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  #1  
Old 12-02-2019, 04:59 PM
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Disastrous Dates

I can't believe this hasn't been done on here before, but - as proposed by El Aguila and seconded by Golf Boy - this is the thread to recount your dating disasters, whether single events or a sequence. And since I was asked to kick it off, I'll contribute a very tame one, which is all I can immediately remember after the passage of years:

Sitting at my office, minding my own business, one day the 'phone rang. On answering a female voice said that she was a work colleague of a female friend (who was renting a room at my home at the time) and would I like to go out for dinner one evening ? Reasoning that my friend was very unlikely to stitch me up, I accepted with all the coolness I could muster (probably not much). I quizzed my friend that evening, who was a little evasive, but assured me that my mysterious date was very attractive. Given that she sounded very up-market, I booked somewhere nice to go (the Criterion on Piccadilly Circus, if memory serves me correctly) and turned up bang on time. Initial impressions were good - she was very attractive and charming. However, the evening started to go downhill when I realised that she wasn't looking at her menu - when I asked why, she said that she suffered from food envy, so would just have what I was having. At this point, I must have sought confidence in couple of quick glasses because I then received a lecture on how she didn't drink - for the wholly-understandable reason, tbf, that both her parents were alcoholics. This left me in something of a quandary because I had already ordered a bottle of something nice and was of an age where I hated "wasting" drink on principle. I therefore tried to surreptitiously drink the entire bottle myself quickly to get it out of the way which, with hindsight, was the wrong thing to do, because not only was it probably more obvious to my companion than I fondly believed, but my fine sense of judgement may have become a little cloudy. Although I thought we were having a great time, my companion became more and more edgy, to the point that I realised she was actually rather odd (although my own behaviour was undoubtedly not helping). She also, clearly, did not like my food taste, which led me to, belatedly, fear that she may also have suffered from an eating disorder. My efforts to make light conversation were becoming more and more strained, and I soon abandoned my original idea to take her on to a second venue. Finally, as I walked her to a cab, more out of politeness than anything I asked her if she would like to meet up again, and was very firmly put back in my box.

My friend was very apologetic when I returned home, explaining that the girl had pestered her for my number despite having never met me. That was my first and only experience of a blind date.

Hopefully others can come up with more interesting revelations from their youth. For some reason, I am particularly fearful of contributions we may get from little Al & Stella ...
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:12 PM
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And you've been happily married to her ever since?
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:18 PM
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Ah the old blind date. Nice start, Richard.

I have had plenty of disastrous dates and some random times at uni waking up in a stranger's bed with no memory of how I got there. Probably most mortifying was when I was 15.

My friend Tom's older sister was gorgeous, nearly 17. I had spent the whole summer holidays in awe of her before plucking up the courage to ask her to the cinema on a date.

We were getting on really well before the film and so I thought I would make a move when the movie started, like all 15 year old boys do. The trouble is, I was somewhat nervous.

I tried casually to do the 'yawn trick' to put my arm around her. But, with the nerves this became a bit of a frantic move.

I flung my arms back, just as she was leaning forward to reach for something on the floor in front of her...

Forearm met nose, nose exploded. All over a white summer dress.

She ran off to the toilets. I followed her, trying to be a gentleman, but she refused to come out. She called her parents to come pick her up and wouldn't leave til they were outside the cinema. Then she rushed out past me, refusing to make eye contact and that was that. I never saw the film and I never got a second date.
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:33 PM
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I got shat on by a falcon when trying to chat a girl up, in a field. I went to Sussex University and it were all fields round the campus. A raven haired beauty, I spent months chasing her. Never got anywhere. Falcons produce much more shit than you would expect.
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:44 PM
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Brilliant idea for a thread.

I'll throw this one out there.

I was 16 years old. My mate had been out with a girl for two dates and asked me if I'd come along with him that night as her mate was coming with her and he wanted to try to "kick on" with his new girlfriend.

The four of us meet up in Penge Social Club (what girl could resist?) and go on a Maple Road pub crawl.
We have a few drinks and it's clear that me and said blind date have nothing in common. In fact she had been miserable and sour-faced from the moment she walked in. Oh well, I think, I'll chalk this one down to experience and decide to make the best of it and just chat to her anyway.
"Cheer up" I say "surely this isn't that bad?".
It's then that she tells me that her Dad died the day before and her mate had taken her out to try to cheer her up!!

Our evening ended with the two of us standing in the park in complete silence (and darkness) while my mate and his newly acquired girlfriend banged away like a couple of rabbits on the children's slide.
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:46 PM
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Brilliant idea for a thread.

