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  #21  
Old 12-01-2020, 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by JJ View Post
A few years ago the then gf and I were visiting one of her friends. We started talking about going for dinner when I said 'I'm so hungry my stomach thinks my throat's been cut.' As soon as I said it I remembered that only a few weeks previously her brother had committed suicude in prison by garotting himself.
I feel terrible for chuckling at that one!
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  #22  
Old 12-01-2020, 08:41 PM
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I congratulated a lady on her choice of perfume genuinely thinking it was nice only to be told thank you buts it a kitchen aerosol spray. oops!
I've done that before except it was toilet air freshner.
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  #23  
Old 12-01-2020, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by ExiledStirling View Post
My eye caught a rather good looking blonde on the front cover. So I said to him, she is alright, but having taken a second look, added, a bit tarty looking though.

It was his girlfriend. The look he shot me told me he wanted to do nothing else in that moment in time than knock me spark out.
I can think or two similarish work stories like that...

A bloke was hawking around his local Young Farmers magazine which featured a prize draw - I said I'd take the whole lot as long as I didn't win the munter on the front.... Yep, it was his wife.

We transferred offices and a nice young man was giving us a tour of the building / departments - after introducing us to the Helpdesk and out of earshot two or three of us all agreed that the supervisor had the biggest hooters we'd ever seen - "that's my sister" was his reply.
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  #24  
Old 13-01-2020, 03:21 AM
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Went over to a young female colleague’s house after she’d just had a baby. Usual cooing at baby and chatting about how she was doing. I noticed a framed picture sat on the table of the newborn being cradled by an adult at the hospital. I picked it up and said, ‘aww what a cute picture - is that your mum (with the baby)’, she looked at me totally offended....’No, it’s me’.

The picture was clearly taken just after the birth and she had no make up on and looked, well...a bit rough...older some would say. Well maybe not say, some would think, but I said it. Another colleague who was also there couldn’t stifle her giggles. Felt terrible and could see it really bothered her. Still cringe whenever I think of it now.
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  #25  
Old 13-01-2020, 04:43 AM
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I picked up an elderly woman in my cab
"Can I sit in the front please" she asked
"Only if you behave yourself" I joked
She was not a happy bunny at all
Last time I made that joke
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  #26  
Old 13-01-2020, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by bubbs11 View Post
I was at my local Tesco’s doing my weekly shop. The cashier was running my items through and at the end she handed me a flyer. It was advertising the release of a CD by Keith Jack - a singer from the area in Scotland I live and famous at the time as he’d come second a couple of years back in that reality TV talent show ‘Any Dream Will Do’. I looked at it and laughed and cynically said, ‘Is he still trying to hawk his rubbish about?’ The cashier’s face dropped and said, ‘He’s my son.’

It was at that moment i suddenly rememberd that Keith Jack had actually worked at that particular Tesco’s and his mum still does. Felt terrible and tried to pathetically turn it round by saying how much I actually admired her son for the bravery of putting himself through such a nerve wracking experience, but it didn’t wash with her; she could hardly look at me, so I paid up, took my receipt and shuffled off slowly. Always avoided her aisle after that.
There was a similar story in the Athletic about a woman watching Leeds and saying they needed to upgrade some players like Bamford as they weren't good enough. One of the guys she's talking to says he has "a different viewpoint"... yes, it was Bamford's dad.
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  #27  
Old 13-01-2020, 08:32 AM
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when I was little I shook the hand and said “how do you do” to a mannequin in BHS in the Whitgift only to get an answer very well thanks I jumped out of my skin. My mum still goes on about that 40 odd years later
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  #28  
Old 13-01-2020, 08:40 AM
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Originally Posted by redandblue View Post
when I was little I shook the hand and said “how do you do” to a mannequin in BHS in the Whitgift only to get an answer very well thanks I jumped out of my skin. My mum still goes on about that 40 odd years later
My son did something similar recently, he kicked what he thought was a model at holmebush Crawley. I suspect we'll be talking about that in 40 years time
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  #29  
Old 13-01-2020, 08:51 AM
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Most of my foot in the mouth moments happened when I worked at Chessington World of Adventures in my yoof.

Here’s a couple...I was operating the rameses revenge ride, bars go up, punters file off and a new batch come on. Sit down and the bloke doing the bars can’t get them down and locked. I identify one lady in the middle and she looked pregnant...so being the senior ride person of the day I walk up to her and tell her that the rides not suitable for expectant mothers...you can guess the rest...but we still couldn’t get the bars down and she had to leave.

Another time operating the vampire we had some new staff working on the loading platform, being shown the ropes. Trying to kill time between trains I called over one of the offloading team....”hey Rob, you know where her eyebrow ring would look good” pointing to this new girl, who was stunning....”right here, in my lap, going up and down” awkward silence and angry look from Rob.”that’s my older sister Rick!”

Strangely I never got on with Rob after that, or get together with his sister
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  #30  
Old 13-01-2020, 09:07 AM
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I was at a birthday party, albeit a little drunk, when I saw a rather large lady looking over the pieces of cake. I assumed she was looking for a large slice so helpfully pointed out the biggest slice I could see. She turned round and said that she was looking for a small slice as she was on a diet. Oh well, I tried my best!
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  #31  
Old 13-01-2020, 09:08 AM
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When I worked at Homebase, we had a machine that printed the cheque, and the customer just signed it. I used to give them the pen straight after they gave me the cheque so they could write out their stub of the cheque they just pulled out. One customer handed me a cheque.. I handed him the pen as I took cheque and said “that’s for your stub while I print the check”.
He was a amputee. Luckily his wife/gf giggled and it defused the situation.

