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  #1281  
Old 23-05-2019, 11:11 AM
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wighteagle wighteagle is offline
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wighteagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minewighteagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minewighteagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minewighteagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minewighteagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minewighteagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minewighteagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minewighteagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minewighteagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minewighteagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of minewighteagle : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
Couldn't agree more. You can't beat a wicked joke!
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  #1282  
Old 23-05-2019, 11:25 AM
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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He’s a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh, so sad, dear" says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He’s a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh, gracious me…" says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He’s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "They blow up so fast these days, don’t they?"
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  #1283  
Old 23-05-2019, 03:14 PM
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GeeTee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGeeTee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGeeTee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGeeTee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGeeTee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGeeTee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGeeTee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGeeTee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGeeTee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGeeTee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineGeeTee : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
Nice little joke on Children's BBC this morning

"My Dad's just taken over the running of Old McDonald's Farm.

He's the CEEIO"
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  #1284  
Old 23-05-2019, 06:55 PM
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A man walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia.
The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
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  #1285  
Old 23-05-2019, 07:08 PM
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Skintagain Skintagain is online now
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What weighs 10 tons and hides in a cherry tree.
.
.
.
.
.
An elephant with red nail varnish.
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  #1286  
Old 23-05-2019, 07:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Isle of Wight View Post
Where have all the bad taste jokes gone? We have all become far to sensitive.
and illiterate
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  #1287  
Old 23-05-2019, 10:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skintagain View Post
What weighs 10 tons and hides in a cherry tree.
.
.
.
.
.
An elephant with red nail varnish.
I prefer 'why do elephants paint their toenails red?' ' so they can hide in cherry trees'

'Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?' 'No' 'Shows it works'

Or the slightly ruder 'why do elephants paint their testicles red'?' 'so they can hide in cherry trees'. 'what is the loudest noise in the jungle?' 'cherry picking'
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I cycled to and from every Palace Premier League match, plus four cup games, in 2016-17 to raise money for the wonderful Contact charity, who support families with disabled children.

Read more about it here https://cyclingtheseason.wordpress.com

And read more about Contact here www.contact.org.uk
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  #1288  
Old 11-06-2019, 07:55 PM
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John Bishop joke
My wife is from Manchester, so obviously our kids are mixed race!
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  #1289  
Old 13-06-2019, 08:22 AM
Oldtown Eagle Oldtown Eagle is offline
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Oldtown Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOldtown Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOldtown Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOldtown Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOldtown Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOldtown Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOldtown Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOldtown Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOldtown Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOldtown Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietOldtown Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
What do call an Eskimo in a Burberry coat?
An Inuit init.
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  #1290  
Old 13-06-2019, 08:27 AM
biggus mickus biggus mickus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skintagain View Post
What weighs 10 tons and hides in a cherry tree.
.
.
.
.
.
An elephant with red nail varnish.
So bad, I repped you.
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The party on the left, are now the party on the right.

Only people with their own hair, need to apply.


Hell is coming to breakfast.
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  #1291  
Old 13-06-2019, 08:44 AM
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What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?

Anyone can Roast Beef.
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  #1292  
Old 13-06-2019, 07:17 PM
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Going round asda with the wife , I noticed Stella on offer 12 tins for a tenner , so i put them in the trolley. What you doing she said? 12 for a tenner I said, it's a bargain ! We can't afford it she said, put it back . So I did . Two aisles on she's popped a 20 quid face cream in the trolley . What you doing I said ? That's 20 quid !! We can't afford it . I know she said but it makes me look beautiful and sexy . So does 12 cans of Stella I said. Put it back !
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  #1293  
Old 13-06-2019, 08:05 PM
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I bought the wife a pair of slippers and a vibrator for her birthday. If she didn't like the slippers...she can go fu*k herself..
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She wanted to see Paris, you took her to see Palace. She wanted Chanel No5, you gave her Kronenbourg 1664. She wanted appreciation, you gave her the clap.
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  #1294  
Old 13-06-2019, 09:46 PM
KYLIE MINEAGLE KYLIE MINEAGLE is offline
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What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg.
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  #1295  
Old 17-06-2019, 02:16 PM
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Skintagain Skintagain is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by biggus mickus View Post
So bad, I repped you.
If you liked that you'll love this.


What's orange and comes out of the ground at 150miles per hour.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
An E-type carrot.
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  #1296  
Old 20-06-2019, 09:58 PM
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Adlerhorst Adlerhorst is offline
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“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group for a wedding?”

“Do you mean a choir?”

“Urgh, fine. Do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group for a wedding?”
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The Defector looks like no other breaking pitch in the game. It is well-supinated, leaving the right hand of Fernandez at a fastball trajectory before the laws of physics cease to apply and the laws of awesome take over.
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  #1297  
Old 20-06-2019, 11:40 PM
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eieieio eieieio is offline
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eieieio will miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up wormseieieio will miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up wormseieieio will miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up wormseieieio will miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up wormseieieio will miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up wormseieieio will miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up wormseieieio will miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up wormseieieio will miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up wormseieieio will miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up wormseieieio will miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up wormseieieio will miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
Whats the similarity between a pigs tail and getting up at 5am in the morning?

- They're both twirly

Last edited by eieieio; 23-06-2019 at 06:58 AM.
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  #1298  
Old 16-07-2019, 07:55 AM
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Who are the coolest blokes at the hospital?

The ultrasound guys
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A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
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  #1299  
Old 16-07-2019, 07:56 AM
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How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
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A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
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  #1300  
Old 16-07-2019, 07:57 AM
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A man goes to his psychiatrist.

"Doctor, you've got to help me," he says. "I keep thinking that I'm a well-known psychoanalyst."

"How long has this been going on?" asks the shrink.

"Well," the man replies, "it all started when I was Jung..."
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