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  #61  
Old 07-10-2003, 12:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by dannyturner
...I also feel that by not renewing my season ticket this season and not watching Palace live has helped, as I don't find myself on a massive downer most Saturdays...
I noticed that you were missing... not because your seat has someone else in it but because the profanity count is on the increase
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  #62  
Old 07-10-2003, 12:56 PM
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Paul, I understand what you're going through as I'm going through the same thing. I've been to see two psychiatrists, both of who were awful. One was so bad she spent most of the time glancing at the clock to see how long was left in the session. It's annoying to see that they're not doing more to help.

So I have complete distrust in seeing anyone else (even though I think I need to try again). I'm taking pills and I have up days and down days. Whether they're working or not is anyone's guess.

What I do have though and I'm gradually beginning to see it is I have friends and family who care for me. I'm not saying by any stretch that it is a solution, but it is a comfort when days are dark. The guys and gals on here are bloody amazing too.

Here's to us both (and anyone else that has it) beating it and hopefully the stigma associated with depression going away and people being able to admit openly without fear.

Neil.
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  #63  
Old 07-10-2003, 01:12 PM
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I hope you all get through it, quickly. It sounds awful and I guess you are right that there is a bit of a taboo about bringing this up.
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Old 07-10-2003, 03:36 PM
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I would advise anyone going through the same thing as Paul to try and find a good pschotherapist. They do exist. As Monty said, she was referred to an NHS one who was bloody awful but then found a private one who was quite the reverse. OK, it cost 45 quid a session but I can honestly say that it was probably the best money she has ever spent as she was in a very bad way and totally unrecognisable from the person she is today. It was discovered that all her problems stemmed back to one thing - low self esteem caused by one or two incidents in her earlier years that stayed at the back of her mind until they came out one day with terrible consequences. She was someone who bottled everything up, refused to discuss thngs -like when her brother was tragically killed in a road accident it just all went in. She didnt grieve properly. Then her boss got very ill and she had to run the company for a few months and handle all the stress that came with that. Eventually, all the pressure that had been quietly buiulding up over the years made her snap and it was only by going to see the specialist that she was able to talk about stuff and the woman was able to unravel and reconstruct her mind, making her see things in a different way and not always punish herself mentally or feel generally bad about herself as a person. Trust me, I was as sceptical as the next person until I saw this firsthand. I can't tell you on here how bad things were but I can tell you that it really did save Monty's life, and our relationship and we look back now and almost can't believe the difference in our lives today. Its a huge step to have the courage to go out and open yourself up to a total stranger, but if you find the right person, the results can be way beyond your expectations.
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  #65  
Old 07-10-2003, 04:06 PM
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Re: depression

Quote:
Originally posted by sydney eagle
Ok,I haven't wanted to post this on the BBS BUT I'm not really sure what else to do at the moment.This is not a "I'm pissed so I'll say all types of shit" thread & this is embarrasing enough to admit but I suffer from depression & pretty badly despite my hiding it. I have been able to control it without "outside" help for a LONG time now but it's getting too much.

I used to be a really laid back person but over the last few years I have had 3 major operations,lost most of my friends(of ten years or more),my engagement broke down and the girl I was engaged to can't stand me,I've had a 4 year court battle for workers compensation which has no sign of ending...the list goes on and on...

People who know me and people who I met on the BBS probably saw a well hidden side of me as I cover it well but I really think I've been pushed over the line now,I don't think I can deal with this anymore...I don't feel like trying anymore,I just don't feel anything anymore...I could just care less. I have done everything from taking medication for it to seeing a psychologist but it just gets worse

I'm sorry for involving the BBS in this now but I dont know what else to do but rant on here...I'm not after anything from the BBS,I just have reached boiling point and needed to have my "rant"
I apologise again

