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  #1  
Old 11-01-2020, 09:38 PM
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Putting your foot in it!

At work an elderly lady colleague asked me how I was doing. I replied that I was having a disastrous afternoon. Still I said as a throw away line, "it's not like a pilot having a bad day." She walked away and later returned to ask me if I had meant anything by my comment. Of course I said no. She said, "it's just that my husband died in a private plane crash."
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Old 11-01-2020, 09:46 PM
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Having had a few too many sherbets back in the day, a few of us decided to venture to a club. Upon entering, I saw the previous club manager and we greeted each other (it must have been 18 months since I'd last seen her). At first glance I assumed she was pregnant and proceeded to congratulate her...... needless to say she was none too impressed.
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Old 11-01-2020, 10:10 PM
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Having had a few too many sherbets back in the day, a few of us decided to venture to a club. Upon entering, I saw the previous club manager and we greeted each other (it must have been 18 months since I'd last seen her). At first glance I assumed she was pregnant and proceeded to congratulate her...... needless to say she was none too impressed.
I’ve done something similar, just with a complete stranger.
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Old 11-01-2020, 10:16 PM
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Like because they have the new stadium all of a sudden they think the're it, I once went to their old Goldstone Ground when they could only get 12ish k crowds lol, then they became homeless tramps.
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Old 11-01-2020, 10:22 PM
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When a customer asked about the cost of getting gas put into her property I told her it was definitely worth getting a price in as she was over 70, so would be eligible for a large discount. Her response was "I'm sixty two!"

She was a very heavy smoker tbf.
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Old 11-01-2020, 10:37 PM
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Years ago I was chatting to someone and I saw a big plastic tub on her mantelpiece, I grabbed it... shook it and said what kind of pills are these.



She looked at the floor and said... it’s my dad.
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Old 12-01-2020, 06:02 AM
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I was at my local Tesco’s doing my weekly shop. The cashier was running my items through and at the end she handed me a flyer. It was advertising the release of a CD by Keith Jack - a singer from the area in Scotland I live and famous at the time as he’d come second a couple of years back in that reality TV talent show ‘Any Dream Will Do’. I looked at it and laughed and cynically said, ‘Is he still trying to hawk his rubbish about?’ The cashier’s face dropped and said, ‘He’s my son.’

It was at that moment i suddenly rememberd that Keith Jack had actually worked at that particular Tesco’s and his mum still does. Felt terrible and tried to pathetically turn it round by saying how much I actually admired her son for the bravery of putting himself through such a nerve wracking experience, but it didn’t wash with her; she could hardly look at me, so I paid up, took my receipt and shuffled off slowly. Always avoided her aisle after that.
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  #8  
Old 12-01-2020, 10:19 AM
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At a works Christmas dinner and after many zombie cocktails I asked my boss who was sitting opposite me why she had just had a salad in a Tex mex, she informed me that she was vegetarian in my drunken state I told her and anyone else listening that I had never seen a fat vegetarian before, lucky she had a decent sense of humour.
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  #9  
Old 12-01-2020, 10:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bubbs11 View Post
I was at my local Tesco’s doing my weekly shop. The cashier was running my items through and at the end she handed me a flyer. It was advertising the release of a CD by Keith Jack - a singer from the area in Scotland I live and famous at the time as he’d come second a couple of years back in that reality TV talent show ‘Any Dream Will Do’. I looked at it and laughed and cynically said, ‘Is he still trying to hawk his rubbish about?’ The cashier’s face dropped and said, ‘He’s my son.’

It was at that moment i suddenly rememberd that Keith Jack had actually worked at that particular Tesco’s and his mum still does. Felt terrible and tried to pathetically turn it round by saying how much I actually admired her son for the bravery of putting himself through such a nerve wracking experience, but it didn’t wash with her; she could hardly look at me, so I paid up, took my receipt and shuffled off slowly. Always avoided her aisle after that.
This is winning so far
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  #10  
Old 12-01-2020, 10:37 AM
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After I graduated from university about thirty years ago or so I was the assistant manager of the Pizza Hut in Crawley...

A mother and her young son came in, sat down and checked out the menu together. After five minutes I went to take their order and being a friendly sort of chap I complimented the young shaver on his “rad sunglasses”.

