as a family member of sufferers. This morning my younger brother phoned. My uncle has committed suicide. There are two other members of my immediate family who suffer from depression. In addition, my closest work colleague is currently off her medication. A consistent comment that they make is that rationally you know that you should act feel this way but you can't stop yourself.

Two things from my experience are: If you feel a treatment is not helping, it may simply take longer - this is a complex and powerful condition. If you feel it's making it worse, seek alternatives - different strokes...

I hope that you get better soon.
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  #45  
Old 06-10-2003, 11:39 PM
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I'm glad this thread exists if it helps other people who haven't suffered get an idea of what this illness is like.

I went through a bad patch in my late teens which thankfully is now long behind me - rather wish something like the BBS had been around then.
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  #46  
Old 07-10-2003, 03:17 AM
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One of the worst problems we British tend to suffer with as a race is that we are brought up pretty much to believe that we should be strong, suffer in silence, work things out for ourselves. That is OK for some but for others it just doesnt work. There is nothing to be ashamed about in admtting that you are feeling down or can't cope with lifes pressures, many people are in the same boat, as is evident from this thread. Counselling may not seem cool to those who are unaffected by the condition, but in a lot of cases it is the ONLY answer in the long run.
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  #47  
Old 07-10-2003, 03:38 AM
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Good luck Sydney....
I'm not gonna try and offer any solutions except to say you're not alone as soooo many people suffer with it (and this thread is a further example)

I'm a fellow sufferer of depression, have had it on and off since about 13 years old - I'm now 24. I've been on the pills for the last 9 months and I have put my life at risk before after asphyxiating myself with an extension lead and the more conventional use of razor blades.

But hey, I'm still standing (just). Life is still a real battle sometimes and I know exactly how you feel after a while of fighting it you do start to think about just giving up. But I'm sure you can fight it.... together we just keep going.

By the way thanks for starting this thread it's one of the most important things to me to try and de-stigmatise depression and all of us that suffer from it need to talk about it not only for ourselves but to allow others to understand better. I try to talk about my problems as much as possible because it helps me and I am now comfortable to let people see my arms which are covered in scars.
I'm far from 'over' my problems, and maybe I never will totally be, but i have learnt to become comfortable with my problems an open about them. I used to hide them away and I refuse to anymore.
It's Ok to be unhappy... it's ok to depressed.
Never be ashamed of it and you will grow back to strength....

Good luck mate

Last edited by Eddie McGoldrick's tash; 07-10-2003 at 03:41 AM.
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  #48  
Old 07-10-2003, 03:42 AM
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...too true Eddie. And the more people openly talk about it the easier it becomes to shoulder the burden. It won't just go away but at least there will be a realisation that you are far from alone.
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  #49  
Old 07-10-2003, 03:51 AM
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And as far as treatment goes .... don't give up. Eventually you'll find something that works for you or at least helps you manage it.

The pills really help me. CBT never worked for me but can be a massive help for others. I am currently meant to be starting another course of Psychotherapy and maybe this will help... maybe not but I guess I owe it to myself ans those around me to give it another try.
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  #50  
Old 07-10-2003, 05:49 AM
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You are a brave man to admit to your depression .Its a step closer to healing ,it shows you want to get better and move on.It may take a while.but you will get there.
I find sometimes it's best to keep an eye on you're sugar in-take. too much leads to mood swings.

if you want to chat ,please feel free to send me a private message.

take care mate.
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  #51  
Old 07-10-2003, 06:12 AM
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I know f*** all about this problem and so no advice from me. But can I just say what a nice bunch of people you all are on the BBS. Well - just about everyone who has posted on here

Good luck Sydney
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  #52  
Old 07-10-2003, 06:20 AM
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I echo all the positive replies that you have had Paul. I too have been a sufferer in the past and I know what that black "worthless" feeling is like. It is TREATABLE. It's a chemical imbalance and can be treated. Good luck to you mate and be assured you are worth saving. Just look at all the support you have had on here from all round the world!
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  #53  
Old 07-10-2003, 09:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by PeterH
The feeling you have no one to talk to and the embarrassment of being seen as bathing in a vat of self pity when things are so much tougher for others. The feeling you don't wish to bore people with the same old problems, exacerbate the introversy.

To have no self confidence and be full of self doubt and self loathing is crushing. You almost cease to function.
That pretty much sums up how I feel,I have never seen myself as anything good but now it's more than that,I feel like it's really becoming self hatred because I ruin everything good that comes into my life from relationships to friendships to work to everything else and that is what kinda scares me & also is why I posted this thread.I hate discussing this usually as in peterH's quote above it is seen by many as 'self pity" and it certainly has been seen that way I'm sure but this was my "final straw" as they say,when i originally posted that first post on saturday night I can honestly say I had some pretty scary thoughts running through my head so I had to do something.

Again,all the kind comments from everyone are much appreciated

sorry to hear about your uncle Hugh
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  #54  
Old 07-10-2003, 10:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by sydney eagle
That pretty much sums up how I feel,I have never seen myself as anything good but now it's more than that,I feel like it's really becoming self hatred because I ruin everything good that comes into my life from relationships to friendships to work to everything else
One of the great tragedies of today is that everyone has this image of perfection that they are meant to achieve and anything that causes you to miss out on that screams "failure" to be stamped all over you. In flourescent colours. In letters 6 feet high. Almost nobody else worries about what we perceive as our own failures but we tend to blow them up into massive things. It's good to be your own worst critic but when it gets to the point that's the only role you're playing in your life then there is a problem. A lot of us are driven more by fear of failure than anything which may be helpful in the short-term but most certainly isn't over an extended time.