Paul (sydney eagle)
I have,nt read the other posts so I hope I,m not repeating to much, but two years ago I suffered from depression and had a nervous breakdown, you must let people love you and help you, DO NOT PUSH them away, you are not alone if you want my number to talk about it you only have to PM me, also never give up IT WILL get better but not overnight, try to get over this without help from tablets.
Also take up a hobby somthing to take your mind off whats bothering you something small like modell building, or writing, anything to keep your self occupied. So good luck and remember we are here for you.
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  #66  
Old 07-10-2003, 10:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Men At Work
I think that's what makes depression so misunderstood because a bloke like Paul - who has his own house and business, talks a lot of sense, listens to the problems of others, has a great sense of self-deprecating humour and is a genuinely good person
How very nice of you Graham

Again I want to reiterate how thankful I am to all thats posted in this thread/PM'ed me,I was hoping to get my thoughts across without seeming like looking for pity/sympathy because thats how it's been taken before & it's the total opposite of what I want,I feel I have to keep reminding everyone of that so it's great you were all supportive.
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  #67  
Old 07-10-2003, 11:12 PM
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Just thought I'd share my story with you. It may, like some of the other stories in this thread, give you some hope. Every cloud really does have a silver lining.

About '95 my best friend killed himself which was devastating. Exactly a year later my mum died of cancer after having been given the green light of remission; horrible. 6 months later my 'Palace' grandad, who I was very close to, died, and I got divorced after my wife admitted to sleeping with one of my best friends. I was also working a job which involved living in one country and working in another, doing a Monday there, Friday back commute, and destroying my social life in the process. Within the space of 2 years my life had turned upside down but I nevertheless managed to get through the next 6 months or so, some how. I do remember feeling like something wasn't quite right though and somewhere in the summer of '98, while on holiday in Spain I suffered my first panic attack. This was the start of a major crisis.

During that holiday I had a couple more panic attacks, including one particularly memorable one in the Alhambra and another severe attack on the highway outside Almeria. Not knowing what they were I passed them off as momentary 'flashbacks' from a misspent childhood and tried to get on with it while continuing to feed the fire of anxiety and depression with coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, different women, drugs, denial, aggression, negativity etc. In the meantime I started to feel continually stranger. I could be in a meeting and suddenly go all cold, start shaking, get cotton mouthed, hyperventilate, suffer chest pains, feel like I was choking, and want to run run run away from the world. It then started to happen in the train, in pubs, in restaurants, on the golf course, at Palace, indoors, outdoors, everywhere.......aaaaah !!! And sometimes 10 times a day for 30 minutes a time.

By this time I was starting to make plans to move to another country (escape !!!!) and by early '99 had moved away from London. After a major panic in the office, in front of colleagues, I took the plunge and consulted a GP. He asked my life history and symptoms etc and told me, after a 3 minute in-depth analysis of the problem, that I was suffering from hyper tension. His miracle cure, beta blockers, to slow my heart down. Interestingly enough, having a panic attack with a cool heart rate of 60 bpm is quite weird, though still terrifying. 2 weeks later I was getting worse and worse and after a big big binge while on holiday in Mallorca I really lost it and kind of collapsed. I was given some nice pink pills by a GP and told to consult a psychologist.

So, my first consultation with Mr shrink ended up with me telling him that I felt overly anxious all the time and was starting to get really really down about it. He instantly prescribed a cure of anti-depressants and benzodiazepines. So that was it then, 28 years to build a problem up and a cocktail of pills to spirit it away. The anti-depressants (Seroxat, an SSRI) weren't so bad, they just made me 'buzz' a little and kind of took the edge off everything and certainly put an end to the bouts of tears I'd been having. The benzodiazepines (Bromazapam = 6 times stronger than valium) however were kind of moreish. I started with a half a day which soon became 1, 2, 3 then 4. Before I knew it I was devouring a pack of 60 in a fortnight and felt grrrrrreat !! Wonderful stuff, no anxiety, no panic, no fear, no depression, no crying, no nothing, and so damn easy to slip back in to everyday life. Back came the parties, the late nights, the philosophical debates and back came the binge drinking. My God, if I'd known how Hendrix had died I might have taken it a bit easier with the booze and tranq cocktails; 12 pints and 50 mg of valium are enough to waste anyone and I am now so thankful to still be here. Of course the worse thing about all this was not dealing with the problem, I was just masking it and the demons were bound to get out sooner or later.

