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  #81  
Old 25-10-2001, 05:11 PM
RobbieB RobbieB is offline
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It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for IEP500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Irish whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what togive you.

He said, 'F**k him, give him a fiver". The breakfast was my idea.
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  #82  
Old 26-10-2001, 02:01 PM
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Alan Curbishley was driving up the M1 AT 90mph. He gets pulled over by the police and the copper said "you were speeding thats 3 points" "can i do it again?" said curbs
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  #83  
Old 26-10-2001, 03:28 PM
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charltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Quote:
Originally posted by MARKOFBLOCKB
Alan Curbishley was driving up the M1 AT 90mph. He gets pulled over by the police and the copper said "you were speeding thats 3 points" "can I do it again?" said curbs
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  #84  
Old 30-10-2001, 01:29 AM
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charltonhater charltonhater is offline
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charltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietcharltonhater came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse checked into a luxury hotel.

Minnie: I really fancy a shag, but only if you wear a condom.
Donald: Where am I going to find a condom at 2am?
Minnie: Well you'd better look now if you want the good stuff.

So Donald went down to reception to begin the search.

Donald: Excuse me, do you have any condoms?
Hotel Manager: Certainly sir, would you like me to put it on your bill?
Donald: What do you think I am, a f***ing pervert?
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  #85  
Old 30-10-2001, 03:49 PM
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Mickey Mouse goes to court to file for divorce with Minnie. The judge said you can't divorce her because she has big teeth. "i didn't say she had big teeth, I said she's f**king Goofy
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  #86  
Old 30-10-2001, 04:00 PM
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An old couple go in to McDonalds and order 1 hamburger 1 portion of fries and 1 coca cola. they sit at the table and the man starts sharing the food 50/50. A young man walks over to them and said "i couldn't help notice that you are sharing one meal and i would like to offer to buy you another meal" The old man said "no thanks we have been married for 70 years and we share everything". the young man then notices that the man is tucking in to his half whilst the wife is staring at her food. He once again aproaches the old couple and said to the lady "I couldn't help notice that you are not eating your food" "I am just waiting for the teeth" replied the old lady
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  #87  
Old 30-10-2001, 08:07 PM
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A vicar is having a bath when he feels the need to have a w**k. He shut his eyes and started the business. He finally shot his load and opened his eyes. To his amazement the window cleaner was at the window looking disgusted. A short while later there is a knock at the door and it was the window cleane. Clearly embaressed the vicar said "how much do i owe you" "50" replied the window cleaner "50 that a bit exspensive" said the vicar "well if you don't want the whole town to know about your antics i suggest you pay" so the vicar pays up. Later on that evening the bishop visited him for afternoon tea. They both sit down and the bishop said "your windows are very clean who done that for you?" "a man from the village cleans them" replied the vicar. "How much did that cost you then?" asked the bishop "50" came the reply "50" said the bishop "he must have seen you coming"

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  #88  
Old 01-11-2001, 03:48 PM
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WIFE: "I want to get a breast enlargement and it costs 3,500"
HUSBAND: "I can't afford that why don't use just rub toilet roll between them?"
WIFE: Does that work then?"
HUSBAND: "Well it worked wonders on your arse"
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  #89  
Old 01-11-2001, 03:50 PM
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HUSBAND: "Darling you remind me of the sea"
WIFE: "Because I am wild, tempestuous and romantic"
HUSBAND: "No because you make me sick
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  #90  
Old 01-11-2001, 09:49 PM
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What is green and smells like paint?

Green paint


classic
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  #91  
Old 01-11-2001, 09:57 PM
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Ouch that Hurt! endeavours to be what they aspire to appearOuch that Hurt! endeavours to be what they aspire to appearOuch that Hurt! endeavours to be what they aspire to appearOuch that Hurt! endeavours to be what they aspire to appearOuch that Hurt! endeavours to be what they aspire to appearOuch that Hurt! endeavours to be what they aspire to appearOuch that Hurt! endeavours to be what they aspire to appearOuch that Hurt! endeavours to be what they aspire to appearOuch that Hurt! endeavours to be what they aspire to appearOuch that Hurt! endeavours to be what they aspire to appearOuch that Hurt! endeavours to be what they aspire to appear
What do Millwall fans do for halloween?

Pump Kin
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  #92  
Old 01-11-2001, 10:20 PM
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what's going wrong today?
 
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OK.....
What is hairy on the outside?
Wet on the inside?
Begins with C and ends in T?
Has a U and an N in it?





A coconut of course!
I know what you were thinking - you filthy lot!
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  #93  
Old 02-11-2001, 02:59 PM
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Feather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Reading and, trying to
make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is
a
Reading fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Reading
fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The
teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?"


"Because I'm not a Reading fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Reading fan,
then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Chelsea fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Chelsea fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from the London, and my mum is a Chelsea fan
and
my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason
for
you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of
the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict
and a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Millwall fan."
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  #94  
Old 02-11-2001, 03:39 PM
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MARKOFBLOCKB MARKOFBLOCKB is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Feather
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Reading and, trying to
make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is
a
Reading fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Reading
fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The
teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?"


"Because I'm not a Reading fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Reading fan,
then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Chelsea fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Chelsea fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from the London, and my mum is a Chelsea fan
and
my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason
for
you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of
the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict
and a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Millwall fan."
Superb

Keep em rolling people
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  #95  
Old 05-11-2001, 02:41 PM
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MARKOFBLOCKB MARKOFBLOCKB is offline
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Standing at a urinal, a man notices he's being watched by a midget. Although the midget is staring at him the man doesn't feel uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder over to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow" sais the midget "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen". Surprised and flattered the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. But the little man stops him. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request" said the midget "but would you mind if I touched your balls?" "I suppose there is no harm in that" said the man. The midget reaches out and tightly grabs the mans balls and said "hand over your wallet or I will jump"
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  #96  
Old 06-11-2001, 12:17 AM
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NO1FAN NO1FAN is offline
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NO1FAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineNO1FAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineNO1FAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineNO1FAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineNO1FAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineNO1FAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineNO1FAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineNO1FAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineNO1FAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineNO1FAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineNO1FAN : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
This one made me laugh!

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  #97  
Old 06-11-2001, 03:22 PM
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MARKOFBLOCKB MARKOFBLOCKB is offline
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MARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fine
Quote:
Originally posted by NO1FAN
This one made me laugh!

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Superb
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  #98  
Old 06-11-2001, 04:21 PM
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Feather Feather is offline
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Feather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they
are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points
out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be
continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."
So, the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to
check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So,
one of the other monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears
sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk
leaning over one of the original books crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"The word is celebrate" sobs the old monk.
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Old 06-11-2001, 04:22 PM
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Feather Feather is offline
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Feather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineFeather : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
Two Essex birds walk into a department store, and walk up to the
perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her
wrist and smells it:
"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help."Viens a moi", ladies is
French for "come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying:
"That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
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  #100  
Old 06-11-2001, 07:57 PM
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MARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fineMARKOFBLOCKB is happy as a lark and everything is fine
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she pauses for a moment and then confesses, "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?" Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
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