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  #41  
Old 14-01-2020, 02:26 AM
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averity came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietaverity came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietaverity came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietaverity came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietaverity came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietaverity came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietaverity came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietaverity came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietaverity came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietaverity came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietaverity came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Was at the snooker final in York, at the intervals there wasn’t much to do theyre so we booked a restaurant and had a drink and some food, when we finished the food a couple came over and asked if we mind them sitting with us. We said no and got chatting, the lady said to me do you know Sam allardyce and I said his name is big fat Sam love and he’s a muppet, then went on a rant about when they’re keeper got mom at West Ham and we battered them and he said we parked the bus. Turns out it was his sister in law lol.
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  #42  
Old 14-01-2020, 09:22 AM
Johnybegood Johnybegood is online now
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Originally Posted by A Wooden Fish On Wheels View Post
I did the same thing in the Players Lounge seats at Palace... I admonished Shefki Kuqi along the lines of, "F*cking useless bonehead - he's useless, like a lump of meat with two eyes... get him off the pitch!!!" - only for about 10 of his family in the row directly in front of me to turn round and glare at me... some big lumps in there as well
I had one of these done to me when I used to play rugby. One game I played terribly, couldnt hit a pass, knocked on about 5 times, just one of those games. After the game (which we still managed to win) a guy comes up to the coach and says "you've got the makings of a pretty good side there, if you could find a half decent no: 9 you could do alright. "Thanks for that" said the coach "and this is no:9's father" (he had been talking to my dad).

And one I still cringe about.
Was in New York and had a meeting with a fund manager. They were all Hassidic Jews in full traditional dress: wide brimmed hats, long black coats etc. They walked in to the meeting room shook hands, normal pleasantries, then one of them turned on the air con, which was immediately loud with strangely filled the air with what seemed like steam (strange air con). "Jeez" I said "what are you trying to do, gas us!?!".....oh Errrrm....errrrm....
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  #43  
Old 14-01-2020, 01:28 PM
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JJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
A few years ago before emigrating to Aus and while still working in Lloyd's, I was walking past the rostrum and saw a mate sitting on one of the seats. I walked round behind him and cuffed him on the head. He turned round with a glare and wasn't who I thought he was.
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  #44  
Old 14-01-2020, 02:27 PM
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Many years ago on a train with a few mates , we were talking about a local girl who let’s say ‘put it about a bit ‘.Someone asked who she was going out with , I replied Arthur , Arthur who my mate said , arf of Windsor I replied.We all laughed until the bloke sitting behind us stood up ‘actually you bunch of wankers she’s going out with me ‘
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  #45  
Old 14-01-2020, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Johnybegood View Post
I had one of these done to me when I used to play rugby. One game I played terribly, couldnt hit a pass, knocked on about 5 times, just one of those games. After the game (which we still managed to win) a guy comes up to the coach and says "you've got the makings of a pretty good side there, if you could find a half decent no: 9 you could do alright. "Thanks for that" said the coach "and this is no:9's father" (he had been talking to my dad).

And one I still cringe about.
Was in New York and had a meeting with a fund manager. They were all Hassidic Jews in full traditional dress: wide brimmed hats, long black coats etc. They walked in to the meeting room shook hands, normal pleasantries, then one of them turned on the air con, which was immediately loud with strangely filled the air with what seemed like steam (strange air con). "Jeez" I said "what are you trying to do, gas us!?!".....oh Errrrm....errrrm....

If that is true then we have a winner. What an awkward meeting that must have been.
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  #46  
Old 14-01-2020, 02:45 PM
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Working at Sainsbury' about 25 years ago with a couple of black lads who were twins. I went to make a joke in front of a customer about how I couldn't tell them apart, but instead of ending the gag with a description of how they both looked the same, blurted out instead that 'they all looked the same'.

Cue wide eyed looks from both twins and the customer and me mumbling something about getting my words mixed up and that it was definitely not intended as a racist slur.
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  #47  
Old 14-01-2020, 03:07 PM
Johnybegood Johnybegood is online now
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Originally Posted by 9Freedman9 View Post
If that is true then we have a winner. What an awkward meeting that must have been.
Oh how I wish it wasn't true,
the guys from my company were also Jewish (orthodox) and even they cringed and wanted the ground to swallow me up, took the pi$$ out of me for months
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  #48  
Old 14-01-2020, 03:26 PM
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Will not say who but walked into a family members house who in one paper referred to him as the axe man of London(bit over the top) and another member was with the Richardson gang in the old days(so he said) anyways a bloke was sitting there who I did not know...Family member started chatting then asked if I knew this Copper in Croydon giving me his name ...So I went off on one bent as feck,nick's people for stuff his doing himself and on top lives with a fecking traffic warden I heard.....Yep it was said copper sitting on the settee smiling back at me. Got up called them knobs and walked out
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  #49  
Old 14-01-2020, 03:40 PM
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ExiledStirling ExiledStirling is offline
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Originally Posted by Les Butler View Post
Will not say who but walked into a family members house who in one paper referred to him as the axe man of London(bit over the top) and another member was with the Richardson gang in the old days(so he said) anyways a bloke was sitting there who I did not know...Family member started chatting then asked if I knew this Copper in Croydon giving me his name ...So I went off on one bent as feck,nick's people for stuff his doing himself and on top lives with a fecking traffic warden I heard.....Yep it was said copper sitting on the settee smiling back at me. Got up called them knobs and walked out
How long afterwards did you get a ticket for parking in your drive and points on your license after a big gust of wind caused a truncheon to take out a rear brake light?
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  #50  
Old 14-01-2020, 03:47 PM
Johnybegood Johnybegood is online now
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Another one I was the recipient of:
About 15 years ago I brought my new girlfriend (now wife) to a family function. She was a bit nervous etc.
My aunt (by marriage) has a history of putting her foot in it, noticed what my GF was wearing (a faux shabby fur jacket). My aunt thought she would break the ice with "Oh you know what they used to say in Paris.....fur coats, no knickers!"
Ahem. Excuse me....
My GF said a bit later "who the f#ck is she?"
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  #51  
Old 14-01-2020, 03:57 PM
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Les Butler Les Butler is offline
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How long afterwards did you get a ticket for parking in your drive and points on your license after a big gust of wind caused a truncheon to take out a rear brake light?
Nahh,went out to dinner with them the same night once the piss taking was over but other than that stayed well away from that sort of thing,never was my cup of tea.
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  #52  
Old 14-01-2020, 05:48 PM
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My first job was at a printers when I was 16. There was a primary school at the top of the road, and through the window you’d see the parents taking their kids to school and back every day. One day a colleague pointed out a particular yummy mummy and told me that one of the guys in the department upstairs, was having an affair with her.

I got to know one of the guys from upstairs, Al, as he was big into football too; an older, cool bloke who I looked up to, and one day he was down on our floor delivering something. I got chatting, and as we were, I noticed the yummy mummy passing by the window, so in an attempt to impress him and not even thinking, thought I’d divulge the hot secret I knew; ‘Don’t tell anyone Al, but see that mum there? She’s getting knobbed by one the blokes upstairs.’ ‘Is she?’ Al said stony faced.

A few days later I happened to look out of the window and saw the yummy mummy in question having a rather intimate conversation with Al, and I started getting this horrible sinking feeling as I recalled what I’d said to him. I quickly went to my colleague who told me the secret in the first place and asked, ‘Is it Al who’s having the affair with that mum?’, he said ‘yeah why?’, so I told him. He didn’t stop laughing for the rest of the day.
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