After about a year on mucho mucho pills baby I started to notice that the benzos were no longer having an effect when popped. I had already weened myself off the anti-d's but the little pink pills were becoming a real problem. I had also started to see a new psychiatrist in London, after having moved back, and he was insistent that I had to get off the pills. He was right. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with panic disorder, generalised anxiety and depression and referred me to a cognitive behavioural psychologist for a quick dose of logic. He also, without telling me, wrote to my GP and informed him to stop prescribing me benzo's; he obviously hadn't read anything about drug addiction and withdrawal. Boy was I in for one big cold christas turkey. For the first few months it all went fine; I had a stash of 10's of pink pills amassed over the years and was doing quite nicely on them. The psychologist thing really didn't work though, I was too high to care and feeling too good to really invest any energy in the exercises she gave me.

One nice cool Monday morning just before christmas 2002 I woke up, went to the bathroom to pop a pill and found to my dismay that there were none left. I searched high and low for a secret trove but could find none. Oh well, one quick trip to my GP would sort this little problem out, NOT. He refused a repeat and sent me on my way with a bottle of xanax, a mega powerful fast acting screw your head up benzo. Withdrawal kicked in badly. I was shaking, sweating, crying, choking, hyperventilating, itching, almost blind, couldn't eat, sleep, talk or think. I really thought I was going mental, fact is, I was going more mental; I had already crossed the sanity - insanity frontier a few years back and was making my way merrily down the road to oblivion. Lack of sleep and food led to hallucinations, delusions, paranoia and general hyper nervousness. I was panicking all the time and often considered the final opt out as a real option; Luckily I never did it. I was also suffering from xanax usage and was feeling mega on-edge and kind of dissociated or depersonalised.

During this time I also wasted several days of A&E time with reasonably frequent trips to casualty in the belief that I was having a heart attack, a stroke or a brain seizure. Every measurement always revealed panic and tension and not once was I really in danger of passing to the other side, except by my own hand. I scoured the net for a helpline and found benzo.org, a forum run by a guy who was addicted to the garbage for nigh on 20 years. The kind people on there helped me through the withdrawal, along with a book by a Dr called Ashton who specialises in withdrawal from Benzo's. I switched benzo from xanax to valium, which has a longer half life and is therefore easier to kick. I had also started reading Claire Weekes to get to grips with my anxiety and was seeing a new psychologist who seemed to know what she was talking about. She helped me demystify the anxiety problem and exposed the symptoms of panic as nothing more than a fear reaction to a physical or psychological stressor. She also showed me that it was my reaction to the terrifying symptoms of panic that made it worse. I was afraid of the symptoms and was in fear of the fear; no matter how unique I thought I was, I had a classic text book case. She taught me to relax through the panic and to stop trying to control it and run away from it. Above all she taught me how to remain unafraid and how to have faith in positive thoughts. I had to break the cycle of negative thinking and try to perceive stress and anxiety symptoms just as physical symptoms which were certainly not going to harm me. I also had to stop perpetuating the panic by not doing any of the associated 'safety' behaviours which I had developed over the years to calm myself. I did many exercises and was dilligent to the point of being obsessive, but in the end it started to work. I broke the cycle and severed the association between fear and bodily symptoms. Relief at last.

After 3 months the panic subsided and I was able to start living a normal life again. I started running every morning, stopped drinking, changed my diet, started playing football again, became a vitamine junky and just generally started to live a healthier life. I am now, 5 years after it all started, pretty much cured. Well maybe not cured, but more like at peace with the panic. I have resigned myself to the fact that I may, every now and again, feel a bit stressed, and it's ok not frightening; stress is natural and in fact we need it. The biggest problem for me was the pill addiction and an overdose of very irrational fear. In fact, the only small symptoms I still have are directly attributable to some kind of prolongued withdrawal; they will go eventually.