A lot of it is caused by the underlying chemical imbalances in the neurotransmitters but some is from the ridiculous demands we place on ourselves. Whoever thought keeping up with the Jonses would lead to this.

I've been taking St Johns Wort for a few weeks after a very black period at the end of August where I could feel my seratonin levels crashing through the floor and it's something that works for me. It may be a placebo effect but I'm not bothered because I feel somewhat human again (and I've stopped unplugging the phone so I don't have to talk to people). However, I find it fairly obvious that anyone who claims there's no medical cause to depression to be barking up a very ignorant tree.

I read a stat recently that a child laughs over a hundred times a day while an adult laughs 4 times. I suspect there's a warning in that. Curiously enough iTunes randomly started playing Pink Floyd's 'The Wall' while I was writing this post. Perhaps the most relevant line is from Harry Chapin's 'Sequel' where the character claims "I finally like myself". I think that's what makes depression so misunderstood because a bloke like Paul - who has his own house and business, talks a lot of sense, listens to the problems of others, has a great sense of self-deprecating humour and is a genuinely good person - suffers from a lack of confidence bordering on self-loathing.

For all the posters on this thread (including myself) it helps to be reminded that there's always people in your corner who care. Just a shame we fail to see them a lot of the time.
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  #55  
Old 07-10-2003, 10:19 AM
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Funny that a thread headed "Depression" should also be, in a way, so feel-good and upbeat. Its a thread that radiates honesty, warmth and understanding.

I can't contribute to it : I simply wanted to say it makes me feel quite proud of the BBS community...
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  #56  
Old 07-10-2003, 10:31 AM
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It's somewhat ironic that this thread is producing some of the most eloquent and even inspiring prose to grace this BBS in many many months.

Strange how humankind is often stronger in adversity than in prosperity.

[Edit: D'oh! That'll teach me not to delay submitting my message until after I've made my cuppa! Great minds, Maz...]

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  #57  
Old 07-10-2003, 10:37 AM
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I didn't realise that depression was such a common disease. (Is disease the right word?)

Anyway, sydney eagle and others, I only hope that you get through your dark times so you can appreciate the light that is round the corner.
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Old 07-10-2003, 10:47 AM
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Not a lot to add except support Sydney.

I have a wonderful Spiritual Healer here in Jakarta who has helped me when things have been a bit rough for me - Dad dying, Out of work, Marital problems etc. I am going to see her next week as I've just been diagnosed with osteoporosis and need to chat with her. Helps me by getting me focused and back on track.
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Old 07-10-2003, 10:52 AM
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Sydney / Paul, Can I belatedly add myself to the list of well-wishers. I can't claim to have suffered as you are, but I have suffered from anxiety in the past, which is also caused by a chemical inbalance. Inbalances are fully recoverable from, and I hope you can do you as quickly as possible. Henryhallandhisbasque's example is a great one.
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Old 07-10-2003, 10:56 AM
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I would also like to add my voice of support. I guess hanging in there to use that cliche is the best motto.

To be honest I don't know if I am at the beginning or end of a period of depression as for the last few months I have fluctuated between extreme anxiety and deflation.

I went to seek help last Spring when I was struggling with my dissertation, because literally I was becoming disabled by anxiety. The thing is the anxiety was actually over life in general, and I couldn't care less about the dissertation, but knew I had to talk to someone. I was referred a couple of times and ended up seeing someone at The Priory and then referred again.

Now I have to admit I have a long history of anxiety in that ever since I can remember I have worried about life and death. But I believe that the trigger earlier this year was the decision to put my dog to sleep. To some this may seem trivial but she was a member of the family and after a day of extreme grief and nausea, I just bottled it up and moved on. About 2 months later I went to Auschwitz on a uni trip and could barely handle the plane journeys (inspite of the fact that I've flown loads of times). The experience itself also was evidently a bit harrowing. Then when I went to see an Aunt with Alzheimers, I could hardly contain myself.

The short of it is that I stopped eating, sleeping and doing anything else normally. I felt dizzy a lot, couldn't speak properly and to be honest felt as though I was dying. My family tried to help but often were angry with me telling me to pull myself together or seek other interests.

By the time of my final exams I was sitting there for the first 10 minutes contemplating whether to write or not without having looked at the questions. So panic attacks were also becoming a part of the picture.

Now I was told I was suffering from anxiety and depression as well as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and received counselling, although I refused medication (with the exception of sedatives during my exams). Since then I can now eat again, I drink alcohol again (although I probably shouldn't) etc.

But since finishing uni, coming back from holiday, I've not been able to find a job and I am finding it hard to do anything. Whenever I imagine myself in a serious job I feel excited on one hand but physically weak on the other. I am also waking up in the night a lot still. I hate to think I am in a lull before the next bout. I still have serious OCD sometimes - totally hidden from anyone else barring family members. If anyone has seen Matchstick Men, thats actually a very accurate portrayal by Nicholas Cage, including the comedy aspect!

Anyway since I first saw this thread a few days ago I have been wanting to contribute something and get this off my chest. I am not ashamed in the slightest, but do have a problem with all the chemical imbalance stuff. I find it hard to accept that the last few months of struggle have been over a chemical imbalance - I prefer to view it as a period of growth or something more positive. I suppose the two might not be exclusive of one another, but thats just something that bothers me.
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