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  #21  
Old 06-06-2001, 09:51 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Posh Spice goes to the Doctor with David because he's not "firing on all cylinders" in the bedroom.
The Doctor examines him and scratches his head..." I can't understand it David, you are physically fit as far as I can determine, I'll need to investigate further. I will require samples of your faeces, urine and semen".
Becks looks stunned, "wot's 'e mean Posh?"
Posh says, "Just give him a pair of your F-ing underpants Dave and lets get out of here".
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  #22  
Old 06-06-2001, 09:53 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Manchester United were playing St. Mary's School For The Infirmed, a charity match played in London last week.
United played an in a unusually rough manner, considering the infirmed side fielded two defenders in wheelchairs, a striker that used a guide dog and the goalie using a zimmer frame.
Finally, the St. Mary's manager, with great anger and frustration, pulled his team off the pitch with thirty minutes left in the half.
It then took Manchester United twenty minutes to score a disputed goal and win the match 1 - 0.
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  #23  
Old 06-06-2001, 09:54 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs?

A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
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  #24  
Old 06-06-2001, 09:58 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Q: What is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the Manchester United goalie?

A: Pammy only has two tits infront of her!
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  #25  
Old 06-06-2001, 10:02 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Alex Ferguson is getting worried about his team's recent poor form against Arsenal. He just can't understand it, Man U are the biggest club in Europe, have all the best players etc, but every time they play the Gunners, they get beaten.
So Alex gives Arsene Wenger a call and explains his problem. Arsene is very understanding and invites Alex down to watch his team training. So Alex turns up in London and spends a day watching the Arsenal players. At the end of the training session he says to Arsene
"I still don't understand, we seem to do all the same things in training that you do, but you still beat us all the time".
"Ah" says Mr Wenger, "I don't think its anything to do with the training. I think its because my players are more intelligent than yours".
Alex looks a bit peeved and asks Arsene "What the hell do you mean by that?".
"Well" says Arsene, "We also train our boys in lateral thinking".
To demonstrate his point he calls over Dennis Bergkamp. "Dennis, here's a problem for you. He's you father's son, but he's not your brother; who is he?".
"That's easy" says Bergkamp, Its me."
"Correct" says Arsene.
Alex is very impressed. He goes back to Manchester and next day in training he calls over David Beckham. "David, I've been talking to Arsene Wenger and he reckons his players are more intelligent than ours".
"That's ********, Boss", is Beckham's considered reply.
"OK", says Alex, "I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?"
Beckham looks blank and replies "Need some time to think about this one boss, can I tell you tomorrow?"
Alex agrees and Beckham goes home thinking about the problem. He asks Posh Spice, but she hasn't a clue what he's talking about. He eventually decides to give Jaap Stam a call, thinking that as Arsenal have a lot of foreign players, maybe he will understand.
"Hello Jaap, its David. I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?".
"That's easy", says Jaap, "Its me".
So Beckham calls over Alex Fergurson the next day in training and says "Morning Boss, I've got the answer to that question"
"OK. What is it?" asks Alex.
"Its Jaap Stam" replies the confident Beckham.
"You stupid *******" shouts Alex, "Its NOT Jaap Stam.............Its Dennis Bergkamp!"
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  #26  
Old 06-06-2001, 10:07 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
QUESTION: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
ANSWER: They both come in a posh box

Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediateley know which team you support.
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  #27  
Old 06-06-2001, 10:12 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
QUESTION: What do you get if you see a Manchester Utd. fan buried up to his neck in sand?

ANSWER: More sand
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  #28  
Old 06-06-2001, 10:13 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
QUESTION: How many Manchester Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
ANSWER(I): Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "1997 lightbulb changing" commerative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.
ANSWER(II): Who cares, so long as it comes out in 4 different versions (49.99 each), and changes twice every season?
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  #29  
Old 06-06-2001, 10:16 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop, and sees an ornamental brass rat, sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for my Mother-in-Law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"10 for the rat, 100 for the story", replies the man.
"Bugger the story" thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Sod the story, where's the brass man utd fan?"
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  #30  
Old 06-06-2001, 10:18 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
A Forest fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says
"I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for."
"Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1 million quid".
"You understand that every one of the scum will receive 2 million?"
"Yep, I can live with that"
And, lo and behold, there apperars a case of 50 notes.
"Now I wish for Forest to win the European Cup for 10 years running"
"You understand that this means Manchester United will win the Cup 20 years running?"
"Yep, I can live with that"
And, lo and behold, there apperars a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup
"Final wish"
After some thought the Forest fan replies:
"I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"
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  #31  
Old 06-06-2001, 10:21 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
QUESTION: What's the difference between Manchester United and a three pin plug?

ANSWER: Their both useless in Europe.
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  #32  
Old 06-06-2001, 10:26 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
A father and son were eating breakfast. The fathers newspaper had the headline
"Van Gogh sold for 8 million". The son asked
"is he worth it,dad?", to which the father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied
"I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"
The son said "Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Collymore, and he was crap"
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  #33  
Old 07-06-2001, 09:54 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
What part of a football pitch smells nicest ?
The scenter spot !

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space ?
Because there is no atmosphere !

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership ?
Cold Trafford !

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle ?
Somebody took a corner !

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply ?
Paul gas coin !
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  #34  
Old 07-06-2001, 09:55 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas ?
Ince pies !

What does a footballer and a magician have in common ?
Both do hat tricks !

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar ?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump !

Why are football players never asked for dinner ?
Because they're always dribbling !

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear ?
Because he liked sole music !
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  #35  
Old 07-06-2001, 09:56 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
What tea do footballers drink ?
Penaltea !

Where do footballers dance ?
At a football !

What did the bumble bee striker say ?
Hive scored !

What is black and white and black and white and black and white ?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill !

What are Brazilian fans called ?
Brazil nuts !
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  #36  
Old 07-06-2001, 09:58 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch ?
He was the skipper !

What lights up a football stadium ?
A football match !

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls ?
Cornflakes !

Which football team loves ice-cream ?
Aston Vanilla !

What is a goal keepers favourite snack ?
Beans on post !
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  #37  
Old 07-06-2001, 09:59 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
How do hens encourage their football teams ?
They egg them on !

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches ?
They prefer cricket matches !

Why did the chicken get sent off ?
For persistent fowl play !

Why didn't the dog want to play football ?
It was a boxer !

Which insect didn't play well in goal ?
The fumble bee !
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  #38  
Old 07-06-2001, 10:00 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ?
Webley stadium !

When fish play football, who is the captain ?
The team's kipper !

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market ?
They tend to go cheep !

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats ?
They might be cheetahs !
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  #39  
Old 07-06-2001, 10:02 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games ?
So that they can pack the defence !

A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club ?
"Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter
"They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station !"

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game ?
It was a cup draw !

Why was the struggling manger seen shaking the club cat ?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty !

Where do football directors go when they are fed up ?
The bored room !
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  #40  
Old 07-06-2001, 10:06 PM
Teaser Teaser is offline
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Teaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very darkTeaser sings up the sun in a dawn so very dark
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet ?
Player: I finished it in three days !

Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why's that ?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him !

Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom ?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How ?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league !

Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award
It's an appointment !

Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time ?
Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time !
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