In terms of how prone we are to suffering from depression and other mental illness there is an equal case for both nature and nurture; we can be born with it or learn it, or can have a genetic predisposition with the illness manifesting it'self, or not, as a result of environment and socialisation. Another truth is that our physiology can affect our psychology, with the reverse also being true; a happy person is often a healthy person and an unhealthy person often unhappy. The old saying 'healthy body, healthy mind' is not incredible. One thing I am sure of is that these illnesses and their underlying supports can also be unlearned and cured. All the best mate and stick at it, you will prevail !!!!!
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Old 07-10-2003, 11:16 PM
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Incidentally, my depression left with the panic. I guess it was caused by the panic.
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Old 08-10-2003, 12:07 AM
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Wow, its really incredible how honest everyone is being and I hope it helps Paul, I really do.

Some of the things you describe AJ1969 is just how I was feeling, it just shows like you say, however unique you think the experience you are having, they are usually text book cases.

What worries me intensely though is that treatment seems to depend on how good your GP is and the Psychologist you end up seeing. I was one of the lucky ones.

One of my best friends is suffering from Post Natal Depression. She has had it for a year now and to the outside world seems so much better, but she feels like she is never going to be herself again. She went to see her GP last week and the doctor said that Nicky was one of the worst cases she had ever seen! And that she was psychotic. Now I am no GP but I know Nicky is not psychotic and no way is she 'one of the worst cases'. Has her GP not heard of mothers killing their children when they are suffering from PND? How dare she give her pseuo-professional viewpoint - she is a GP, a General Practitioner, not a specialist. Unfortunately as a result of this 'diagnosis' Nicky now feels she is psychotic. I was SO angry when she told me about it and I told her husband he should complain, but he said, "What's the point, nothing will get done' and therein lies the problem.

People who need help seek it and end up with crap diagnoses or are referred on to professionals who are just plain bad at their job. Where does that leave the person who is suffering? Feeling even more isolated and withdrawn - that's when the suicidal feelings can kick in and that is terrifying.

I don't know the answer except to refer everyone on to my psyhotherapist, but she may not be able to help everyone, but she certainly did the job for me.
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Last edited by Al From Bromley; 08-10-2003 at 12:15 AM.
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Old 08-10-2003, 12:11 AM
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Oh and what AJ1969 said about diet and lifestyle is so true.

I found that when I exercised it really helped as it raises the serotonin levels in the brain and also I tried not to eat junk food which is really difficult, but the artificial additives in fast food mess with your body and brain.

Try to eat fresh foods - lots of fruit and vegetables and if you can avoid alcohol as again this is a stimulant which really doesn't help the mind.

Avoid coffee or caffeine in general, drink de caf if you need the taste of coffee.

I also took up Yoga which was amazing, it really helped me focus and take time away from the madness of the daily routine which was just stressing me out even more.
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20,000 people screaming the goalscorers name and then singing a quick chorus of one song at the same time is far more 'hairs on the back of the neck' than random jazz hands and an awkward silence.

Last edited by Al From Bromley; 08-10-2003 at 12:15 AM.
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Old 08-10-2003, 03:04 PM
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I dont know what is starting to happen to me as i have said earlier on in the thread im just getting more weirder by the minute.

Yesterday i found out i had no work to go to today which for some point i was gutted, at the minute work seems the only place where i feel useful.Probably seeing girls who i have messed around and liked with other people is messing my head up a bit but when i get in all i get from my mum and dad is moaning and im trying my hardest to stay out of there way, tho when i am inthe same room im trying ever so hard to make them proud of me (iv never put a foot wrong in my life never was expelled from school never been in troulbe with the police.

So this morning at 11am when the pub opened i was straight in there and after 5 pints i decided to take a walk around town BAD decision the girl who i writtten a thread about walked past me said hello and that then my mate took the piss and that, i know its only a girl and iv had a few girlfriends and been turned down a couple of times but this girl was the one for me and its still hurting a bit knowing she only wants to be mates. Other things thats hurting me inside is the it is 6 years soon that my nan died and that affected me alot and i still think about her now and that my only grand parent is looking really bad. the only people i can talk to about this is you lot and 1 mate who himself in the last month has been through a very rough time e.g car crash which we both were in. he got the sack from work got dumped by his girlfriend and got beat up at the footy. i know this aint anything to what paul has had to put up with nor Aj1969 for that matter but my life has never really been great and now my motavation has just hit 0 leval the only thing that i can do is drink alcahol.
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Old 08-10-2003, 10:18 PM
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Monty, yeah, lifestyle changes are soooo important. I ditched the caffeine too and survived on decaf or green tea. I also stopped smoking for quite a while which also helped.