He’s blind said his mum...
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  #11  
Old 12-01-2020, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Wolfnipplechips View Post
After I graduated from university about thirty years ago or so I was the assistant manager of the Pizza Hut in Crawley...

A mother and her young son came in, sat down and checked out the menu together. After five minutes I went to take their order and being a friendly sort of chap I complimented the young shaver on his “rad sunglasses”.

He’s blind said his mum...


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  #12  
Old 12-01-2020, 12:19 PM
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When I used to work in an office we had a receptionist who had been there for years. She left and was replaced.

Me and a work colleague were walking past the reception desk when we spotted no one was on reception, so my mate took it upon himself to sit in the chair and pretend to do reception work.

I found this amusing and said in a rather loud voice “ God, have you seen the state of our new receptionist...well ugly” obviously aiming it at my mate.

The new receptionist was standing right behind me, having just come out of the toilets.
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Old 12-01-2020, 12:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfnipplechips View Post
After I graduated from university about thirty years ago or so I was the assistant manager of the Pizza Hut in Crawley...

A mother and her young son came in, sat down and checked out the menu together. After five minutes I went to take their order and being a friendly sort of chap I complimented the young shaver on his “rad sunglasses”.

He’s blind said his mum...
winner
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  #14  
Old 12-01-2020, 04:29 PM
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Working at a polling station a bloke gives me his polling card, and the name on it was Lyn.

I said to him, I think you've just given me your wife's card (a fairly common occurrence!)

Bloke acts all offended and said 'no, my name is Lyn, it's a welsh man's name!'

Cue my total embarrassment and an apology

(that said I find it hard to believe a bloke called Lyn hasn't had the same sort of thing all their life!)
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Old 12-01-2020, 05:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dorking .Eagle View Post
Working at a polling station a bloke gives me his polling card, and the name on it was Lyn.

I said to him, I think you've just given me your wife's card (a fairly common occurrence!)

Bloke acts all offended and said 'no, my name is Lyn, it's a welsh man's name!'

Cue my total embarrassment and an apology

(that said I find it hard to believe a bloke called Lyn hasn't had the same sort of thing all their life!)
I don't know how old you are, but there was a famous Welsh (male) long jumper in the early 70s called Lynn Davies.
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Old 12-01-2020, 05:36 PM
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simplex came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietsimplex came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietsimplex came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietsimplex came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietsimplex came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietsimplex came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietsimplex came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietsimplex came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietsimplex came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietsimplex came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietsimplex came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
At a party having a good time, feeling uncharacteristicly bouant, I was snacking on a plate of party nibbles when my friend introduced me to the young lady whose birthday party it was. Whilst chatting and getting along well I noticed that she had a bit of food stuck on her lip, so I chivalrously tried to wipe it away for her .. only to discover it was one of those rice crispy looking wart things... Oops
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Old 12-01-2020, 05:46 PM
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In my IT days had a meeting with a guy who ran a one man consultancy service on something or other and I was interested in what he was offering. He was quite cocky with a menacing undertone. On the way to the lifts to see him out he handed me his brochure.

My eye caught a rather good looking blonde on the front cover. So I said to him, she is alright, but having taken a second look, added, a bit tarty looking though.

It was his girlfriend. The look he shot me told me he wanted to do nothing else in that moment in time than knock me spark out.
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Old 12-01-2020, 05:46 PM
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JJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietJJ came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
A few years ago the then gf and I were visiting one of her friends. We started talking about going for dinner when I said 'I'm so hungry my stomach thinks my throat's been cut.' As soon as I said it I remembered that only a few weeks previously her brother had committed suicide in prison by garotting himself.
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Last edited by JJ; 12-01-2020 at 10:45 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 12-01-2020, 06:51 PM
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I was chatting a stunner up before, and she was with about 6/7 guys on a night out, when we were at uni. Things were going really well so I brought about 30 shots for everyone, we all went for a fag, then when we got back in I looked at her and thought she had a little fag ash mark on her face and told her and tried wiping it off only for everyone to start kicking off loads, then when I sobered up I realised it was a mole
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Old 12-01-2020, 07:07 PM
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I congratulated a lady on her choice of perfume genuinely thinking it was nice only to be told thank you buts it a kitchen aerosol spray. oops!
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