I'll throw this one out there.

I was 16 years old. My mate had been out with a girl for two dates and asked me if I'd come along with him that night as her mate was coming with her and he wanted to try to "kick on" with his new girlfriend.

The four of us meet up in Penge Social Club (what girl could resist?) and go on a Maple Road pub crawl.
We have a few drinks and it's clear that me and said blind date have nothing in common. In fact she had been miserable and sour-faced from the moment she walked in. Oh well, I think, I'll chalk this one down to experience and decide to make the best of it and just chat to her anyway.
"Cheer up" I say "surely this isn't that bad?".
It's then that she tells me that her Dad died the day before and her mate had taken her out to try to cheer her up!!

Our evening ended with the two of us standing in the park in complete silence (and darkness) while my mate and his newly acquired girlfriend banged away like a couple of rabbits on the children's slide.
Almost an episode of The Inbetweeners
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:48 PM
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Almost an episode of The Inbetweeners
Turns out that my mate knew as well but strangely enough, he forgot to mention it!
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:49 PM
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A friend of mine when I was in my teens pulled this absolute stunner at a party.

He was snogging and groping her in the corner of the kitchen.

Me and another mate went into the living room mainly due to being as jealous as f***.

He then appear about 10 minutes later with a beer in his hand. What happened to the angel I asked.

Oh I left her in the kitchen and went to the bog. When I came up for air I saw she had snot on her cheek.

So you dumped her because of that!!!! Said my other mate.

Yeah, he said, can't be doing with that.

I thought for a second and then said. You do realised it could have been your snot!

He then said oh f*** and rushed off to the kitchen.

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Old 12-02-2019, 05:55 PM
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Getting stitched up by mates on dates is always epic.

So I'm in one of Croydon's well-known night dives circa mid-90's when I meet the most stunning young woman I've ever seen (and don't tell me wife, remains to this day ). Literally had it all, gorgeous red hair, legs, bod and a devilish personality.

I'm getting on ok with her, but not entirely sure whether she is genuinely finding me funny or doing that "if I laugh enough perhaps he'll bugger off" routine. Time for another drink when I mention to my mate I've met the girl of my dreams but that I doubt very much the feeling is reciprocated. He asks who I'm referring to (he maintains ginger people smell of wee). I point her out and he says - much to my surprise - "oh that's 'M'; such and such's sister. Don't worry, I'll have a word and see what the coo is".

Before I know it, 'M' is literally all over me and arranging a cab home with me in tow, plus my mate and the sister of 'M'. As I'm getting in the cab, my mate decides to come clean and tell me he's told 'M' I've got a sixteen inch cock. After the quickest sobering up act in history, I've quickly come to the conclusion I'm not what she is interested in, but she thinks she might be privy to a one-to-one freak show, on account of my Gulliver-sized member. I do some quicks sums in my head about what's the worst that would happen if I am stark bollock naked, and comically convince myself I'm still in with a chance of a satisfactory conclusion despite her imminent disappointment.

Long story short, the inevitable happens and 'M' discovers the beast is somewhat less impressive than advertised. In baseball parlance, I got halfway towards first base before being kicked out with both my tail and disappointingly average sized pecker between my legs.

Mates are overrated.
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:57 PM
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Never mind, Brett. She was obviously excruciatingly shallow and would you want to make love to a superficial woman?
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:58 PM
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Never mind, Brett. She was obviously excruciatingly shallow and would you want to make love to a superficial woman?
Not with that tiny pecker.
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:01 PM
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She'd have to be fairly shallow to accommodate what she was expecting.
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:11 PM
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The Criterion, Richard??!!

Tried to (pos) rep you but couldn’t. Could someone do it for me please?
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:15 PM
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The Criterion, Richard??!!

Tried to (pos) rep you but couldnít. Could someone do it for me please?
Have you seen whatís there now?
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:19 PM
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16 inches?! Presuming she could accommodate that, would've been like rattling a chipolata around a dustbin.
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:20 PM
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Have you seen whatís there now?
Still there isnít it?
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:24 PM
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She'd have to be fairly shallow to accommodate what she was expecting.
[Insert obvious joke about girth, rather than depth]

Last edited by Richard; 12-02-2019 at 06:27 PM.
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:27 PM
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Still there isnít it?
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:29 PM
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Ew. Thank you.

A good place it was for business meals, but not really suitable for first dates, disastrous or not.
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:30 PM
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I got shat on by a falcon when trying to chat a girl up, in a field. I went to Sussex University and it were all fields round the campus.
I guess it made a change from the seagulls shitting on you?
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