I was a bit hesitant about being so open about this stuff on these boards but hey, part of the problem with these types of illnesses is that one feels so stigmatised and everyone keeps it under wraps. I am now past caring what people think of me and talk quite freely about it which has helped me no end; I no longer feel like it matters if I get a bit stressed out about stuff. In some ways I often think that it's this 'sod it' attitude which brought about the biggest improvement.

Crystal, sorry to hear it's not going too well. All I can really advise, for what it's worth, is to stay focused on what you want and don't want. At the end of the day it's you and only you that is responsible for your wellbeing and you are the master of your own destiny, to a large degree. All these things are of course relative concepts too; some people go under after losing a girlfriend and for others it can take multiple setbacks and many years of hell. Either way the pain can be as bad. Hang in there (not literally)
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Old 08-10-2003, 10:39 PM
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Neil the Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietNeil the Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietNeil the Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietNeil the Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietNeil the Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietNeil the Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietNeil the Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietNeil the Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietNeil the Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietNeil the Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietNeil the Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
No great insights from me here either, but just wanted to send my best wishes to you, Paul.
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Old 09-10-2003, 02:17 AM
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Have looked at this thread a few times, but i can't really comment except to say all the best, ive felt like im depressed at times, a broken leg, 2 redundancies, 5 jobs in about 2 years,mountains of debt, the pressure just builds up.

Paul, i wanna move to Australia, any chance of a job please?!
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Last edited by LLCOOLSTEVE; 09-10-2003 at 02:27 AM.
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Old 09-10-2003, 02:19 AM
The Doctor. The Doctor. is offline
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The Doctor. The Doctor. The Doctor. The Doctor. The Doctor. The Doctor. The Doctor. The Doctor. The Doctor. The Doctor. The Doctor.
I think many of my escapades in relation to this condition, and the various drugs I've been prescribed for it, are pretty well documented elsewhere on here. Still being quite a mess myself I don't yet know if it's something one gets better from, or just get used to, but I wish you well. Everyone here seems to like you so there's clearly hope! Good luck, dude.

You can even borrow Amy Lee on alternate Sundays if it helps
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Old 09-10-2003, 10:04 AM
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sydney eagle sydney eagle is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by LLCOOLSTEVE
Paul, i wanna move to Australia, any chance of a job please?!
Steve,you can have my job if you want,absolutely NO problem at all.


Quote:
Originally posted by The Doctor.

You can even borrow Amy Lee on alternate Sundays if it helps
You have to let go of your obsession with my Amy, Doctor


I saw my psychologist again even though I really hated going there but I really felt I had to go,however this time it was a bit better but to me it's not really helping to solve anything,it's just going over things I already am aware of..I'm well aware of the things/events that are making me this way.

I also recently confided in a close friend of mine who is actually studying to be a psychologist,I trusted her before but I wanted her to speak to me as a friend and not as a "patient" type thing so I was hesitant to tell her but I explained that to her and she has been most helpful(as well as all of you here on the BBS,thanks again everyone,I cannot stress that enough) I don't want to sound over dramatic but you are helping to save me from going downhill fast which I was getting EXTREMELY worried about and at the very least you BBS'ers slowed the depression down immensely and for that I am forever grateful.

P.S Crystal eagle,hope you feel better mate and if I'm learning one thing from this so far from others who have gone through this is don't drink alcohol,it will drag you down further.
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Old 09-10-2003, 12:33 PM
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Wow. This is an inspirational and educational thread, especially for someone like me who thought he was feeling depressed but is actually just having a bad couple of weeks. It also helps me understand better the recent behaviour of someone close to me.