We also had to wear these tight green dungarees there... me and a mate used to stick football socks down our pants so people thought we were packing some huge tool in our pants.

I’ve used the above trick at a fancy dress party when I was dressed as Batman.
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  #32  
Old 13-01-2020, 09:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reps AJ View Post
There was a similar story in the Athletic about a woman watching Leeds and saying they needed to upgrade some players like Bamford as they weren't good enough. One of the guys she's talking to says he has "a different viewpoint"... yes, it was Bamford's dad.
I was in the Blackburn seats at Selhurst when we played them on NYE one year - might have been the year they won the title.

Chris Sutton was playing for them & had just been outed as a 'love rat'. I was banging on about his disgraceful behaviour when it was gently pointed out to me that his girlfriend, sat directly behind me, was in floods of tears.
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  #33  
Old 13-01-2020, 10:05 AM
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At a party and I pointed out what a beautiful arse that this lady had with the long brunette hair that nearly touched her butt,my bosses son said"that's a mate of mine do you want to meet him "...

He came over and laughed saying he always get that
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  #34  
Old 13-01-2020, 11:01 AM
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A while ago I was chatting with colleague/ friend (at the time) at work and he was letting me know his partner had an interview for another job (she had recently been let go by us).

My instant reply to him (literally couldn't stop it, one of those slow motion can't stop mouth engaging) was Jesus ******* Christ they must be desperate, cue awkward tumbleweed silence and him storming off, never quite been the same since
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  #35  
Old 13-01-2020, 01:01 PM
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Around 2001, I worked in the City, really good team and we all got on really well. Would wind each other up and have a laugh. One of my team members was winding me up about something (probably Palace as he was a Spuds fan) and I just picked up the first thing that came to hand and threw it at him. Yep, it was a banana. I don't really need to add any more detail.....
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  #36  
Old 13-01-2020, 03:30 PM
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On a works night out a few years ago we started the evening by going over to a colleagues flat for a few drinks before heading into town. He was new to the team, a nice guy and wanted to host as that way we could all get to know him a little better.

A few of us were sat around in his living room and we're a few drinks in when there was a lull in the conversation...to stop things getting awkward I was racking my brain to get some sort of conversation back on track. I started to scan the room searching for a conversation starter...I then saw a photo of him sat next to someone at some sort of sporting event...looked like a cricket venue.

"Who's that bloke you're with at the cricket in this photo then mate?" I asked

"My Mum" was his icy reply. The room fell silent.

Wasn't invited around again.
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  #37  
Old 13-01-2020, 08:01 PM
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There was a similar story in the Athletic about a woman watching Leeds and saying they needed to upgrade some players like Bamford as they weren't good enough. One of the guys she's talking to says he has "a different viewpoint"... yes, it was Bamford's dad.
I did the same thing in the Players Lounge seats at Palace... I admonished Shefki Kuqi along the lines of, "F*cking useless bonehead - he's useless, like a lump of meat with two eyes... get him off the pitch!!!" - only for about 10 of his family in the row directly in front of me to turn round and glare at me... some big lumps in there as well
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  #38  
Old 13-01-2020, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Bizarro View Post
My son did something similar recently, he kicked what he thought was a model at holmebush Crawley. I suspect we'll be talking about that in 40 years time
Ahh how generations change first it was was “how do you do” now it’s a kick
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  #39  
Old 13-01-2020, 11:37 PM
Eastern Boy Eastern Boy is offline
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2 rather un-PC ones, so apologies in advance but they were both in the 80s!

Young really attractive, early 20s girl comes from another office to help for a week due to shortage of staff. I get chatting, and being both sociable and putting her at ease, I start chatting. This was how the conversation went.
"Yeah I've been to your office a couple of times, mainly for meetings". Bill's a good laugh, very obviously gay and I think he fancies me, giving me the eye not that I'm interested. But he's ok.
I've even heard there are a couple of girls there who are a bit over fond of each other. Not that I've met them, but I've seen them from a distance, both got really long hair, about your length I reckon..."

And so I bang on completely oblivious until she eventually says " I'm actually one of those girls ". At that stage I just wanted the ground to swallow me up, loads of apologies but she was ok about it.

2nd one.

Early 80s, me and my mate walked into his front room, were his younger brother and his mate who were about 14, were watching Top of the Pops. On comes Break Dancing, they start body popping. I come up with one I thought was a classic pisstake, expecting much laughter in direction of the younger brothers mate. "Oy, you look like a right epileptic mate". Instead of much laughter, tumbleweed. Ok, I thought, obviously not as funny as I thought. Individual sits back down, staring at telly, face like thunder. Behind his back the younger brother is pointing at him and mouthing "he is one". Cue 2nd apology.
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Old 14-01-2020, 01:07 AM
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Many years ago, someone at my place was interviewing a candidate for a job. The candidates name was X ( an infamous murderer.) "I hope you're not related to THAT X" said the interviewer. "Well actually he is my uncle, " came the reply - oops!
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