I wish you all well, you are an amazing bunch of people. True supporters.
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Old 09-10-2003, 03:15 PM
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Crystal Eagle1 Crystal Eagle1 is offline
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Crystal Eagle1 will leave the TV and the radio behindCrystal Eagle1 will leave the TV and the radio behindCrystal Eagle1 will leave the TV and the radio behindCrystal Eagle1 will leave the TV and the radio behindCrystal Eagle1 will leave the TV and the radio behindCrystal Eagle1 will leave the TV and the radio behindCrystal Eagle1 will leave the TV and the radio behindCrystal Eagle1 will leave the TV and the radio behindCrystal Eagle1 will leave the TV and the radio behindCrystal Eagle1 will leave the TV and the radio behindCrystal Eagle1 will leave the TV and the radio behind
Cheers for the help lads

I no its nothing to what some people are going through, but its weird because on the outside im a person who you would really think has not much feelings and i dont think half my friends have cought onto that but inside its like im a totally different person, for example when im down watching Burton Albion, Crystal Palace with friends and socialising in General im just normal but when something goes wrong i dont mean a bad day at work or owt coz thats life, but something that effects me (Family mostly ,Girls,Football and stuff) it really gets me down so i turn to the drink which i can tell you at the time is great but you wake up the next morning and totally regret it which i did last friday and last nite.
I found all this out by talking to my mate last night who i mentioned in my previous post in this thread and hes been through alot aswell, though he said move on in life there plenty more fish in the sea and stuff he does know where im coming when you like i girl properly its hard to clear her from you memory like that. But after some time on my own in the last couple of days iv tried to stop feeling sorry for myself, ok its already had its up and down and yes i have turned to the drink not because i wanted to just so that it would take my mind of things for a bit, though i have started to go out with friends alot more its taking my mind off the things thats making me a wreck and in many ways thats helping.

I know like i say its hardly nothing but its life and many people take various things alot differntly thats why we are all different, thanks to those people who understand im trying to get better at dealing with the past two weeks and slowy but surely i think im getting there bit by bit
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By the way im the original Crystal Eagle but my first acount f*cked up :bash:
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Old 09-10-2003, 03:39 PM
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Gosling came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietGosling came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietGosling came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietGosling came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietGosling came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietGosling came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietGosling came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietGosling came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietGosling came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietGosling came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietGosling came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
At the risk of sounding melodramatic, here is a sonnet I wrote 6 years ago (two years after a failed suicide attempt, and in a period of my life when I was just emerging from a very severe depression. I hope this comes across.). It might explain some of my feelings at the time.

Suicide Bomber

How gloriously perfect would it be
To curse with dying breath my mortal foe?
A pyrotechnic scream, an elegy
To sing into their hearts and make them know
My sleeping anger and my waking pain
Have dug a pit of desperation here.
This would be the last link in the chain,
The crown jewel of a masterful career
And I would die a martyr to the world.
They would mourn the passing of their son,
Bemoan their lack of feeling for this child,
And in this vengeance, victory is won.
But no. Electric wires never hold
That sweet release. They keep the truth untold.
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I just whistle the Match of the Day theme tune and think of Palace.
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Old 09-10-2003, 03:48 PM
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fieldy is off to the club shop to look for a Palace duvet coverfieldy is off to the club shop to look for a Palace duvet coverfieldy is off to the club shop to look for a Palace duvet coverfieldy is off to the club shop to look for a Palace duvet coverfieldy is off to the club shop to look for a Palace duvet coverfieldy is off to the club shop to look for a Palace duvet coverfieldy is off to the club shop to look for a Palace duvet coverfieldy is off to the club shop to look for a Palace duvet coverfieldy is off to the club shop to look for a Palace duvet coverfieldy is off to the club shop to look for a Palace duvet coverfieldy is off to the club shop to look for a Palace duvet cover
It's amazing what you can get from the BBS, who needs counsellers, pyschcologists, or private health, you can get all the advice you need right here at To view the link you have to Register or Login

Think I'll try another thread, this one's starting to make me feel "fed up"
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